Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'
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September 9, 2005, 12:34 pm PDT
 Quote From: killdoze1 Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there. I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou). He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.). I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.
My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love." I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales. However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all. On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely. We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October). I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together. Do you see my dilemma? All this back and forth is driving me crazy!
What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way. If so, how did the relationship turn out? Was/is it successful? I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships. Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated. I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help. Thanks very much to anyone who replies!! If you are second guessing yourself, that's not a good sign. If you truly, truly loved this man, you would know it and not think twice. Ask yourself, would you die for this man? I was with this guy and I thought I was all in love with him. He asked me one day if I would die for him and I told him yes. When I ask him if he would die for me, he said no. One minute he said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, the next minute he was breaking up with me. I was stupid and kept taking him back. If you have to talk yourself into getting engaged or getting married, then it's probably not a good idea. At least not right now. Tell him to wait on getting engaged if you are not sure this is what you want. Engagement means that you are planning on getting married, and usually soon. So if you are not feeling those types of feelings, I would wait. I have been with my current boyfriend for two years now and we have a one year old daughter together. When I first got pregnant I didn't know if this was going to work. We were together for only 2 months. Well 2 years later we are still together and I love him with all of my heart and I know there isn't another man I would rather be with. I'm 25 years old and I'm ready to settle down and I have found the perfect person. I thought a couple of my ex's were "the one", but I'm so glad I never married before. They weren't into me or I wasn't into them. Give yourself time. Do you feel lonely because you are alone or do you feel lonely cause you are not with Lou? There is a difference. |
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October 11, 2005, 9:13 pm PDT
Quote From: killdoze1 Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there. I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou). He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.). I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.
My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love." I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales. However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all. On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely. We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October). I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together. Do you see my dilemma? All this back and forth is driving me crazy!
What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way. If so, how did the relationship turn out? Was/is it successful? I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships. Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated. I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help. Thanks very much to anyone who replies!! I'm not really great with the message board thing either, but I know what you are going through. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now, and we plan on getting married. I know deep down that I love him and could easily spend the rest of my life with him. I have no qualms about getting married and I don't have to talk myself into it. However, the one big problem is that I have divorced parents and so does he. This leads us to second guess everything in our relationship and take 6 years to be sure of it. I do think that sometimes if you are scared, or don't know anyone with a successful marriage, you can overanalyze your feelings and doubt your love. I think that the time we have taken to get to this point has been worth it, my thought is that if we are planning on spending the rest of our lives together, what is the rush to get married. I hope that this helped and I wish you the best of luck. |
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November 7, 2005, 10:21 pm PST
Quote From: killdoze1 Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there. I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou). He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.). I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.
My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love." I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales. However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all. On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely. We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October). I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together. Do you see my dilemma? All this back and forth is driving me crazy!
What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way. If so, how did the relationship turn out? Was/is it successful? I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships. Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated. I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help. Thanks very much to anyone who replies!! After posting my own concerns about this issue, I came across your post, and I have to say, you are not alone. When reading what you had to say, it actually made me cry because it was my feelings exactly, and I was relieved to find that I wasn't the only one experiencing this. When you said, "I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all," I can completely relate, because I love my boyfriend and feel I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but have also had the scary "what if "thought come into my head. I too am experiencing anxiousness from constantly running the thought through my head. The scary thing is that all we really have to compare our feelings to is past relationships (which ended for one reason or another). I just want you to know you are not alone, and if you have received any more advice or opinions about this, I would greatly appreciate you posting what you have found. |
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May 26, 2006, 4:58 pm PDT
Quote From: killdoze1 Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there. I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou). He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.). I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.
My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love." I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales. However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all. On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely. We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October). I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together. Do you see my dilemma? All this back and forth is driving me crazy!
What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way. If so, how did the relationship turn out? Was/is it successful? I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships. Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated. I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help. Thanks very much to anyone who replies!!
Hang onto him with both hands. |
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June 16, 2006, 8:01 am PDT
Quote From: killdoze1 Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there. I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou). He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.). I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.
