Quote From: bellasbestAlthough I birthed both of my children, they are only distantly related to me. My husband and I used my niece's eggs due to fertility issues on my part. Now I have 2 healthy beautiful children and no one, except the three of us, knows the truth. Should the children be told? If so, when and how? What about my brother and his wife? They are technically the grandparents. Of course we talked about this before we went through all the procedures, but it was all so abstract then. Who knew if we would even be successful? But now that they're here I find myself shying away from disclosure. I don't want an elephant in the room! Help!
PS - With so many women nowadays using egg/sperm donors this is a growing issue. I'd really like to know how others are handling it. A few decades ago children were rarely told they were adopted. Now it is common for a child to know and acknowledge being adopted. I wonder how children of "the miracle of modern chemistry" will be regarded.
First of all you didn't mention how old your children are. In my opinion since I was adopted, your children should be told. I assume that you have read the other posts and I'm sure that you have seen that at some time or another the truth always comes out. (Your children are lucky that they will know who the natural mother is or should I say who's eggs were used to get you pregnant.) Also, how old is your niece? When I say that the truth always comes out, you have no way of seeing into the future. God forbid, but what would happen if something happened to you and your husband while your children were still minors. Would your niece tell them the truth then? I'm just saying that you never know. I'm 50 now and I can't remember a time when I didn't know that I was adopted. My parent's would read me a book called "The Chosen Baby" and I just always knew. I couldn't imagine finding out later in my life. Personally I would feel like my whole life was a lie. I still would like to know my background and have information regarding my natural parents but I never will and at times I really struggle with that fact.
How to tell your children? Again not knowing their ages is hard but I'll assume that they are young. At some point children always ask, "Where do babies come from?" At a young age you don't go into great detail. The information you give grows as the children grow. In your case I would say something like Mommies have eggs and Daddies have sperm and they meet together and then a baby grows in Mommies tummy like you grew in mine. But in your case, I didn't have any eggs so I got some from Aunt so and so because I wanted to have you so much! Maybe something like that. I would try to get an answer from Dr. Phil but if he doesn't answer, I would seek a professional opinion on how to tell your children. Get a consult with a Psychologist in your area but PLEASE tell them when they ask questions or when it's age appropriate. You don't want that elephant in your room forever or this on your mind for the rest of your life.
God Bless,
Suz
