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ritehere
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July 27, 2005, 8:30 am PDT

How's that workin' for ya?

Quote From: connolly2

so here is the issue.... My wife and I have been together for 16 years and married for 11. I love her to death and we have 2 beautiful children in San Diego. Sounds good but here is the issue. The schools here suck and it is sooooooo expensive here to live.

She is a stay at home day care provider (55 hours a week) and makes just enough for us to be 700 in the hold every month. She is getting another job at night 15-20 hours a week just so we can live hand to mouth. We have a couple 100 grand in equity and I want to move to a place that is better for education and for family life. She could stay home with the kids and never have to work again but there is a catch holding this whole modern day utopia from happening. Her mom and her need to say in San Diegono matter how good the benefits of moving are.

Her standard response to moving is that she will NEVER leave her “FAMILY”, her mom basically (I thought her husband and children were her family) and I will never leave San Diego no matter how bad is.

Her parents are functional alcoholics (love them to death but they are what they are) her and her mom are total co-dependants and I just wish for once she would pick her true family(the one’s she gave birth to and the one she said I do to) first consideration. I just needed to vent

Thanks

Any suggestions on dealing with it….. God would I love Dr. Phil to give her a call and ask her

“So you priority is family and location but now your working 75 hours a week so you see neither your family or the location,,,,,, HOW”S THAT WORKING FOR YA?”

The way you put your concerns in the post makes your wife look like a self-punishing work-a-holic. May be she is. Or maybe there's more to the story. Does she feel an obligation to look after her parents? At heart, is she afraid that if she leaves they will fall completely into the pit of alcoholism? Are your motives pure, or are you driven by a need to separate your wife and her mother? And you have to be brutally honest with yourself on that one, because moving for the reasons you list is a good decision. But you see, if your wife is sensing an ulterior motive from you, she would feel like you are forcing her to choose between people that she loves, in DIFFERENT ways. My suggestion is to find a solution that includes her parents. That way you are not forcing her to make a decision that she feels unable to make, she will have more time for everybody, and will see you as the hero.
 
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irishmom
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October 7, 2005, 9:05 am PDT

Arguing Over Money

Quote From: connolly2

so here is the issue.... My wife and I have been together for 16 years and married for 11. I love her to death and we have 2 beautiful children in San Diego. Sounds good but here is the issue. The schools here suck and it is sooooooo expensive here to live.

 

 

 

 

 

She is a stay at home day care provider (55 hours a week) and makes just enough for us to be 700 in the hold every month. She is getting another job at night 15-20 hours a week just so we can live hand to mouth. We have a couple 100 grand in equity and I want to move to a place that is better for education and for family life. She could stay home with the kids and never have to work again but there is a catch holding this whole modern day utopia from happening. Her mom and her need to say in San Diegono matter how good the benefits of moving are.

 

 

 

 

Her standard response to moving is that she will NEVER leave her “FAMILY”, her mom basically (I thought her husband and children were her family) and I will never leave San Diego no matter how bad is.

 

 

 

 

Her parents are functional alcoholics (love them to death but they are what they are) her and her mom are total co-dependants and I just wish for once she would pick her true family(the one’s she gave birth to and the one she said I do to) first consideration. I just needed to vent

 

 

 

 

Thanks

 

 

 

 

Any suggestions on dealing with it….. God would I love Dr. Phil to give her a call and ask her

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So you priority is family and location but now your working 75 hours a week so you see neither your family or the location,,,,,,   HOW”S THAT WORKING FOR YA?”

 It sounds like there are a few things going on here.  First, If you're working full time and your wife is working more than full time, there's really no reason why you should be $700 in the hole every month.  I think some people get used to a certain lifestyle and they become consumed with "material" possessions.  Look at your budget and see what things you can live without.  It may not be "ideal" but I'm a firm believer that family comes first. 

How many children do you have?  Are they attending a public or private school?  If they are in a private school, that can get expensive fast!  What about homeschooling?  It may sound difficult, but it really is not.  I know there is still a cliche when it comes to homeschooling, but get some info.

As far as moving goes, I really think if you look at your budget and there isn't anything that you could live without (BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF!), I think your wife really  needs to put the needs of her family (meaning you and your children) first.  That is her (and your) first obligation.  Maybe her parents can move along with you. 

The last thing is that you say you have a couple hundred thousand in equity.  Whether you  move or not, use that money to get out of debt and lower the amount of outgoing bills every month.  That's huge.  Try to consolidate your  debt.  This is my advice, although I don't claim to be an expert.  I would need more information to go on to try to help you anymore.
 
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