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Topic : 07/27 Fighting Styles

Number of Replies: 166
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:07:11 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/01/06) Dr. Phil’s guests say they fight so much that fighting has become the only way they know how to communicate. But is there a right and wrong way to fight? Kim admits that she’s a screamer who often uses profanity in front of their kids. Her husband, Mike, says he’s a cerebral fighter who retaliates by calling her “mental” and “psycho.” Kim has reached such a boiling point that when she goes at it with her spouse, she throws the phone and smashes up picture frames! Can this couple learn to put down the gloves and call a truce? Then, Belinda’s screaming and hitting caused her husband, Gerald, to move across the country just to get away from her. Cameras caught the chaos when Gerald returned home in an effort to sort out their issues. Will reconciling with Belinda be the biggest mistake of his life? If you’re a feuding couple, don’t miss Dr. Phil’s Rules for Fighting Fair and talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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May 1, 2006, 9:30 am CDT

Appreciate your honesty

Quote From: geralding

What to say, what can be said. We have this vision in our minds of what love is and what it is, to be loved. Regardless of our past relationships or circumstances, we all want to be comforted and look to our significant other to make all of the bad things go away.  I am one the topics of todays show. I've been abused, abandoned, and through it all been conscious of my children's pain.   A child, while cannot articulate his or her feelings, experiences, learns from and later emulates everything the parents do. I often and still do, wonder with dread what will be the consequences of my wife's and I s' behavior. What kind of men will  my son's become?  

          My wife and I shared similar childhoods of abuse. My experience caused me to be come greatly passive to women. Hers greatly aggressive towards men. Through our faults we both love our children. As I would assume any parent would. However pain, alters perception. In the heat of the moment, in the height of our pain there is a natural response to lash out. To hurt because you are hurt. I was the passive in my relationship for many years. There were times however when I was so hurt, so confused and frustrated that I did scream back. Some how, my eyes would always connect with my sons. I could feel the fear , pain , and anger he was experiencing with me. What to do?  Leave? As I eventually did, teaching my children to run from there problems. Stay? As I did, teaching my children to  except some one  hurting them? My wife is a great mother. She works full time, has her own business and takes care of the children. (After school activities, homework, etc.) As Dr. Phil pointed out there was a lot pain her  in heart. It hurts to know that I could not heal that pain. It was often I suggested she seek help, but how do you show some one who loves you their hurt without them hating you for it?  What I took from Dr. Phil is that , in a nut shell I brought this pain and suffering on my self as well as my children. In that retrospect I spend most of my time contemplating the  future. What to do now?  

        I come from poverty. I do what I can to support my children financially. I'm trying to improve my financial status so that I can provide  them all the things and opportunities I did not have. Most importantly I did not have a family.The one thing I cannot provide them. So is my life over? I feel I have failed as a father. I fall to the back up belief that if I can at least achieve financial freedom. I can die with some honor and dignity. Our past dictated our present and the present dictates the future. 

After reading what you wrote I have to say that it is a breath of fresh air to see a man although who clearly has his faults, own up to his mistakes and give credit to his wife for the good she contributes to their family. People carry baggage with them throughout their lives whether it be abusive, poverty, family issues etc... The goal is to use the strength from those experiences and apply it to your life right now. It seems like you and your wife have communication Issues which is a very common problem in relationships today, but is not at all a reason to be away from each other. It seems that you are a very intelligent man who can express himself very well with words. Do you express yourself like this to her when you are face to face? Do you tell your wife that in spite of it all you appreciate her and thank her for taking care of your children? Everybody needs to hear that there doing a good job every once in-awhile ya know. I am a single mother myself and know how hard it is to be doing it all alone. It sounds like from your words and the emotions put into them that you may still really love her and that there could be a chance that your family can get back together..... You have not failed as a father your children are still young and they need you. You and your wife still have plenty of time to change your ways and be there for your kids and teach them how to deal with people and relationships, it's never too late. If you don't try then you will be teaching them to give up.  It must be a hard situation for both of you to have been abused and then to be together. It is hard in the heat of the moment to get caught up in it all and yell, scream, and even hit. Is it wrong? Of course it is, your children are witnessing it. Maybe not directly but children pick up on emotions and they can sense when Mommy or daddy is hurting. You have to stop contemplating the future and deal with the present. Do whatever you have to do to be the father you know they deserve. It is not going to be easy because it involves every aspect of your life changing. You have to ask your self am I living my life in away that my children would be proud of?, Am I working as hard as I can to Financially put myself in a better place to be able to provide for my children? Am I being respectful to my wife and to other woman around me? Am I being honest with myself and my feeling towards my life? Am I making good decisions on a day to day basis that would ensure my life becoming better. There is always something you can improve on in your life! You sound like you love your children a lot and your wife as well. It is time you start living your life for them, and what they need. Your job as parents is to give your children the tools and guidance needed to survive in the world, to be independent citizens, and most importantly to be good loving people who care about the world and other people. Your children will always need you, they need you right now. So if there is a chance that you and your wife can start a new chapter together one that includes better communication, honesty, love and respect then do it. You don't have to wait until your dead to have some honor and dignity you can have it right now!
 
