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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Number of Replies: 408
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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July 30, 2006, 6:15 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: hitechgirl

Hey There! 

Well, the first mistake is the idea that b/c you are a man, you MUST have sex.  That is a lie.  If you really love this girl, why don't you marry her?  You are not her husband and asking her to do anything sexual that she is uncomfortable with is not your "right".  Having sex is only creating a bigger and bigger distance between the both of you and if she doesn't want to have sex, leave her alone.  She doesn't owe you sex...like I said, you are not her husband.  I know very few people who have engaged in pre-marital sex that have happy marriages today,,,and that goes for ALOT of people that i know.  I am 34 and would probably want to have sex everyday,,,but I am NOT married, so therefore I am not having sex.  I am a sexual person, but i practice what is called "self-control".  I totally look forward to marriage and sex (yes, i have had sex in my lifetime)...but there are not many guys i would even consider opening up to nowadays since most guys seem to think porn is a right of passage and sleeping with as many women as possible  in their young days is a "duty".  There are very few men i would even consider giving my body over to.  Maybe you should read more about the damage that having sex actually causes when you are too young or even not married.  I personally think that your early 20's is too young.  Your brain has not even fully developed yet, ACCORDING TO DR. PHIL. 

  

Give up the sex unless you want to marry this girl and commit your life to her.  Maybe she actually has convictions.  You just never know. 

  

;-) 

NEITHER OF YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH LIFE EXPERIENCES TO BE LIVING TOGETHER,LET ALONE TAKING THE CHANCE OF GETTING PREGNANT HAVING A MEANINGLESS SEXUAL ENCOUNTER.One of you need to move out & make sure you can take care of yourselves, before going further in this relationship.You might find yourself with someone totally different in just a few months.Most importantly,make sure you are managing your life without anyones help before getting into another relationship.You shouldn't even be considering marriage until you're 30,anyway 

 
July 30, 2006, 8:03 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: bamasbest1

NEITHER OF YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH LIFE EXPERIENCES TO BE LIVING TOGETHER,LET ALONE TAKING THE CHANCE OF GETTING PREGNANT HAVING A MEANINGLESS SEXUAL ENCOUNTER.One of you need to move out & make sure you can take care of yourselves, before going further in this relationship.You might find yourself with someone totally different in just a few months.Most importantly,make sure you are managing your life without anyones help before getting into another relationship.You shouldn't even be considering marriage until you're 30,anyway 

LOL.  I know this wasn't to me, but are you serious?  Not even thinking about marriage until 30?  I know people who have gotten married in their 30's and even older than that and they did not last.  They shouldn't even gotten married.  I think living together before marriage is a good thing, you get to see what your future looks like before you make the life commitment to each other.  I do agree that you need to take care of yourself, but I don't see why people can't consider marriage before 30.   

  

LOL 

 
July 30, 2006, 10:57 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: bamasbest1

Personally,I don't think they're mature enough for sex of war at the age of 18,but,I had a neice who turned 19 in Iraq and I really think it matured her,being there.THANK GOD,she made it home safely 

after 18 months and she seems to have a greater appreciation for everything.Especially what she's going to do with her life.It might be a way of keeping them from making some of the same mistakes over and over,to get away from whatever keeps some out of reality for so long ,and help them take life a little more serious............................just my thoughts......... 

I would rather have my son and daughter fall in love and have sex with that person than fight in a war.  Personally, I think the experience of war is much more damaging than meaningful sex.  I was married at 18, I was and still am mature.  I didn't need to be in a war for that.  People just mature at different ages.  I guess it's what your priorities are.
 
July 30, 2006, 10:58 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: bamasbest1

NEITHER OF YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH LIFE EXPERIENCES TO BE LIVING TOGETHER,LET ALONE TAKING THE CHANCE OF GETTING PREGNANT HAVING A MEANINGLESS SEXUAL ENCOUNTER.One of you need to move out & make sure you can take care of yourselves, before going further in this relationship.You might find yourself with someone totally different in just a few months.Most importantly,make sure you are managing your life without anyones help before getting into another relationship.You shouldn't even be considering marriage until you're 30,anyway 

Are you one of those people who honestly thinks people should remain unmarried virgins until they are 30?

