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Shared "MY TOO REAL LIFE re: Son's Problems" Diary
I'm so happy to be able to write in the old blogs again. I like the simplicity of this one. It is my comfort zone. Life as usual seems to be spiraling out of control. A roller coaster ride of uncertainty. Just as i get comfortable thinking things are going to be all right something seems to take that little bit of paradise from me. My son seems to be settled at the private school. Still a lot of disruptive behavior but able to be redirected a lot of the time. He brought up three grades this grading period. My daughter still doing extremely well academically and socially. Since me and my son started that healthy lifestyle thing he has lost 8 pounds. He is so proud of himself. I have been alcohol free for two weeks. I'm proud of myself. I'm drinking only one caffinated drink a day. That's really good for me. My cousin Rose kicked her mom out of her house yesterday. Reason : She didn't want to take care of her no more. Her mom needs another knee replacement and her daughter refuse to take care of her if she does it. That is so terrible. I could never do that to my mom. I also truly believe in that karma thing; so actually i kind of pity her cause i know one day she'll be in the same boat. It still makes me want to go down there and give her a can of whup ass. Anyway my other cousin's facing two to ten years cause she gave the police her wrong name. I just wish she hadn't got pregnant. She called me wanting to take her baby when it's born but this time i told her no. Cause she would do the same thing she did last time. Live off me til the baby's born then steal what money i have and take off. Too much heartbreak. I got a letter Friday and apparantely got myself up the creek w/o a paddle. Back in 2005or6 i applied for social security for my son so he could get the services he needs. Well i thought once they got it they always have it, but i was wrong. They base it on your income and apparently you have to notify them of every little change cause his social security changes as your income changes. So needless to say i'm stuck paying back over 6,000$. I just wish they had told me like two months ago when i had the money to pay it back. So one day next week i'm going to have them review everything and see what i need to do to straighten things out. I don't care about the money i just want to be able to keep his health inurance cause i know i would not be able to afford his medical expenses. Also i have found it very hard to find a 7-3 job. I'm trying to get my stuff in so i can try this nursing agency and see if i can get my hours in there. Finally went to court again to get that girl out of my other property. I swear it seems that someone who don't own your property has more rights to your property then you do. Any way they've ordered an immediate release of property back to us which immediate doesn't really mean immediate cause the sherrif has thirty days to execute it. My kids dad really wants to put a lock on the door and cause a scene. I'd love to cause a scene myself, i just don't want to pay for the consequences of my actions. So for now i'm just trying to keep the peace. I have three more packs of cigarrettes and i'm quiting that too. It wasn't that bad quitting the first two so hopefully this won't be bad either. We start easter break today. One whole week to sleep in and do whatever we choose. So far everyone wants to find a trail and go bike riding. Both kids are getting soccer balls for easter so i imagine we'll be going to the school for that. We're going to take a trip to W.V to see some family there. Really i don't like going their much cause it brings back a lot of pain from my childhood. I saw in the Dr. Phil thing where they went down there during christmas and donated a lot of stuff to the Wade Center. Thats where i went to elementary at. Brought back a lot of painful and angry feelings. I was raped there when i was seven years old and so was about 4or more girls and i can remember being in 6th grade there and that guy was still walking up and down the streets from the school. So hopefully that guy aint around no more. When i'm down there i drive by their and hope to cross his path again. Lord have mercy on his soul if i do. Anyway amazing how flashbacks come around to you. Well gotta go benn promising my son i'd play on the computer with him and he's been waiting very patiently while i write this. Sorry Prof. that surgery couldn't wait, but maybe this will be the last one for awhile. Good luck. Later.
lost,
by patsgirlboy 2009-08-14 10:58:01,
I don't know why but everytime i send my kids off i feel this overwelming sense of lost. The h ...
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Shared "discharge my feelings...." Diary
Well first of all, I want to apologize if my english is not very good....
I will love to tell all my story to somebody, it is too long, and really I don´t know if would. I ask mysefl if it is usless to tell everything.... but I´ve been thinking to write it down maybe it will help me to organize my self, my life.. so, I would like to ask to whom it may concern... if it is usefull to tell everything.... maybe you have some answers to me...
begin,
by monikapvm 2009-08-07 15:32:24,
I was born in Mexico city, 45 years ago... I´m the oldest of 3 kids my parents had... (until th ...
