Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

I was informed about a book to read for all newly weds...its called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. This book has really opened our eyes and I was wondering if you "Dr Phil" have read this wonderful book? I haven't heard any comments about how to improve ones love life referring to this book or its teachings. If you haven't read it, in my opinion, it would be worth while. Let me know please...thank you .....Myles and Barbara Stillman 

at the begining of the show, Dr. Phil said that the kids might need to leave the room.  At 12 and 13, i felt that the boys are old enough to hear some things.  However, when Dr Phil was reading the Chez Chrissy menu I realized there were things that the boys didn't need to hear....  

now  the 12 y/o wants to know what "rump roast" means.  do i explain that, or just let it go...frankly, i'm not even sure what it means on that menu!!! 

Hi jenport.  My hat is off to you - FIVE kids is a huge job to work 24/7, as I'm sure you do!!   

I totally understand your feelings being crushed when your husband said he's not as attracted to you because of the extra weight.  I know how that hurt, really I do. And unfortunately you are in the place in life where you have so little time for yourself that I know losing weight and getting enough exercise can be very difficult.     

You are right, true beauty is on the inside.  It is even more important to have that true beauty in yourself and your partner in later years when outer beauty fades with age.  But for now, here is something worth remembering...Men and woman are so different in all areas, but especially when it comes to sex.  Women are turned on by what the hear and feel emotionally from their men, but men are turned on strictly by what they see with their own two eyes.  They can't help it - they are just hardwired this way.     

I know that is not fair, but there you are.  So, as mothers who have given birth to multiple children and wear the effects on our bodies what are we to do????  First, even though his attitude hurt your feelings, don't blame him for being who he was born to be (a man).  He really can't help that he is a visually stimulated creature.  And while there are lots of men who love bigger women, he is apparently not one of them.  So....don't take it personally!    

Second, instead of wasting any energy being hurt or feeling unloved make a commitment to yourself to love yourself better.  When we love ourselves better we naturally take better care of ourselves.  Don't wait for him or anyone else to motivate you to lose weight - find that motivation inside yourself.  Set small goals every day to make yourself a priority in your own life.  When he sees you doing that and being less unhappy with him I really believe his attraction will be revived.   

Don't make the mistake of getting stuck in the sadness and anger!  Accept what is and set about taking steps to change the parts of your reality you don't like.     

Try to remind yourself every day about the things you love about your husband, work on keeping those loving feelings going so that you don't stay angry at him for making you feel rejected.  Intimacy is hard to acheive when we don't feel emotionally safe enough to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, I know.  But take back your control over this situation by refusing to feel like a victim or a reject.  Refuse to see yourself that way and certainly don't act that way.  You can do this!!! I will be pulling for you :)   

p.s.  just in case this helps you with losing weight here is how my doctor helped me to lose 24 pounds in the last 6 months:  Within 15 minutes of getting up in the morning you must eat a bite of something protein. (I usually have a teaspoon of peanut butter or a little block or cheese).  Then, within an hour or two eat a full breakfast.  Throughout the day you MUST eat 6 bites of something every 2 hours- this is the secret to keeping your body from holding onto its fat because you never give it a chance to think it is hungry.  Then eat dinner at least 3 hours before bedtime.  While you are trying to lose the weight you have to give up all breads, pototoes, pasta and rice (I KNOW, a real sacrifice for most of us women!) Oh, and no oatmeal or cereals.  I never feel deprived because I am eating all day and I really have lost 24 lbs without it killing me to do so.  Hope some of what I have written helps you!!!   

(been married for 16) because he didn't want to listen to me when I told him what he needed and I got tired of "servicing" him and not getting anything out of it.  How can you get anything out of it when it lasts for 2 minutes start to finish, no foreplay, he's done and rolling over, and you're just thinking of getting started, but he doesn't care.  Orgasm?  Forget it.  He didn't care as long as he had his, whether I was satisfied or not was of no concern to him.   

 I now have 4 lovers, 2 married, 2 single.  They came on to me, not me to them.  The 2 married ones have wives that either won't put out at all,  or put out once a month--if that, but he can tell she's only doing it because he wants it, she doesn't enjoy it.  They are starving--not so much for sex but for attention to them as a person, and most of all, the affection that they are deprived of at home.  Their wives do not appreciate what they do for them, and both are staying in the marrige because it would cost them too much financially to leave and start over, one being in their mid 40's and the other early 60's.  They bend over backwards for their women, but are treated like crap in the bedroom.  The 40 something has offered to go to counseling with his wife but she refuses since to her there is no problem.