Topic : Good Parenting

Okay, I need help here... 

  

I am a daycare provider who has a parent/child issue that I need help addressing with the parent.   

  

The problem that I am having is this: 

  

I have a family who has 2 girls, ages 4 and 9.  I frequently watch the 4 year old, and on occasion, the older daughter.  My hours are  7am-5:30pm.  The mother in this family does not work until 9am, the father has (come to find out) worked 3 days or less in a week.  The 4 year old is dropped off here at 7:30 every morning, and is not picked up until 6pm (past my closing hour, and an hour past Mom's off hour at work).  Keep in mind, the father is many times, not working at ALL.... 

  

Their oldest daughter (9), is extremely clingy (they both are--to an extreme and it bothers and offends myself, my family, and the other children.  Two weeks ago, she made the statement while she was giving me a HUGE hug, "I wish that you were my Mommy"--which completely broke my heart. 

  

Two days ago, while picking up the younger daughter (4), the mother made the statement in FRONT of the daughter, "I wish someone else WOULD raise you."   

  

The girls are constantly having to fend for themselves and are soooo desperate for attention; I have never seen anything quite like it.  Completely starved for affection.  The parents are up all hours of the night playing poker on the weekends with friends or out on the town with friends.  They rarely, if ever, do anything to promote self esteem with their girls.  To be honest, I am so fearful that sooner or later, those girls are going to be going "elsewhere" seeking approval and attention from anyone or anything that will give it to them.   

  

Am I wrong?  If my concerns ARE valid, how can I, or should I approach this with Mom and Dad.  I do not want this type of behavior rubbing off on MY kids or anyone else's kids at my facility. 

  

I appreciate your suggestions. 

Do not under estimate a child and the influence that one can have on them. You are their child care provider but through you, they can learn to love and see the positive things in life. They know that they are loved and cared for and with the positive attention that you give them, they will eat that up, take advantage of every moment that you have with them, even kids from their home experiences can turn out good and with love, respect and good values and morals, believe me, I was them as a child and I took in all the positive things that I could and I was a good kid and teenager, never been in trouble, made good grades and was well liked, got myself through school and college and have had a great life and I am in my early 40's.................Now with all this being said, it does look like you are being taken advantage of and that should not be tolerated to a point. yes, they are their earlier then they really need to be but if you are opened during the time that they arrive, then don't turn them away, welcome them with open arms. Now, all of the centers that I have worked in had a policy that any time a child was not picked up at closing, the parents got charged $5 for every 15 minutes for the service, I would be doing this if I were you......Also another thing you could do is start documenting everything that you see and hear,date and sign it at the end of the day. If you suspect child abuse in any way, shape or form then you should feel obligated to report it but make sure you are 100% right for many loving families have been torn apart by loving families......As far as approaching the parents, chances are it wouldn't do much good and could casue some problems, I don't know, this is one you are going to have to follow your heart on and when it comes to your own kids, if you love, respect and communicate with them, then they will be fine, Maybe after all the other kids have left and you and your kids are alone, talk to them and praise them for the good things that they have done and all and at the same time, when opportunity comes up, explain to them that not all kids are fortuante to come from good loving homes and that they too can help these kids feel loved and appreciated. Kids are compassionate and understand more then we think they do....I was in a situation similar to this when my girls were 2 yrs and the other was 9 months, I babysat two siblings about the same ages of my children and talk about chaios! they were both so starved for attention, it was sad, I did everything possible to give them the love and attention that they needed as long as I could possibly do it, I came tot he point of having to resign that job becauase of the effect it was having on my children, my two are very easy going kids and I found that ALL my attention was going on these other two, even daddy's attention was geared towards the other two becasue of the demands of caring for those two, my husband would walk in the door and there was so much competition for his attention that it was not a pretty site, theerfore, in that situation, I had to put the needs of my own children first but we still come in contact with those kids, they are now 4 and 2 and they still come up and love on me, they still cling to me, and the 4 year old remembers postive things that came from my home, he talks about me and my husband all the time. You never know, I think you have to follow your heart and have the best interest of the kids involved including your own.I know it isn't easy to sit back and know that something like this is happening but you would be surprised what the out come can be and remember, you can only do so much...............................

Today watching the show i seen that Dr.Phil had message boards. I am an 18 yr old girl pregnant at 16. My daughter is a year old now. Her father is very controlling I have no privacy and i know that he loves me and that doesnt really bother me but he is 23 years old and he does not help me out with our daughter we go to parties he just takes off and i do not have the patience. This drives me nuts every single day i want to be one of those deticated stay at home mothers who i think are amazing. I cannot do it i just cannot manage to have the control to clean my house and cook food but i want to learn how to get myself into doing these things? Also we live in a 2 bedroom apartment and his father lives with us and that is just well a story in itself! If any one has any tips for me that would be highly appreciated. Thank You So Much 

My son is almost 12, and I realize that the pre - teen age is difficult for them with all of the adjusting. My question is, How do I get him to care again? I mean care about school work, care about himself. He seems to have lost his sense of worth. His father moved across the country almost 2 months ago,(apparently to work) and although they werent the closest, he thinks his dad is great. Since he has moved, my sons grades have gotten worse and there is a very good chance he will fail this school year. He also started lying.  We have always had a great relationship, he has always been able to come and talk to me about anything. 

I am trying to figure out what I can do to get him to care about his schooling. I have explained to him how important it is to graduate and make good grades.  

