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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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suchajewel

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May 5, 2006, 7:38 pm PDT

I'm with you

Quote From: abbywill

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. When he was at his sexual peak at 21 - I was there for him - having sex whenever, where ever he felt like it. Now we are in our 40's. I am at my peak - and he is not. I have experienced his rejection more then I would like to admit. He claims to be "Too tired" - "bad timing" - "worried about our children hearing us" - We live like we are brother and sister. No screaming or fighting, but hardly any sex. I always have to initiate it and then I am sadly rejected. We have spoken about it - he thinks something is wrong with me - I went to the doctor and was told I'm normal. I even asked him if he had a girlfriend or if he was gay. To both questions the response was "no". Any other women having this problem? I am not over weight - although he is. Yet I still desire him. Any suggestions? I am at the end of my rope.

I have the same situation. My husband has no desire for sex or hardly even talking to me anymore. He has no desire to be intimate and it has been 1 1/2 years since he touched me. When confronted, he says that he is too stressed and too out of shape. He refuses to see a doctor. I hate the idea of separation, yet I am so lonely it drives me crazy. I am 42 and he is 45. The rest of my life is great. I enjoy my children. I am going back to school. I just hate living like brother/sister or as housemates.
I don't believe in divorce yet a lifetime like this seems very long.

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purplepain

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May 5, 2006, 7:47 pm PDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: ses_anne

Thank you. Nice to feel I have someone on my side! It often feels like the whole world is against me! Am enjoying the chance to air this subject and see the feedback.

So why is having no sex drive a problem? I have no desire for popcorn during a movie, so should I go and get 'fixed' for that problem too? 'Normal' people love popcorn with a movie, so I obviously have a problem that needs to be 'fixed'.

I'm happy without the sex. If I was depressed I would want to change, as I would be unhappy. I don't long for sex or a sex drive. Why is that something that I should go and get 'fixed'??

I'm not talking about "normal" as in tastes in things or styles or favorites.

I'm talking about a normal biological urge. If that is missing there is a reason it's missing. If you really don't want to fix it, more power to you I guess. But it does affect your relationships. Your husband is exhibiting patience but he might be very hurt inside. My husband went through a time of low sex drive. He still struggles with it but he has found things that help him. I would never demand sex from my husband. I can get off on my own, that isn't the issue. But sex IS a part of a romantic relationship. Even if you don't like intercourse there are other paths to sexual affection. You may not need it for whatever reason (there is a reason, sex is a part of our biology, loss of sex drive isn't a taste or preference...there is a physiological reason you have no drive) but your husband does need that part of a romantic relationship.

I'm trying to make sure you understand that I DO NOT think that giving sex to him when you don't want it is a good idea...that is never a good idea. But, exploring WHY you have no drive wouldn't hurt you, might be good for you, would be VERY good for your relationship and you just might find that you enjoy it.

All I'm saying is that it can't hurt to try. If you really don't want to ever try then you should tell you husband so he isn't holding out for something that will never be. If it's a deal breaker for him then you should let him split up from you with out hassle.

I just can't see how it would hurt you to try.

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judyblue22

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May 5, 2006, 8:11 pm PDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: purplepain

I'm not talking about "normal" as in tastes in things or styles or favorites.

I'm talking about a normal biological urge. If that is missing there is a reason it's missing. If you really don't want to fix it, more power to you I guess. But it does affect your relationships. Your husband is exhibiting patience but he might be very hurt inside. My husband went through a time of low sex drive. He still struggles with it but he has found things that help him. I would never demand sex from my husband. I can get off on my own, that isn't the issue. But sex IS a part of a romantic relationship. Even if you don't like intercourse there are other paths to sexual affection. You may not need it for whatever reason (there is a reason, sex is a part of our biology, loss of sex drive isn't a taste or preference...there is a physiological reason you have no drive) but your husband does need that part of a romantic relationship.

I'm trying to make sure you understand that I DO NOT think that giving sex to him when you don't want it is a good idea...that is never a good idea. But, exploring WHY you have no drive wouldn't hurt you, might be good for you, would be VERY good for your relationship and you just might find that you enjoy it.

All I'm saying is that it can't hurt to try. If you really don't want to ever try then you should tell you husband so he isn't holding out for something that will never be. If it's a deal breaker for him then you should let him split up from you with out hassle.

I just can't see how it would hurt you to try.

If you really don't want to ever try then you should tell you husband so he isn't holding out for something that will never be. If it's a deal breaker for him then you should let him split up from you with out hassle.

