Replies to '12/12 Christmas Chaos'

Merry Christmas,

The last time my family of origin was together was Christmas in 2000.  It was at my sister's house, even though it was my "turn," because she begged and pleaded with me that this was her "last chance" to host Christmas.  No, she wasn't terminally ill or moving out of state.  She was planning to leave her abusive husband (or so the story goes). 

She left him in May of 2001 and returned in September 2001 (long story).  Since then, I've been "uninvited" from their lives. 

In Feb. 2003 our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  I caught it early, and at this time she's still able to live alone, even though she doesn't drive any more. 

I arranged a family meeting with my brother, his wife, and my sister.  I let them know about Mom's situation and asked them to work with me to help take care of her.  They agreed, but did not follow through.  The following year I arranged another family meeting, this time with a trusted aunt & uncle.  My brother came, but my sister wouldn't answer her cell phone, even though she knew the time and said she'd participate.

I've sent letters to the family updating them on Mom's health and welfare.  My sister (or her husband) refuse and return anything from me.  My brother admits when he doesn't read them - or if he does he says he has to read it again to understand. 

It's been a repetitive scenario:  me asking for specific help for Mom, begging for said help, demanding it, then threatening a deadline of some sort.  Overall, only a medical emergency (Mom's been hospitalized a couple of times) or a deadline with consequences has inspired action from my siblings on Mom's behalf.

My brothers' two daughters have had babies - I got no invitation to either shower, no announcement, no pictures . . . exclusion.

Likewise, when my sister's daughter got married I wasn't invited to the shower or wedding.  My sister was the matron of honor in my wedding and her daughter was my junior bridesmaid.  Again, for me - exclusion.

These exclusions have hurt Mom very much, but even my description of how upset she got has not impressed the severity of this situation on them.  Mom was so angry she said she wouldn't go to these events - I talked her into going.  I even took her shopping for a gift for my sister's daughter - it was refused.  I had to take Mom shopping for an outfit for the wedding - even though the bride and her mother (my sister) had taken Grandma to the salon to see the bride's dress.

We've lost an aunt and an uncle this past year.  So now, it's come to the most final type of separation:  death.  Births, marriages, and even death haven't inspired any of them to work together with me as a team to help Mom.

You may be wondering what I've done to warrant all this.  It's hard for me to know because they won't discuss it, but I think it's because I dared to say, "NO!" (to my sister:  No - you can't use me and my family and then turn your back on us when you decide to return to the abuse; to my niece - setting boundaries of no swearing, no name-calling, no accusations and no insults) or I've forced them to DO something for Mom by threatening consequences if they didn't (to my brother - throwing things out that he had stored at Mom's house).

I've apologized, asked for forgiveness, offered to make whatever amends they require, suggested counseling (attempted once, but unsuccessfully) and begged and pleaded for them to work with me as a team to help take care of Mom. 

I've resigned myself to the fact that I have to manage Mom's health as if I were an only child. I call Mom between 6-10 times a day to remind her to eat and take her meds (which I organize in trays for her).  I schedule and take her to her doctor appointments.  I take her grocery shopping.  I make sure her bills and taxes get paid.  I've contracted for her grass to get cut because nobody in the family can do it on a regular basis.  My husband and I do the maintenance tasks for her home. 

My brother and his adult daughter will still talk to me, but requests to go to counseling again - of their choice - are either ignored or declined. As my niece put it just today:  "I don't believe in counseling."

I'm a very happily married woman with a 10-year old child.  My husband is a very supportive and understanding man:  he's been with me through all of this and hung in there.  He's encouraged me and supported me, whatever decision I've made.  We don't have any of the above issues with each other, and I don't have any of these issues with friends, neighbors, or co-workers. 

I had an epiphany this season: "Home for the Holidays" is now geared toward creating "home" memories for my daughter - not trying to recapture my childhood memories.

Well, thanks for listening.  That's the short, short version of my story.  Watch for the book in about 10-20 years. 

May God bless and keep you all this holiday season and always.

