Topic : Single Parenting

Well, there is good news and good news! The good news is, there are a lot things that can be done here from a behavioral aspect. The bad news is, I have no idea what is really going on in the situation. Anyone reading does not have any kind of background on what you do as a parent. Second of all, if the behavior, as you say, changes after seeing the grandmother... perhaps you should be questioning what is going on there.  

Sorry, I meant good news and bad news 

Hello everyone reading this, 

I am a single mom of a great 5 year old boy, his father has not been around since birth and has recently decided that he wants to be involved in mine and my son's life again. However he also has another son (my son's half brother) who is only 9 months younger than my own son.  He has not paid child support and my son does not have his last name. I have mixed feelings about allowing him to see my son, nor do I know how to go about introducing him to my son. So far me and his father are getting along well but it has only been a few weeks since he has come back around. If anyone knows how to introduce them to each other or has been in a similar situation PLEASE respond with sugestions.     Thanks     INDIANA MOM 

i have 3 boys, 2 of which have the same father and he sounds alot like your son's father.  It's easy to feel that if he isn't supporting the child, then he doesn't deserve to see him.  I felt that way for a long time but i have always allowed my boys to see their dad whenever possible.  I didn't want them to grow up and feel like i kept them from having a relationship from him.  He's never really been an active part of their lives, even though he's had every opportunity and now that they're older (9&13) they realize exactly how he is, without me ever telling them.  I knew they'd find out for themselves. 

since your son has never met his dad, my advice would be to have him spend time with your son at your house, or the 3 of you could do something together.  i wouldn't send him alone with someone who is a complete stranger to him, especially at his age.  then as he gets to know his dad, over a period of time, then he could spend time alone with him.  i would just make sure that he's comfortable with it.  i'd look at it in a positive way--seems like he's trying to get back into his son's life and making an effort. and i'm sure your son would love to get to know his brother too.  just take it slow---good luck!!    

  You're right! Non-single parents & people that have never had kids always seem to have all the answers. The problem is that they don't really understand because they haven't been there.  

  I can share my experience with you & maybe it can help. I am a disabled, single parent with 3 children (my oldest is 3 1/2 yrs older than my twins). Their father was an alcoholic who abandoned us & refused to pay child support. We didn't have a car either  (I REALLY understand how hard that is). We rode the bus or walked.  

  One of the very best things I did for myself & my children was to go to Al-Anon. It seemed so selfish at first, but I found support, understanding & hope. If you can't find a group in your area, they have a website (al-anon.alateen.org). It changed my life. It helped me to find a way to survive, to heal & to grow. It taught me how to figure out my priorities & gave me a balance & security I'd never known. It also helped me to become a better parent.  I went back to school, got my GED, & am working on my AA degree. My children are young adults now. Raising them was the most difficult & rewarding thing I've ever done. 

  Some other ideas that might help  1) a part-time job or two that work around your daughter's schedule   2) cleaning (or some chore) in exchange for your daughter's transportation from a classmates' parent. There are no problems without solutions. It's just a matter of  finding a way. Above all, keep hope in your heart because you & your daughter deserve all of the best life has to offer. You will be in my prayers 

How old is your daughter? (rhetorical)

How old are you, the parent? (rhetorical) 

How old are the grandparents? (rhetorical) 

Why are the grandparents letting her do whatever she wants? When you entrusted your child to them, is it fair to assume that you have put them in charge of your child, and not the other way around? And if you know that this is going on while you are not there, and you know that is causing the behavior problems, why then are you still allowing them to treat your child like this?  

I'm sorry if that sounds snide, but that is the honest truth. You are the parent, you take control.  

On to something else you mention. The abuse that went on, and the inability to sleep with out you there... In terms of psychopathology (mental illness, irregularity if the word illness scares you) children are much different from adults in their expression of some things. So, it is hard to say what/why but there is almost certainly a link between the abuse and the sleep problems. (e.g. Post traumatic stress disorder... a common cause of chronic sleep disturbances). However, before running off to a child psychologist saying some undergraduate psychology major said to see you, if you haven't already, ask why she can't sleep alone. Not whether she wants or needs to sleep with you, but why can she? There might be some explaination (e.g. monster under the bed or something). If this is not the case, then seeking professional counciling might be nessicary.   

    One thing I've learned in 9 years of single parenting is that the behavior could  be due to the transition from the visit. Have you ever heard of kids that melt down when a parent  picks them up at daycare, yet they behaved all day at daycare?  The child "holds it all together" during the day, and when mom comes, they trust her enough to "let it all out". Our kids are going to another house and have to hold it together for 2-3 DAYS!!  They get home and they just want to be themselves! They've had frustrations the whole weekend that they've had to bottle up. It's the same as us grown-ups that hold it together all day at work and when we get home, we can be our "ugly" self because our family will still love us. 

    Lets put ourselve in their shoes. Every other weekend, they have to sleep in a different bed, eat different food, wear different pj's, etc. (Does anyone want to go out of town and live in a different environment every other weekend? What kind of mood would YOU be in on Sunday evening?) Every other weekend, they get big reminders that their parents are divorced. It stinks for them.  

    My ex isn't a good disciplinarian AT ALL! I had no control over what he did with them. I had a good friend, who was raised in a single parent home, tell me that my ex may not have been doing anything wrong, that her & her siblings just behaved badly when they went back & forth to each parents house. So.... I came up with an idea that worked for me. 

    We used to have the HUGEST meltdowns when the kids came home. They got home at 6pm, I had 2 hours to: eat dinner, do math & spelling, reconnect, bath, get ready for a long week at school. They were so tired from sleepovers, they'd stare blankly at me while I tried to teach them to add fractions!! It was just AWFUL! I tried changing visitation time, having him feed the kids, maybe do homework with them, nothing changed....I had to change something. I found that if I spend the first 15-20 minutes just talking and reconnecting with them, it worked miracles. It is our tradition to this day. I have the table set with "kid's coffee" (decaff General Foods International vanilla coffee) hot chocolate or something and a healthy snack or dinner if they haven't eaten. We sit at the table and hear about everyone's weekend. Just talk & "reconnect". After this, we can "get things done". My kids have matured a little faster and have decided that sleepovers make them more tired & doing homework before Sunday evening makes everything easier.  It's kind of cool, because now my son (who's 14) tries to get everything done so he and I can go for a walk in the evening. We don't have many traditions at our house, it's hard to do with every other holiday, etc, but we have our Sunday evenings. 

    Try to spend the first 15-20  minutes when they get home to just sit on the couch, hug, talk, whatever....and welcome them back home.