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Topic : 07/24 Teen Dating and Abuse

Number of Replies: 570
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Created on : Thursday, April 13, 2006, 01:16:29 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/19/06) It's every parent's worst fear – his or her teen daughter hooking up with a “bad boy.” But what do you do when your worries come true, and your daughter comes home with a black eye? Melody feared for the safety of her 17-year-old daughter, Coryn, so she filed a restraining order against her boyfriend, Brian. Coryn says her mom has it all wrong, and Brian treats her well. What does Brian have to say? And will Coryn learn to see her mom's point of view? Then, Jack and Wendy brought their 20-year-old daughter, Katie, to the show because she has broken up with her boyfriend over 20 times. She keeps getting back together with him even though they say he has called her names, thrown her to the floor, choked her and hit her. Will Katie continue the cycle after her talk with Dr. Phil? Share your stories and talk about the show here.

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April 19, 2006, 7:53 am CDT

what I know

Quote From: hmeow29

I have three girls. Ages almost 12, 14, 15. I've always considered myself cautious, but alot say in strict. But I'm about to let my oldest date. I worry about this topic because, what if they cover it up or abuse their date also? My oldest does have a temper, and when she gets real upset she can really blow her top. So how do I know what's happening. I mean what other signs are there besides the obvious ones? Plus what if they hide it from us? I hope that this show explains a little more detail then what you can see, and to approach them with the right questions . I know he only has so little time to do his show. So if anyone out there can give some advice. I thank you very much.

 

                                                                                                      Mary

 

Mary, 

I too used to have an attitude problem when I was younger that drove my parents crazy. Trust me when I say that your daughter is moody and has an attitude probably because she's confused about her place in life, she has her own everyday issues to deal with that she doesn't want to burden you with (because hey...she probably thinks you won't understand)....etc. There are so many things she could be feeling and it isn't your job to try to understand those things, but rather to just let her know you support her. Try to plan things with her and encourage her. And as for the dating thing....group dates are acceptable if you trust and know the kids going out. But you should set limitations on where they're going and how long they can be out. If you ever have an opportunity, you should talk to you daughter about standards that she has for herself where boys are concerned. She may think you're lame for doing it, but believe me she'll retain the information. Let her know that violence in any form is unacceptable, as is cheating. Let her know you're always there to listen and advise her withouth holding judgement. Kids say that they don't need parents to talk so much, but in spite of their attitudes about it, they really do listen. But they won't know anything if you don't tell them.  

 
April 19, 2006, 8:02 am CDT

Been there!!!

I am a 41 year old woman and I was there where these girls are when I was 21.  I had a boyfriend that was emotionally abusive - he was twice my size and I knew it was just a matter of time before it became physical.  One of the last nights that I put up with all he dished out ...He followed me out to a club - he got drunk - pushed me around emotionally all night until I decided to leave. I asked a  bartender to let me go to their loft that was close to the club.  My boyfriend followed me - and a very good friend of mine and his at the time ( followed him to watch after me ) .  My boyfriend beat everything up in his path to get to me and had not my friend got to him when he did - I thought I was going to be next.  I had locked myself into a back bedroom at the loft and he was banging the door in.  I had never been so scared!  My guy friend was there to pull my boyfriend back. 

  

It took a long time to get over him....I would shake if I was just near him..Scared, emotionally scorned. I wanted him back ...but wanted him to get help..While we were  on the outs he got another girl pregnant and blamed it on me for turning my back on him. 

  

My Message to these girls:  It's not about you.  It's about who will allow him to control them.  I left this guy.  He ended up marrying the girl he impregnated - they went through a divorce.  I saw him in my 30's - He sayed he had changed....Then I saw him on the news.  He had gone to work for a position in the local firedepartment and had as many as 20 complaints against him from co workers for harrasment.  He Never did change.   

  

Just sad... 

  

I ended up marrying a wonderful man with so much respect.  We have 3 beautiful boys. And a very happy life.  How would my life had ended up if I had SETTLED for such a sad person...?  I don't want to even think about it.  I wasn't his answer.  I couldn't change him.  I did try.  I thought I was so  

good to him.   

  

Good Luck , 

Run away from this situation.  Don't look back. 


Happy today! 

 
April 19, 2006, 8:09 am CDT

Hello. As a acting christian, I do have to say that

Abuse is really bad on anyone, male or female. Abusers don't really respect their boyfriends/girlfriends; husbands/wives, they just want to control them further & further. That's not love at all. They're lots of them out in this world, & that's really sad. But I do believe that some abusers can change. We shouldn't be hating on them, as God told us to love our enemies, no matter what they do to us. Maybe the abusers have been treated really bad by other people, or have been treated or raised(or even being abused themselves) badly in their childhoods, or have never really been loved, that they'll just snap, & decide to get even with them. Maybe that's the problem with them.
 
