Topic : 08/02 "I Love Myself!"

Oh wow, someone who loves themself to the point of crazy! My daughter's father and an ex I know is on top of the mountain! This man I know, I would say is definitely narsissistic. Everywhere he went he just had to be the center of attention. He would become abusive and violent if he did not get what he wanted or if you offend him in any way at all. He would expect people to be his personal slave and wouldn't dare lift one of his own fingers to do anything. He never works and abuses welfare to get an easy out, to get things handed down to him. He leaches off of people in order to live. He claims he knows famous people when he in fact does not and thinks he should be treated as though he were famous. He has to have the best even if there isn't a penny in his pocket. Anything not considered top of the line is not good enough for him. He could do no wrong and everything was someone else's fault, no matter what you do, he would stand over you and critisize it because it is not to his standard. This man I know actually pushed around a TV in a shopping cart when he was evicted...it was his baby...and it wasn't even his TV! It was mine! He would rent from Rent A Center and tell people he owned the items because he wanted so bad to appear wealthy, and he wouldn't make the payments on them. He is in denial he does any of this. He thinks everyone wants to and should want to be his best friend. In his eyes, he is god and you better treat him as one! This guy is the loser of the town yet thinks he's mr. popular just because everyone knows who he is. I needed to get the police involved just to leave him and how in the world I didn't see any of this is beyond me, but thankfully I'm with a man who lives in reality now.    

I think this girl is definitely hurting, you could see on her face that she feels empty. I do not believe she has the claimed disorder. She seems to be a very empty, lonely, and angry person. Even when your child has behavioral problems, you don't say you don't care if they die or that they get in the way. That would only aggravate them more and feel even more empty inside. They should have seeked help along with giving unconditional love and support! This poor girl probably acts as a reject because she is treated as one, until things change, how can they expect her to?! The father sounds as though he gave up on her a long time ago. Dr. Phil did very good with this today.    

Hello, I need help. I am convinced my daughter in law is a Narcissist. I know, mother in law jokes but I'm serious. There is a lot of trouble in the marriage because of NPD traits but I have never suggested to my son that his wife has NPD. 

How do I continue to learn about NPD, how do I tell my son and how do I communicate with my daughter in law? 

She has hurt and talked about every member of our family. No one likes her, not our family or his friends. The only reason anyone is in her company is because they love their brother/friend so much. 

What do I do? 

I sure need a friend to help me figure this out. 

Thanks,  

Patti 

First off , let me give you a hug .    

I know how it feels to be in that situation . I lived through hell growing up being the "bad child " while my sister was the " good one " because she fit the mold. I am 38 years old now and now realize my parents did the best they could with what they knew . I was the one always put into counseling . They never went with me. Everyone always tried to "fix" me. It was never successful , of course, because i wasnt what needed fixing. They still have not figured that part out and i see alot of my parents in yours, especially the denial aspect.  You deserve better than being labeled the "problem child" ( as i still am ). Go find yourself and be who you really are , not who they want you to be. I am still working on finding "me" so it does take time and effort but you are worth it so do it for yourself .   

Sincerely ,   

Jamie  

I was touched by Shannon's story. As a teenager I was taken to several different therapists with the "she's broke fix her" idea. While I have no idea what those people told my parents, the fact that I kept having to go to different ones leads me to believe that it wasn't what they wanted to hear.  There will be no resolution for this family until they each own up to their part of the problems. I saw that Shannon was willing to do that...I saw her parents scoffing at that and refusing to accept that they might have something to do with these problems. Trying to come off as martyrs who have done everything to "fix" their poor broken child and in fact only hurting her more.   

Shannon barely spoke through the entire episode, when she did it was to admit her wrongs. I thought it was ridiculous of the parents to say she conned Dr. Phil. How exactly did she accomplish that...in addition to being a master manipulator is she also gifted with mind control abilities?! The taped segments certainly didn't shine a flattering light on her...so THAT wasn't it.  

As a parent of two girls, ages 9 and 11, I can understand the frustration of the parents. I am by no means a perfect parent...not even close. I think family therapy in the way Dr. Phil suggested was right on target. Taking Shannon out of her home would not accomplish anything. I would also suggest that Shannon receive some personal therapy to work through the things that have happened in her life. Ultimatly, she has to live with herself. It may happen that the parents will never take ownership for their role in the family's problems, Shannon needs to be ready to accept that, but be able to see the reality of the situation. It took me almost 15 years to do it...with some help she could get there a lot sooner and live a very happy and productive life.  