Linda D. 

Merry Christmas,

The last time my family of origin was together was Christmas in 2000.  It was at my sister's house, even though it was my "turn," because she begged and pleaded with me that this was her "last chance" to host Christmas.  No, she wasn't terminally ill or moving out of state.  She was planning to leave her abusive husband (or so the story goes). 

She left him in May of 2001 and returned in September 2001 (long story).  Since then, I've been "uninvited" from their lives. 

In Feb. 2003 our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  I caught it early, and at this time she's still able to live alone, even though she doesn't drive any more. 

I arranged a family meeting with my brother, his wife, and my sister.  I let them know about Mom's situation and asked them to work with me to help take care of her.  They agreed, but did not follow through.  The following year I arranged another family meeting, this time with a trusted aunt & uncle.  My brother came, but my sister wouldn't answer her cell phone, even though she knew the time and said she'd participate.

I've sent letters to the family updating them on Mom's health and welfare.  My sister (or her husband) refuse and return anything from me.  My brother admits when he doesn't read them - or if he does he says he has to read it again to understand. 

It's been a repetitive scenario:  me asking for specific help for Mom, begging for said help, demanding it, then threatening a deadline of some sort.  Overall, only a medical emergency (Mom's been hospitalized a couple of times) or a deadline with consequences has inspired action from my siblings on Mom's behalf.

My brothers' two daughters have had babies - I got no invitation to either shower, no announcement, no pictures . . . exclusion.

Likewise, when my sister's daughter got married I wasn't invited to the shower or wedding.  My sister was the matron of honor in my wedding and her daughter was my junior bridesmaid.  Again, for me - exclusion.

These exclusions have hurt Mom very much, but even my description of how upset she got has not impressed the severity of this situation on them.  Mom was so angry she said she wouldn't go to these events - I talked her into going.  I even took her shopping for a gift for my sister's daughter - it was refused.  I had to take Mom shopping for an outfit for the wedding - even though the bride and her mother (my sister) had taken Grandma to the salon to see the bride's dress.

We've lost an aunt and an uncle this past year.  So now, it's come to the most final type of separation:  death.  Births, marriages, and even death haven't inspired any of them to work together with me as a team to help Mom.

You may be wondering what I've done to warrant all this.  It's hard for me to know because they won't discuss it, but I think it's because I dared to say, "NO!" (to my sister:  No - you can't use me and my family and then turn your back on us when you decide to return to the abuse; to my niece - setting boundaries of no swearing, no name-calling, no accusations and no insults) or I've forced them to DO something for Mom by threatening consequences if they didn't (to my brother - throwing things out that he had stored at Mom's house).

I've apologized, asked for forgiveness, offered to make whatever amends they require, suggested counseling (attempted once, but unsuccessfully) and begged and pleaded for them to work with me as a team to help take care of Mom. 

I've resigned myself to the fact that I have to manage Mom's health as if I were an only child. I call Mom between 6-10 times a day to remind her to eat and take her meds (which I organize in trays for her).  I schedule and take her to her doctor appointments.  I take her grocery shopping.  I make sure her bills and taxes get paid.  I've contracted for her grass to get cut because nobody in the family can do it on a regular basis.  My husband and I do the maintenance tasks for her home. 

My brother and his adult daughter will still talk to me, but requests to go to counseling again - of their choice - are either ignored or declined. As my niece put it just today:  "I don't believe in counseling."

I'm a very happily married woman with a 10-year old child.  My husband is a very supportive and understanding man:  he's been with me through all of this and hung in there.  He's encouraged me and supported me, whatever decision I've made.  We don't have any of the above issues with each other, and I don't have any of these issues with friends, neighbors, or co-workers. 

I had an epiphany this season: "Home for the Holidays" is now geared toward creating "home" memories for my daughter - not trying to recapture my childhood memories.

Well, thanks for listening.  That's the short, short version of my story.  Watch for the book in about 10-20 years. 

May God bless and keep you all this holiday season and always.