April 19, 2006, 8:21 am CDT

The cycle CAN be broken

To the girls in the abusive relationships (and YES, Corwyn, he IS an abuser, and will only get worse)--the cycle can be broken and you can take back your power and have a positve, successful life.  We received the gift of a beautiful, bright daughter-in-law 2 years ago, who had been in an abusive marriage from the age of 19 or so. She sensibly  grabbed her little boy and ran for her life. Her brother helped her move, with the assistance of a couple of his friends. One of those friends was my son. She moved home, finished school, regained her self-esteem, got a great job and married a super guy who loves her without needing to control her. She says he was her knight in shining armor in Ford pickup! WE got the daughter we have always wanted, and a fabulous grandson as well.  Now there is a new baby that we are just foolish over.  The point here is that with work and family support, there are people out there who want good things for you and believe that you can change your life for the better. Both girls seem to have that--it's not like they are out on the street!  Katie and Corwyn, please don't go back into these relationships. Katie, if he hurts you, he will hurt that baby. Abusers are always sorry until it happens again, and they never, never kill themselves, no matter what they threaten. They just go on to someone else. You are only a victim if you let yourself stay in the relationship, and you both seem too smart for that. Move on with your lives before it's too late!
 
April 19, 2006, 8:21 am CDT

Teacher Them Well

 You know  it's bad when teenagers have to deal with abuse from those whom they feel they have something in common. Specially when it comes to picking the right one to be their possible soul-mate. I have never had that problem when I was a teenage. I had self-esteem problems when I was young but I also had a mother whom was abused by my father and her live in boyfriend and from that alone I learn for myself that I would never deal with someone whom would hit me or whom felt they could do what they wanted to do to me. Schools today teach sex education they also need to teacher these young people about what is acceptable when it comes to abuse from those whom they consider their soul-mate.
 
April 19, 2006, 8:28 am CDT

i'm not a "teen" but i"m going through this right now

It's rare that I get up in time to see the Dr. Phil show anymore, but today I did and I wished that it  could be me on there getting real life advice.  

I've been in a relationship for 3 years now. We have a 17 month old and one on the way in October. I'm 22. Since last June, he has been drinking more and more, his cousins wedding was more important than his sick daughter and stressed out girlfriend, he started a new job where most of the guys drink on a regular basis and he's gone very long days 6am-9pm (commercial roofing), we just started fighting all the time...first it was that I needed to get a job (I was so sick with my first pregnancy that I stopped working, and haven't been back) so I got a part time job and went back to school full time, then the grant was lost for my job so I lost my job...it was always something. He moved out for a few days in Sept. and Oct. and both times he came back and we decided to work it out. We both loved each other and our daughter, we just needed help. So we tried relationship counseling, and that was awful. We were put in a parenting program rather than a premarital counseling program and the lady just smiled and nodded...never really said much or asked questions....after 3 visits we decided that that was just not what we needed and the woman didn't argue with me when I called to cancel the sessions. So, one night in November, I had the candles lit, my daughter was in bed, I was emersed in schoolwork, and he came home intoxicated. He tried to open a cup of noodles package with  a lit candle, woke up our daughter, and at that point, I was like I don't know what you are doing, but you can't come home and act like this..He got all defensive and it ended in a "domestic incident" - with the baby in my arms, he pulled me around by my sweatshirt, pushed us up against the wall, scared the mess out of me...I calle dthe cops, he got a harassment charge. He ended up pleading out and got a conditional discharge. So the rest of November and December, I was a basket case, he drank all the time, came around when he wanted to. He did come take care of me and the baby when I had to get my wisdom teeth out. Then in January, all of the sudden he decided that he wanted to be a part of our lives. He started anger management support group, he stopped drinking...everything was going great. We started going to relationship counseling again, but the premarital program this time. It was great. We celebrated 3 months of no fighting/argueing...working together as a team and basically being what we used to be before we had our daughter. He never moved back in, b/c we both knew we just weren't ready for that. Then, a couple days after our 3 month celebration, he came to my house intoxicated again. This time he was just nasty, our daughter had bronchitis and he wanted me to take him to work at 1130 at night. I told him no...why couldn't his friend pick him up like they had planned to origenally?? I honestly didnt realize he had been drinking, and he had the key to my apartment, so there was no meeting him at the door. When he showed up, I was laying on the couch with our daughter rubbingher back b/c she was miserable.  That night ended with him slamming me into walls, choking me, wehn i screamed he put his hands down my throat, and thank God that my friends live upstairs..they came barging in, one grabbed the baby and one grabbed him.  I called the cops again, he got charged with harassment and endangering the welfare of a child. 2 weeks after that event, we met at a park for visitation.. it went great..he expressed  how sorry he was, but that this time he really had to work on himself before anything else..he was starting AA, he was getting into an angert management program...he was going to do what it took to fix his problem so he could be around for his kids. The next day he had another visitation session, I had to go to a dr. appointment and he "babysat" while I was gone. He went out of town for work for 2 weeks, came home and I ran into him dropping off Easter portraits we had done. We hung out for a few hours, everything was fine. Then the next day he sends a random woman to my home to pick up our car, which we've shared all of this time...since we had our daughter..to cut costs. She calls the cops, he finally shows up to drive the car away. He said his lawyer advised him to stay away from us, and the woman told the cops before he arrived that everytime we are around each other I call the cops on him and I'm carrying someone elses child.  He says he'll be back the next day for scheduled visitation and to give me child support...that never happened. When it comes to custody, I have sole custody of our daughter with visitation as agreed upon. However, my family is 12 hours south of us, I have no support here and he won't agree to letting me move home esp. to finish out this pregnancy. I don't want to give up hope...We had those 3 months of our version of perfect, and before last june everything was fine... I don't want to be "abused" anymore, and I certainly don't want my children to be abused...but I keep thinking there is a huge chance that he'll do what he needs to do to get help. I have no doubt that he cares about us, but what do I do in the meantime??  

