Topic : Single Parenting

Hi there

I seem to be the first person here so I hope someone reads this and can give me some advice, I have a six year old son who has no respect for me on an emotional level. He will do everything I ask when asked but will not do his basic every day chores on his own accord and he knows to do it and will always do if he wants something, he is a very intelligent boy and I love him but I can not connect to him emotionally, He won't open up to me and talk about what he is feeling. I believe that he has some resentment towards me as I had to leave him in New zealand for a year when I came to Australia, my mom was fighting for custody of him and had a court order preventing me from taking him out of the country ( I was 18 at the time). How do I get him to open up to me so that we can talk and possibly solve some attitude issues that he has with me. I seem to be treating him like a friend more than a mom and he takes advantage of that. See how confused I am!!!!!

Confused Australia  

Hi there - Sounds pretty frustrating.

If he wont open up to you and tell you how he is feeling, he probably does not know how to articulate it.  He is, after all, 6 years old.  I think we have to learn to teach kids how to open up by confirming what they may be going though and giving them words to have the conversation.  For example "It must be frustrating for you", or "you seem angry", "You seem excited, happy, silly, etc"

 

Someone once suggested to me, that instead of asking how he (my son) is doing, to make statements that allow him to talk.  Here is an example:

 

"Mom has been pretty busy lately huh?"  (he probably will say yes)

 

"What do you think about that?" and then just wait.    (He may very well say I don't know, but at least you put it out there which, if done consistently, sends a subtle message that he can share with you)

 

"Well, pretty soon mom won't have to spend all this time studying and I will have more time to spend with you."

 

A really good book I recommend (If you are a reader) is Parenting with love and logic by Cline & Fay

dr. phil has on his website a contract that u can use with ur kids. first of all, i live with another single mother, so we help each other out. we have seven kids in our house and it used to get crazy before we used the contracts. now everything runs very smoothly even though four of the kids have adhd and three have oppositional defiant disorder. they do their chores on time and r to bed on time, plus they r all very respectful. their ages run from age 4-16. for the younger kids, i just put pictures of their favorite cartoon characters, but it works really well as long as ur consistent with it. one month i was not consistent and i could tell. u need to change it every month and have a family meeting to discuss the changes being made, but our house is very peaceful now, even though we have seven boys. hope u give it a try. just look under discipline advice on the website and look up contract on search. change it to how it fits ur family. there is also a copy of it in FAMILY FIRST. he will argue about it at first, but after the first month he will know what to expect and u will be absolutely amazed as long as u follow thru. also, i found out the hard way to not be a friend but a mother. trust me, i know it can make u feel guilty being a single mom, but after reading FAMILY FIRST i had to learn to get past that. i thank dr. phil every day!!!! GOOD LUCK!! JEN

My ex husband recently moved 1000 miles away.  His new wife got a "better job"  So he quit his perfectly good job with department of transportation and moved to be with her.  He has been very speratic with his visitation.  Making a few then we won't hear from him for a month and a half.  My children hadn't seen or talked to him for over a month and the last time he saw them he broke the news.  Since then my daughter who is almost five is wetting the bed and my son who is six is having trouble in school.  He is also steeling money from his sister.  I am so worried about them.  Their dad wants me to pay for half of the visitation witch is not in my budget.  On one hand i think things will be fine but on the other the thought of going to court and fighting with him really stresses me out.  and the thought of my children being so far away on visitation with someone i don't completely trust scares me.  With him not working i worry about child support and taking care of my children. He says he knows he still has to support them and laughs at me. He has another child and i used to have to send money for him because he wouldn't get a job. I just need help in handleing all of my emotions so i can help my children.  I feel like a horrible mom because i have to disapline and comfort and sometimes i feel like my children don't like me.

From what I understand from my divorce, He can't make you pay to send the children to him if it was his choice to move. They may even tell him that he needs to pay more support because he is not with the children as often which means more daycare for you, more one on one time, and obviously if the children are not with him as often it cost you more to raise them.  So I would look into that. Don't let him stress you out. I try and look at it like this. I do not have to share my daughter and go through all the crazy mess of missing her on holidays. I get 365 days of peace and quite  from an ex husband who obviously doesn't know what he is doing to his child. Of course him and his new wife call and harrass me, but.. I have stopped answering the phone now. 

