Quote From: pjlm818It's taken me awhile to write about this episode, which has really stayed with me. (By the way, I do the Flylady cleaning system and I highly recommend it.) Here: being a good enough wife is not the problem.
The problem is that Kelly is allowing Grant to define her life.
She probably feels a little trapped because of the children. And because she's at home and he's bringing in the paycheck. But she's losing track - she gets to define what her role is in her own life. She's abdicated that role. Also, nothing she does will make Grant happy unless she's doing what makes her happy first.
I am an at-home mom (now unexpectedly widowed) with a solid group of at-home mom friends. These women worked before the children came along, all are well-educated, and all felt a little lost when they decided to take on the important job of being there for their children. And many of these husbands act like they own the marriage. They feel they are in charge of how the house should look (and these houses are like Kelly's: nice and generally neat), how the housework should be done, etc. And the women get trapped into allowing it because they are so out of their element - they no longer have the power of their own jobs, the routine of their own jobs. Children throw you totally out of any routine you ever thought you might have had.
My own husband did this to me (and admittedly, I am a slob). Yes, I wanted to solve the problem of my own disorganization, but he had a way of twisting the knife. If I had worked hard on the house, he would say - what about that area over there (pointing to clutter I hadn't yet gotten to). It was the only thing we argued about, and I felt lost about how to make him happy.
Finally it struck me: I'm LETTING HIM be in control of me. I had to take control. The way I did that was to admit, sadly, that I couldn't count on him to support me in my quest for an organized house. That was a major and emotionally hard step. I felt like a traitor to him, but I couldn't stand his criticism any more and if it meant distancing myself from him, well, I had to take this journey on my own.
I stopped looking for any comment from him. I stopped talking to him about my day to day activities (separate from the children - we still talked about them and had plenty to enjoy from them). I established my own routine and did it the best I could (a phrase Grant hates by the way, Kelly should call him on that). I also told him that he needed to do more of those small jobs around the house that take me ages: replacing light fixtures, installing the new door, etc. I mean, he had the skills to do those jobs quickly. It ended up being a "honey-do" list. He seemed glad to have it - he seemed surprised that there were tasks I expected him to do. I had never had the nerve to tell him was all.
One day - about a month later, I got a giant hug from him. He said the house looked better, he said he knew he hadn't been very nice to me about it, he said he was sorry and he knew I was trying. When I took charge I actually strengthened my marriage! I was so pleased.
I thought about all this because I saw the clip of Kelly showing Grant the new curtains. He criticized her! My husband did that with any of my small efforts to do what I thought he wanted. They were never good enough. Once I started defining what would be good enough, he was much happier.
So I urge Kelly: take control! You are in charge! If he's truly unhappy, well, you don't own that. You have to make sure you are doing the things that make you happy in this marriage. He'll respond to a more confident you, that's for sure. I mean, did he fall in love with a woman who was not self-confident? No! Get back that sense of confidence - I know it's hard in the face of his criticism, but do it and things will improve.
Very well said, and completely on-track. I learned a long time ago that I had to follow MY vision! I think that's what Kelly needs to do as well. Grant controls his own happiness, and Kelly can TAKE control of hers!
Dr. Phil revisits the topic of what makes a good wife. Grant and Kelly first appeared on the show because Grant expected his wife to live up to his demanding standards. He wanted a cleaner house, better meals and a sexier spouse. After seven years, his constant criticism and disappointment had her ready to throw in the towel on trying to become the "perfect wife." Dr. Phil’s first talk with Grant and Kelly caused quite a stir as thousands of viewers wrote in choosing sides. How are Grant and Kelly now? Has Grant abandoned his critical ways and his expectation of having a Stepford wife? And why is he no longer wearing his wedding ring? Talk about the show here.
