Topic : 08/02 "I Love Myself!"

I have never felt moved to write before but I can't help but write at this time.  This is a typical example of the step mother from - - - -.  This young woman has been through more than most of us could survive in the first place and that is the loss of our parent and on top of that you take her to a school and drop her off  for a YEAR!!!!!!!! What kind of monster are you.  I have step children and I would not dream of treating them the way you have.  And I think the father in this situation is deplorable.  I think the father and step-mother need to stand up and become the adults in this relationship.  Something is clearly wrong with this relationship and I am sorry to say that the father and step-mother are clearly the problems here.  Grow up and stop being selfish and help your child. And for heaven sake never leave her for a year.  And the stepmother needs to GROW UP.
 

You are exactly right about the self esteem thing.  She projects a strong sense of self esteem but if she was really that secure with herself she wouldn't date damaging men and be so concerned with being the center of attention. 

She does fall into several of the categories you listed previously.  I want to help her but don't know what more I can do.  I find myself emotionally and mentally drained from her drama. 

For the last month I have been avoiding all contact with her.  I have found that I am less stressed and happier.   

My most recent attempt to get her help via her doctor has failed.  I am out of options and am ready to give up this friendship forever.  Why do I feel guilty. 

I am literally shaking from my desk at work. I stayed home  today to watch as did other family members in anticipation of this show.This topic is more near and dear to my heart. For all of you out there with perfect kids and even the ones that have realized resolution from and out of control child, I am happy for you.  

   

For those of you who find no rest or respite from the life of raising a "Shannon".. my heart bleeds for you, at lease what is left of the blood that hasn't already been drained from my body!  

   

HOW DARE any of you not see the vial and demonic nature these children can possess. Weather it is biological, neurological, environmental or just plain oppositional conduct, FIND PITY for these parents.  

   

AGREE.. the step mom needs a heart transplant. But Dad, If only I could have reached through my TV screen and hugged him as well as the sibling I would have confirmed their fears, nightmares, and the realities that were blatantly denied them on National Television.  

   

Did I have wax in my ears when the quite humble statements were made that this child exhibited uncontrollable behavior since she was four? Did I hear the countless attempts to reach mental health providers as well as consult with the child of the limited options she is faced with in trying to survive in this chaotic world? I almost felt had the deceased Mother been present she too would have been the culprit of blame for the maladjustment and insensitivity towards this "child" who may I remind you is a young adult capable of emancipating herself from these accused thoughtless, selfish family if she can find a kinder more gentler world for which she can manipulate and destroy?  

   

Forgive me for not accrediting myself with a resume of a mother of an out of control child. I have denied myself of any happiness, watched the demise of my 20 year  marriage, rescue my younger sons daily if not hourly from the torment and abuse of my 15 year old daughter, who bu the way, I love with every inch of what is left of my well educated and now diminishing wellbeing.  

   

We too sent our daughter on the threatening request of local, county ans state therapeutic practitioners to a level 3 boarding facility, ironically the same program as Shannon only a different campus. We too were instructed to basically kidnap her with the intent of taking her on a vacation as well as having her physician medicate her prior to the road trip. We too had to leave our troubled child in the hands of so- called professionals and then asked to leave to await her return upon completing the "program". Wee too went a year without seeing or talking to our child because she failed to earn credential levels to warrant phone privileges as well as campus visitations. We too called the campus daily to keep a continuing pulse on the child we so desperately want to receive help...And then, we too had to pull our daughter from the program after 11 months of silence and her obvious ability to manipulate and and all participation in the program in order to receive privileges or be reunited with her family who were suffering hour by hour at the thought of her absence from the family home as well as the guilt we harbored at our perhaps complacent actions advised by professionals not to mention the $50,000 commitment to the program that ultimately led to the foreclosure of our home. Since it has come to the attention of the press that these"campuses" are no more than holding tanks for unruly youth. I can assure you from speaking with their "programmed" parents, Well marketed brochures, and a manipulative sensitive Web site aimed at parents in crisis.  

   

Were we right? Wrong question! Were we acting responsibly? Absolutely!  