Did YOU do this? I doubt it.
 
July 30, 2006, 11:54 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: hitechgirl

Hey There! 

Well, the first mistake is the idea that b/c you are a man, you MUST have sex.  That is a lie.  If you really love this girl, why don't you marry her?  You are not her husband and asking her to do anything sexual that she is uncomfortable with is not your "right".  Having sex is only creating a bigger and bigger distance between the both of you and if she doesn't want to have sex, leave her alone.  She doesn't owe you sex...like I said, you are not her husband.  I know very few people who have engaged in pre-marital sex that have happy marriages today,,,and that goes for ALOT of people that i know.  I am 34 and would probably want to have sex everyday,,,but I am NOT married, so therefore I am not having sex.  I am a sexual person, but i practice what is called "self-control".  I totally look forward to marriage and sex (yes, i have had sex in my lifetime)...but there are not many guys i would even consider opening up to nowadays since most guys seem to think porn is a right of passage and sleeping with as many women as possible  in their young days is a "duty".  There are very few men i would even consider giving my body over to.  Maybe you should read more about the damage that having sex actually causes when you are too young or even not married.  I personally think that your early 20's is too young.  Your brain has not even fully developed yet, ACCORDING TO DR. PHIL. 

  

Give up the sex unless you want to marry this girl and commit your life to her.  Maybe she actually has convictions.  You just never know. 

  

;-) 

Um...even if he WERE her husband she does NOT owe him sex.  Also, when you get married you do not  "give your body over" to the person. These are specific religious ideas that not everyone follows.

And marriage will not fix this mess...this couple should NOT marry! This woman has deeper issues and a wedding license isn't a bandage.
 
July 30, 2006, 11:57 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: hitechgirl

Hey There! 

Well, the first mistake is the idea that b/c you are a man, you MUST have sex.  That is a lie.  If you really love this girl, why don't you marry her?  You are not her husband and asking her to do anything sexual that she is uncomfortable with is not your "right".  Having sex is only creating a bigger and bigger distance between the both of you and if she doesn't want to have sex, leave her alone.  She doesn't owe you sex...like I said, you are not her husband.  I know very few people who have engaged in pre-marital sex that have happy marriages today,,,and that goes for ALOT of people that i know.  I am 34 and would probably want to have sex everyday,,,but I am NOT married, so therefore I am not having sex.  I am a sexual person, but i practice what is called "self-control".  I totally look forward to marriage and sex (yes, i have had sex in my lifetime)...but there are not many guys i would even consider opening up to nowadays since most guys seem to think porn is a right of passage and sleeping with as many women as possible  in their young days is a "duty".  There are very few men i would even consider giving my body over to.  Maybe you should read more about the damage that having sex actually causes when you are too young or even not married.  I personally think that your early 20's is too young.  Your brain has not even fully developed yet, ACCORDING TO DR. PHIL. 

  

Give up the sex unless you want to marry this girl and commit your life to her.  Maybe she actually has convictions.  You just never know. 

  

;-) 

Can you also explain to me how not being married can damage a person physically during sex? LOL...this made me laugh really hard...Does a wedding license some how protect from vaginal tearing or something?
 
July 30, 2006, 12:45 pm CDT

Young newlywed husband...low sex drive

I think I have a rather unique problem, at least I can't find anyone in our age group that can relate to it. I am 20 years old and been married just under a year and my HUSBAND has NO sex drive. If he had it his way we would have sex every 2 weeks or maybe just once a month. He is 24 years old. Everything I have read is for men over 50 with low sex drives. I have tried talking to him. He just kind of shuts down and says he doesn't want it or he's stupid or he doesn't know whats wrong with him. It's so frustrating. I have suggested doctors, counselors, therapists but he either says he doesn't need it or doesn't want to spend the money. He tells me to get over it. I can't. I feel rejected and unattractive. I have tried the suggestions in Cosmoplotian, Marie Claire, Glamour. No avail. Its like when we do have sex its him giving in. Sorry to make this so long, but I'm desperate. I even tried introducing porn and dressing up in outfits he picked out. I'm not fat, I'm a size 8 and have been our entire relationship and people tell me I'm pretty so I don't know what's going on. It has to be him, especially with the "i'm stupid" comments but I feel hopeless. Til death do us part is going to be a long journey if its like this...
 
