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Topic : 07/27 Fighting Styles

Number of Replies: 166
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:07:11 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/01/06) Dr. Phil’s guests say they fight so much that fighting has become the only way they know how to communicate. But is there a right and wrong way to fight? Kim admits that she’s a screamer who often uses profanity in front of their kids. Her husband, Mike, says he’s a cerebral fighter who retaliates by calling her “mental” and “psycho.” Kim has reached such a boiling point that when she goes at it with her spouse, she throws the phone and smashes up picture frames! Can this couple learn to put down the gloves and call a truce? Then, Belinda’s screaming and hitting caused her husband, Gerald, to move across the country just to get away from her. Cameras caught the chaos when Gerald returned home in an effort to sort out their issues. Will reconciling with Belinda be the biggest mistake of his life? If you’re a feuding couple, don’t miss Dr. Phil’s Rules for Fighting Fair and talk about the show here.

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May 1, 2006, 3:09 pm CDT

My thoughts on the 1st Couple

I am mad that the first couple didnt get it, or atleast SHE didnt. That is, unless she hides her emotions quite well. They both are at fault, but ATLEAST he got it. She was a cold stone...   I feel so sorry for those children. That was me growing up and trust me, it is sad.
 
May 1, 2006, 3:13 pm CDT

Belinda needs to find herself again...

Belinda needs to find herself again.  I don't mean this rude but I was in the exact same situation.  I didn't want it to end, I thought it was "him" who needed the help.  But really it was me who lost myself in all the fighting and stress. I too had to deal with "him" on the phone with other woman, and I followed my gut feeling and was right.  He wasn't being true!!  I did get anger management and NOT for him but for myself.  It destroyed me to feel all the hurt and deceit in the relationship because I too had the hopes of a happy family.  Once I went to anger management I learned to love myself, and developed a lot more respect for myself, which has helped me from hitting anyone at all.  I looked like a phsyco (hitting him) to others but they now see it was the heart acting out not the brain!    

   

I'm still not with him and I would not go back to him, with all the love and respect I've developed by fighting back by working towards a successful life.  I am now a successful, single, young mother with a job in accounting.  I find more happiness just knowing that I can provide a good life for my daughter, than being miserable trying to "get along" for the kids.    

   

Belinda the best thing for you is to leave him and do it yourself, your pretty young and strong,  True love doesn't make you cry or mad.  Take it as a stepping stone and work on yourself so the next man who will respect you completely (vice versa tho), will last the lifetime your looking for.    

 
May 1, 2006, 3:21 pm CDT

Deja vu

 I can fully relate to the second couple, sadly I missed the first.  But they too sound like me.  I have always been on guard in relationships and feel that I need to be aggressive to get my point across.  I guess I related to Belinda.  In the midst of the "drama", it is all about saying the most to inflict pain because at this point in the "drama" it is about making the person feel as bad as you feel inside.  And it is the point of losing control of the situation that you are most trying to hold onto.  You try to be the controller, but you are the most out of control. 

THAT IS ME......and in the midst of the "drama" you know that it's wrong and hurtful, but at the time you are powerless.  This is not to excuse the other person's actions.  It is worse if they don't fight back.  It is worse if they ignore you and deny your feelings.  And with my kids father it is often one of us provoking the other.  My daughter's sadly are used to our way of "communicating." 

We have played this tug of war for over 10 years on and off.  I left him and tried to start my life and wanted a calmer more peaceful relationship.  But, surprise.....I take the same baggage with me to the next. 

I wish I had been on the Dr. Phil show, because I would love some knowledge and help as to why I respond the way I do. I know that it is caused by my parents way of communicating and their divorce when I was 15.

I have begun to pray, walk away, and stop and count when provoked or drawn into the drama.  But I know how Belinda feels.  I also know that being cheated on is very hurtful and very hard to get over.  I think having that happen caused many more woulnds that I truly know.

All we can do is be reponsible for our own actions.  We can't control others and how they react or don't.  And how we allow others to treat us however disrespectfully.  Old patterns are difficult to change......But as for me, I will do my best.  Watching this show is like watching myself.  If for no one else, I will for my daughters.....
 
May 1, 2006, 3:24 pm CDT

How very sad

I am a very lucky woman I have a wonderful husband and we very rarely fight. I am sitting here in tears as I watch the show and the little one having to watch his parents act like high school children. What kind of example is that ? I am a mother as well I know I am not a perfect parent by any means but I would never behave like that in front of my children!!!
 
May 1, 2006, 3:44 pm CDT

ONE MORE THING! GO HAVE SOME DATES!!

To the first couple, One More Thing.  Go have regular Dates with EACH OTHER- of course.  It may help you become friends and see the spark again.  Without the children! At least mostly!  Dress up for the occasions.  Hey, Bald can be sexy!  It's the fire in the furnace that counts, and how he treats you.   