   

I am no stranger to the corrupt and delinquent mental health system in our country. The disaster is greatly magnified when it comes to our children. The venue still remains in most of our municipalities.. the child either changes and adapts or the child is removed. Black and White.  No Process, no true intervention. Shear destruction of the struggling households and families just reaching out for the American Dream for their families only to be beaten alive by the system as well as your own child. Having children is a blessing, a privilege as well as the single largest sacrifice a woman can make. Finding joy only in the faces of once close friends who now stand in judgment of our parenting skills as they whisk off in their well vacuumed min-vans to soccer practice and Ballet recitals. I am at home behind locked doors checking caller IDs  for bill collectors,mentoring  what is left of my other two children and trying to keep my beautiful talented daughter from bludgeoning herself and others in order to deal with the demons that quite honestly remain a mystery to her as well as her practicing therapists.  

   

If there are any other parents out here with similar experiences and would like to be heard, consoled or just affirmed that sanity must lay with moral and emotional support, not guilt ridden introspection of our perceived failures.  

   

Please feel free to e-mail me at artfuldiva@nc.rr.com . Please subject your mail as MOM to MOM. And if you can find the courage, I am willing to do what it takes to find a way to get the attention of Dr. Phil and his staff to hear from the damaged souls who are only trying to cope with the challenges of raising our children with conflicting manuals of instruction and fear of loosing them to "Columbine", suicide,and the inept judicial system they will most Likley head towards once they completely reject our efforts as parents.  

   

My heart , my soul appreciate the time you took to read this post.  

Samsmom.  

   

Butt Out! You can't tell someone something like that. It will back fire on ya, then what will you lose? 

Sorry to be so blunt!  I think you should support your son, and if this girl is so terrible, her true colors will come out. Then when your son see's it on his own, and wants to talk to you about it, then you can talk to him. Until then, I think he would just be hurt by you, for speaking badly of his wife. Maybe he loves her just the way she is. Maybe she's the opposite of you, his mother, and he likes that part? You never know. 

To those of you that figured it out CONGRATS! 

SHANNON!, Grow up, get help, take some rsponsibiltiy, learn to have a realtionship with someone other than yourself. You are a young lady. Only YOU can screw up the rest of your life! Screw the stepmom.. Prove all of them wrong. GET REAL Shannon.. Be somebody. Your choice! 

Samsmon 

artfuldiva@nc.rr.com 

I have seen situations where a step-parent situation has worked out...those are the lucky kids.  More often than not though...the step-parent decides to step in and "fix" all that is wrong.  And there is nothing like a possessive, controlling step-mother.  Either she wins and the kid (s) get driven away and the step-mom gets the dad (this one looks like she is pretty smug about it too!)...or the marriage does not work out.  Looks like the unworthy child got the boot here doesn't it.

I have just found out that my boyfriend has NPD. I have yet to watch the show as it does not come on tell later here. I was hoping that Dr Phil would come out with some real info on NPD but from what I have read here it does not sound like it.   

   

As you watch the show I want you all to think about what it is like to live with someone who has no empathy, who will use words to confuse and abuse you. Being in this relaionship I have learned it is not an easy road and I am not sure if I will stay on it. Here is a list of the big 20 signs to watch for.  

   

1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, bluffs or threats when questioned. His memory is self serving as he denies past statements.
Defense Strategy: Verify his words. Do not reveal anything about yourself - he'll use it against you. Head for the door when things don't add up. Don't ask him questions - you'll only be inviting more lies.   

   

2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol are meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker. Enjoys orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim.
Defense Strategy: Expect him to disregard any agreement. Have Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.   

   

3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs his way to the top. His family a disposable prop in his success facade. Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in his field, but often fakes abilities and credentials. Needs to have iron-fisted control, relying on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of his ever-changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience. Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own Mephistophelian objectives, but this wheeler-dealer leaves them holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom.
Defense Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don't get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation. Be on the lookout and spot them running for office and vote them out. Educate yourself about corporate bullies   

   

4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support.
Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own.   

   

5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection.
Defense Strategy: Learn about projection. Don't take the bait when he blames you. He made the mess let him clean it up.   

   

6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST is a wife-Beater, Murderer, Serial Killer, Stalker, Terrorist. Has a 'chip-on-his-shoulder' attitude. He lashes out and destroys or uses others (particularly women and children) as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He has poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgement. He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment, imagines rejection and will reject first to 'get it over with'. He will harass and push to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others.
Defense Strategy: Don't antagonize or tip your hand you're leaving. Ask for help from the police and shelters.  