Linda D. 

Merry Christmas,

The last time my family of origin was together was Christmas in 2000.  It was at my sister's house, even though it was my "turn," because she begged and pleaded with me that this was her "last chance" to host Christmas.  No, she wasn't terminally ill or moving out of state.  She was planning to leave her abusive husband (or so the story goes). 

She left him in May of 2001 and returned in September 2001 (long story).  Since then, I've been "uninvited" from their lives. 

In Feb. 2003 our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  I caught it early, and at this time she's still able to live alone, even though she doesn't drive any more. 

I arranged a family meeting with my brother, his wife, and my sister.  I let them know about Mom's situation and asked them to work with me to help take care of her.  They agreed, but did not follow through.  The following year I arranged another family meeting, this time with a trusted aunt & uncle.  My brother came, but my sister wouldn't answer her cell phone, even though she knew the time and said she'd participate.

I've sent letters to the family updating them on Mom's health and welfare.  My sister (or her husband) refuse and return anything from me.  My brother admits when he doesn't read them - or if he does he says he has to read it again to understand. 

It's been a repetitive scenario:  me asking for specific help for Mom, begging for said help, demanding it, then threatening a deadline of some sort.  Overall, only a medical emergency (Mom's been hospitalized a couple of times) or a deadline with consequences has inspired action from my siblings on Mom's behalf.

My brothers' two daughters have had babies - I got no invitation to either shower, no announcement, no pictures . . . exclusion.

Likewise, when my sister's daughter got married I wasn't invited to the shower or wedding.  My sister was the matron of honor in my wedding and her daughter was my junior bridesmaid.  Again, for me - exclusion.

These exclusions have hurt Mom very much, but even my description of how upset she got has not impressed the severity of this situation on them.  Mom was so angry she said she wouldn't go to these events - I talked her into going.  I even took her shopping for a gift for my sister's daughter - it was refused.  I had to take Mom shopping for an outfit for the wedding - even though the bride and her mother (my sister) had taken Grandma to the salon to see the bride's dress.

We've lost an aunt and an uncle this past year.  So now, it's come to the most final type of separation:  death.  Births, marriages, and even death haven't inspired any of them to work together with me as a team to help Mom.

You may be wondering what I've done to warrant all this.  It's hard for me to know because they won't discuss it, but I think it's because I dared to say, "NO!" (to my sister:  No - you can't use me and my family and then turn your back on us when you decide to return to the abuse; to my niece - setting boundaries of no swearing, no name-calling, no accusations and no insults) or I've forced them to DO something for Mom by threatening consequences if they didn't (to my brother - throwing things out that he had stored at Mom's house).

I've apologized, asked for forgiveness, offered to make whatever amends they require, suggested counseling (attempted once, but unsuccessfully) and begged and pleaded for them to work with me as a team to help take care of Mom. 

I've resigned myself to the fact that I have to manage Mom's health as if I were an only child. I call Mom between 6-10 times a day to remind her to eat and take her meds (which I organize in trays for her).  I schedule and take her to her doctor appointments.  I take her grocery shopping.  I make sure her bills and taxes get paid.  I've contracted for her grass to get cut because nobody in the family can do it on a regular basis.  My husband and I do the maintenance tasks for her home. 

My brother and his adult daughter will still talk to me, but requests to go to counseling again - of their choice - are either ignored or declined. As my niece put it just today:  "I don't believe in counseling."

I'm a very happily married woman with a 10-year old child.  My husband is a very supportive and understanding man:  he's been with me through all of this and hung in there.  He's encouraged me and supported me, whatever decision I've made.  We don't have any of the above issues with each other, and I don't have any of these issues with friends, neighbors, or co-workers. 

I had an epiphany this season: "Home for the Holidays" is now geared toward creating "home" memories for my daughter - not trying to recapture my childhood memories.

Well, thanks for listening.  That's the short, short version of my story.  Watch for the book in about 10-20 years. 

May God bless and keep you all this holiday season and always.

