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butterbean
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October 6, 2005, 8:01 am PDT

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?

You're never on a dead end road. 

Why do you say that if you left and he straightened up you could never return again?  

Please think about your two beautiful boys. They are no dummies. No matter how young they  may be, they certainly know a great deal of what is going on. If the authorities came to your home and found drugs, those children could be taken from YOU. That's a scary thought and in essence you are contributing to that possibility by living with an addict. Please don't let him take down the whole ship that is your family. I know that you are probably in a place where you're numb to your own feelings but I guarantee that you have plenty of feelings for your children. Please think about doing what you need to do for their sake. Flash forward to your boys being grown. Will they really have had a happy childhood with an addicted father? Will they themselves become addicts? Will they treat women poorly because that is the life example they have had? Do you feel guilty because you think that a flawed father is better than no father on the scene for them at all? I know that I used to think that when my boys were little. I thought that I didn't want my kids to be statistics coming from a broken home. My ex-husband was an addict as well, he drank himself into rages and I was stupid to think that my children didn't notice or that I managed to hide it from them or protect them from it. They knew.  

Maybe you could go to a counseling group for spouses of addicts. I'll bet that Narc A Non or one of those organizations has that type of group.  
 
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shrimpety
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October 6, 2005, 11:07 am PDT

Been there...you just leave....

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?

I was you once, sans the kids. I was arrogant enough to think I could fix someone that is an addict. My dad died and two days later I left my "boyfriend" of 7 years. You need to own the fact that you have allowed him to devistate you financially and emotionally because of your distorted belief that somehow you can change him -it took me six years to pay off what I owed as a result of his bad behaviour and along the way I was able to undo my co-dependent ways. I felt nothing when I left. I never looked back 

  

all I can tell you is that it's not a dramatic, big blowout ending. It just is. you are done being that person. You just pack your kids and go. You can replace everything except for your lives. Go stay with someone that you trust and seek full custody of your kids. If the court orders visitation, request that it be supervised since he is a using addict. You will know you are on the right track emotionally when you stop reflecting on what he did to upset your life and focus on what you did to allow things to be the way they are. by owning it, you release yourself of the guilt. 

  

I am eight years out from that horrible relationship. I married a wonderful man and have a marvelous life. In the last 8 years I have grown a lot, and learned that the only person you can change is yourself. I am a much better person today than I was 8 years ago. 

  
 
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mrsdbc427
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October 6, 2005, 11:50 am PDT

I understand

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?
I don't consider my relationship with my husband as abusive except for the fact that he too is a drug addict--prescription pain killers.  He was clean when we first met 6 years ago--afterwe had been married about 10 months he started using again--major weed and pain killers. He graduated to using 30 vicodin Lortabs etc a day. He would fall asleep in the middle of a connverstaion.  We alsmost split two years ago because the drugs were making him very erratic and verbally abusive. I told him I was leaving.  He quit weed cold turley (cost of $1000/month) and swore to get treatment for the painkillers.  Well, he's stayed of the weed increased his cigar smoking ten fold and is now taking (just found out about this) roxenol /liquid morphine for "pain".  We spend little time together, have absolutely no sex life and haven't for almost a year., he won'tpay bills till the last minute and he constantly borrows money from me. it 's a second marriage --I was a sigle parent for 17 years before marrying him) All of our finances are separate--thank god my name is NOT on his home nor his on mine (both acquired before our marriage) I signed for a truck for him which thank god is NOW paid off--I sweated that out for 4 years).  My credit rating is outstanding and his is the pitts. I am so tired of it all--he spends money he doesn't have, sttarts projects and never finishes them, and I am worried about the future--I am 11 years his senior and will retire in 10 years--I can not support his addictive lifestyle.  After the first of the year I plan on trying to move to a small apt. near my job and call it quits.  He tries to say he takes medication because of pain--that no one questions diabetics taking their medication. What he fails to realize is he IS addicted and that is what causes his pain, impotence, lethargy and all his other little complaints.  I married the second time to have a partner who would do things with me--I am getting nothing out this marriage at this point so I will be leaving!  Good luck to you and your children!
 
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louisag
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October 6, 2005, 2:13 pm PDT

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?
You will find the strength through your Children. Do whats best for them. Good luck to you.
 
