Quote From: drphilfannancyRaising four children, just being a parent, especially as the economy is, while meeting the demands of daily living,
is stressful. Then, being confronted with your child's behavior which includes dishonesty (e.g., the taking your unused butts), and unsafe behavior, can be very challenging.
I have raised my son, Elijah, aged 17 years, by myself. He is an awesome kid, a wonderful student, is caring and very considerate of others. I have been raising siblings, sisters, ages 12, 8, and now 4, since the oldest was 9. I recently became their Legal Guardian this last August 2008, as I petitioned to the courts and their biological mother voluntarily waived her parental rights for me to become their guardian.
Anyways, dealing with the behaviors, including concerning, of both the 12 and 8 year is, at times, a constant, and can be very stressful. So, I feel that I can somewhat relate to your situation; and do fully validate your stress.
Similar to Dr. Phil, I am honest and very upfront with my opinions. So, here it goes: #1: I believe that we, as parents, need to identify "what the issue(s) is/r" that are children are presenting us with. As I see it, the most concerning behavior is the smoking, as it is soo unsafe, in that it can lead to early death, and is soo damn addictive. #2: The taking "behind your backs": this may have provoked anger, as I think might be the typical initial reaction from anyone when they learn of someone violating their space and taking something from them. However, I personally don't consider this as big of a concern and the first, as you and your husband have obviously instilled the moral virtue of honesty, as she was aware of her taking has having been inappropriate. She aknowledged her behavior and confessed the truth. This is very good, reflective of both her as a young person, and you both as parents.
So, how do you deal with the fact that your daughter is smoking---at 14!! Well, I think, that the 2nd thing that a parent needs to do, while assessing the situation and applying an appropriate consequence, is to examine their own behaviors. From what I have understood, you smoke. You have modelled this inappropriate (Who cares if it is legal? ...It is inappropriate for any person to smoke, as it is an unhealthy choice with serious implications) behavior to your children. And, if you and I were to research the average age at which smokers began smoking and or experimenting with it began, I bet that we would not be surprised if our discovery revealed at or around the age of 14.
With this said, your daugher's behavior is not in direct violation with what you and your husband have directly or indirectly taught her. I think that you each need to acknowledge your own behavior and see how your smoking has negatively influenced your daughter. Then, I think that you each owe an apology to not only your 14 year old, but to your other children, as you have modelled unhealhy behavior in front of them, probably for a large, if not all, part of their lives. Thirdly, I think that you need to make concerted efforts to quit. And, don't give up unitl you've quit. You can do it, and you and your children, will be sooo proud of you for doing so.
You need to understand how serious of a smoker your daugher is and talk to her about it: You need to communicate to her your wrong doing in modeling this for her, before you even think about what appropriate consequence should be given.
Bottom line is: you both do not want her to smoke and felt afraid and very concerned when you learned of her behavior, right? Do you need to "punish" her in order to teach her the unhealthiness of this choice. I most certainly do not think so.
As I have told my now 12-year old, of whom I am her legal guardian, when I learned that she had been smoking during a previous stay at our house (she too was "sneaky"--I don't smoke), I was flat out honest with her: "That's gross, Whisper. If you care about your beauty as much as you appear to, then that is one sure way to affect any beauty that you have now, later on in life." Besides that it stinks. And, what a waste of money. A regular habit of smoking, even one that starts out with just a few throughout a day, can cost a person $54.00 a week, as is the cost of cigarettes in Billings, Mt. $54.00 a week on "puff"??????? That's ridiculous! For what? To maintain a sense of calm once a person has become addicted and feels that they can not adequately function without it? Not worth it! Not worth it! $54.00 a week is how much a month?
$216.00 a month!! That is $216.00 a month that could be spent on clothes, or going shopping with a friend, or roller-skating....., and, after these leisurable activities, sticking some in a bank for a college fund." This is about what I told my now 12-year old. "Futhermore, I said, I think that that is sooo stupid to smoke, if you are not addicted now. To even start, with the knowledge of its risk factors, including highly addictive qualities, is sooooo stupid, in my opinion. Does it mean that the person is stupid? No, I don't think so; does it mean that to do so and continue to do so is stupid? I think so. Very stupid.
So, this is what and how I would approach this situation. The natural consequences is what she may have done to herself: Starting an unhealthy, expensive addiction. The other natural consequence seem to be the disappointment that her behavior provoked in her parents, along with a degree of mistrust by her parents for her not being able to utilize good judgement when making decisions for herself.
So, what would be the logical consequences: 1) Less "free/unsupervised" time. 2) If money/allownance is given: Much more monitoring of how she spends it; and 3) Parental insistance of running or swimming or cycling: this will not only offer great benefits, but it will also deter her desire to want to smoke; 4) Insistance on her interviewing health professionals the ramifications of smoking; 5) Insistance that she research the subject herself.
What do you think? Does this make sense. Personally, I model good health. My 12-year old knows how yong and beautiful both my mom and step-mom look, as a result of never smoking and a life-long journey of regular exercise.
I am 41 years old. My lifestyle, beliefs and appearance can bare great witness to my not smoking, and Whisper and other children, can learn much more from that than if I merely consequenced them for doing what I already do (i.e., if I were to smoke).
What do you think? I'd like to hear your response and would like your daughter to read this. What does she think? Please feel free to let me know the outcome. I will be interested (smile). Thanks, Nancy
G'day,
You know that as parants people are going to come here and give you their opion of what is right for your children based on what you have asked for help in but i just wanted to come on here and say to you , You are the mother of these children regardless to weather you smoke or not , your instinks in yourself should tell you what to do as a parant, You know wrong from right and so dose your child at this age, Sit down And really think about your children and what you want to acheave because like i said alot of people have alot of opions and not all of them may work for you also alot of eople that do not have your problems or have not lived through the simular problems will not fully comprhend what you are trying to do or what you are going through, your instinks (common sence) will tell you the right things to do that will work for you and your child but keep in mind most kids are to scared to talk to their parants these days because of the reaction we give them after they tell us the trueth. i hope this helps i know not alot of people will agree with this but thats again is opions and to many of us give opions rather then sit down lissen , think then help
