Topic : 02/23 Exes From Hell

Bad as it is to admit, there's plenty of women in this sort of situation.  Being there myself, I understand and I believe you desperately want out.  Going public on the show is probably your personal shock therapy to break the cycle. 

  

I've known a divorced guy for four years now.  He's not only cycled in and out with his ex-wife, he's done the same with me and another woman.  He started our friendship simply as companions, which was fine with me.  Then I took notice of his charm, wit and looks.  I was coming out of the grief fog of widowhood. 

  

I've talked with his ex once or twice and I can hear the desperation in her voice, too.  To escape his mixed signals, his lies by omission, his manipulation and control, albeit, covertly.  I had little experience with men.  I was married 25 years.  Getting back out there was like being a teenager all over again.  And after all my pain, why I HAD to fall for this kind of man, I don't know.  But lessons learned, for sure. 

  

Well, Tracie, just remind yourself as I do -- we have choices.   Yes, it's an addiction.  Something within makes us stick to it.  My fella never, ever said he loved me, let alone wanting anything serious.  I am truly grateful he hasn't twisted things THAT badly.  I can only imagine the heartache from that scenario. 

  

Tracie -- Dan has some serious issues.  You're not the fixer, the mommy, or the one to save him.  Please stop beating yourself up.  We all make mistakes.  Your mistake has hurt you, but you can choose another direction.  Be strong and good luck. 

  

  

About 10 years ago... I was in a similar position. My ex was extremely abusive.... even tried to kill me and the kids.. his own biological children. He broke into the house... unplugged the fridge so the food would spoil. Damaged everything he could think of... took everything he wanted. All while he had a protection from abuse order against him..... Even took the mailbox!  He put sugar in the gas tank of my car, slahed my tires and later came back and cut the brake lines ( I ended up in the hospital for a week)   

While he was in jail for non support....(they were unable to prove the rest)... his lawyer contacted me.... If I would drop all the charges he would sign the divorce papers and have his parental rights terminated so that he wouldnt have to pay support.... (the kids were afraid of him and got physically sick when they were court ordered to see him) I had a choice to make....... what was more important?  

1. Having him owe me money that he would never pay?
2. Or the kids to be safe.... happy... I chose the kids.........hands down!  They are now very happy... healthy... doing very well in school ... and on thier way to college soon... As long as we can come up with a way to pay for it. 

letting him out free and clear.....that was the best $200,000 I ever spent... or rather that I NEVER GOT!    Even though it would come in handy now ... with college around the corner. My kids mental health is worth so much more!!  

Even if they never make it to college....they will still be better off!! 

 

As a christian I dont beleive in divorce...but sometimes it is the only thing to do.  

 

"I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHICH STRENGTHENS ME"
Which also includes living through the toughest and most painful part of your life....  

which you would think ...would of been being abused by my ex... or going through a nasty divorce..or how to feed the kids with no money coming in.....but no the hardest part for me..... Was being excommunicated from church because I remarried after divorcing an abusive man who  admittedly was never faithful to me........... and losing all but one friend.  But I learned something very valuable............. 

 

• I only had one true friend
• you are never alone! God is always there to pick up the peices.
• You dont have to be a member of a church on earth,,,,, to be a member of GODS church!!

If a man is abusive ........ you are better off without anything from him.... time or money! 

 

And no it wasnt an easy thing to do.........walking away with nothing but a mortgage, a ton of bills and my wonderful kids.  Just rest in the fatih that God wont let you down.  

 

 

One thing many people don't understand unless they've been in that position is that restraining orders often aren't worth the paper they're written on. 

  

My ex had no trouble getting a new key made, and because he still had documents showing this as his address, the locksmith told me that he would be able to get back in any time he wanted, in about 15 minutes, no matter how often I had the locks changed.  He had a day off during the week, and every week, I would come home from work on that day and find that someone had been in the house.  Since it wasn't BREAKING and entering, and nothing of value was stolen, the cops wouldn't come out to take fingerprints.  Without fingerprints or eyewitnesses proving that the "someone" who was in the house was him, the judge had no proof that it was him, and couldn't throw him in jail. 

  

He just laughed at the restraining order, because he knew the cops would never do anything unless and until he caused me some physical injury.  He was spying on me so he would know who I was dating and when a new man moved in with me. 

  

I regularly woke up to find the front door unlocked.  The police refused to check for fingerprints, telling me that I "just forgot" to lock the door.  One winter morning, the front door was not only unlocked, but standing wide open -- now, I KNOW I didn't leave it open when the weather was freezing, but the cops still refused to check for fingerprints because they were sure that it was that way when I went to bed.   How dumb do I look? 

  

Last summer, I had friends staying with me, and they made some comment that I was obsessive about checking that the front door was locked every time I walked past it.  The very next morning, the door was unlocked when we got up.  Even with her saying that she'd watched me check it three or four times during the evening and was sure that door was locked at bedtime, the cops were still refusing to check for fingerprints because they were sure I'd left it unlocked, or that one of us "forgot" that we went out (in our pajamas?!) after the last time they'd seen me check it.   