He isn't lying about big things, little things so far, but I feel that little lies can turn into big lies, and one brings another, like a snowball rolling down a hill it just gets bigger the longer it goes. I feel I have come to the end of my rope with this problem. How do you get your child to care again? 

You need to find his currency.  What does he care about?  TV ? Computer games? Music? Make his access to what he loves contingent on some specific behaviours you want him to prerform.  Then when some things turn around, shower him with attention and praise.  

  

I always work with positive discipline rather than negative. Do these 4 things and you get X.  Then praise praise praise on how well the four things got done. 

Hi, I am a loving mother of one 7yr old daughter.  My daughter's dad took me to court when she was just 2 yrs old and was awarded custody because of my stability.  He has three other daughters with his first wife and now has a son with his previous (soon-to-be)ex-wife.  I am in the process of taking him back to court because of the way he treats my daughter.  He is a very controlling man and thinks he does no wrong, only the woman are wrong.  I have reported him to the local Child Protective Services and I am waiting to hear a response from them.  I have a court date set and I am a little nervous about this, but in another way, excited.  I have his ex-wife, three daughters, and the (soon-to-be) ex-wife and her teenage son all willing to stand up with me in court to try to help me get custody.  I don't approve of the games he has played or the way he has used my daughter to try to get to me.  Does anyone have any other advice for me??  How can I prove to the court that he doesn't deserve to raise our daughter??

He honestly does not care about anything material. I have taken things away from him, grounded him, praised him, done everything I can think of. He just doesn't care. The same way his father just doesn't care.  

  

The Good thing is... I am way too strong to give up. 

My daughter is a senior in high school. She was 18 in September so she is a bit older than most high school seniors. She asked our permission to see a young man that is 24 years old. We did give our permisiion without thinking through the matter. She now spends every waking moment with him and as much as we try to stop it, all it does is make for a very unpleasant house. She has told us that she has fallen in love with him. I don't know if there is anything I can do to prevent her from seeing him as much. She now is starting to lie to us in order to see him. She tells us she is going out with friends when she is really going to see him. I love my daughter and hate to have this come between us. Do I let it go and hope for the best. 

I worry that she will not have the life experiences that he has already had because she is much younger than him although she does tell us that she plans on attending college. Any advice is greatly appreciated. 

Hi, I'm new to this board. Just found it about 20 minutes ago actually. I am a 29 year old married mom of a 41/2year old girl and a 3year old son. Some days I think I'm doing okay and others I think I'm just really messing up this whole parenting thing! My 4year old started school in January and since then I saw a huge change in my 3year old's behaviour. They are so much better when they are one on one. Together, they are a nightmare. I say they are active children, but before I had kids, when I heard a mother say that I'd laugh and put it off as an excuse for rotten kids. Now here I am, claiming they are 'active'children. Who am I kidding? Sometimes they are just rotten! My daughter is not too bad, she's thru alot of the humps, her manners are well if she can overcome her unbeleivable shyness (which is a whole new can of fish I won't get into right now). My son - well I just don't think it's good. He will be 3 the end of May. His speech is very dleayed I would have to say. I can understand some of what he says, but his words are not clear and his vocabulary is not very big. He has been in speech therapy (expensive) and is on a waiting list for the local hearing and speech clinic. Although I've had his hearing checked and don't honestly beleive there's a problem I am looking deeper into it. He was a colicky baby and spent the first year of his life on my hip. He is still very possesive of me and I'm sure I must not be hard enough on him. He cannot stand beside me at the bank, he will not stop climbeing on chairs and stools in the kitchen, he will not stop taking things off the counter and out of the drawers. There are so many little things that he does that drive me crazy  I don't think I can fix them all. He's not all bad. He is pleasant and adorable and smart. I can eat at a restaurant with him and enjoy it and sit in a coffee shop and actually relax with him.Is he a bad kid?Am I a lazy parent for not correcting him? Or making him talk? I think I am just going to have to get a little tougher.

I have emailed the show numerous times asking for help and have not recieved a reply.  I am a mother of an HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome ) 3 month old girl.  She has had to have 1 of 3 surgeries to date.  Our finances are in ruin.  The hospital that does her surgeries and all cardiac appts is out of town and this makes it very difficult for us.  We had disconnect notices on our phone and utilities when we returned from her surgery.  We have had to neglect bills to pay for food.  My husband will probably lose his job from missing work when we had to go to Denver for the diagnosis, surgery, and followup.  This will put us in an even bigger bind.  We still have 2 surgeries to go and I cannot work because she is not allowed to attend daycare.  We also have many appts for our son who is bi-polar and has asthma.  We have to live on my in-laws property because now with all of the travel and medical expenses, we cannot pay to live anywhere else.  My medicaid was cancelled for me (my kids are still covered) because we make a little more than $500 a month, and I need to have my gallbladder removed.  I have an emergency room bill that will be impossible for me to pay now.  My life has fallen apart and noone will help us.  Please, email Dr. Phil if you believe he should do a show for us.  There needs to be more awareness for HLHS.  The is another girl that has HLHS that is emailing the show to ask for help paying for school.  If anyone desrves it, she does.  She is one of the oldest HLHS surviors since the surgery has only been around for just over 20 years.  This disease is not well known and because of this, they missed it on the 6 ultrasounds I had done.  Because of this my daughter could have died.  It is supposed to be one of the easiest to diagnose in ultrasound, but unfortunately due to lack of awareness, it was missed.  Please help us and others that are struggling with this horrible defect.  We need help.  Thanks.