July 30, 2006, 3:37 pm CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: grenrgrss

I think I have a rather unique problem, at least I can't find anyone in our age group that can relate to it. I am 20 years old and been married just under a year and my HUSBAND has NO sex drive. If he had it his way we would have sex every 2 weeks or maybe just once a month. He is 24 years old. Everything I have read is for men over 50 with low sex drives. I have tried talking to him. He just kind of shuts down and says he doesn't want it or he's stupid or he doesn't know whats wrong with him. It's so frustrating. I have suggested doctors, counselors, therapists but he either says he doesn't need it or doesn't want to spend the money. He tells me to get over it. I can't. I feel rejected and unattractive. I have tried the suggestions in Cosmoplotian, Marie Claire, Glamour. No avail. Its like when we do have sex its him giving in. Sorry to make this so long, but I'm desperate. I even tried introducing porn and dressing up in outfits he picked out. I'm not fat, I'm a size 8 and have been our entire relationship and people tell me I'm pretty so I don't know what's going on. It has to be him, especially with the "i'm stupid" comments but I feel hopeless. Til death do us part is going to be a long journey if its like this...
If you look around on various message boards on the internet you will learn that this is not uncommon or unique at all.

We live in a society where there is a ridiculous and harmful stereotype about men and their sex drives. It's harmful to men especially, because men, like my husband and your husband are left to feel "stupid" and like something is "wrong" with them. People fly off the deep end about this because men are supposed to be horny freaks...not true. Men are human beings and each human being has different likes, dislikes and tastes.  He simply doesn't have a high sex drive.

If he doesn't want this "problem" "fixed" I suggest you leave him alone. I don't want to be harsh, but if this was the other way around everyone would be angry at your husband for him pressuring you into sex.

Get a vibrator, read some erotica...because this guy doesn't have a matching sex drive to yours.

If you have a REAL reason to worry about his sex drive it should be handled with care. (Not that you haven't) Sex issues are delicate issues.  Is he under stress? Is he working very long hours? Is he working and in school at the same time? Was he raised in an ultra religious home that made sex dirty? If there is no reason, other than the low sex drive, for you to assume a problem then leave him alone...

Everyone is different and stereotyping your own husband is walking a dangerous path.


 
July 30, 2006, 4:20 pm CDT

depression

before anyone says .... omg they don't match or what ever.... also consider depression. 

I've depression and I don't want sex either
 
July 30, 2006, 5:46 pm CDT

Also...

Quote From: grenrgrss

I think I have a rather unique problem, at least I can't find anyone in our age group that can relate to it. I am 20 years old and been married just under a year and my HUSBAND has NO sex drive. If he had it his way we would have sex every 2 weeks or maybe just once a month. He is 24 years old. Everything I have read is for men over 50 with low sex drives. I have tried talking to him. He just kind of shuts down and says he doesn't want it or he's stupid or he doesn't know whats wrong with him. It's so frustrating. I have suggested doctors, counselors, therapists but he either says he doesn't need it or doesn't want to spend the money. He tells me to get over it. I can't. I feel rejected and unattractive. I have tried the suggestions in Cosmoplotian, Marie Claire, Glamour. No avail. Its like when we do have sex its him giving in. Sorry to make this so long, but I'm desperate. I even tried introducing porn and dressing up in outfits he picked out. I'm not fat, I'm a size 8 and have been our entire relationship and people tell me I'm pretty so I don't know what's going on. It has to be him, especially with the "i'm stupid" comments but I feel hopeless. Til death do us part is going to be a long journey if its like this...
Don't take it so personally. His not wanting to have sex with you likely has NOTHING to do with you.

And if you cannot live like this it's time for a divorce. Don't make your lifetime and his miserable because you cannot accept him the way he is. Find someone who is more like you.
 
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