Topic : 07/05 Liar, Liar

 Hi:  Been  there I  was writing  all of  the  checks to  pay  all of  our bills  with my  money  that I  was making.  He was making  3 times  what I w as making and was stealing my  money  by  ilegally  using my  debit  card.  When I  found out  I  went to the police!  of course they  took  a report but  did nothing!  He has nothing to  show for all of the  money he has made  I never  saw  new things going in the house.  He always has huge  wads  of  cash in his pocket .  When he  pays  a bill he  says he  paid  it with  a money order and later  I  always got  calls  from  our creditiors that they never  recieved payment!  So I confornt  him  and  it's the  same story  all over  again.  I  paid it I  swear  I did Where  is  the  reciept  for the money  order? Well it must be  in my  desk  at  work. Never found of course. What bothers me the most  is that He dosnt show up with new clothes  or anything that  I can  find. I  have followed his stepos  on the  computer I have  found nothing. Where  is  he spending  all of  this money?  I have given  up on him  ever being truthful or  responsible.  We have been  to  counselors. He  is  hostile towards  me. He is  verbally  abusive.  I  am  already depressed How are you dealing  wiht  your  husbands lies?  MY  credit is ruined  and  he could  care  less!  It's one of  those  Where do you go from here?

Paloma I totally agree with you! I read about that before. They stay in their guilt stage and to make them feel better they stay in their guilt stage by telling themselves lies and BELIEVING them! Not only do they believe them they have this way of convincing others to believe them! 

 

So now that I acknowlege this, I no longer dwell on the things my brother says to get people pissed at me. I just shrug my shoulders and say they can believe him or not, that's their decision but I am not wasting my time trying to get them to believe me. Life is too short to sit there and groan about who believes him over me! The family should all know by now that he is the one with the problem and if I say that he is lying, not to question me about it... It is a pathetic and childish thing to do. My brother's way of being sorry for raping me as a child, by lying to me, isn't going to cut it no longer... I put up with it in the past and pretended to be "over it" but now that I'm 18, I know better and am stepping up and will not tolerate it. 

 

For example, my sister in law has recently emailed me & her goal was to get me pissed at my brother for calling my mom and convincing her that I sent "mean emails" to my sister in law, when I didn't... My mom did question me but I said No, I didn't... and called him a liar and left it at that. I know what my brother is at and since I was just a little girl he's been wanting me to get in trouble and get people mad at me, and he knew his method worked. But instead of dwelling on it, I simply sent her back an email that said "I really could care less what he thinks and says about me. I know it's him, not me and I hate him too, so he can get people to believe what he wants... he has no reason to do this to me or to hate me, and I have very good reason with my method."  

 

So, I'm hoping with this attitude that I have now towards all this, changes something. I know it won't change my brother, but atleast I'm learning from all this and know what to do if I come in contact with another liar. 

"If he really loved you he would do all he could to make it better." 

  

The biggest problem is he doesn't really seem to understand or care the impact.  He thinks marriage counseling will somehow give him empathy and teach him the "right thing" - but what I really think is that he believes I am completely overreacting and as he is so fond of doing, provng that I am wrong to care that I am being lied to. 

  

Good luck with your retraining and new job!  I will keep you on my prayer list.