Linda D. 

Merry Christmas,

The last time my family of origin was together was Christmas in 2000.  It was at my sister's house, even though it was my "turn," because she begged and pleaded with me that this was her "last chance" to host Christmas.  No, she wasn't terminally ill or moving out of state.  She was planning to leave her abusive husband (or so the story goes). 

She left him in May of 2001 and returned in September 2001 (long story).  Since then, I've been "uninvited" from their lives. 

In Feb. 2003 our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  I caught it early, and at this time she's still able to live alone, even though she doesn't drive any more. 

I arranged a family meeting with my brother, his wife, and my sister.  I let them know about Mom's situation and asked them to work with me to help take care of her.  They agreed, but did not follow through.  The following year I arranged another family meeting, this time with a trusted aunt & uncle.  My brother came, but my sister wouldn't answer her cell phone, even though she knew the time and said she'd participate.

I've sent letters to the family updating them on Mom's health and welfare.  My sister (or her husband) refuse and return anything from me.  My brother admits when he doesn't read them - or if he does he says he has to read it again to understand. 

It's been a repetitive scenario:  me asking for specific help for Mom, begging for said help, demanding it, then threatening a deadline of some sort.  Overall, only a medical emergency (Mom's been hospitalized a couple of times) or a deadline with consequences has inspired action from my siblings on Mom's behalf.

My brothers' two daughters have had babies - I got no invitation to either shower, no announcement, no pictures . . . exclusion.

Likewise, when my sister's daughter got married I wasn't invited to the shower or wedding.  My sister was the matron of honor in my wedding and her daughter was my junior bridesmaid.  Again, for me - exclusion.

These exclusions have hurt Mom very much, but even my description of how upset she got has not impressed the severity of this situation on them.  Mom was so angry she said she wouldn't go to these events - I talked her into going.  I even took her shopping for a gift for my sister's daughter - it was refused.  I had to take Mom shopping for an outfit for the wedding - even though the bride and her mother (my sister) had taken Grandma to the salon to see the bride's dress.

We've lost an aunt and an uncle this past year.  So now, it's come to the most final type of separation:  death.  Births, marriages, and even death haven't inspired any of them to work together with me as a team to help Mom.

You may be wondering what I've done to warrant all this.  It's hard for me to know because they won't discuss it, but I think it's because I dared to say, "NO!" (to my sister:  No - you can't use me and my family and then turn your back on us when you decide to return to the abuse; to my niece - setting boundaries of no swearing, no name-calling, no accusations and no insults) or I've forced them to DO something for Mom by threatening consequences if they didn't (to my brother - throwing things out that he had stored at Mom's house).

I've apologized, asked for forgiveness, offered to make whatever amends they require, suggested counseling (attempted once, but unsuccessfully) and begged and pleaded for them to work with me as a team to help take care of Mom. 

I've resigned myself to the fact that I have to manage Mom's health as if I were an only child. I call Mom between 6-10 times a day to remind her to eat and take her meds (which I organize in trays for her).  I schedule and take her to her doctor appointments.  I take her grocery shopping.  I make sure her bills and taxes get paid.  I've contracted for her grass to get cut because nobody in the family can do it on a regular basis.  My husband and I do the maintenance tasks for her home. 

My brother and his adult daughter will still talk to me, but requests to go to counseling again - of their choice - are either ignored or declined. As my niece put it just today:  "I don't believe in counseling."

I'm a very happily married woman with a 10-year old child.  My husband is a very supportive and understanding man:  he's been with me through all of this and hung in there.  He's encouraged me and supported me, whatever decision I've made.  We don't have any of the above issues with each other, and I don't have any of these issues with friends, neighbors, or co-workers. 

I had an epiphany this season: "Home for the Holidays" is now geared toward creating "home" memories for my daughter - not trying to recapture my childhood memories.

Well, thanks for listening.  That's the short, short version of my story.  Watch for the book in about 10-20 years. 

May God bless and keep you all this holiday season and always.

Linda D.