My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love." I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales. However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all. On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely. We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October). I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together. Do you see my dilemma? All this back and forth is driving me crazy!
What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way. If so, how did the relationship turn out? Was/is it successful? I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships. Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated. I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help. Thanks very much to anyone who replies!! Dear truth seeker, I know that you're letter is from September last year. Nevertheless I felt an urge to say something to the "secret" of perfect love and how to find it.
Most people go out into the world to seek a certain thing by trying to find it in somebody else. If you're lucky to find a person like that, a person fulfilling your desires and expectations, then you question if there is not a better way or somebody else out there who could even love you more.
The question of perfect love turns philosophical at this very point, for who does really know what is better or more? What guidelines do you follow, what benchmarks do exist to prove a relationship "right"? If you look at love from this angle then you can never know what the best thing is.
Important rather is what is the best thing for you? You said "...I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him." To me that sounds like you already deeply know. I once read in a book that relationships are also there to make a statement of who you are. If he's the guy to allow you to be what you truly wish and desire to be then he's the one no matter. And that is perfect love.
You can find it by knowing that love has more to do with yourself rather then expecting to find it in someone else. You are the one holding the key and if you worry about time, let's say if the relationship will be the right one considering if it lasts an eternity :-), then I can only ask you: Does it really matter? Why worry about the future when you can only live in this very moment? And in this very moment being with him is total bliss for you...
I know about this cause I am in a loving relationship for years. My husband and I married after being together for two years and in August our 6th anniversary is coming up. Everyday I wake up and decide anew what it is I really want and it gives me deep fulfillment to see that everything I want is already there. We're still deeply in love and flirtatious in love and I am sincerely grateful.
Well, dear truth seeker, I hope you made the right decision for yourself and that you are happy with how things unfolded. All the best from Austria,
Sibylle |
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June 6, 2007, 12:07 pm PDT
Quote From: killdoze1 Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there. I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou). He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.). I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.
My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love." I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales. However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all. On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely. We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October). I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together. Do you see my dilemma? All this back and forth is driving me crazy!
What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way. If so, how did the relationship turn out? Was/is it successful? I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships. Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated. I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help. Thanks very much to anyone who replies!! I was in a serious relationship with a guy for three years, up until my 2nd year of college. Of course we were young and both wanted to experience the world before we made any commitments so we broke up and got back together several times. We never stopped loving each other though, and the fire was always there even if we had just broken up. The last time we got togther, things were going really great, and we had decided that we were ready to have a committed relationship together. A few weeks later, he gets a phone call from a girl he saw while we were apart, and then he just tells me we aren't going to work because he still has feelings for this other girl. So I was really hurt and went on my way.
My mom introduced me to another guy a few days after my breakup. I was on the rebound, I thought, but I ended up having a lot of fun with this new guy. We spent a lot of time together, had the same goals, ambitions, dreams for the future, religious background, and even our families were a lot alike. The new guy and I dated for 4 months and then we got engaged. After that, he started to let his true colors come out. He started getting jealous over nothing. I felt like I was stuck because we were engaged, and my parents had already started planning the wedding. We got engaged in March and were getting married in July of the same year. I went on with the engagement and did indeed marry him hoping things would change.
Two days after our marriage, things did change...for the worst. He became possessive, controlling, insecure, mentally abusive, demanding. He was a total stranger. I tried for 9 months to make the marriage work, but I was miserable the whole time. Everyday, I woke up knowing that the guy I married was just a rebound, and I still missed my ex. Now I'm divorced and I saw my ex a few weeks ago, and we started talking again. I found out why he dumped me, and it was only because the other girl said she was pregnant, and he wanted to be a good father.
Now, because I married a rebound on a whim, I'm 22 and going through a divorce. Luckily, I have no children, and my ex and I are back together doing great this time around.
If you are really considering marrying the new guy that you thought was just a rebound, give yourself some space (ie, a few days away from him to think by yourself, or a vacation alone) to think about is he really the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The saying is true that if you love somebody, let them go for a while, and if they come back, you know it is meant to be. |
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