Replies to '12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"'
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October 5, 2008, 8:26 pm PDT
 Quote From: hutchinsd2031 In my situation, My ex husband was aggressively emotionally abusive. When he started and I asked him to stop, he would get worse and not stop until I was devastated. When I finallly, after 13 years, started to divorce him, he started the alienation in full force. During the 13-year marriage, he paid little to no attention to the children, 3 boys, but they did hear him put me down many times and they heard him tell them they didn't have to listen to me as a part of his emotional abuse of me. During the divorce proceedings, he took the two oldest boys without my permission and knowledge. After I got the boys back, they were totally out of control. The ex was telling them to break things in the house with the explanation that the things were his and it was ok to destroy the property, and this included my car. The children's behavior became horrible and I had to involve the police and even invoke the help of a mental inpatient facility for one of my boys. At court a year later, the judge said they should all go to their father to live. The children talked about a fear they were going to be poisoned by me. The evaluating psychologist said there was alienation happening and that the ex should stop. I was granted visitation which eventually stopped for the two older boys because they said they didn't want to ever see or talk to me again and the ex refused to make them. From evidence I have gathered from phone conversations, the ex was alienating them from me in full force constantly and I suspect that the children couldn't handle it. They constantly said they hated me, didn't want to visit me, didn't want any presents from me (one of them even threw a present in the garbage can right in front of me), and generally wouldn't receive any love from me, much less give it out. I never stopped trying.
I also suspect, from information I have gathered about the disease, that my ex is narcissistic but undiagnosed. He needs to be the good one. He needed to be the best parent, the only parent, to make himself feel ok. Nothing can be his fault. He lies to make himself look good. He stretches the truth to make himself look like the one who is the victim. The children felt like he needed to be taken care of.
The legal system in our state (MD), requires there to be a custodial home and a noncustodial parent who pays child support. The parent who wins custody wins, according to my ex. He won because he got my money and the house, he got to control the children, and through the children, he got to control bits and pieces of my life, thus holding on to some sort of control over me. We all know abusive people are all about control. I suspect that it would not have been so bad and my relationship with my children would not have been so damaged if the system required joint custody with parenting plans and mediation, with the stipulation that the parent who isn't cooperating would lose their rights. That would take most of the money factor out of the equation and give each parent some sort of consequence for not following the rules. My ex got no real consequences even though he was found guilty of contempt of court for not following the child custody orders twice.
As a post script, my two older boys are 20 and 21, live apart from their father by choice, saying they don't respect him for their own reasons that have nothing to do with the alienation. They don't speak of the alienation except for one of them saying he wished things had been different. I'm not sure they fully realize what happened to them but they both want to have a relationship with me. I have to be very careful with what I say to them as our relationship is very delicate. My 17 year old has come to live with me last week. Father has kicked him out of the house and he won't go back. There is still lots of drama in this situation and we have not gone to court on it yet. Your situation is nearly identical to mine. My ex was also a verbally abusive cheap bad tempered control freak. When I read all the articles about narcissistic people, it discribed him to a tee. He had to win at all costs and nothing is ever his fault. He even lied to friends that I had a nervous breakdown and that is why I left him. When I divorced him I had joint custody of the 2 younger kids. The oldest was already 18 and daddy's pet. He spoiled her and gave her anything she wanted, but I had to even ask permission just to buy underwear. The 2 youngest were living with me and he had visitation every other weekend and one night a week. He had to pay child support and spousal support. I was a stay at home mom for 17 years. He didn't want me working and gave me an allowance of $20.00 a week for all those years. When I got a job is when the s*** hit the fan. He would never let me see the checkbook or pay the bills. He wanted my pay check and to still give me a $20.00 allowance. He would always insist the kids side with him and have them decide my needs and wants.
In Arizona, the age of 12 is when a child can decide where they want to live. I was only divorce for a year when he started working on my daughter, bribing her with anything he could think of to get her to live with him so he didn't have to pay me child support. He didn't want to pay me anything. "He also threaten me in front of the mediator that he was going to make sure I was living out of my car. She liked him, he was the calm one." He bribed my daughter with money, a birthday party, clothes, a cell phone and a hamster. He manipulated her to a point where she was stealing anything of mine that wasn't nailed down and lied by telling her school councelor that I was beating her up. I never hit her. She did this 3 times. CPS would come to my house but, they couldn't find anything. The last time they were called, she put a 3 inch scratch on her chest to try and prove I beat her. It was all a plot of her and her fathers to "piss me off" so she could live with her dad. I took her to a therapist at church. She lied to her and said I was throwing knives at her. The therapist said she was also suppose to report me but, knew my daughter was lying. She said to take her home, pack he bags and send her to her father's house. If she keeps reporting me, the courts will always believe the child, and have me put in jail and take my son away. So that is what I did.
3 years later he did the same with my son. My ex called CPS because my son didn't want to report me. He bribed my son with camping trips, money, GPS hikes, and a hamster. My son would throw himself on the floor and have a tantrum at the age of 12. He refused to go to school and stopped taking showers. He smelled real bad after 3 weeks. All of this, so he could live with his dad. I was living in Illinois at the time so when I sent him for his summer visit, the ex refused to send him back. He took me to court again and they said my son was of an age to make his own decisions. The courts are useless. My ex didn't have to pay me anymore. He is the big winner.
They all got what they wanted. Now they don't have a mother. My children didn't want visitation with me. It would upset their father. It has now been 8 years. I really don't have a relationship with any of them. I see them maybe once or twice a year and the conversation is strained. These kids put me through hell to get what they wanted. My oldest daughter got married 3 years ago. I was invited to the wedding but , was completely ignored. I am not even in the wedding pictures. She was very disrespectful and rude.
Everybody says that my children will come around some day and see their father for who he really is. I am not holding my breath for that. I have had enough nastiness to last a lifetime. I have moved on with my life without the kids. I am egaged to a very thoughtful easy going guy who thinks my kids treat me horribly. They have learned to behave just like their father. I really don't love them anymore. They killed it. I just can't bring myself to be around verbally abusive bad tempered control freak people. It hurts too much. I tried so hard to protect them from this evil man. They chose to side with him. My kids are now 27, 20 and 17. They are old enough to make their own decisions and to know how the want to act and behave. They are choosing to not have a mother in their lives by their behavior. So sad. Yes, there is Parental alienation and Brainwashing. |
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