Topic : 07/24 Teen Dating and Abuse

My daughter was 20 when she met this guy. He was quite(sign1). They dated awhile then he wanted her to move in with him ( Mom's house, sign 2). She was of age, there wasn't much I could say. She assured me things would be OK. I started seeing the signs in about 2 months. She quit wearing make-up and then she would only wear jeans and a long Tee- shirt. She would tell us things that he would get angry about. If she looked at a guy in the store or while they were walking anywhere. As time went on he would not let her drive "her" car. He stopped coming to the house himself, he would drop her off. So of course she could only stay a short time. She always had excuses for this. By this time I was pleading, begging doing anything I could to get her back home. Let me tell you I did alot of praying.   

Holidays became a joke. He made sure she couldn't enjoy her time with her family. We would still invite him just so she would see how big of a jerk he was being.Of course he wouldn't come.   

She left him twice during this, but she would always go back. He was so sorry, she could see her friends again, she could visit her family more, he would change just for her. It got to the point she walked with her head down and she never wore shorts even if the temp was 115. It was so hard sitting back and watching but I DID NOT give up. He and I had mutual feelings, we hated each other a whole lot.  

1 week before her 22 birthday she came home, home for good!! She took the cops over to get her stuff and he destroyed most of it, Somethings can't be replaced but I have my daughter and that's all that counts. She is getting her life back. She will have to build her credit but at least she is alive to do that.   

Everyone kept telling me "there is nothing you can do" in some since that is true especially when they are of age but you know what love, support goes along way and Dr. Phil.   

My advise is to tape a show that talks about abuse let them see it. Please anyone that reads this look for the signs and act on them. Go with your gut feeling. 9 out of 10 times your right. Don't ever give up.  

Dear Doctor Phil. I think that teenager who are dating guys in general is okay. But people who abu- 

se girls is not so good at all they get hurt and might die anytime. Thay is  why I will not go on dates- 

at all and that is why I am staying single for rest of my life. Well I had better close now. Sincerley----- 

Your. Russell

  Yes I am asking, what is going on here? I have not seen my daughter for 19 years. Before I left I had taken our family from poor and suicidal to educated and comfortable. I did this on my own, no help from her other than to be complained at for it not being better.  I am disabled and it takes alot of strength to make it thru each day, yet my wife would always have me run to the store the minute I got home. The things we needed always were an emergency in one way or another.  I finally had it when one day it had been really hard and all I wanted was my couch.    

It always is put on men as our inability to control our anger and never is the woman questioned. We men put our hearts into a relationship and if the women creates an unhealthy inviornment. I cannot believe that every abusive relationship is always looked upon as us men not being in control of our emotions.  Where is it stated that MEN are always in control? It in my mind  the  thought of loosing control that angers us.  Women have taken the roll of the abused and smile all the way to the bank. They loose nothing, if the relationship ends it is the man that goes. Then by paying to keep her happy one may get to visit the kids.  Yes my heart breaks at any young girl being abused only now my thoughts are tempered by experiance.   

Dr. Phil I hope your two boys have learned how to choose a good woman that will be  their wifes and mother to their children. Don

one out of 3 women.....and one out of 4 teenagers....the girls.  

   

And that is the number that is reported or talked about.  

   

Its not amazing.....its a sad fact that our society contributes to and projects this disrespect toward the female gender....in spite of those who have fought long and hard to gain  respect and equality.  

   

This is learned behavior usually learned in a family of origin......the young boys and men are making choices to control and abuse their girlfriends  their partners and wives.  

   

Look at the advertising, the music lyrics..TV....movies.......little girls trying to lose weight and please boys instead of themselves younger and younger.   

   

Many messages out there .....Parents, television, the media....friends and peers all contribute to how youth understand their world.   

   

   

   

   

   

Dr Phil was off when he suggested the young woman with a seven months old should go out and get a job washing cars or whatever... 

  

Yes, she needs connections to others and community in order to build self confidence but working a crap job and keeping her away from her newborn is clearly naive, male centered advice.  

I am so very sorry for your pain.  

