Replies to '12/12 Christmas Chaos'
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December 13, 2007, 4:19 am PST
 Quote From: housewife52 Linda, I think most families may experience what you're going through. Both of my parents were ill at the same time before they died.(2 1/2 months apart) My sister and I did the best we could for as long as we could. Toward the end, it became too much for us and we couldn't afford to hire caregivers. So my parents went to a facility for the last several months of thier lives. There are 5 of us and my youngest brother was sort of against them leaving thier home. But, he didn't push it. My sister and I DID discuss that if he wanted them at home, he was going to have to step up and help. But it didn't get to that. And after they died, he told the both of us that we had done the right thing. (We had done the only thing we could do.)
You can't force your siblings to do things they are not willing to do. You just have to do the best YOU can for as LONG as you can and let it go at that.
It was the same with my husband's family. His widowed mother had Althziemer's. There are 5 siblings. My husband and his 2 sisters were the caregivers until she died. They didn't want to put her in a facility and I don't blame them. She wouldn't have had the care at a facility that they were willing to give her. The 2 sisters sacrificed a great deal to keep her at home. It was a tough road at times. My husband helped as much as he could.
I believe that it is a rare situation where the whole family bands together and helps. It is just the way it is. My sister and I have no bad feelings towards the rest of our siblings. Nor do my husband and his sisters harbor resentment toward thier siblings. That's just the way things happened.
I'm not sure if you're saying that the problems with your not being included in things stems from the fact that the others won't help. You seem to have a very strong personality. Do you think you have turned them away from you because you are trying to force them to help? You can't have your cake and eat it too. Maybe if you backed down and accepted that they are not willing to help they would be more receptive of you.
It may be that you are unwilling to accept things as they are. But, IMO, there is not a thing you can do to change them. Good luck to you and I hope you have a good Christmas. Thank you for your comments. Just to clarify: the conflicts with the family began before Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My sister's issues with me stem from the spousal abuse and my concern for her safety, which is apparently perceieved as hatred of her; my niece (my brother's daughter that will still talk to me but doesn't believe in counseling) has issues with people "shooting her down." It seems that any time someone disagrees with her, she gets offended.
The examples she's given are: 1) I didn't listen to her about what food I should feed my puppy so his stomach didn't get tied up in knots - he's 7 now, no stomach issues - and 2) the counselor we did see didn't listen to her diagnosis that her Grandma had COPD - she doesn't, she had a blocked artery that was treated with cardiac catheterization & a stent. These are the examples she gave that she can't forgive me for and doesn't believe in counseling.
These pictures are before & after of Mom's basement. In Jan 2004 I did a mold test that showed 3 types of harmful mold. In Feb. 2004 she contracted pneumonia. Mom was at my home for 4 months while this got taken care of. I forced the family to help clean it out by threatening to throw it out - after asking, begging, demanding, invoking "Mom wants to go home," and then the threat of junk removal.
When Mom was diagnosed, I hoped that they would accept my apologies and explanations and put aside their issues to help Mom.
I have had to accept that there's nothing else I can do to get them to help. It's not easy and it's still a struggle at times, especially when they do something that hurts Mom. Mom's also diabetic; my sister let her buy 6 grocery bags full of clearance candies, cookies and sugar-coated nuts. Things like that happen quite frequently, and I asked myself one question before making an issue of it: If Mom were living in a facility and this happened, would I have a valid reason to complain? Now, I don't mention it - I just return things or clean up the mess.
I'm taking care of Mom now as if I were an only child, because I was literally worrying myself sick over their issues and begging my brother to arrange some type of meeting to resolve them. He hasn't done anything and I have nothing left to threaten him with.
Marriage, babies and deaths in the family have deepened the rift - there's nothing left on Earth to open their hearts to forgiveness and reconciliation.
My goal had been for the family to work together as a team to help Mom, my hope was to open a dialogue, my fear was that nothing would change. Unfortunately, it's gotten worse.
Please pray for us.
Thank you again for listening.
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