May 1, 2006, 9:36 am CDT

05/01 Fighting Styles

Quote From: geralding

What to say, what can be said. We have this vision in our minds of what love is and what it is, to be loved. Regardless of our past relationships or circumstances, we all want to be comforted and look to our significant other to make all of the bad things go away.  I am one the topics of todays show. I've been abused, abandoned, and through it all been conscious of my children's pain.   A child, while cannot articulate his or her feelings, experiences, learns from and later emulates everything the parents do. I often and still do, wonder with dread what will be the consequences of my wife's and I s' behavior. What kind of men will  my son's become?  

          My wife and I shared similar childhoods of abuse. My experience caused me to be come greatly passive to women. Hers greatly aggressive towards men. Through our faults we both love our children. As I would assume any parent would. However pain, alters perception. In the heat of the moment, in the height of our pain there is a natural response to lash out. To hurt because you are hurt. I was the passive in my relationship for many years. There were times however when I was so hurt, so confused and frustrated that I did scream back. Some how, my eyes would always connect with my sons. I could feel the fear , pain , and anger he was experiencing with me. What to do?  Leave? As I eventually did, teaching my children to run from there problems. Stay? As I did, teaching my children to  except some one  hurting them? My wife is a great mother. She works full time, has her own business and takes care of the children. (After school activities, homework, etc.) As Dr. Phil pointed out there was a lot pain her  in heart. It hurts to know that I could not heal that pain. It was often I suggested she seek help, but how do you show some one who loves you their hurt without them hating you for it?  What I took from Dr. Phil is that , in a nut shell I brought this pain and suffering on my self as well as my children. In that retrospect I spend most of my time contemplating the  future. What to do now?  

        I come from poverty. I do what I can to support my children financially. I'm trying to improve my financial status so that I can provide  them all the things and opportunities I did not have. Most importantly I did not have a family.The one thing I cannot provide them. So is my life over? I feel I have failed as a father. I fall to the back up belief that if I can at least achieve financial freedom. I can die with some honor and dignity. Our past dictated our present and the present dictates the future. 

There is a difference between a family split up but all still living in reasonable proximity and a family where you live across the country from each other.  You could still be a father and give your children a sense of family if you live close to them.  If you live across the country, you become the equivalent of an uncle. 

  

Money is important, but having a father is wa-a-ay more important. 

 
May 1, 2006, 9:51 am CDT

Hmm, good or bad

Hello everybody. Believe me I've been in this situation and it isn't fun, but right now I am in the best relationship I've ever been a part of. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and we have never once yelled or screamed at eachother. Technically we've never really had an argument. When either of us gets annoyed we tell the other and we talk. We've both been badly hurt in the past so I guess we both know that screaming at eachother just isn't going to work.  One thing we said right at the begining is that we aren't mind readers, if something is wrong we each need to be told. I'm so glad that I have found a man who is mature enough to do so and who has no screaming or yelling problems.
 
May 1, 2006, 10:54 am CDT

FAIR

opinion of 1st couple on mondays show.    i question the hope for this couple because, he was able to cry when viewing their actions on the big screen.   she on the other hand couldn't mustard up a tear.    i think when you can't cry, your done with a situation.   and.......here's a qoute for you madam......FAIR IS A PLACE YOU GO TO RIDE RIDES!         keeping that qoute in my head has helped me to cool down when i get really angry about fairness.      we're in the game of LIFE and there's nothing fair about that,  try to keep it together till you can be in a better place with God, then things will be fair. 