   

7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.
Defense Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don't bail him out.   

   

8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, this N does it. We see his over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and his need for instant gratification. Will want you to do likewise.
Defense Strategy: Don't sink to his level. Say No.  

   

9. OUR "SOUL MATE" is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a "new perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite. Our "Knight in Shining Armor" has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy.
Defense Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags of their behaviour, and "If he seems too good to be true..." Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him see it. Be watchful for the internet predator.  

   

10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often dirty, unkempt. Odd thinking is observed. Used as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever he can,  

   

11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He'll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking other people's assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerabie.
Defense Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a "No Contact' rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don't allow thoughts of his past 'good guy' image to lessen the reality of his disorder.   

   

12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so.
Defense Strategy: Manage your responses. Be fully independent. Don't take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional hurt. Volence is possible.  

   

13. THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often found in religion and politics. He masterfully targets the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or mentally weak.
Defense Strategy. Learn about brainwashing techniques. Listen to your gut instinct. Avoid them.  

   

14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark.
Defense Strategy: Don't get involved. Use your own good judgement. Say No.   

   

15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure or abandonment.
Defense Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence.  

   

16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his 'toys', his children, his wife, his credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear are his objective. He is never satisfied. We see his arrogance and haughty strut as he demands center stage. He will alter his mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears the the perfect father, husband, friend - to those outside his home.
Defense Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviours. Know his payoff is getting attention, deceiving or abusing others. Provide him with 'supply' to avert problems.   

   

17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable.
Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals.   

   

18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality. "Hang 'em high" he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying himself of high morals.
Defense Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Be suspicious of people claiming high morals. Can be spotted at a church near you.  

   

19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets. Early in the relationship he may 'slip up' revealing his nature saying "You need to protect yourself around me" or "Watch out, you never know what I'm up to." We laugh along with him and misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the devastation left behind, his victims recall the chilling warning.
Defense Strategy: Know the red flags and be suspicious of the intentions of others.   

   

20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says "I've behaved horribly, I'll change, I love you, I'll go for therapy." Appears to 'come clean' admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his words and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks. He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgement about his disorder. We can disregard "Fool me once..." We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if we allow him back in our lives.
Defense Strategy: Expect this. Self-impose a "No Contact" rule. Focus on the reality of his disorder. Journal past abusive behavior to remind yourself. Join a support group  

   

Now imagine living in this environment. The only way a person with NPD can be properly diagnosed is to have a NPI test given by a trained profesional. Remember, Just becasue someone is a jerk does not make him/her a Narcissist.   

I saw today's show and was very angry the way everyone wanted to put all the blame on Shannon.  Don't get me wrong she does have some blame.  The parent's were horrible the way they talked about Shannon, the way they tricked her, and then put all the pictures of her mother away.  It looks like the rest of the family finds it easier to put everything off on Shannon.  There should be some give from both Shannon and her parents.  More from her parent's though.  It was also very cruel that the way they went on with the wedding and on cruises without Shannon. 

  

  

I would like to see a show on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It was alluded to on the "I LOVE MYSELF!" episode but this teenager was apparently not diagnosed with the personality disorder. Maybe, Dr. Phil could spend more time on another show explaining NPD and how to deal with someone diagnosed with it. Is anyone else interested in this topic?

I have read your post and my heart goes out to you and your family. 

I grew up with a brother that was very much like your daughter. He's now 39 & still has to fight with his own demons everyday. It doesn't get easier, becuz when they get older, they can do alot more damage. The worrying never stops, and I'm just his sister!!  My mother & I wait in fear  for that dreaded phone call, that  I hope will never come. Maybe you know what phone call I speak of...waiting to hear from the police that your  loved one is no longer with you, or their in serious trouble.  My brother's  17 year old daughter is now very much like her father, and Im afraid she is going down his long, hard path of life. It's tough, it's scary, but there's not much you can do, until they see it on their own. It's hell and it's hard, but I hope your daughter grows out of it, for her sake and for the sake of your family. Best of Luck to you. 

Thank you for sharing.