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Shared "MISSING MY DAD" Diary
My dad died in july of 1978 i feel very guilty of that because we lived together in a small apt after my mom threw him out for cheating and through me out because i worked till 2am and she would lock me out of her house because it was too late to come home. anyway my dad had a tooth pulled on the weekend of 4th of july he really went down from there. he was a 6foot 4inch man and weight about a good 250 by the time he died on july 14, he weight 193lbs and was very sick. i was 19 and had my own life by working and being with my fiance i did not see much of him he came home from work i would go to work when i came home he was asleep. He woke up one morning at 5am he was very disoriented and scared me very much so i went to my fiance's apt and came bac about 8am he was in my very bad shape i didn't know he was so sick i thought he was drunk at 5am i called an ambulance took him to a hospitial he died at 3:20 pm on that day of luekema and heart failure. the dr. said it was not my fault but i feel i did'nt do what i should have right away instead of running. i am so sorry for that.
IT IS AUGUST ALREADY,
by grandmaofone 2009-08-01 14:25:29,
Where has the time gone it is already August and I feel like we have just got into summer, it is goi ...
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Shared "Life In AutoPilot" Diary
How do couples change? How do we get back to where we began? Everyday is the same.
So It Begins.,
by eternity23 2009-07-31 12:54:03,
Another night gone by where I feel like our relationship is pointless. Half the time I sleep on the ...
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Shared "my retired life" Diary
this is going to be a diary about my struggle and tribulations (english or french word?), with my retired life. Mostly, my goal was to work and make enough so I could live decently with dignity and not having to ask my children to help me. I think in a way I' m close to it, not quite.
I'm 68, I worked until I was fired by the company that employed me. Found another job worked there full time for 8 months and then I was looking for another job, convince that I was too young to give up and strong enough to go on.
What about retirement money? None. Oh! I can hear Dr. Phil telling me all about not saving for old age. No, I didn't. I helped my children when they were in need. I went to France to pay my respects to my parents and if I had all the money that I spent on flights and spending money, I'd be confortable now. But I don't regret anything.
It was MY bed and now I'm laying in it and sometimes I'm cold, but it's MY life. I live by myself, so nobody's deprived, nobody come complaining that there isn't heat in the house on that cold end of October.
For money, I have my SSA, a little bit of my husband's pension and what ever I make caring for pets. That's my job now. I go to people's house when they're on vacations or at work or on Week-End and take care of their dog or cats.
It's a great job!! They're always happy to see me. They don't care if I don't have any make-up on, that I'm not dressed appropriate, I mean at work, in the office, couldn't wear this or that or open shoes or jeans, even dress-jeans. Couldn't use a cell phone and so on and so forth...
They don't go tell their masters if I'm 5 min late, they hold it for me.... And if by accident, even if I was on time, this little doggy pooped all over his cage, I feel sorry for him, he was crying. I could hear him from the street... poor Jack. He was looking at me, he implored me to forgive him and I did. How could I not!!
So, after 3 and 1/2 years after my 65th birthday, I finally admitted that, YES, I am retired.. It took me all that time not to feel obligated to get up at 5:45 everyday, although, I still do, but nobody is telling me, but me myself... Sometimes I even get up in the middle of the night and go on line or start to do what ever...
Well, it's close to noon and I have to go visit 2 dogs, one's a Briar, Wilson, he's just a puppy, he doesn't know he's supposed to lift his leg to pee... he has big black eyes, people in their car are stopping wen we walk down the street, to ask me what kind of dog he is. Great. dog!!
Then I will go see Jack, a puppy beagle. the one that poopooed in his cage. We go in the yard and play with a stick, until he decide to doodoo and then we play a little more and it's back in the cage.
So, so long for now, I'll be back for more of my retired life...
i forgot II,
by optiposi 2009-07-30 15:38:04,
I forgot also to talk about David.In my return from France, in April 2008, I wasn't taking care of t ...
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Shared "the new start of life." Diary
This maybe sounds stupid, because i'm so young. But i'm in some kind of recovery from my self abuse. Not over it, still having big problems with it. But i know now it's not the best way to live.
I feel that i'm letting my friends down, i have this major secret for them for over 3 years. I'm working to revealing my secret. But it's freaking hard :)
How it got this far,
by saskia_ 2009-07-23 00:55:56,
You probably think by yourselves : how does a 15 year old kid got this bad? Well, i'll tell you. & ...
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Shared "My life" Diary
This is about my life. I want to describe what i have been going through from when i was 5 to the present. It will be an interesting and very emotional journey for me. So if you want to know, i will tell you.
Adult life,
by campat 2009-07-06 20:29:55,
So now that i am an adult now, i am trying to get back on track. I have a job right now. It pays my ...