I do think that what you have pointed out is a key point, purplepain. I don't think it is a problem to choose to live a sexless life. I don't think it is a problem for a couple to choose to live a sexless life. If people are happy-truly happy-without sex, then I see no problem with that choice. However, it has to be a choice that both make and it just isn't fair to impose sexlessness on a partner without consent just like it isn't fair to impose sex on a partner without consent.

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blgspc

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May 5, 2006, 8:12 pm PDT

'Love for Sale'?

“Food Platter…Surcharge”?!?

Oh, Geez! Now you know this guy,Ben, has just gotta REALLY be looking forward to those, bi-annual, ‘Moonlight Madness Sales’! LOL!

Like the old country song goes, "And, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors."

I wonder if she accepts credit cards?

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jackie33

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May 5, 2006, 8:18 pm PDT

Our Solution

My husband and I are very different. I have no sex drive but he is in high gear. We used to fight about sex all the time. We even went to counceling with our pastor. Every time my husband would say "we never do it", and I would say "yes we did". It was a never ending battle. Finally I bought my husband a pocket calander and some gold star stickers. I told him he had to mark his calander each day that we did do it so that he could in fact look back and see that we did. And I also peek at his calander to see if maybe it has been a while. This way he sees that he is getting some and I can see when I might need to step it up. We also try to give each other 'advance warning'. If we tell each other the day before that we might be interested then we know what to expect. We don't just spring it on each other at the end of the day when we might be too exhasted. He has stopped begging and I do not feel presured into it. The fighting has stopped and now we can just enjoy each other.

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judyblue22

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May 5, 2006, 8:18 pm PDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: sigsmom

Because I felt the same way until I actually tried some of the ideas. I ranted and raved about what an idiot this woman was-that she seems to be living in the stone age-or unevolved as you say-I could have written your post prior to applying some of the ideas. It is a very conservative view that she had toward marriage-but it has and will help some women (and men) with their marriages.

It will help some women and some men add deception to their marriages. It will help some couples move away from being authenticly together in the moment. It will help some couples learn to lie with cleverly manufactured replicas of their spouse, trained to appear to respond to things they aren't responding to.

It might help keep up the appearance of a marriage but no one could say that THAT helps marriage.

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indigo77

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May 5, 2006, 8:19 pm PDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: purplepain

I have never ever ever ever understood how some men can have sex with their wife when they KNOW that their wife doesn't want to.

How can that possibly be enjoyable? Then add in paying for it? SICK!

Purplepain,

Are you serious?

Marriage is rape hell for women! Men have no mercy, compassion or sensitivity. Where is a man who cares if a woman wants sex or not. Sex is expected, demanded and forced on women. I honestly don;t see hiow men can even hold their heads up or look at themselves in the mirror!

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purplepain

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May 5, 2006, 8:31 pm PDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: indigo77

Purplepain,

Are you serious?

WOW! Honey, no no no!

Not all men are that way! Don't stereotype. It's very easy to fall into that trap but, please, don't!

There are PLENTY of men out there who aren't this way. Men who want to have mutual sexual experiences. I'm married to one, many women here will back me up!

(Unless this is a parody or sarcasm...if it is I missed it, sorry)

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purplepain

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May 5, 2006, 8:34 pm PDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: judyblue22

It might help keep up the appearance of a marriage but no one could say that THAT helps marriage.

And not sexy deception either...you know, when you are going commando and your husband doesn't know it...right away...LOL *raises eyebrow*

(Thank you for clarifying that point for me btw, I couldn't get the wording right...LOL)

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secure1

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May 5, 2006, 8:47 pm PDT

What's next in our relationship?

I have been married to my husband for seven years. We dated for seven before he proposed. From the moment we started dating my husband decided how long we would wait before we could kiss on the lips ( it took about 6 weeks), he decided we should have an aids test before we first slept together approximately 4-6 months later. I used to admire what I characterized as restraint but I
have come to believe that he has never been sexually attracted to me. In the 14 years we have been together I can count in one hand the times he has initiated sexual relations. Since I decided to stop being the aggresor our sexual encounters are almost non-existent. When I occasionally initiate he puts conditions on what he expects before he has intercourse (he will generally ask me to shower), when he has no conditions to be fulfilled he just outright says no .

I am currently taking medication that has lowered my sexual desire, which has helped our lack of sez a little bit. However, I still can't help feeling undesirable and unattractive. My husband knows how I feel which means that everytime I bring it up, which is not very often, I may get a mercy screw and then we are back to usual . Last year alone we had sex about 5 times. What 's next.

Thank you.

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