 
May 1, 2006, 12:30 pm CDT

Happy I'm me

I sit here in my own safe secure comfortable liittle world and literally cringe while watching the couple fight. You couldn't pay me enough to ever gp through that again! It's nothing less than torture to watch the way they go at each other. I really do hope that they get the help they need but I don't hold out much hope.They crossed a line that may be very hard to change.Once the husband enlisted his family to pile on his wife too , it's  gone way too far.
 
May 1, 2006, 1:09 pm CDT

05/01 Fighting Styles

Is it just me or did the first wife get off really easy? I mean she was clearly the aggressor during the fights, and she was doing all the screaming and cursing in front of her child..and then she gave him that speech on how she's a good mother..i felt sorry for the husband who just had to sit there and take it because he was getting it from dr phil. And she was also the one using sex as a controlling tool...how manipulative is that! Im not saying the husband didnt do anything wrong..but she was clearly the one doing the damage to her child. u can also tell her husband was a nicer sincere person(im not just saying that because he cried)..she just seemed evil..
 
May 1, 2006, 1:09 pm CDT

Info for the 1st Couple

Hi,  

I am always shocked that Dr Phil doesn't want to just read a book to increase his brain power ...........Like you tell everyone else Phil... JUST DO IT  Just learn that not all Attention Deficit is
Hyperactive  

   

Phil   READ DR AMENS Book  HEALING ADDHD!!!  For God sakes the world really needs you to grasp this  ASTONISHING information that can help so many people.  

   

Example here...   The first couple who fight all of the time...  

   

CLEARLY the husband is undiagnosed     ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER   with Overfocused and possible LIMBIC ISSUES  

   

His lack of Empathy is A SYMPTOM  

His inappropriate talk with his mom and his sister is A SYMPTOM  

His TOTAL inability to see his self as he really is .... Again a SYMPTOM!  

Needs to create RAGE   again a symptom...  

   

Much of the rage is the the diagnose is ONLY because the brain is not firing from one side to the next and rage makes a person with Attention Deficit  ( NOT WITH THE HYPERACTIVE COMPONENT) person's brain fire... Literallyb it makes US FEEL THAT WE ARE THINKING.  

   

Folks with Overfocused ADD  Limbic issues DON't remember lessons learned and OFTEN REPEAT THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN AND AGAIN and are so sorry each time.     

   

Often they are so sincerly sorry that even the most mentally healthy person will stay when then otherwise wouldn't.   

   

The wife could be reacting to years of disapointinment which can begin to look like Borderline tendancies... The out of control throwiing and cusing...  

   

There are natural helps for this...  and prescriptions for this...  

   

This is exactly the way  my relationship was until we got help  then it magically stoped.  

   

We started Adderall 5 mg one time a day and have not had a RAGE fight in nearly 9 months..    

   

Please if you the couple read this or Dr Phil reads this...  

   

Know that  Attention Deficit is not  just the one where folks are hyperactive... that is the easy one to spot...  

   

Those of us who are overfocused...  who have limic issues and temporal lobe issues.. Need a little  

help from the GREAT information of healing that Dr Amen is bringing to the forfront.  

   

Here are a couple excerpts about the 6 different kind of Attention Defict Disorders there are...  

   

OVERFOCUSED ADD: It is difficult to parent or live with someone with this type of Attention Deficit Disorder. The overfocused person can be oppositional, arguementive and inflexible. They can be obsessive, compulsive and worry excessively. They have a tendency to get stuck into ruts of negativity. What’s worse is that this type is often incredibly persistent and will not give up until he gets his way.

Overfocused characteristics:
_ Worries excessively, even over unimportant matters.
_ Oppositional..
_ Arguementive.
_ Compulsive.
_ Has difficulty shifting from one activity to another.
_ Always wants his way.
_ Is rigid and uncompromising.  

   


TEMPORAL LOBE: The "Temporal Lobe" type has ADHD coupled with anxiety. This is another difficult type of ADD to parent or live with. This type is inattentive, irritability, aggressive and severely impulsive. They have dark thoughts and wild mood swings. They are defiant, disobedient and break rules for the simple sake of breaking rules. If aggression and anger outbursts are present, you likely fall into this category of Attention Deficit.

"Temporal Lobe" Characteristics:
_ Easily irritated or frustrated.
_ Aggressive.
_ Dark moods.
_ Significant mood swings.
_ Impulsivity.
_ Prone to fights and acts of violence.
_ Defiant toward authority figures.
_ Can display anti-social behavior.
_ Learning problems and bad handwriting common with this type.


