Replies to 'Getting Along With Your In-Laws'
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August 2, 2005, 9:34 am PDT
 Quote From: shawbehan Well, since it's at MIL's home it will be harder to have control over whether the liquor comes out or not. Let's just hope that most of those attending have more prudence than to "tie one on" at a child's birthday party.
It kinda puts a different spin on the food issue, too, because if MIL wants extra food and she is willing to supply it, IMHO, let her knock herself out. If she winds up eating leftovers for two weeks, there is no one else to blame, right?
For future celebrations, why not have it at your home or a neutral location like an indoor playground so you are not subject to MIL's control? The third party location is the best because you can blame it on not wanting a bunch of kids tearing apart your house or wanting to avoid a huge clean up afterwards and hopefully not offend anyone, MIL included.
You mention that your inlaws are Portugese and this adds another dimension because different cultures have different customs and I'm sure you don't want to offend someone by rejecting that culture. However, I was once at a wedding where one partner was Armenian and the other was Irish, but only the Armenian culture was represented at the wedding and I felt that was a shame, so I hope MIL recognizes/appreciates what customs/expectations you bring to the table from your own cultural orgins too.
But the bottom line is, this is your child's first birthday and it's coming up on Sunday. I hope you can make peace with all this that's going on so you can focus on your little one and enjoy this milestone in his life. Take lots of pictures and if MIL does stuff- even deliberately- to tick you off, try to look the other way and just enjoy the day. I think that some of these controllers actually get off on causing problems and trying to make others squirm, so don't give her that satisfaction. Often times members of families who have controlling members like this have long ago learned to shrug off or even ignore their annoying behaviours.
Next year just make sure you plan for another venue.
Good luck Sunday. Let us know how it went, okay?
Sincerely,
SB Well the party went ok. My MIL did delibertly try to make me angry, but I just ignored her. I had a talk with my husband in the morning after I fed our son breakfast. You see, my MIL had gotten up early to "clean" (thats what she said the night before) but she ended up cooking some chicken, pork chops, and corn on the cob, as well as some salads. (I'd like to know where that all came from, as far as I knew she was only going to have the pork chops) So as you can see, she started first thing in the morning. So I was a little annoyed, and when my husband and I were alone, I said to him "I want the hamburgers & hotdogs, so can you either say something to your mom, or make sure they get cooked." and he was like "honey, don't worry, I'm going to cook them. Just try to relax and enjoy the party" So I stopped worrying about it because I knew he'd do what he said. So they were cooked and people ate them. But of course after that MIL decides to bring out what she had made (not even half-an-hour later) and people nibbled on it, but I think it was only because they felt that they had to. But she made a comment, she actually said "Now I'm going to bring out the real food" I just about lost it at that point because I know that was a direct attack at me. I knew she was trying to get a rise out of me, so I just let it go. But then she kept saying it, whenever I was within earshot, which was about 4 or 5 times. (that I counted) I mean, can you believe that?? She even said "I told Danny (my husband) not to cook those." (meaning the hamburgers and hotdogs), but thankfully he said something to her when he heard that. My mom also said to her that it was what my husband & I wanted because it was our son's party. Then after a bit, we decided to have the cake and presents. The cake thing went fine. My son got it all over his face and hands, it was really cute. But the presents, well that's another story. Things were ok for a bit, but then my son started fussing because he was tired and a little hungry, and my husband and I were opening the presents for him, because well you know how 1 year olds are...they get distracted easily. So anyways MIL takes my son into the kitchen (we opened the gifts inside) and gives him a bannana. I didn't mind the fact that she gave him something to eat, but why did she have to take him into the kitchen when we were opening his gifts?? So anyways, besides all that, things went well. My husband, mom, sister, and myself didn't eat any of the "real food" as my MIL called it. I guess we were kind of protesting it in a way, but oh well. I don't know if she has any leftovers, and frankly I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, it's her problem. I said to my husband that I'm not going through this next year, so even if I have to have the party somewhere else, I will because I'm not letting my MIL "take over" again. Do you think I handled things well? |
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November 27, 2005, 4:53 pm PST
Quote From: shawbehan Well, since it's at MIL's home it will be harder to have control over whether the liquor comes out or not. Let's just hope that most of those attending have more prudence than to "tie one on" at a child's birthday party.
It kinda puts a different spin on the food issue, too, because if MIL wants extra food and she is willing to supply it, IMHO, let her knock herself out. If she winds up eating leftovers for two weeks, there is no one else to blame, right?
For future celebrations, why not have it at your home or a neutral location like an indoor playground so you are not subject to MIL's control? The third party location is the best because you can blame it on not wanting a bunch of kids tearing apart your house or wanting to avoid a huge clean up afterwards and hopefully not offend anyone, MIL included.
You mention that your inlaws are Portugese and this adds another dimension because different cultures have different customs and I'm sure you don't want to offend someone by rejecting that culture. However, I was once at a wedding where one partner was Armenian and the other was Irish, but only the Armenian culture was represented at the wedding and I felt that was a shame, so I hope MIL recognizes/appreciates what customs/expectations you bring to the table from your own cultural orgins too.
But the bottom line is, this is your child's first birthday and it's coming up on Sunday. I hope you can make peace with all this that's going on so you can focus on your little one and enjoy this milestone in his life. Take lots of pictures and if MIL does stuff- even deliberately- to tick you off, try to look the other way and just enjoy the day. I think that some of these controllers actually get off on causing problems and trying to make others squirm, so don't give her that satisfaction. Often times members of families who have controlling members like this have long ago learned to shrug off or even ignore their annoying behaviours.
Next year just make sure you plan for another venue.
Good luck Sunday. Let us know how it went, okay?
Sincerely,
SB I am trying to replay to arwen. I haven't figured out this message board yet. You need to get away from the MinL's control and input as soon as possible. Move if you have to. Your husband will need to tell her that you are the mother and that your decisions are the ones that rule over hers(the MinL) You are the mother and your mother in law will have to respect that. Your husband will have to firmly tell her that. If she is controlling you by her purse strings you are in trouble. Next year perhaps you could have a year and a half party--do it in the spring time and have it at a public park if you are short on money. I remember going to toddlers birthday parties at McDonalds when my kids were young. Have a scavenger hunt in your back yard next year. ---Don't share any of your plans with Min L next year. If you want her to attend just send her an invitation 1/2 week before you have it. Then you won't have any unwanted suggestions or nosy intrusions into your plans. YOu need to assert your dominance over her quickly in the matters concerning your children. IT sounds like she does not know what is appropriate there. You will have more and more trouble from her if you don't cut her apron strings quickly and firmly. Your might even disinclude her for a party if she is that domineering. She might think about it and simmer down eventually after she gets miffed at first. |
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