Topic : 02/22 Wedding Wars

My son married a lovely girl recently who he had known since high school  They are both well educated, and have good jobs.  The wedding, was the 'wedding of her dreams' I'm sure, and I had no real problem with that, it was a fairly large wedding, since they had 14 attendants.  However, when parents are 'asked' to give a guest list, is it 'politically  correct' for the bride/groom to decide who to invite from that list?    Shouldn't it be discussed with the parents before they decide who to invite/not invite?   Worse still, is that they were not even going to tell us!   We have a small family, compared to the bride's family, so some of the names on the list were 'extended family'  and friends (who supported him on birthdays, graduations, etc.) that my son probably had not seen on a regular basis.   I would have much rather been told, "Mom & Dad, you can invite XX # of  people, that is all", rather then have them invite two of my husband's cousins, and not invite the four others.  It doesn't take long for word to spread about who was NOT invited to the wedding!    When it came time for her shower, I wasn't even asked who to invite, my mother and sisters weren't even invited!  Weddings cost a fortune these days, her parents were not wealthy people, and we 'offered' to help out, but were never asked, guess that made exluding us, much easier for them.   We hosted a very nice rehearsal dinner, and I included them in every step of the planning.  The original total number was 45-50 people.  The rehearsal dinner was a problem when I included two people (who were guests in my home for the week-end, one a family member) and his uncle and aunt who were preforming a 'free service' for them at the reception.  A week before the dinner, they came over and really made 'nusisances' out of themselves about the 4 people that were invited.  They were not on THEIR 'rehearsal dinner guest list', so therefore I had no right to invite anyone else.   WE (my husband and I) had decided to include his uncle and aunt anyway, it was the 'right' thing to do).    From the original list, 4 members of 'our family' could not attend, so I saw absolutely nothing wrong with including the other '2 extras' at the dinner, especially since we were footing the nearly $3,000 expense.  They only knew about the extras because 'I' shared the table arrangements with them, a decision that I have regretted!   They came up with an alternate seating arrangement that had them seated at another table.  My answer to that, was 'that if they could not sit with us' since we were hosting the party, then I would not attend.  Reluctantly, they sat at our table, but I had to move my sister and best friend to another table to appease them.   My husband, even considered backing out as his Best Man.  A day before the wedding, my husband was informed that the bride said the 'groom's family pays for the minster's fee'.  I would agree that would probably be usual, if the groom lived in the parent's home, however, my son owned his home, (in which she had been living for awhile) and I would feel it would be 'HIS' responsibility to pay for this.  However, to 'keep peace' my husband gave him the money.   

Our son was treated beyond 'well' while growing up, not only financially, but with our time and love as well.   We probably did a little too much in the generosity department toward him.  His college was paid for, and he was given money upon graduation for a new automobile,  lived with us for over a year (rent free!) so he could have a 'good start'.  He decided to make it with the old car, and used the money to make a down payment on a house.    

He has seen me as an 'over protective mom', (this came up a couple months before he proposed) although my friends and family would totally disagree with that.  He always gave me very sentimental cards, now I get one that he could give the next door neighbor.  At one time, before they became engaged, I was told I 'called too often', consequently, I never call now.  One time, Dr. Phil said 'the only thing children owe their parents is to be the best they can be, and keep in touch'. (Think I almost have that word for word).   

I am very proud of my son, he is a man that any woman would be proud to have as a husband (her mother even made this statement one time in front of me).  Shouldn't a son, who had a very close relationship with 'both parents'  and his bride make an effort to call or visit once in awhile?  In the months since they have married, we were invited for Thanksgiving, but had already made plans with my husband's brother, (they were unable to handle 2 more for Thanksgiving) and I didn't feel like I could cancel our plans. He didn't have time 'Christmas day' to visit us (they have been going to her mother's family for years on Christmas afternoon) , and exchanged Christmas gifts with us only after I called and asked when it was convenient for them (it was after New Year's).     Since that day, I've seen him twice! 

Hate that this ended up being so lengthy, but it was a good time to get it off my chest.  I know how much Robin loves her two sons, and that she has also 'experienced empty nest' recently, but I hope you never have to endure what I've been through with their wedding.  I can honetly say, that no one I know was ever treated by their son, or daughter, the way we were treated.  I loved my MIL so much and did everything to make sure that we, and especially my husband kept in touch with her when we married and moved away.  I had always hoped that I could be just as good a MIL to my daughter-in-law as she was to me.  I doubt that will ever be possible.  The old saying is so true, 'A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife'.      

   

We are suppose to take a LESSON from your daughters father in law????????? 

  

I think you are sorely confused.  This isn't an inlaw who lets his son and daughter in law live their own lives. From what you have said in your post, it sounds like he is IGNORING her with MALICE! 

