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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Number of Replies: 408
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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July 30, 2006, 6:42 pm CDT

YOU MAKE ME LAUGH PURPLEPAIN

Quote From: purplepain

Can you also explain to me how not being married can damage a person physically during sex? LOL...this made me laugh really hard...Does a wedding license some how protect from vaginal tearing or something?
i was not the one who said having sex can damge you physically,,,i was talking emotionally.  However, whoever did say it can damage you physically was right,,,ever heard of STD's? 
 
July 31, 2006, 6:09 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: purplepain

Don't take it so personally. His not wanting to have sex with you likely has NOTHING to do with you.

And if you cannot live like this it's time for a divorce. Don't make your lifetime and his miserable because you cannot accept him the way he is. Find someone who is more like you.
Girl you should of known about this before you married him. If he was the same then it must have not bothered you before. They always say it's not you it's me i think thats bull it's both of you most of the time, but you owe it to yourself not to live like that.
 
July 31, 2006, 6:53 am CDT

thats a tough one

Quote From: luvsick10

I am sorry but I have to completely disagree with you. I have been with my husband for 5 years. I love him unconditionally, so much that I am willing to overlook the fact that he rarely wants to have sex with me. It's like I inniciate 85% of the time and he does 15% of the time. Emotionally we are awesome, I always engage in conversation about things he enjoys. We have the same interests and know how to have a good time together and make eachother laugh. I am 5'2 and 105 pounds so I know it can't be my physical attributes. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me so much but can't seem to make any inniciative. I give him routine massages nearly every night to relax him, and waite patiently for him to engage in me but then I am dissapointed beyond belief when he falls asleep without any regard for me. I love him so much and lie next to him at night wishing he would desire me and not reject me. It is excruciatingly painful to kiss someone passionatly and have them sit there like a robot just going through the motions. I feel like I have waited patiently and tried everything but nothing seems to work. I have almost cheated on him twice but couldn't go through with it because I love him to much and it is only him that I want. So what now?

I am in your husbands shoes but I do try to take some initiative even when I dont want to, just to make her feel wanted. As you know, it is obvious when a man is not really turned on, so it can only go so far. If he truly loved you he would try to satisfy you sexually even if it does mean intercourse. I can only speak for myself I guess, he might actually have a mental condition that needs professional help. Look into therapy for him or read up on different ways to spice up the relationship. My wife bought me a kama sutra book and told me " when you find a position you would like to try, let me know and we will see if we can do it" it worked for about a week. which was the best week ever. I am just saying, there are lots of paths for you to take. The whole booty call thing is the last thing you should try. Dont leave a relationship because you dont get enough sex. You will regret it later. Sex is not EVERYTHING. 

 
July 31, 2006, 7:51 am CDT

LEIGH AND JILL

REFERENCE:  Leigh and Jill (the Man Eater)

  

 

 I agree ... this woman needs some serious help.

  

Her actions on the show were so totally adolescent that it was sickening.

How could she possibly think that her biting was romantic or "cute"?  She seemed to think that it was just the cutest thing!  It was apparent that she thought that her biting was "cute" and seemed proud of it.  Not to mention the fake mouth-wide-opened laughs all throughout the show. 

  

 

 

 It appeared to me that she has many immaturity issues to deal with.  Her behavior was that of a 10 or 12 year old.  How could Leigh possibly find her romantic???

  

 What was it with her rational that her "Dog" bites at her ankle..... not to mention that she bites her dog.  Who would want to even kiss someone who has just bitten her dog?????

   

 

  

I hope this couple gets some serious pre-marital counseling. 

  

 

  

I found her behavior sickening.

