Quote From: mpicouI have been married for 32 years. I have two boys, 19 and 15. I have worked full time since I was 16 years old (now 50). I must say, that Grant would have LOVED me in my earlier years. Before I left for work each morning, I would go through the house and completely straighten it, making the beds, wiping the bathroom and kitchen counters, even wiping off the spigots in the kitchen and bathrooms. I came home from work each night and cooked a big meal, cleaned the kitchen and washed,dried and folded clothes. It was usually about 10:00 p.m. before I was through.
After working all week, I would spend my Saturdays, regardless of what else was going on in the world, cleaning from top to bottom. Even after I had children....Saturday was my big cleaning day. Also, twice a year, I did my "deep cleaning," which included cleaning the insides of every closet and cabinet, washing the items inside and returning them to their proper place.. cleaning the corners of each room with a damp rag wrapped around a butter knife, cleaning baseboards, doors, door facings and window facings, washing down walls and ceilings, taking down blinds and curtains and washing them, cleaning light fixtures and ceiling fans, and anything else you could possibly imagine. I would hire a house keeper from time to time, but they never did it right and I would still spend my time cleaning up after them!
Sunday was my ironing day. I would pull out all of the clothes that had been worn and washed from that week and starch and iron each and every item, including my children's play clothes.
As my children grew older, they started to complain. Why can't we go to the zoo, park, fair (insert activity)? My husband would complain that I never had time to spend with him. I would explain to them just how lucky they were that I kept a spotless home and ironed every piece of clothing they wore. Oh, they were so fortunate, I thought.
Then one day I realized, this was not what was most important to my children. What they wanted was a Mom with whom they could spend time. A Mom who was not always exhausted, irritated and frustrated. A Mom who was not always huffing and puffing around the house, picking up behind them or bitching at them to do so. A Mom who was not depressed or anxious, a Mom who took care of herself, so she could take care of them.
Another miraculous thing happened. I aged. Although I take much pride in not looking my age, boy I sure feel every year of it. When I hit 40, my body began to slow down, probably hastened by the years of endless work. I began to realize that no one, least of all my family, cared if the house was spotless and everything was in its place. I began to believe the old saying that when asked on their deathbed what was most regrettable about their life, no one has ever said, "I wish I would have worked more." This changed my life. I hired a house keeper and stopped cleaning behind her. I let my children wear "wash and wear" clothes, without always ironing them. (I still do iron those that looked wrinkled).
Low and behold, I became a happier person, who in turn became a happier Mom with happier children. My kid are great kids who have never been involved in the things we all fear, drugs, crime, teen pregnancy, etc., although I know there is still time. I refuse to allow these bad things to happen though because now, I have the time to be vigilant as to what my children are doing and with whom. I am not frustrated and tired all the time, so I can have fun with my kids and believe it or not, they still enjoy being with me.
Believe me, all of you, a spotless home is not the most important thing in the world. What is, is your children. They grow up so fast and the lost time cannot be retrieved. Grant, if you think your kids truly care about a spotless home, think again. What they do care about is the tension between you and your wife. What they do care about is seeing that both their Mother and Father are happy, not only separately, but together. What they do care about is a little freedom to run and play, not always worrying that they will mess up something. Do not think for one minute that they don't hear every cross word between you and your wife or sense your resentment for each other? I promise you they do, because kids miss nothing, good, bad or indifferent. When they don' t feel feel love and happiness, they are consumed with fear for their future. They are consumed with the fear that Mom or Dad will leave the other and then leave them.
I understand OCD, because I have it, as do all of my siblings. Do you know why we all have it? Because our mother had classic OCD when we were growing up. Who do you think taught me how to clean, wash and iron?
I will end by saying this. I got married at 18 and decided I was going to be the PERFECT WIFE. After having my first child, I decided I was going to be the PERFECT MOTHER. Oh and I was, if I was judged by my cleanliness. However, I can assure you, that is not the standard by which one should be judged. It is what is in your heart and how you love those around you that one should be judged.
If you truly love your wife, put your ring back on. You say you aren't sure why you took off your ring? Well I am. You did it to punish your wife for not being PERFECT and living up to your expectations. Well, I am sure you do not live up to her expectations either, as I am sure she expected a kind and loving husband who built her up, not knocked her down. Brag on her to her, as well as to others. You will be surprised how happy you and your family will become. As the saying goes, "When Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, and when Mom ain't happy long enough, you ain't happy with half your stuff."
Dr. Phil revisits the topic of what makes a good wife. Grant and Kelly first appeared on the show because Grant expected his wife to live up to his demanding standards. He wanted a cleaner house, better meals and a sexier spouse. After seven years, his constant criticism and disappointment had her ready to throw in the towel on trying to become the "perfect wife." Dr. Phil’s first talk with Grant and Kelly caused quite a stir as thousands of viewers wrote in choosing sides. How are Grant and Kelly now? Has Grant abandoned his critical ways and his expectation of having a Stepford wife? And why is he no longer wearing his wedding ring? Talk about the show here.