  

Letting your kid and his spouse live thier own lives is good.  Ignoring the kids spouse, not showing up for their graduation, when they jump through hoops to get some kind of recognition from them is not! 

  

It's called being passive agressive!  If you don't want a fight, I guess it is better to be ignored by your in laws.  BUT DON'T MISTAKE IT FOR A HEALTHY REALTIONSHIP FOR PETE' SAKE! 

I can see where you are coming from. But all in all, I would have to say, sorry it's 2006. 

  

  

You should be proud to raise your daughters in a time when not only can they have their wedding the way they want, but they can be doctors, lawyers, even president of this country. 

  

These times have bore independent women who know what they want. And thats a GOOD thing! 

  

Why not ask your daughters if you can help them out. Go out to lunch with them and discuss plans and share dreams. Feel the excitment you wished you had through them. 

  

You might also want to try looking up some of the various wedding website through google.  Most of them have message boards with young brides to be just looking for advice. Or you also might want to get a job as a wedding coordinator. 

I would just like to tell Rachel and Jeanne to work things out and soon.  My mother and I had a very similar relationship and this really touched my heart.   When Dr. Phil talked about the way Jeanne brags about Rachel to everyone, my jaw almost dropped.  I can remember when I was a teen and young adult trying to get my mother's approval and feeling as though I came up short every time.  Once, I was at a friend's house, who's mother happened to be my mom's best friend and she heard us talking and came in.  She sat down on the bed and told me how my mom always bragged about me and how she sung my praises to everyone.  You could have pushed me over with a feather.  After that I tried to talk to my mother about it, but she just brushed it off.  She was not exactly the most affectionate person in the world.  But I decided to just keep doing what I was doing and making the choices I thought were best for me.  When I was 23, I left my abusive husband and moved in with my parents.   Soon there after, my aunts came down to my parents for vacation and we decided to go line dancing.  I have struggled with my weight for most of my life, in fact this is one of the big issues my mother and I had.  I think I blew her away out there dancing, not that I am really good, but I was able to hang in there.  When we went home, we were all sitting in the kitchen and talking.  My mom turned to me and said, "I know I was hard on you and spent all of your childhood and teen years wanting you to be something you weren't and I am sorry because I wish I had just told you how proud I was of you.  You were actually more than anything I wanted you to be but I couldn't see it.  Needless to say that was a wonderful moment in our relationship and we got closer after that but the scars of years of feeling unworthy were still there and we never took the steps to fix that.  When I was 25 my mother, who was only 54, suffered from a massive stroke and although she made it through, she isn't the same and has trouble even carrying on a conversation.  I now wish I had taken the steps to make things better when the opportunity presented itself instead of just coasting on.  I hope the two of you can take the steps to mend your relationship.

While I don't like bridezilla behavior, I will say this.... 

  

A couple of days ago I was trying to have a nice friendly conversation with my parents when they interrupted me because, of all things. clips of their favorite show Dancing With The Stars.  It wasn't even the show itself. They had already seen this weeks episode. It was little clips shown on some entertainment report show.!   

  

They did not apologize for interupting me. I proceeded to get comfort from a STRANGER in an online chat room who I had previously helped when his friend was dying.  My parents think i spend too much time on the internet! 

  

This is why I can't wait for my wedding. I WON'T be wearing a tiara. I WON'T be in a horse drawn carriage. 

  

But for ONCE in my life my cousin who I've known all my life but started ignoring me for some unexplained reason when I was 27, and the cousin who almost left me out of her wedding even though my dad was walking her down the aisle, and my neighbors son in law who gives me dirty looks for some reason I don't know about, and YES, my parents will all have to sit there with fake smiles on THEIR faces while I have my day. Whether I invite or send them an announcement. 

  

It SHOULDN'T take a 20,50,or 70 thousand dollar wedding to make someone feel important and wanted.  I do it everyday for others and get only a fraction in return.  But such is life.   

Hey, if you've been reading these message boards, you should really, really think about this before you walk down the aisle with him. I most certainly have to agree with the rest of the users here that your life will be miserable if you marry this man, because of his Mother. She won't change, ever! She will always try to continue to manipulate & brainwash your fiance that you're not good enough for him. You should definitely leave him. But, if you DO decide to marry him, at least you & Steve move very, very far away from Pat. Because if you don't, your relationship with him will be in grave danger, especially when you two have children! So, please, definitely think this through. Let us know how it goes!

 Turn the tables.. what if your child had major mental health issues and couldn't work or get proper care.. would you want his/her spouse to leave him? 