 I lost my  Father 4 years a go!  Before he  was hospitilized I  was his  healthcare power of  attorney. sometime  while in  the hospital my  Mom  had it  changed, Dont  ask me  how.  My Father and I were like 2 peas in a pod and had been  since  I w as born. My  parents had  been  married  for 54 years at the  time  of my  Fathers death. I have an  Associates degree in Emergency medcal  Science.  Dad had a  AMI and  later had  a CVA.  He was doing well enough  that  he  had  been  moved  out of  the  unit and  to a  regular floor.  He contracted  Staff. And it settled in his lungs. So it  was back to ICU  and thats  when i found out  that I  wasnt  his HCPOA  anymore. My  mom nad my  sister actually  went to  the  Patient Right Actavist  people  and tried  to  make them take  him off of the Vent. The hospital Attorney told my  Mom  to her face that  waht  they  were suggesting  that they  do  was called murder.  I  was beside myself   when  they  did  pull the tube he passed  about 18  hours later.  I to this  day  cant forgive my family. I had made plans with  several of  my  friends to  steal  my Dad from  the hospital and have him  admitted  somewhere else.  I  feel that I  am responsible in some way  in his death.  I  had a  nervous breakdown lost my  business and everything,  because  of  this.  My  Dad  was  the one  person in the world that knew  me better than  anyone and  I had the kind  of  relationship  with  him that I  knew what  he  was thinking  and  he  knew  what I was  thinking. How  many times in a life time do you get that?  My life will never be right again.  I  can honestly tell you  that  it will get better with time. I am  able to  function now  on a daily  basis. I  would suggest  that you seek professional counseelingg ,  that's what it took  for me to be  able to  remember to  comb my hair after I woke up!

Why is Ellen paying for her son's apartment and phone, and not using that money to help her poor daughter pay off the debt this MAN left his sister with?  This poor girl continues to have a difficult time and her mother continues to perpetuate her son's behavior!  Help the victim mom!

Bascially, my husband lies. All the time. Little lies or rather "omissions of truth" are they the same? I think so. 

  

Anyway, I have trust issues to begin with and threw myself into this relationship wih both feet. He has NEVER given up himself to me as far as trusting me goes. I never know where I stand, I never know where HE stands and when I ask outright, he just avoids the questions.  

  

The half truths and omissions have broken me down and now I don't trust him at all. Even when I have told him "you cannot lie to me, I can't take another person lying to me" he lies. WTF? 

  

I finally figured it out though. It's because he doesn't want to answer for what he has done wrong. He doesn't want to DEAL with me. In all honesty, he doesn't DEAL with a lot from me. I'm as far from a nagging bitch wife as you can get, but when someone lies to me, they have to deal with my wrath. That's the only thing I ask. He has never had to deal with anything more than everything he deserved for the situation.  

  

So rather than telling me the truth about money he's spent, people (women) he's been talking to or how many drinks or cigarettes he's had while he was supposed to be "working", he just doesn't tell me. The thing is, he thinks I'm an idiot and I'm far from it. I notice all the little hints, like the gum he chews to hide his cigarette breath or the need to take a nap immediately upon returning home before the last shot he had at the bar hits him and he starts to slur his words. I also manage the money so I always know how much is coming in and how much I need to pay bills. I rather quickly notice when there is say a $1000 descrepancy. And he wonders why I get pissed at him.  

  

People who lie are chicken shits. They just don't want to be accountable for their bad behavior. Period.  

Well said......"The half truths and lies have broken me down. ....People who lie are chicken sh*ts.  They just don't want to be accountable for their bad behavior.  Period."  I couldn't have said it better myself. 

  

And I, like you, am NOT a b*tch when told the truth - but when someone lies to me, they have to deal with my wrath, too.   

  

I feel your pain. 

I'm a 23 year-old man, and I know what it's like to be lied to. When I was back in high school, I had a friend that I known in the neighborhood for 5-6 years. But then came a time for that. I've never, ever had a real relationship before, but this is kind of different. When the time came for my senior prom, I asked her out. Her response was, "No, I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend." Come to find out later, she didn't really have a boyfriend at all! Then before you know it, I found out that she had taken someone else out to the prom! Can you believe that? I was broken hearted when I found that out. But luckily, my mother knew a friend who would take me out. I then had a pretty good time. But I still managed to keep in touch with my friend now, and she now has about 3 kids. I have none, but at least I'm waiting for the right person to commit a relationship to(I'm waiting to get married before having kids). Hopefully, you can see it from my experience. No matter how many times people managed to hurt you, you must learn to forgive.

to forgive, quite another to trust. 

  

Do I forgive my husband for his weakness? Of course I do. It doesn't help me to trust him any more. The only thing that will help that is complete and total honesty at all times about all things.