 
April 19, 2006, 8:33 am CDT

Experienced this with my daughter

My daughter was involved in a abusive relationship that began at the age of 14.  The boy was both emotionally and later physically abusive with her for almost 2 years (off and on).  She was not allowed to have any friends, she had to quit her dance team and her participation in sports.  She lost all of her friends and started changing the way she dressed (went gothic) and started listening to "emo" and very hard metal music.   

  

The police were involved on several occassions.  He appeared came to a hs football game with a hammer to hurt the boy she started dating.  There was an altercation in the school parking lot and he was suspended from school.  This boys parents ended up blaming me for my daughters behavior that they felt provoced their son!    My daughter made some SERIOUS mistakes and does have some accountability with what  went on (calling him all the time and causing her own amount of trouble with him).   

  

This relationship caused a serious rift in our family.  She moved with her dad when we forbid her to see this boy (hence the name "movedaway") and her father would let her (long story).  He was physically abusive with her at school when he punched her in the stomach and has pushed and grabed her on several occasions. 

  

Finally, she has gotten away from him and has made great strides to get her life back.  She has totally changed her appearance (for the MUCH better) and is working to get her grades back on track.  She has a new boyfriend who seems to be very nice and has been a good influence on her.  However, I am still very worried about what this prior relationship has done to her self esteem.  I hope that she has learned a valuable lesson that she did not deserve that treatment.  I was in an abusive relationship with her father for years.  I don't want her to go through the same things I went through. 

  

I just keep praying. 

 
April 19, 2006, 8:36 am CDT

mother in need of help

My daughter is 17 and has been in an abusive relationship for 2 years now, my  husband and I have tried to get through to her with no avail. She has come home two times in the past year with a black eye and a busted lip, but still swears that he didn't do it. I know what is going on but I don't know how far to go to fix the problem. This boy has turned my daughter into a complete stranger, she tells us lies, and I have found letters where he is pressuring her for sex and being very controlling of her but she screams and yells at me and tells me i am wrong about everything.She quit playing sports in high school so i made her get a job, i don't regret that because i believe it is good for her to be around other boys and girls her age. I know that she is not allowed to talk to her friends at school because she has told me , yet she wont tell me the truth about the abuse but has confided in some other friends that she is afraid of this boy ,she is a beautiful girl that has never drank or done drugs and has sooo much potential,  but why won't she ditch him. I have told her how  much of a loser these kind of people are, i was married for 20 years to some one just like that and finially found enough nerve to leave and make a wonderful life for myself, i now have a Wonderful husband, and two great step-children.I wish someome could give me a good answer that will keep me from losing my daughter,she already hates me because of what i try to do to prevent her from getting hurt.   

 
April 19, 2006, 8:37 am CDT

My daughter Kathy

Quote From: jackinsc

Our daughter is now 20 and we are still trying to figure out where we went wrong.

   

  

From the time she turned 17 is when the problems started.  We have tried everything and I mean everything tough love, restriction, rewards, trying to get her involved in different hobbies, counseling, doing things as a family and church. I truly believe most of the problem was peer pressure and wanting to be part of a group. So and so does it, so why can't I? Sound familiar?