My husband & I have been married for 12 years.  I don't think that I have ever known a family that is  so manipulative in my life, as his.  I love my husband, but it has been a hard 12 years.  I think that I would have given our getting married a little more consideration had I known how bad things were.  I'm sure that my in-laws think that I am the reason why my husband never calls them.  After years of them putting him down, calling him overweight and repeatedly telling him that he will never be successful, he has decided on his own to limit his time with them.  I'm sure in their minds they are sitting back and blaming me, especially since they think he married beneath him, even though I was raised in an upper middle class family.  My husband and I now own a successful CPA practice, despite what they think of him.   

  

My husband and I could not have children and my mother-in-law told people that we "really" let her down.  I'm almost thankful that we didn't, just because I would have had to have more interaction with them.   Every year at her birthday, which is exactly one week before mine, she never mentions my birthday.  We always celebrate hers and when we get ready to leave, she hands me my presents at the door and says have a good birthday.  My husband's birthday is 2-3 weeks later, and we get together again to celebrate his (with still no mention of mine).  My husband's brother got re-married 2 years ago, and his new wife's birthday is 12 days after mine.  The next year, my mother-in-law wanted to have a big joint birthday celebration for everyone's birthday, after 9 years of me being an outsider, it really hurt my feelings.  

  

I could go on for days with stories of them, but life is to short.  I encourage my husband to see them, because that is his family.  I just hope Kim will think long and hard about her upcoming marriage, trust me it will be a hard life.    

Which every "monster-in-law" misses is... 

  

IT'S NOT YOUR DECISION; you raised your child, hopefully with the ability to make good decisions of his or her own, that's it, game over, NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX... 

  

However right or wrong you think your child's choice is, it's your child's choice... 

  

However appropriate or inappropriate you consider your child's mate, it's your child's mate... 

  

Your only "job" now is to trust the judgement of person you helped form and gracefully accept the person he or she chooses to go through life with, just as you'd accept a friend or neighbor's mate. 

  

Unless and until these people can get it through their heads that there IS no justification for interfering with an adult child's personal life, they'll always find a "moral reason" to do so... 

You know, I watched this show, and I think Dr. phil is most often correct in diagnosing the issues of the people that come on his show...but on this mater I have to agree with a few of his opinions.    

  

I think a lot of Pat's issues had to do with the spiritual and moral implications of Steve's choice to marry Kim.  It seems to me like Steve was raised in a home that taught him a Christian value system and belief structure, and when he met Kim, she influenced him somewhat, to move away from that.  I'm not saying I think Kim is a totally bad person, but perhaps she just doesn't have the same devout beliefs that Pat raised Steve to have.  I think perhaps Pat is more frustrated by this than by his choice to get married, and the "leave the nest" syndrome.   

  

I think Pat's frustration lies with the idea that Kim has caused Steve to take a look at his belief system and decide that perhaps this system is not the best one for him, based on his love for Kim, and no other reason.  I think maybe she feels like Steve has compromised his morals and beliefs for the sake of a woman.  This is why Kim may feel judgement from Pat.  I don't think Pat hates Kim or feels she is a bad person...but maybe she feels that Kim has led her son astray.   

  

It is a widely accepted Christian belief that it is a sin for two people to live together, so Pat would have been happy to know that Steve was marrying Kim, just so that he would not be living in sin anymore.  But over the course of time, as she has seen Steve move farther away from his faith, and church life, she has become disappointed with Kim because of it.  Every Christian mom wants to see her child continue in the faith traditions he/she has been raised with.   

  

For a Christian, the implications of this reach farther that this life.  If a Christian rejects the teachings of Jesus Christ, and salvation, then the worry would be that he would not go to heaven when he dies.  I think perhaps Pat is worried that his choices now, will affect him right into the afterlife. 

  

Regardless, no matter how diffiult this is to accept...Steve is a grown man, and he has to be allowed to be that man and make his own decisions.  It is a gut wrenching thing for a mom to see her son make the choice to be "unequally yoked" in marriage, because it is often the cause of a lot of heartache.  But it IS his decision.  My best suggestion to Pat is, as a Christian mother, pray for your son...pray for his marriage, pray for Kim in particular...that she will come to know the Lord, and that as a couple they will serve the Lord.  In praying for Kim, ask the Lord to give to you His love for her.  Do your best to love her regardless of her religious leanings.  It is very difficult to do this, but it is love that will draw them, and nothing else.   

  

No offense to Dr. Phil, but I think he should have looked a little closer at the faith based issues Pat was having, instead of so quickly diagnosing the problem as "empty nest" syndrome, and making her look like the bad guy.  Of course I admit that I don't have all the information, and I know that Pat has not handled this situation as well as she should have, nor, I am sure, have Steve and Kim...problems usually happen between parties of two or more. 

  

Anyway, I just wanted to give my two cents into the situation as I see it.