 
May 1, 2006, 3:53 pm CDT

showing appreciation

Okay I only caught a bit of the first couple but the part I caught was for the husband to show appreciation to the wife and for the wife to validate the husband.........my question is how?!?  I thought I was validating my husband by cooking, cleaning and looking after the house and household business.........sadly I am mistaken.can anyone help and give me ideas..
 
May 1, 2006, 3:53 pm CDT

Kim

Mike is verbally & emotionally abusing you, & playing passive aggressive mindgames.  How dare he mislead his relatives into thinking you're a bad mother!  He intentionally does & says what you don't like because he ENJOYS PUSHING YOUR BUTTONS.  And, to quote Dr. Phil from other shows, "you pay off like a slot machine!"    

   

For the sake of your CHILD & your sanity, STOP reacting to him pushing your buttons.  Stop yelling & throwing things, especially in front of your child!  Stop calling him names!  Take the high road.  And put yourself in the mindset of who cares what he thinks of you!  He's your ABUSER & he also has a gambling/financial problem.  He likes to put YOU down to deflect from his serious problems.  

   

You obviously love him, but IMO you'd be better off without him!  Verbal & emotional abuse is a serious problem where he needs at least a year of counseling with a counseler especially trained in these issues.   

   

P.S.  I think Dr. Phil's telling you, a sufferer of abuse to "grow up!" was very insensitive.  Although if Dr. Phil means "grow up" in the sense of don't argue in front of your child, I totally agree with that.  

 
May 1, 2006, 4:01 pm CDT

Gerald

Belinda is too psychologically & emotionally damaged to be in a relationship with ANYONE until she gets counseling & works thru the demons of her past.  You did the right thing to move across the country!  And you were wrong if you cheated on her!  But you still seem to have one foot in & one foot out of the relationship.  I would take BOTH feet out of the relationship & only consider getting back together if Belinda has had a year or so of intense counseling.
 
May 1, 2006, 4:08 pm CDT

Need advice,

question to all,  

I'm pregnant and My husband really doesn't know how to  talk to a pregnant women i'm 5 months through and i'm scared to even talk to him because his answer is to lay down and ignore the whole situation. I'm even scared to fight with him and i know holding in feelings isn't good.  

But i don't want my baby who can hear now in my stomach to hear us fighting. is he doing the right thing by just laying on the bed and going to sleep or am i doing the right thing by trying to talk it out yet i cry when it turns into a fight we don't slap but he sure uses a bit of verbal insults he shouldn't use when the baby can hear inside. How do i communicate and if we do fight should i be worried about the baby hearing or does it not understand words just tones.  

Being sensitive because of pregnancy can start alot of fights any tips?  

 
May 1, 2006, 4:11 pm CDT

I was the child they fought in front of

I am 32 and my dad was Kim.  My dad was even Mike because of his high expectations. 

  

Kim & Mike - please let my story been your wake-up call 

  

My siblings and I were in the middle of all fights between my parents.  I still do find myself trying to stop my dad from screaming at my mom.  If I had to tell you what one thing I remember most about my childhood it would have to be my dad yelling.  It's not the family trips, the summer swims, school, friends, snowball forts, or games.  It's the yelling.  I don't know what he yelled about most days.  I don't think he does either.  I also remember my dad calling my mom names like stupid, lazy and dumb and bit%$.   

  

In my teens I began disrespecting my mom in the same way I saw my dad do my whole life.  I began yelling and calling her names.  I feel sad now looking back how hurtful that can be but I did it without thinking how it might affect her because I thought it was OK since my dad did it. 

  

As I moved away to collge and had one of many serious relationships I continued to yell.  I became my dad.  My nightmare.   

  

When I moved back after college and even on college breaks, I had been away from the yelling so long it took a while for me to get used to it.  To not cry when I heard it.  I still feel like that 8 year old kid when ever I hear my dad yell.  I feel small, hurt, helpless and scared and I am 32!!! 

  

Kim -please don't let my unplesant memories be what your kids remember.  Please stop the cycle now.  Because of my history I have turned toward finding a husband that was the complete opposite of my dad.  My husband doesn't yell and would die before calling me a name. 

  

Luckily for me, I saw the light while in a relationship in college.  I don't know what he said or did to change my view but I realized the yelling was really....dumb...and not worth the effort.  I now "argue" in a very respectible manner.  More like a discussion really.  In fact I really don't think my husband and I fight but rather discuss opinions.  Since we are both head strong we have to agree to disagree many times. 

  

I can't begin to express the hurt I have because of all the yelling when I was growing up.  I can't begin to express the damage it has done to my mother's self esteem but she married him not me.   

  

It got so bad when I was 8 or 9 that my older sister and I were so sick of the yelling that WE wanted our parents to get a divorce.  We even made up a test for our parents to take to tell them if they should divorce or not (no joke).  If that wasn't an outcry from us as children I don't know what was, but it didn't stop.  It hasn't stopped. 

  

Please don't do it.  When I saw your tape I felt like the child again...watching my dad yell at my mom.  It will never go away.  The fear, the hurt, the sadness but mostly the anger I have towards my dad as a grown adult for doing it to us and my mom for not stopping him. 

 
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