   

  

 As a parent we have always been up front with Katie, telling her she can come to us about anything and if we cannot answer her question then we would find someone that could. It didn't matter if it was drugs, sex anything. Of course it is hard for young people to come to their parents with these questions so they turn to their peers. You have to become their friend as well as their parent. One thing these young people do not want to hear is "when I was your age" and I am sure we can all relate to that.

   

  

We have never given up even with the latest issue of the abuse. Now that she has been away from this guy form some time she is seeing more and more of his bad side. Counseling is starting to make her see things in a different light but it is still early days. Katie is now working towards getting her High School diploma, a job and make a better life for herself and her son. She like so many other young people has so much to be thankful for.

   

  

Although it has been a long hard road, there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

   

  

Thank you Dr. Phil and staff,

   

  

Jack

   

  

 

   

  

   

 Dr. Phil and staff,
  I saw your show today and as I watched Brian I saw my daughter's boyfriend Gary.  He is a young boy who has no sense of accountability, responsibility, or boundaries. 
  Let me start with my daughter Kathy, she is a heavy set child who has a history of cutting.  My husband and I worked hard to get her the help she needed.  After a year of counseling and medication for depression she was doing very well.  She said she was ready to stop the meds and counseling.  We agreed.  Although she still would request every once in a while to talk to the Pastor's wife.  I took her when she said that.  I just wanted her to have a long and happy life.  A few months later she met Gary and things started going down hill from there.  Kathy stopped talking, started attacking anyone who came against Gary.  He didn't respect our wishes came over when he wasn't supposed to, drove Kathy in the car as we don't let our kids ride with other teens until they graduate, he verbally abused her, went out on her with other girls, did drugs often, he has left bruises on her and said it was just playing.  they broke up often fought often because neither one of them know how to talk to each other and not at each other.

Kathy is now 18.  She turned 18 in November of 2005.  My dad told me he was diagnosed with cancer and I went to be with him through the chemo.  So I was traveling 3 hours back and forth for the past 5 months.  In February of this year I thought it would be a good idea for the kids to come see my dad.  So we planned to go the weekend of the superbowl.  Gary went off cussing and carrying on to Kathy for hours.  Then that afternoon Gary and his mother (whom he hides behind her skirt) came over and took Kathy because Gary had told her she was in fear for her life at home. 
His mother thinks Gary can do no wrong and everything he says is right same with his dad.  Now Gary's parents condone fornication in their home by letting them sleep in the same room.  Kathy has asked 2 times to come home but didn't because Gary has told he if she comes home it is over with them.  Everytime Kathy breaks up with gary his mom lectured Kathy then she stays with him.

I know she is very unhappy there and there is physical and emotional abuse in this relationship.  But I can't comprehend why she stays there in that situation.  The things I heard of Brian reminded me of Gary.  He lives by his emotions however he feels at that moment is how he reacts and acts.

Concerned mother
 
April 19, 2006, 9:06 am CDT

Hang in There

Quote From: sunshine80

I am so glad that your family stepped forward to help shed light on this subject.  I am cheering for Katie.  There are so many nice men that will treat her with dignity and love.  I am also cheering for you and your family.

Jack: 

Please don't beat yourself up over this.  I am an abuser survivor and I couldn't come from a better home.  I was young, and I met a man that was staying at the hotel where I worked.  He worked construction and moved from state to state, I thought that sounded better than my boring life.  The first time my Mother met him, she told me something was wrong with him, even though he was on his best behaviour.  She begged me not to move out of state with him but I was legally an adult and she couldn't stop me. 

My mom was absolutley right there was something wrong with him, the abuse started two weeks after we had moved to a new city.  For the next ten months I was screamed at, called filthy names, and had things thrown at me.  I wasn't allowed to have food or water unless he gave it to me.  He said his dog was on a schedule why should I be any different. 

Finally I was allowed to fly home for Christmas, I only had the clothes I was wearing and another change of clothes in a duffel bag.  When my Mom saw me the first time, she was horrified at how I looked.  I had been so humiliated and beaten down I could barely function.  Mom convinced not ot go back, I recieved counseling at the battered women's shelter.  At first he would call me all time, he would cry and beg me to forgive him, then he blamed his behaviour on his drinking problem.  He told me he had started attending AA and he finally realized how bad he had treated me.  But with the help of my family and my counselor I stood strong.  It took a long time but I finally got my life back, I am now married to a wonderful man we have been together three years now and he has never even raised his voice to me!!  we had our first child in January. 

Please tell Katie to be strong and resist the temptation to return to her baby's father, if I had not left my boyfriend I honestly beliee he would have killed me, he had started to threaten me with it and he owukd have eventually made good on his promise.  I believe Katie's boyfriend is capable of the same thing. 

  

I am praying over all of you. 

  

Misty 

 
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