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Shared "MENTORING YOUTHS IN LOW INCOME AREAS" Diary
THIS IS A WONDERFUL TIME FOR ME IN MY LIFE BECAUSE I HAVE ACHIEVE MY GOALS. I AM TRULY GRATEFUL. ON JUNE 18, 2009, I CAME TO YOUR ORIENTATION FOR THE CASA PROGRAM AND I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD BE A GOOD CANDIDATE FOR MENTORING YOUTHS IN THE LOS ANGELES FOSTER SYSTEM. I WAS TOLD BY ONE OF YOU STAFF THAT SINCE I HAD A CHILD IN THE SYSTEM I WAS NOT A CANDIDATE FOR THE PROGRAM BUT THAT I HAD AN IMPRESSIVE RESUME. WHAT TYPE OF ROLE MODELS ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? THOSE WHO HAVE MONEY AND DOES NOT HAVE TO STRUGGLE.? WHAT CAN THEY TELL A CHILD THAT I CANNOT. I BELIEVE THAT EXPERIENCE IS THE BEST KNOWLEDGE. I TOLD THE TRUTH ON MY APPLICATION THINKING THAT I WOULD BE ABLE TO GIVE A CHILD THE TOOLS TO WORK ON BEING RESILIENT TO THE SYSTEM.
MOTHER'S LOVE,
by ziyn54 2009-07-05 10:24:26,
EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT PREGNANCY AT 15, DRUG ABUSE, ANGER MANAGEMENT, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ETC. ARE ...
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Shared "Starting a fresh!" Diary
Today I have decided to take full responsibility for my life and move forward with setting goals (long term, mid and short term) to ensure I get where I want to in life.
Having smoked marijuana on a regurlar basis for the last year or 2, something Dr. Phil said in one of his shows really struck me and has stayed with me. He said " once you start doing drugs you stop developing " - It's probably common sense but until that day I had never thought of my drug use in that light, and I completely agreed with Dr. Phil. I HAVE stopped developing and am currently going no where in life. I have a five year plan in my head, but for so long change has seemed so far away from what I could achieve. A "better life" has seemed close to impossible. For so long I have seemed completely overwhelmed with my plight. For years i've put it down to being one of these people who shuts down when overwhelmed. But today I realized this is nothing but an excuse, an excuse for constant failure. I desperately want to break free from this party lifestyle, constant spending irresponsibly, drug use - and while i'm smart enough to know that ultimately I make my own decisions, and I choose my fate - I've felt in the past as though I haven't had the resources to be anything. When in reality i've had more than my share of opportunities - I just continue to make poor choices.
I can see the dissapointment in the people that surround me. They love me and care about me, but I feel as if they probably think I won't go very far in life. I desperately want to prove them wrong, not just for them though. I have dreams and aspirations that I want for myself. Ultimately I know that I won't be able to please everyone, nor should I have to. I need to please myself. But I want people to see that I am someone, I can do things, and i'm not useless. Because I know i'm not.
My drug use is not the only aspect in my life that I am unhappy with. I'm overweight, currently unemployed, and going no where in my career.
Today I will outline a specific goal plan for the next five years of my life. I have confidence I can and will achieve my goals.
I need to break free from focusing on the quick fix, if you like. Being happy now, for the moment. I need to start focusing on the steps I can take to get the things I want out of life. My goals are fairly mundane, I just want a normal life where I don't have to feel like i'm struggling. But getting there (in my mind) is easier said than done. But I have to believe in myself. I can do this!
Part 2,
by paul_68 2009-06-30 00:47:32,
While I have these clear goals in my head. I feel completely unmotivated, and completely overwhelmed ...
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Shared "What am I thinking?" Diary
I don't know how to say this with out sounding crazy (I hate to use that word crazy but I am not real sure what other word to use I know there is one I just dont know what it would be), So here I go.There are days lots of them it seems like anymore I wish I could just go away someplace and just live in my head , live with my thoughts. Not that I am some deep thinker who needs time away to write some epic novel or poetry.The things that go through my mind are just silly/ chlidish by anyone elses standerds really . I suppoes even mine I guess because I always push them away and tell myself you have to many people counting you and your to old to think such nonsense.But I do enjoy it for a moment ,I hope that doesnt make it sound like I am thinking about suiside because I am not nothing as tragic as that.I just want to go away sometimes.In my mind I see myself in England looking out over the Thames at night looking at the lights on the other side just letting my mind go where ever.I could never do that I cant walk away from my family my 2 little girls need me my sister that has MS doesnt have anyone else to take her to the doctors the store and anyother place she needs to go or my mother-in-law cant be left alone to long with her alshymeirs.Ahhh! to beable to just walk away for just a little while like in the movies and come back when you feel you are ready to face life again and everyone one would understand why you left and the kids wouldnt be tramatized by you just up and leaving wouldnt that be great,Damn the movies for giving us false hope lol. I do love to watch those movies my only escape I guess.I should take them as I get them and be greatful but for some reason I am not.Maybe I want or expect to much from life.I have so much I want to say but its late I need to get to bed because I have to get the kids to school clean house drive to my sisters and take her to where ever it is she is needing to go come home and do more ....
What I want,
by renee_08 2009-06-25 00:38:59,
To be noticed To be heard To be pretty To be skinny To be healthy ...
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