Replies to '08/04 Biggest Parenting Problems'
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November 21, 2005, 11:51 am PST
 Quote From: pel_reg My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.
She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"
She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.
Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ???????
I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ 14 seems very young to be dating even if it includes parental chaperone. Your concerns are valid. Kids this age have raging hormones awaking sex drive and tend to get overly obsessed with each other if given too much time alone. I think requiring both group dating and parental chaperone does help along with planned activities. There should be activities which she is both able to include her boyfriend and ones that are family only and others that are for her girl friends. Keep her busy with things that don’t include boyfriends such as: Dance classes. Girl Scouts, 4H, Music Lessons, Church youth groups, Community Service groups, Baby Sitting, sports or volunteer work. If all else fails get her a new puppy or a kitten(just kidding):).
Now that you have let the genie out of the bottle you have a fight on your hands to pull it back without making it seem like a punishment.
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November 22, 2005, 5:09 am PST
Quote From: pel_reg My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.
She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"
She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.
Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ???????
I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ Let me tell you about my 16 yr old daughter. I kept her pretty well reigned in UNTIL about a year ago. She began to date a boy that turned into, you guessed it, an intimate relationship. (I did take her to our Dr. and got her on the Pill). That was over after about 9 months. I thought "Oh, thank you!". WRONG!!! Just remember, it can always be worse!
NOW, I am dealing with an 18 yr old, going nowhere in life, family has basically disowned, BOY! He is very manipulative and I feel has basically brainwashed my daughter. I told him to his face after about a month that he was NOT going to come between my daughter and I, because it was very obvious that was where the road was leading. Well, guess what? HE WON! This all blew up last week when his latest "job search" turned into he was joining the Armed Forces. I didn't believe him (he tends to lie) and my daughter was DISTRAUGHT! SOOOOOO, I called the recruiter he mentioned and was told that he had not heard from this "boy" in 5-6 months. So here is my daughter crying, not sleeping, not eating and CERTAINLY NOT thinking about school (which I have told her repeatedly needs to be her first prioriity) and "the boy" HAS NOT EVEN TALKED TO THE RECRUITER!!!! I asked the recruiter not to tell "the boy" that I had called if/when he heard from him. Well, you guessed it...he did! Next thing I know, my daughter is screaming at me that it is none of my business, blah, blah, blah. "I'm going to live with Dad" (my daughter and I moved out last year after ANOTHER infidelity issue with my husband). That is a whole different board!
I really don't know what to tell you. My daughter and I have ALWAYS HAD A WONDERFUL, LOVING, OPEN RELATIONSHIP! I am dealing with this by remembering what I thought about my Mom when I was 16. It took until I was 18, out of the house, to realize that she wasn't STUPID! Did I listen to her, NO. Did I respect her, NO. Thank God, I saw the light when I moved out and realized that she was not stupid! OF COURSE YOUR DAUGHTER IS MISSING ON OUT CRITICAL LIFE EXPERIENCES! Just as mine has.
Can we FORCE them to be active in school? NO. Can we FORBID them to see "the boy"? Sure! Think it will keep them from each other? NOPE! Will your daughter then start lying and conniving (sp?)? Sure will. OBVIOUSLY, I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWERS! Noone gave me that "How to be the Perfect Parent" book. Anyone out there have any advise? |
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November 23, 2005, 12:15 pm PST
Quote From: pel_reg My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.
She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"
She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.
Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ???????
I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ Your daughter is to young to be dating "WITH OR WITHOUT AN ADULT". Your daughter sounds like a very good kid. Your putting her in a adult position by leting her date. Of course you are at 16 to, but shes older and more mature to. If it was me "I would not allow her to date, but I would prepare her and talk to her about datin and the birds & bees, explain the No Zones to her and tell her she can date when she turns 16". If you let her go on birth control its like sayin "its ok" and it makes it easier for them to give into there temptations. They have no worries of gettin pregnant or getting caught. If you dont give her the birth control then they " worry of getting pregnant and of course thats a sure sign that they had sex and they get caught". I have 2 adult sons and one 4 yr. old granddaughter. I believe a kid should date at the age of 16. "But this is just my opinion". I wish you & your family the best of luck. |
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November 23, 2005, 1:39 pm PST
Quote From: pel_reg My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.