  

How many women, worried about a psycho ex coming in, would "forget" to lock the door several times a month?  

  

Finally, his driver's license with this address on it expired, and I could change the locks without him being able to get a new key, but it was a long, stressful 4 years.   And that didn't stop the vandalism, the harassing phone calls, the drive-by spying.... 

  

There's something called the Hare psychopath scale.  My ex definitely scores high enough to be a psychopath/sociopath.  His goal is revenge, and no restraining order is going to stop him.  Unless and until the cops actually slap him in jail, he's just going to keep harassing me.  

  

THAT is how much good a restraining order does when you're dealing with a wacko. 

There can be a positive life after divorce for all parties affected.  Almost 10 years ago, after my husband and I decided to divorce, we continued to attend counseling to discuss with a professional how to help our 3 yr old son through the process.  We considered this a small gesture compared to how this would change our son's life. 

  

We made a promise to each other we would do our best to support each other, show kindness and respect.  Despite the problems in our marriage, we had always parented in the same way.  We did not use our son as a bargaining tool if there was a disagreement. 

  

My former husband has always found a way to pay his child support (even when he was without work for 3-6 months) - it was his priority.  In turn, I use that child support for my son specifically. We have b-day parties together; sit together (he, his wife, step-children, my parents, my boyfriend and family) at school functions.  Christmas time - we compare notes to make sure our son doesn't receive duplicate gifts. 

  

I've always felt so sorry for other children of divorced parents, after performing at a school concert, etc, trying to decide which end of the auditorium to go to first, thinking they would disappoint one parent or the other.  We attend parent/teacher conferences together.  My son spends part of each week with his father.  If there's a need for discipline, we decide together what the punishment will be, and it is enforced in each home.  Medical needs, study habits - everything is a joint effort. 

  

Not one time has my son heard his parents yelling, using profanity, calling each other names, etc. 

  

It's difficult enough for children to see their parents split, necessitating them sharing their time/clothes/toys, etc. between two homes.   

  

They didn't ask for the divorce - they should not be used as weapons.  Divorce does not have to create several victims. 

  

My former husband's wife and I get along well.  She leaves the parenting to us, but serves as support and a wonderful friend to our son.  Does she parent exactly like I would?  No.  But, she loves him so much, and my son loves her.  When my son is with his father, I'm thrilled that he looks forward to being there, as opposed to dreading the visit or spending time with the rest of his family. 

  

Ten years later, our teen-age son is happy, confident, does well in school (but doesn't like math) loves both of his parents, and step-mother, step-siblings, etc.  We are a family. 

  

  

If you're going to sleep with, vacation with & pretend to be married to your stalker, then don't tie up the legal system with your neuroses.  We need the legal system & the public to take restraining orders seriously & Tracie isn't helping matters. 

I guess you didn't want the advice to stop stalking & get a life.  But given that stalking pays off for you, who can blame you?   

  

As you said, you have an emptiness inside you & only Tracie fills it.  That is ADDICTION, not love. 

I could see how Ted was seething with vindictive anger, coldness & lies.  So typical of an abuser.  I totally believe you that you were shoved down the steps as opposed to "accidentally" falling down the steps.  Looks like Ted got away with assault & battery.  I wouldn't be surprised if some of his low income is his passive-aggressive getting back at you for calling his boss.  You've got to totally detach from him as much as possible, having only the miminal contact as necessary for child raising.  Arguing is NOT going to work, so I suggest you stop wasting your time trying to get Ted to see things your way.  I suggest concentrating on your children, your personal healing from emotional/verbal & physical abuse, & getting your career/financial situation in order. 

I hope you were watching the same show as I was. Cause I heard she was dateing other men. 

so I think its more then two .I also think they are playing russian rulett!!!!!! 

These two are enough to drive anyone crazy!. She wants to have the goodies(trips etc) and LOVES the attention! This is utterly sickening! It puts the other people who are in a horrible situation look bad.Those two need to stop the game playing, grow up and get a life!!!!

years ago, an ex-boyfriend did crazy stuff like that to me.  He had refused to return a key I'd given him.  Since I lived in a rental home, the owner didn't want the locks changed.  So, I put several pieces of tape across the door before I went to bed.  If the tape was disturbed the next morning, I knew he'd been in the house.  Fortunately, it only happened once.  A police officer stopped by his employment and had a discussion with him.  He denied everythingm but it didn't happen again. 

  

Also, putting a piece of furniture (or something that would make noise if moved) in front of the door before bed would be an option.  At least you would know he's in the home. 

  

Motion-sensored lights are great also. 

  

I'm sorry for the years of fear you've lived in.  I've always thought how cowardly it is for men to prey on women.  If they want to feel macho, they should pick out some big strong man to pick on.