   

I am saddened that your sister is dead.....and it was due to the abuse and violence.  

   

I do hope that the boyfriend is in jail and paying for his crimes.  

   

If I get a sense of you from your post....you will do all you can to see to it that your niece is raised with the self esteem that she will need along with life's lessons....from Auntie.......to have a mature, healthy life.  

   

Take care.  

   

There are people who hear you and understand.  

   

   

I just got done watching the show and thought I should share my story. My daughter was really good in school and had lots of friends. She graduated in 1980. Within the next year her world fell apart. She had a place of her own working at her uncles store. Then she met this guy who worked down the road. They came over for dinner and visited alot. I liked the guy. Then my daughter called us one day and told us that this guy was getting abusive. her dad and I went down there and confronted him and all hell broke loose. Within 2 weeks he and my daughter ran off to Florida writing checks on my daughters closed account. We live in Oregon. I didn't here from my daughter for about 3 months after that. We heard from the cops once cause her car was found totalled in Florida. My daughter called us 3 weeks later and wanted to come home. Of course we were thrilled to hear her voice since we didn't know if she was dead or alive. She came back and she was pregnant. She had explained to us that she had tried leaving this guy and he had raped her. He put my daughter thru hell. He was in jail at the time that she was able to come home. She stayed with us for about 3 months then she hooked up with her x-high school sweetheart. He was in the service. The ended up getting married. The twins girl were born 3 months later. The abusive boyfriend that she left in jail in Florida got out of jail and came back to Oregon and on the way raped an 81 yr old woman and the raped an 85 yr old later. He did get caught and is now in prison and is not to be release until 2019. She lived ok with the husband until it started to get abusive. She moved home from Washington in 2003. She really wanted to leave him. In the meantime they had had a little boy. She brought the 3 children with her and stayed with us again. She had to leave the children with me while she went back to get a divorce. The husband found out that she was not here and came and got his son. There was nothing we could do since he is the father. She ended up going back since he had her son. There wasn't anything she could do since it is different states. Well in the end she couldn't get away so she was telling everyone that he is going to have to go or he will. She was diagnose with bipolar disorder too. She ended up committing suicide in March, 2004. The husband kepted the kids away from us for a year. We went to an attorney to try to get the kids but since he was on the birth certificate for the twins there wasn't anything we could do. It has taken almost 1 1/2 years of fighting to get the children so we can get them over for visits. The kid now live not very far from us and we get them quite often we are the official babysitters. I am so glad that we get the grandbabies. I just wish there was something we could have did to help my daughter from these abusive relationships. These men are controlling , manipulative, lying bullies. Parents be aware of who your daughters are seeing. Keep them protected while you can. I couldn't do anything cause my daughter was over 18. Teach and love them so they know that they are somebody worth the best that the best can have. I didn't know until it was too late the pain my daughter was going thru. She was an untreated Biplor person. I love and miss my daughter every minute of everyday and I hope none of you ever have to feel the pain that I feel everyday !!!

Yes the statistics are high, and yes this happens alot but don't you think this is a little extreme? Not all people in this world are over agressive and abusers.

its a process to get her out of there.....she has to come out of the denial.....and see it for what it is.  

   

Momma.....call your local Domestic Violence hot-line and get them to set you up with all the information that they can so that you will have the resources at your fingertips.  

   

Find out about  the restraining orders.  

   

Start gathering printed information on the dynamics....tactics and antics of an abuser toward their victim.  

   

Educate yourself and your husband.....on the matter........your daughter will thank you for it later on.    

   

Sit down and have a talk with her.  

   

Help her develop a safety plan....the hot-line can help you with this.  

   

Check out the resources on this web site.....that Dr. Phil posted for this show.  Great resources for this matter.  

   

Did you read and research them?  

   

Do all you can to help her to help and save herself from the abuser.   

   

Also there is an abuse message board where they help folks each and every day......offering information and resources.  

   

   

   

   

Right at the  beginning I mad a mistake my daughter was born in 1980 and graduated in 1998. I thought I had better get it right I am so sorry.