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sweetpeas
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October 6, 2005, 2:56 pm PDT

Find your inner strength

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?
You have to learn to love yourself, one day at a time.  Mental abuse tears you down and it gives them control over your body and your thoughts.  Look into the mirror and find one different thing each day that you like about yourself and look at your boys and ask yourself for them why should you stay and then ask yourself for them why you should leave.  Chances are that your husband will either start abusing them, or start getting them to do as he does and they will grow up to be just like him.  BREAK THE CHAIN!  You and your boys deserve better.  Marriage is not a one way street.  You can do it.  There are programs out there to help you with money and rent.  The question is how ready are you to leave?  You can't go back again.  It only will get worse.  You can't change what you're not willing to acknowledge!!  Start changing you today, and get off of your dead end road!
 
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lilly218
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October 6, 2005, 3:17 pm PDT

Understand Your Pain

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?
I don't have any advice for you, but I thought it might help you to know you are not alone. For years, I thought I was, and hearing your story brought me some comfort knowing there is someone out there that is going through the same thing. Unlike you, however, I have never had the courage to leave. I wish I had somewhere to go, and a way to support my four children. I can't stand living this way anymore, but yet I feel hopeless. And I do think we are both on dead end roads. I know for myself, if he were to become clean tomorrow, I could never trust he will stay that way..too many broken promises. I know he continues to do what he does because he knows I have nowhere to go. I do believe that we have the potential to be happy, well adjusted women if we only had the strength to pull it together.
 
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christrent
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October 6, 2005, 3:18 pm PDT

I know EXACTLY what you mean

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?

Gill, 

Your message could be written by me.  My husband is an addict as well and I have a two year old and I am 8 mnths pregnant with my second.  I own my own business and home, yet I am on food stamps because he has drained all my money, I am in the process of losing my business and am trying to hold on to my house.  I have heard all of the "I promise things will change" stuff and yet it never does.  I am 36 and also college educated yet I feel as if I have no options.  I have no help with my children and I am scared I will lose the little control I have left over the business if I leave.  I hope you read this and write back to me.  If nothing else you have someone who knows exactly how you feel! 
 
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reginalay
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October 6, 2005, 7:17 pm PDT

Gill1234

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?

(((Gill)))  You're not alone, believe me.  I'm just a stranger to you, I know, but I have felt the same confusion, self-doubt, and desperation you seem to be feeling right now.  Please, feel free to email me if you need someone who can understand to talk with.  :-) 
 
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mizpah1
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October 8, 2005, 1:22 pm PDT

Scared to Leave

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?

Verbal and emotional abuse can be worse than physical.  The scars are deeper, and take a lot longer to heal, if ever.  I was in my mid 20s, he was 16 years older.  I did not realize I was being totally controlled until life became unbearable.  I left at age 29, and have never looked back.  It's never too late to leave and start over.  Women are self-sufficient, and if they don't like being alone, there are other nice guys out there.  From experience, I advise you to leave NOW!  Not tomorrow or later .... NOW!  You may want to come back, but fight this urge.  You will get over this abusive person.  You are worth more.  You will learn to love and respect yourself, and will be so thankful later on. 

 

There are shelters and organizations out there that can help you.  You are not alone if you live.  you stay, and you are alone.  I know. 
 
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detroit
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October 10, 2005, 2:53 pm PDT

Ditto

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?
 My husband is also an addict.  His choice of is .  He has been in recovery since 1996, but has had quite a few relapses.  We have two boys, 5 and 4.  Sounds like we have a lot in common!  My question for you is, is your husband actively trying to change?  Everyone seems to be telling you to leave him, and you should if he is actively using and not wanting to change.  However, if he is trying, my opinion is to see what happens.  It's hard i know.  My husband has had many relapses like i said and his last one was Dec. of 2004.  He got caught (i called the cops on him) and he got busted.  he got 3 years probation.  He has to go to meetings twice a week and gets dropped randomly.  It has made a world of difference (the accountablity).  If your husband has no accountability, see if he would be willing to get dropped once a week (counseling places are out there that you could do that at for about $10 a drop).  He might really want to stop, but without accountability, it's so hard.  I don't know what your husband struggles with, but I know is extremely hard to kick.  Also, try to get him counseling.  My husband finally got put on a called Lexapro and it has made a world of difference.  It does something in his brain to make him be able to think before he acts.  It's helped his anger too.  Lastly, get yourself in a group.  either online or go somewhere.  I am a part of a group of ladies who are either addicts or family of addicts.  It's a great blend because we get to know how each other thinks.  It has been great and i have learned so much.  They have also helped me develop a plan of what I'll do if my husband uses again.  It's good to have a plan, and let your husband know what it is.  Then you just have to stick with it!  Don't know if that all helps.  I hope you find the courage to help your husband, but first take care of yourself!
 
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