  

  

I just went to legal aid they weren't much help.  The woman told me to just stick to the az guidelines for visitaion and make him do the work because he moved.  i just don't want to give up my entire summer.  Since i am going to school to be a teacher that is pretty much the only time i have for vacation.  Thank you for the advise i am trying to get my stuff together for court next month.  I am trying to look into things, like borrowing money for a lawyer and looking up information about visitation guidelines.  From what i found so much it goes a lot on a case by case basis and i think i have enough documentation to proove my points.  Thank you again for listening it helps to have someone to bounce things off of.

My ex asked me to give him what kind of visitation i think is appropriate in writing so I Did.  He calls me and tells me that this won't work He is taking me to court.  He wants to put my babies on an airplane by themselves and he wants me to pay for half.  He says south west airlines will let them fly.  I just am not comfortable with this idea.  He moved away and didn't even care how this would affect them.  I am so upset.  I can't sleep.  I need a lawyer and can't afford one and i just don't know how to handle this.  Hopefully he is just being a jerk and get over it but last time he threatened me with court he followed through and i still proved my point even though he got a lawyer.  I just can't understand why he would do this to our children.  Him and his new wife make nearly 90,000 dollars a year i barely made 12,000 last year.  Now he has quit his job and probably won't send support payments like he did with his other son before our two children.  All i can think of is the bills piling up and i don't know what to do.

It seems to me that non-single parents give such simple solutions to single moms!  IT IS NOT THAT SIMPLE!    

   

I am a single mother with very little money.  My husband who has been an abusive alcoholic is now addicted to crack and has abandoned us.  I have managed to be involved in my daughter's school and after school activities.  I know this has made a difference.    

   

I have to get back to an 8-5 job in-order to survive.  I have no transportation to get my daughter to school & back or take her to her music group after school.    

   

The advice I have gotten:  ask your new employer to work around my schedule, pull your daughter out of after school activities, maybe she can walk (over 5miles alone) etc...    

   

I am very discouraged.  My whole being tells me to go with my first priority and passion---to care for my daughter enough to aid her in becoming a healthy adult.  Though my realty says work & bills number 1-- then daughter.  I know we have to survive physically but how can I balance this?     

   

   

i am asking for help/guidance for my friend who is quite concerned about his ex-wife and his children. it has been brought to his attention that the mother of his children is using and selling narcotics out of the house/garage. he wants to turn her in but is worried that his children will be put with social services if they find out about this. she has a live in nanny who is with the children most of the time except for weekends. we are fully aware that any teacher or healthcare provider can and will turn her in to the authorities if they suspect anything...no proof necessary.   

   

he knows if he confronts her, she will deny it all. she is bipolar, which also causes her to be irrational. she has gone to rehab when they were married and he is afraid that she has taken a turn for the worse again. supposedly she has lost her job in the banking industry. she has no friends that she respects and her parents are equally screwed up as well.  

   

we are seeking information for the safety of his children. he has 49% joint custody according to his divorce decree. he doesn't know how to get her help and get custody of his kids at the same time.   

   

any suggestions??  

He sounds controlling and you sound controlled.  Was your ex abusive?      

     

Have you contacted anyone from the child support agency?      

     

I am in no real position to say relax because I am a single mother myself.  However, I've been dealing with a controlling husband.  Most of the time he is full of hot air.  Though the times he isn't...he is full force.  Which ends up back firing on him -not me.  What happens to me:  I freak out, worry, and plead.  Looking back, I'd be more relaxed.  Everything comes out in the wash.      

     

I would take a deep breathe and review the situation.  Is he doing this because he really wants to see them?  Is he just trying to make you jump?  Either way, you have parental rights also.  The only thing you can do is find out facts from the authorities and document everything.      

     

I hope this helps.      

Mary    

P.S.(I know it is not as easy as it seems.  Your situation is unique to anyone else.  People not in it ---need to understand that!!  Sorry, just had to say that.  Lots of people looking outside end up having swift opinions and I don't want to be that person.)    

     

GOOD LUCK!