LIMBIC: In addition to having the symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder, this type also has depression symptoms like low energy, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness and negativity. This type may appear apathetic and not much excites this type.

"Limbic" Characteristics:
_ Inattentive.
_ Chronic sadness.
_ Often negative or apathetic.
_ Low energy levels.
_ Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness or low self-worth.

"RING OF FIRE": The "Ring of Fire" type of Attention Deficit Disorder is a melting pot of the other five types. This type is inattentive, hyperactive and talks constantly but also is, angry, irritable and prone to mood swings. This type can be extremely oppositional, obsessive and overly sensitive.

He may be talking all of the time, and is probably touching everything in the room. And, this child is nervous or worried, or anxious. He has trouble shifting attention from one activity to another, and he frequently "gets stuck" in loops of negative thoughts. He can be obsessive, and very inflexible.
"Ring of Fire" Characteristics:
_ Oppositional behavior.
_ Irritability.
_ Excessive talking.
_ Temper problems.
_ Extreme moodiness.
_ Distractibility.
_ People with this type tend to be sensitive to sounds.  

   

   

-------------  

   

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) is a national health crisis that continues to grow—yet it remains one of the most misunderstood and incorrectly treated illnesses today.   

  

Now, using breakthrough diagnostic techniques, Dr. Daniel Amen has discovered that there are six distinct types of ADD, each requiring a different treatment.  


Dr. Phil........ COME ON!  About time you realize that there is alot more going on with peoples behavior than just choosing to have bad behavior..  

  

There is more than just telling them to stop it...  

  

I tried to stop raging and couldn't and I am so dedicated to be enlightened...  

  

My BRAIN WAS MAKING ME RAGE and my Partner RAGE..  

  

Now we are able to work on our marriage   

  

Please do the homework and READ  Dr AMENS WORK and bring it to the world.. WE NEED YOU TO  

  

  

Anita Lynn  

  

AnitaAndDavis@aol.com  

   

 
May 1, 2006, 1:18 pm CDT

*blink*

 Wow. After watching the first couple on the show fighting....I just can't get over how much both of them looked like 13 year olds.

We all fight and we all make mistakes, but her calling him a M.F. and having him kick his legs in the air and mock her....it'd be almost laughable if it weren't for the kids being there.  Maturity goes a long way in relationships.

Wow.
 
May 1, 2006, 1:53 pm CDT

HELP !!!!

Me and my fiancee have a one year old, and he was also married before. He is also 11 years older than me. Well one day his daughter called him up and asked him if she could come live with us, she is 14. Of course daddy says ok. well all of a sudden she starts picking at me for every little thing I do, she has called me names and I try not to lash out, but she does know what shes doing, and then I maybe say some stuff  that I shouldn't, Well anyway me and my fiancee fight about this all the time, he takes her side ALL THE TIME, no matter what she does and says its ok,, shes a kid he says, well everything is my fault, and i mean EVERYTHING !!!!  my mouth , my attitude, etc. we try not to fight around her, but it doesn't work, we are down stairs and she is upstairs, and she can hear everything we say, At this point in my life i dont know if I want to be with him, cuz of her. We also have issues with him belittling me, and she of course hears that, so when she gets mad then she calls me a b_ _ _ _ and tells me where to go,, my fiancee has a real problem with calling me names and everything is my fault all the time,, and also If I dont do it , it doesnt get done. and Im sick of it!!!!!!!!  He is never at fault with anything, his daughter either. what ever she does and says its ok!! He always says Be the adult, and I have tried, but I cant handle it anymore    HELP !!
 
May 1, 2006, 2:07 pm CDT

I saw myself today

I saw myself today in the first couple. I am a combination of both of them. I yell, I am mean, I am condescending, I curse and I am selfish. I had a "lightbulb moment" while watching today's show and before it was over I called my husband at work and apologized to him for a what a jerk I have become. He kindly accepted my apology and said how much he loves me and doesn't want our marriage to end. He wants to go to marriage counseling if that's what it takes. I have been holding on to resentments from the past for about 5 years now and I have decided to let them go. It is not worth it and I do not want to become one of the 50% of marriages that fail. Luckily his daughter lives with her mother and my daughter is 19 and has her own apartment, I say this because at least my bad behavior hasn't hurt the children. Thank you Dr. Phil for holding the mirror up to my face today. I feel like I've been given a second chance at changing back to the loving, caring, accepting person I was when I first met and fell in love my husband.
 
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