She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"
She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.
Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ???????
I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ I am 23 yrs old and I can still remember a time when all I cared about was having a boyfriend. She is at the age where things like this start becoming important to her. I do not see anything wrong with you letting them spend time together supervised. I also agree with you that it should not be an all weekend event. In my home my parents would allow my b/f to come over on Friday or Saturday evenings. They would usuall give us a little space where we felt as if we were alone but never really alone. I think that you should always be open with your kids when it comes to things like sex and birth control. As long as you are open with this subject and your daughter realizes that she can come to you when she is ready to have a sexual relationship, then most likely she will. My parents were always very open about this and I did come to them when I was ready. I am not saying that she will not make mistakes because she will. I do believe however that dealing with issues before they even arise is the be policy. Like not waiting until she is pregnant to talk about birth control. There are always going to be problems becasue she is a teenage girl who thinks she is all grown up. Which someday when she gets older she will realize she isn't. I know I have. I put my parents through the same thing she is doing. I always thought the treated me like I was 5 also in all reality they were treating me the way the should. I think you are doing a great job. And being concerned is proof of that. I wasn't a teenager all that long ago believe me the rebellious girl in her will come out more and more as she gets older. Just wait till she gets her drivers license, that is going to be real fun for you. I hope this post is helpful to you. Good luck and I know I am young but I think you are on the right track of raising a respectful young woman. |
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November 25, 2005, 10:25 am PST
Quote From: pel_reg My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.
She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"
She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.
Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ???????
I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ She just broke up with her second BF of her lifetime. The first that i even began to accept. But even though she is almost 18, I still had very strict rules. She had very little opportunities to screw up, and now she says I was right in mistrusting Michael, her now ex. She now calls him looser, and is focusing on her entering Columbia College in the near future.
I limited her visits at home to 3 hours a week, anyway they wanted to break it down, or use it at once, as long as I was home that is. My wife is too trusting, and has a hang up of checking up on them. Heather on the other hand says I watch her like a hawk, and she realizes it is in my job description to do so.
By limiting her this time, you can encourage her to do things with her other friends, and enrich herself with other interest. I run a dance group that keeps heather buss 8 ours out of the week. I also encourage her to go out with her girlfriends to the mall, and to the movies, as long as I know ho they are, and yes there are some I disapprove of.
So set the limits early or it will get out of hand. My friend always told me I was doing it all wrong, as he has a daughter the same age as my Heather. heather is now graduating H.S. early with honors on Jan 20, 2006, and his daughter Vanessa, dropped out last year, and just had a baby boy, and has no plans to marry the baby's father. So who do you want to be like? |
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November 25, 2005, 11:07 am PST
Quote From: pel_reg My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.
She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"
She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.
Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ???????
I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ I think that restricting your daughter and her boyfriend's time together is good, and you are right- teens are masters at getting around stuff! ( it wasn't so long ago, I still remember! ) You mentioned birth control- are they having sex? If so, I would suggest having a talk- a civil talk- with the parents of the young man, and consider having a "meeting" involving both families. If these youngsters see that all the parents are a "unified front" they may be more likely to make better choices. If this sort of thing isn't feasible, then you must continue to restrict their time together, and if they are indeed intimate then you really ought to have her start on birth control. Don't feel like you are condoning the behavior- I would make it clear to her that you don't approve. However, she and the young man are not going to stop- so show her that an adult responsibility like deciding to have sex means that she must be responsible. If you get criticized by others- igonore it. It is better to empower your daughter to control her body, than to get pregnant. I agree with another poster's comment that you have already let "the genie out of the bottle" and you can't go back now. Your daughter will not miss out on experiences. She will eventually learn to have a balance of ppl in her life. Just keep strict tabs on her, talk with her openly, and just keep encouraging her to do stuff with other ppl. If she accuses you of "treating her like a 5 year old" just keep telling her that someday she will thank you. Tell her it again and again. She WILL thank you! I have a 14 yr old son, he is not dating, but we deal with many other teenager things and I always tell him that someday it will all make sense! Don' give up, one day at a time....these all sound corny, but they are true sayings.
Good luck!!!
Kari |
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