Replies to '08/18 Dr. Phil's Road Show: Newlywed Challenge, Part 2'

Hi,

I too have been in an abusive relationship. Briefly, I have been with my husband for 12 years and married 9 of those years. We have a 9 year old son and an almost 6 year old daughter. He and I have pretty much had arguments 11 out of 12 years. In the last 3 years things got worse and drinking started to increase. I believe he has Anger, Power and Control issues. This is a learned behavior and it all started when he was a child (hence our children will follow steps too). I also was raised with a lot of anger and abuse and also have similar issues. He started by calling me all of those horrible names and constantly blaming me for issues that I didn't feel were my fault etc. I allowed him to continue this behavior and became a "volunteer" for the abuse after that. I became resentful and angry and would also say things to hurt him when I was angry because I was getting him back in a sense. 6 months ago we were so bad that I left him and moved in with a girlfriend with just my daughter and let him have my son. (My son started treating me and our daughter just like my husband treated me) I came back after 2 months and things were okay for a week and then the blaming and name calling started again and he went as far as to call me a FAT ASS. I am 5'9" and weigh 150 lbs. I am far from being a  fat ass. I was enraged mentally over this and went into a horrible depression. I didn't do anything around the house and ignored everyone. I am just now coming out of it with a lot of help. I joined the DAWN (Domestic Abuse for Women Network) and have been getting help for myself and kids. He is still acting the way he used to but worse. He was drinking really heavy one night and called and started threatening me that he was going to take my kids from me and get me into trouble with lies to the police about abuse that never happened etc. The threats got so bad I took my kids on July 10th and escaped the home and went to a safe house. My girlfriend took us in and took caution to make sure that he didn't know where she lived and I got a Domestic Violence Protection order. Since this incident on 7/17 he stopped drinking and I officially moved out and got my own apartment. I am not divorcing him just yet but am very clear about my thinking. He is a sick person with anger and alcoholism and he doesn't know how to fix it. He loves me dearly but only knows how to vent on me and not deal with his own issues.

I have gotten help through a 12 step program in Alcoholics Anonymous and am learning how to live a life on mine and gods terms that is healthy and honest. I know now that it isn't my job to fix him and I cannot do anything about his decisions nor can I ALLOW him to do anything abusive verbally or physically to me. I have the power to stop all of the fighting by taking care of only myself and being responsible for only myself. I am also responsible for my children, however I have put myself first in everything that I do and have discovered that there is a better life out there.

The reason I am telling you this is that you said you hope that he will change. Well, as long as you are a VOLUNTEER to let this happen to you then you will continue to live in the problem. It doesn't mean that your children won't have their father it means that you are protecting your children from living in this situation if you do something about it. You do not have to be the one to leave.

Give him one chance to never do this to you again and say this is affecting myself and our children.

If he does it again, you need to get that protection order for the safety of yourself and your children. I do know that if you don't also and the schools or neighbors report anything to Child Protective Services you can get into trouble for "Failure to Protect" your children and might face having them taken from both of you.

Believe me, my children are far from well because of all of this and I pray everyday that God will help me to make the right decisions with this situation and yes Child Protective Services are involved. I almost lost them but was able to show that I removed them from the situation. Get yourself into a support group for women and your children. The State that you live in supplies government funds for these things and you shouldn't have to pay anything. If he says anything to you bad about it I would just say that you feel like you need help for yourself but don't blame him in any way or you may not get to go. He will feel empowered by this thinking that he has gotten you right where he wants you. But in the mean time you will be getting the help you need and your children to. The program here in Wash. State for the kids is called Kids Club and it is very good.

My kids learned about Domestic Violence and how to deal with anger. I was able to get help through this program also. If you need anyone to talk to about this I would be happy to if it would be okay to email me from this site. My email is leilaniharris1@yahoo.com.

I am a survivor of Domestic Violence and I am proud to say that my family is finally starting to heal. He is finally seeing how I am growing and is liking the new me. He doesn't treat me bad anymore. He is only respectful and has to be because I demand it. Good luck to you. Do not let anyone take your POWER ever!!!!!!

Tell yourself this everyday: HE IS SICK AND DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FIX THE PROBLEM. So with that treat him like a cancer patient in the hospital. Do not get angry when he says those things. Just tell him that you do not have to listen to that and you are not going to talk to him if he does not stop. If he persists then do whatever is necessary to remove him or yourself from this situation. If not for your sake right now then do it for the KIDS!

Here is the Serenity prayer. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

God loves us and wants to protect us and if we allow him, he will do his work.

God bless you.

Lani