Quote From: gymfriendIn June, my mother died. She was a hoarder and lived with me for 21 years. Her hoarding caused a great deal of difficulty in my marriage, as my husband grew very weary of the constant mess.
My husband and I finally asked my mother to leave as we tried for years to clean up her living environment. When we couldn't get a handle on it, we had to take the next step.
My mother was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis at the beginning of this year. And although that condition is not caused from an unclean environment, the allergy caused by the dust created an environment that became hazardous to my mother's health. My mother's "things" were so precious to her that she didn't want to leave them behind. As she shuffled her way through her stuff, preparing to move, her allergy to the dust increased.
My mother became very sick the beginning of June, and died from lung complications at the end of June. My family has mourned greatly for her loss.
As my daughters and I were left cleaning her environment, we all experienced breathing issues. Mine being the worst, sending me to the same pulmonologist that my mother went to. As I suffered and struggled to breathe, I wondered if my mother would have changed in order to save me from this heartache. I knew she didn't love her life more than her "stuff", but I wonder if she would have loved my life enough to change.
My mother died because her lungs were compromised by her disease, and she did not have a fair chance to fight the acute situation that was caused from her cleaning efforts. After her death, I had to struggle to heal, although my healthy lungs allowed me to overcome the dusty conditions
My mother had just turned 71 two weeks before she died. She died too young. It is difficult for my family to come to terms with the fact that my mother's stuff was important enough to her that she would die for it.
People do not realize that hoarding presents breathing problems for those who are exposed to such excess. Whether it is cats...or stuff. The dust, dirt and hair is excessive and lungs can only handle so much of all this.
My mother's pulmonologist says that breathing such dust is like smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. She also says that family members who are left cleaning up such mess will suffer breathing issues until the mess is gone.
My family cries over this. It is just plain sad.
Life is meant to have a degree of balance. And with hoarding...balance is absent.
Dear gymfriend,
I'm sorry for your loss. As a hoarder myself, I just want to tell you that hoarding like this is a compulsion. That means there is no logical equation that works, such as "I love my daughter and care for her health, therefore I will no longer hoard." Also, the opposite sentence is not true, "I love my things more than I love my life or my family."
I have tried many times to change my behaviors with such logical equations. To someone who does not have the skewed compulsive thinking or brain wiring or whatever that comes with hoarding, the choice to love things or to love people makes sense, and is probably an easy one to make.
But to someone with a hoarding issue, no amount of thinking about someone you love or something you enjoy or the benefits of a clean house seems to overcome the compulsion to hoard. When I attempt to take action or make a decision to take action, the fear and anxiety and apathy that come up freeze me to the sofa. The shame of friends or strangers seeing the mess I have created keeps me from accepting help from anyone. It's a real mind-bind thing that goes on.
So if it's any comfort to you, consider that your mother was dealing with a mental health issue in her hoarding, not a question of whether she valued her family.
May you and your family have all the love and support you need as you go through this time of grieving.
Susan
Dallas, TX