I felt so horribly for Shannon.  I just wanted someone to wrap their arms around her and tell her she is loved.  How can this poor girl succeed in life when even her own father seems to have given up on her?  I was expecting more from Dr. Phil today, I expected him to be a bit harder on her parents.  They are obviously in denial and aren't willing to accept responsibility in the role's they have played in Shannon's behavioral problems.  All I heard from them was put downs and pointing fingers of blame at Shannon.   Shannon obviously is acting out for reasons they can't even begin to comprehend.  I hope Dr. Phil's offered counseling will help her parents come to their senses and actually think about HER, helping her, supporting her  vs.  selfishly thinking of only themselves.  It seemed as if they both just want her out of their house so they can get on with their new happy little lives.      

I truly believe if Shannon were in a loving, supportive home, she would be a completely different person.  She is misunderstood and it seems neither of her parents/stepmother  are willing to be mature adults and try to help Shannon and to make things right.  They just expect to TELL her to act differently and it will magically happen.  That poor, poor girl.  I saw no unconditional parental love from her father at all.  How do you just give up on your own child?  

Wishing Shannon the best of luck and sending warm hugs!  

You must be completely naive or totally out there, or watching another show. 

 Stepmother bashing? And you act surprised. Well good for you that you had a good relationship with YOUR stepparent but that isnt ALWAYS the case . Especially when the step parent takes over the reins and tries to tell a teen what to do . Do you not listen to what Dr pHil says about stepparenting?  YOU are the one in A FANTASYLAND so do NOT tell other people how to feel . You have some nerve calling other people WHINERS! Not everyone can see life through your rose colored glasses ! Shannon needed a stepmother at that time like a hole in the head. They took her to the therapists so they could "fix " her , not the FAMILY problem ! They ALL needed the help but poor Shannon paid the price for their idiotic denial .  

So please go back to your bubble and have  a nice fantasy life. 

I agree with Dr. Phil that the teen girl needs to modify her behavior.  However, with parents like that...... 

I have several children, one being a 13 year old girl who is a bit of a challenge.  Great kid, witty, smart and somewhat of a stinker.  Gotta roll with it, set boundaries, accept her and enjoy the person she is.  However, if this particular child of mine had to deal with a step like that (thankfully there are no step's in her life...she would make life pretty hard on them of that I am sure!), she would be the one to rebel terribly.  And lets remember that all teens cease to be human from about the age 13-18!  Jeezzz, I am not sure how they even function!!!  Throw this crap at one of the difficult ones and you have an eruption waiting to happen! 

The dad (if you could call him that) said her behavior has always been a bit off.  To start with, all kids are different and have their own personalities (with good and bad).  Secondly, if she was looking for attention, even bad attention, at the age of 4....that is THE PARENTS problem....so he has had parenting problems all along.  She is just the squeaky wheel that's all.  Not all kids are high maintenance, just like not all people are.  However, a bright, witty if not high-strung kid can be allot of fun if you learn to understand them, set boundaries and NEVER give such negative attention.   

That step should be ashamed at herself for verbalizing that she would not shed a tear if the girl died.  That is inhuman!  And the dad sat there trying to intellectualize it...what a jerk.  I am sorry, but I feel for this kid.  She got the shaft.  What she needs to do now however, is not label herself a victim though.  She is strong.  She needs to get away from these people and get strong.  Not make excuses...that is not gonna help her.  You know, these kinds of people can make some real changes and waves in the world...that is a cool thing.  Too bad parents like these can mess that 'specialness' up. 

Shannon, I hope you read this board and these posts. DO NOT let your family characterize all the opinions and words of advice as you "manipulating".  I'm sure that they will, but think logically-  can everyone who saw your story and posted supportively of you be wrapped around your finger? Dr. Phil,  America, (and I hope you) can see the situation pretty clearly. Your angry with good reason. No, it's not OK to let your anger get the best of you. I think you know that.  I also think you know that you don't want to live in chaos, and like Dr. Phil said that reaction is very situation specific. Your family may never  see that, let alone admit it. It's easier for them to cast you in the role of a tyrant, then their behavior is justifiable to them. I not sure of your age, but if your old enough to be in college I assume  you are over 18. You are a legal adult, you don't have to live in their home. You deserve to live peacefully. Some times to do this it means with distance physically and emotionally from family.  You are a strong person to have lived through the difficult life changes presented on the show today. Full grown adults have been known to "go off the deep end" with the lost of a parent. Not to mention all the challenges of this stepmom in your life so soon after your mom passed.  Don't allow them to put you down any further.  Find other living arrangements.  And then you set the terms of involvement with them. You have the power to say enough is enough and define your life your way.  I wish good luck and I have faith you will flourish in a supportive environment.