Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

I have been reading some of the posts and posted a few things myself. 

I'm sitting here thinking.   

Where do we as a society draw the line? 

I mean our laws in our country have declared that murder is forbidden and punishable by imprisonment or death even. 

Our laws have said that child molestation and rape are also forbidden and have consequences in a court of law. 

Our laws even state now that men or women who physically abuse their spouses or children or perfect strangers can be imprisoned if it is proven in a court of law. 

So where do we draw the line?  Is that it?  Are there to be no repercussions of ones actions and behaviors beyond that? 

Are people just allowed to say and demand anything they want of others and berate other people to no end? 

Why?  Why is it that our society does not want to believe that emotional and verbal abuse are just as damaging if not more so than physical harm? 

Why are there no laws protecting people from this?  The police will not come unless there has been physical harm. 

Why will society not open their eyes to this?  Why will they not admit that verbal and emotional abuse lead to physical abuse and then to murder even in a lot of cases? 

It seems to me that since the verbal and emotional aspect is really a matter of his word against hers issue that is the reason people turn a blind eye.  People don't know who to believe.  There is no "proof"  No physical hard evidence to show that any harm is being done. 

But it still confounds me that even when there is proof.  Video tapes of yelling and name calling and cursing.  Even when there are lists of 75 demands, none of which include childcare.  Even when these things are happening a lot of people still want to give the abuser the benefit of the doubt! 

I wonder how many of these men (or women) would straighten up overnight if the laws were changed to encompass verbal and emotional abuse as punishable by imprisonment? 

I wonder how many of these people would quit their demanding controlling abusive ways if there were security cameras in the home to "prove" the abuse? 

How long is it going to take?  Will it be better for my children?   

My advice to Kelly is not to rely on a broken legal system and an in the dark society.  Protect yourself and your children from verbal emotional and physical harm.  Teach them a more healthy way of being treated, treating others and living their lives.   

I'm sorry to say that to do that you will have to limit exposure to the abuser.  Which is in your case Grant. 

Please resolve your issues before you consider having kids at all. It won't get better if you don't change it now! Kids need their Mother to feel secure to feel secure themselves. They also learn from their parents how to treat people. Even if your husband only criticizes you and not his kids, it cuts the kids deeply! What is perfection? It is when your spouse looks forward to you coming home at the end of the day. I have been married almost 22 years and I still anticipate being with my husband. Perfection is when your children are loved and feel loved and secure. They know that home is their soft place to fall. They know that their family is their for them no matter what and will stand up for them against the world...even when they might be wrong! Perfection is when they make you pictures of hearts and rainbows and write happy stories in school about their family! Having a clean home is great but worrying whether it is so spotless that nothing else matters is ridiculous! Alphabetizing your pantry isn't a necessity! Make sure your husband understands all this before you consider having kids or you're in for an unhappy life of never being good enough and your children will suffer. 

Good luck. 

Hmmm...or my Mom and Dad who lived through them, my wonderful grandparents...Let's see, everyone on this message board that keeps referencing them...and of course, not to leave anyone out, YOU :)  

It's not hard to read or ask questions to find out about a decade.  For example, when my kids are born and old enough to have inquiring minds, they'll ask what 2006 was like and I'll explain that mostly men and women argued over who HAD to stay home with the kids, marriages failed left and right for reasons that could have so easily been avoided had someone taught just a little bit about why people actually get married in the first place, there were more fake body parts than real ones, women fought and fought for more rights, so much that the pendulum actually starting swinging the other way and qualified well-skilled men were out of jobs so that companies could meet their "women quota," McDonalds made skinny people fat and fat people fatter, the world was mostly greedy and selfish and would kill their Grandmother to make a couple of bucks, and last but certainly not least, children would start daycare at 3 months old and call their teacher "Mommy" at 2 and slowly start to wonder who these people were that picked them up at 7 every night and argued until it was time for bed, in the car the next morning, and while they were dropping the poor child off at his REAL Mommy's place... 

And my children will have my words and my words only to go by, but they will have a beautiful picture of what this decade was like and be glad that I was raising them like my parents were in the precious, but no always perfect, 1950's... 

Bree, 

Some people don't get it.  A lot of women think that even if they stay home, as long as they're "nice" to their husbands, they shouldn't have to lift a finger.  I think Kelly does all she can with 3 little ones running around, and is probably just totally overwhlemed, and having Grant "watching" over her doesn't help.  I think if Grant fine tuned his requests, Kelly would be much more willing to accomodate them.  But, in general, I think alot of women take advantage of staying home, and that's really too bad.  I agree with what you said in your post, and it's too bad the other poster doesn't get it. 

