Relationship Behavior Profile

The following sets of questions will help you closely examine your feelings about your partner, yourself and your relationship.

Your Partner:

Here are 10 questions that will help organize and guide your thinking about why you feel the way you do about your partner. If some of your answers are the same to each question, that's OK. Use a journal, if you wish, to help you better understand your feelings.

1) List five instances of your partner's loving behavior toward you during the last month.

2) List five instances of unloving or hateful things your partner has done to you during the last month.

3) List and describe your partner's five best qualities.

4) List and describe your partner's five worst qualities.

5) List five things which you have asked or scolded or nagged your partner to correct or improve, but which your partner has not corrected or improved.

6) List five things that made you fall in love with your partner.

7) List five things that today would make you fall out of love with your partner.

8) Describe your partner's sexual relationship with you, paying particular attention to your partner's:
  • Pattern of initiation
  • Frequency
  • Quality
  • Problems

    9) Describe your partner's tendency or lack thereof to focus on you, paying particular attention to:
  • Desire for being physically close
  • Desire to talk with you one-on-one
  • Desire to spend time alone with you
  • Desire to protect you or comfort you during times of need
  • Desire to please you 

    10) Do you look forward to seeing your partner at the end of a day? If not, write in your journal the reasons why. Be as specific as possible. If your partner complains about the way the house looks, write it down. If it's a look on your partner's face, write that down. If it's because you feel you have to invent conversations to make things pleasant between the two of you, write that down too.

     

    You:

    That was the easy part. Now, here are 10 similar questions that you absolutely must answer with total honesty and candor, to help organize and guide your assessment about the way you think about yourself, and about the way you and your partner relate. These are questions that you might not think to ask yourself, so consider them carefully. Resolve right now that you are not going to lie to yourself. Propel yourself to deal with the truth about yourself, even if it hurts. Prepare your heart and mind to be open rather than defensive. It is cowardly to blame, and it is cowardly and self-destructive to be in denial. Use your journal, if you wish, to help you understand why you feel the way you do.

    1) List five instances of loving behavior toward your partner during the last month.

    2) List five instances of unloving or hateful things you have done to your partner during the last month.

    3) List and describe your five best qualities.

    4) List and describe your five worst qualities.

    5) List five things which your partner has asked or scolded or nagged you to correct or improve, but which you have not corrected or improved.

    6) List five things that made your partner fall in love with you.

    7) List five things that today would make your partner fall out of love with you.

    8) Describe your sexual relationship with your partner, paying particular attention to your own:

  • Pattern of initiation
  • Frequency
  • Quality
  • Problems

     

    9) Describe your tendency or lack thereof to focus on your partner, paying particular attention to:

  • Desire for being physically close
  • Desire to talk with your partner one-on-one
  • Desire to spend time alone with your partner
  • Desire to protect or comfort your partner during times of need
  • Desire to please your partner

     

    10) Does your partner look forward to seeing you at the end of a day? If no, write in your journal the reasons why. Be as specific as possible. If you tend to complain to your partner about the day you've had soon after you see your partner, write that down. If you tend to have a stressful look on your face when you see your partner, write that down. If it's because you feel a sense of dread upon the sight of your partner, write that down too.

    Fixing a relationship means a lot more than fixing your partner. You must approach your relationship with a willingness to own your part of the problem. Whatever your partner repeatedly does in your relationship, he or she does it at least in part because of how you respond. You teach your partner how to treat you — or how to continue treating you — by the way you respond. You either elicit, maintain, or allow the behavior by your own responses. Acknowledging your own problems can be most refreshing when you realize that at last you are getting real about what is going on. Your willingness to take a non-defensive look at yourself can and will be inspiring to your partner.