Diana 

This is primarily to Kelly. I hope you read the boards. After watching the show I had to find a way to tell you how much I related to your story. I felt the strangest feeling while watching the show. I was answering Dr. Phil's questions as if he was speaking directly to me. My experience so closely mimicks your own. It was bizarre on one hand, and on the other hand a relief to know that I'm not crazy. I have been married 12 years. I will tell you that my husband and I recently decided to separate because he can't shake the feeling of not being happy and needs to see if there is more to life than what we have. I was of course distraught at first, but have come to realize that this really is his problem (not that I profess to be perfect), much like this is Grant's problem not yours! In my situation, I tried so hard to be the perfect wife to the point that I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt like I was doing all the work to improve and he was just barking out the orders. I was willing to put forth that kind of effort because my relationship is worth it. It still is. But I came to a harsh realization that no matter how hard I try, it will always fall short of the mark. I want him to accept me the way I am, and until he can do that, no amount of work I put into this marriage will ever be enough. Honestly, I feel bad for people like Grant and my husband. It must be very aggravating to constantly go through life disappointed all the time. My husband has high expectations for just about anybody in his life. I think it has to do a lot with how he was raised, as his father had similar expectations for him - and he fell short too.  I tell you all this, because I hope you will read this and feel a sense that I truly know what you are going through. You are fortunate that Grant is willing to acknowledge his problem and put forth the effort to change. My husband hasn't come to that point yet. I believe he will; I just hope it will not be too late. Sadly, since we've decided to separate, a huge burden has been lifted from me and I find myself much more relaxed even though he does not move out until next month. And yet, I would keep giving it my full effort if he would say he was willing to do the same. I am hopeful that our separation will be a new beginning for us and not the end. By the way, I applaud you for maintaining your composure when the girl in the audience gave her perspective on the situation. You handled that with such class and dignity. It literally hurt my stomach to hear her speak. She just doesn't quite get it yet. I guarantee I have put more effort into this marriage than most people would be willing to do, and I expect you feel the same. I am curious if things have improved for you since the show. As I listened to Dr. Phil's advice, although I understood what he meant, I didn't feel like my husband would quite understand what he meant (although I am going to have him watch the show since I taped it). I would love to hear from you and talk to you more. It is always nice to have someone who understands what you are going through. I would allow the Dr. Phil folks to give you my email address if you would like to talk further. Meanwhile, keep taking the high road! I wish you two the very best .  

Is there a way to get ahold of Kelly?? I'm currently living a similar life & would love to be support. I know I've seen Grant on here, but kelly?? Where are you!!!!??? 

JEN. mom of 3 under 5.5  in Oregon. 

Grant & Kelly,  

This is the first time I've ever posted a message on the Dr. Phil website but I just felt compelled to do so.  First, I think it shows incredible courage for you both to go on a talk show and air such emotionally charged troubles.  Your situation seemed a little familiar to me because my brother is a "Double E" as well and his wife seems a lot like Kelly.  They have been married about 14 years and have 4 children.  In the early part of their marriage, they were both sad and depressed.  I know my brother thought he made a wrong choice and my sister in law felt betrayed by by that.  When they both started to talk about it, it was amazingly similar to what I saw in the two of you.   

They have gutted it out and are still together and it seems as though they are also pretty happy.  It took an extreme amount of energy from both of them to try to understand the other person and for my brother how to gently place his expectations within my sister-in-law's framework. 

Grant you are very intelligent  but that doesn't help you understand your wife's emotional needs.   I would just implore you to work very hard to understand them however illogical they seem.   If those needs aren't met, atleast in part, that is what I would worry about the most in terms of your family harmony.    Also, one last thing, when my brother's kids were little, he used to say a family with little kids is a family in crisis.  I have three kids myself and I think there is some truth to it.  Now that the last one of our kids is almost school aged, our household does run smoother and I accomplish a lot more....for what it is worth. 

Hey, I appreciate your comments. 

I'd like to know a little more about your scheduling, routines, etc... 

My interaction with Dr. Phil is under the scope of "Wife styles"; at least it is in my mind. 

Things like parenting and family goals and things are not directly tied to that. I haven't spoken to anyone on the staff about those things, nor have they approached me about them. I know they are important. Diana from Sanemommy had some really good suggestions about teaching the kids to help with laundry, just as an example, and attacking a project myself when Kelly was away for the day. I agree with your thinking about the kids' schedule falling into place around yours - not the other way. Trying to do it the other way would be like me scheduling my tasks for work around pushing "Play" for Baby Einstein. In all sincerity, Thanks. There are a number of people that I pay particular attention to on this board because they post good information.