  

 

 

  

 

  

 

 

  

  

  

 

  

 
July 31, 2006, 8:42 am CDT

Swinger

I recently started dating again.  It's been almost 2 years since my divorce.  I have custody of my 6 year old daughter.  I met a man through Match.com about 2 months ago.  We started communicating by email, then phone and eventually met in person.  He seemed warm, intelligent and funny.  When we decided to meet face-to-face, he asked me to come to his house.  I told him I was not comfortable doing that.  We decided to meet at a coffee shop instead.  We were both attracted to each other and talked about getting together again.  At the end of our meeting, he asked me to kiss him.   I told him that I really like to take things slow - that I'm pretty old fashioned.  He kissed me anyway (first red flag).  At first it was a quick kiss, but then he started getting a little carried away.  I told him to stop and he did.  We talked for a few more minutes and agreed to see each other again.  In the meantime, I emailed him what I was comfortable with as far as sex and dating.  I told him, that I'm confortable doing things together in a public place and waiting a couple months before becoming sexually intimate.  I know that he read it, but he still pushed to be sexually intimate on our next couple of dates.  In fact, he's already told me he loves me (another red flag).  During our fourth and last date, he tells me that he's into The Lifestyle (swinging) at a local clubs.  He said that if I wanted to go, he'd take me.  He said he would enjoy watching me get pleasure.  WOW!  That pretty much blew my mind.  I called him the next day and told him that I've thought about what he told me and that his lifestyle is something that I can't handle and I didn't want to pursure a realationship with him.  He was so upset.  Later in our conversation he said  that he shouldn't have told me.   Now, he's trying convince me to continue to see him.  He thinks we could have a future together.  He says that if that type of thing bother's me, we won't do it.  I can't handle that he ever did it.   I believe he should have told me about his lifestyle sooner in our communication.  Because this goes against my core values,  I think I have every reason to walk away.  He's really giving me a hard time about it - he thinks I'm judging him.  In his most recent email, he was defending his lifestyle and the people who chose to participate.  He said that the basis to this lifestyle is trust and openness.  I've tried to explain that he's free to life his life how he wants, but it doesn't mean that I have to accept it into my life.   Any advice on what to say or do to get him to understand that I don't want to continue a relationship with him?  I must admit that I worry, he'll get a little crazy. 
 
July 31, 2006, 10:42 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: hitechgirl

i was not the one who said having sex can damge you physically,,,i was talking emotionally.  However, whoever did say it can damage you physically was right,,,ever heard of STD's? 
Ok, fine, how does a marriage license protect a person from STD's?  How does a marriage license protect someone from emotional pain?
 
July 31, 2006, 10:46 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: hitechgirl

18 year olds probably should not go off to war!  good point...and they definitely have no real need for sex.  You are brainwashed by society to think differently.
So, someone disagrees with you and it means they are brainwashed? It's not possible it's something they have thought long and hard about?

I used to be against sex before marriage, but now I am not.  I actually *personally* feel the opposite of what you are saying. I feel like I USED to be brainwashed about this topic, now I've cleared my head and thought about it.

Sex is pleasure that has some risks...it's no different than driving to the movies, skydiving, driving a motorcycle (for some people), swimming, and tons of other activities that people participate in for pleasure.  There are risks...yes...but people still do pleasurable things.
 
July 31, 2006, 11:13 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: michgirl64

I recently started dating again.  It's been almost 2 years since my divorce.  I have custody of my 6 year old daughter.  I met a man through Match.com about 2 months ago.  We started communicating by email, then phone and eventually met in person.  He seemed warm, intelligent and funny.  When we decided to meet face-to-face, he asked me to come to his house.  I told him I was not comfortable doing that.  We decided to meet at a coffee shop instead.  We were both attracted to each other and talked about getting together again.  At the end of our meeting, he asked me to kiss him.   I told him that I really like to take things slow - that I'm pretty old fashioned.  He kissed me anyway (first red flag).  At first it was a quick kiss, but then he started getting a little carried away.  I told him to stop and he did.  We talked for a few more minutes and agreed to see each other again.  In the meantime, I emailed him what I was comfortable with as far as sex and dating.  I told him, that I'm confortable doing things together in a public place and waiting a couple months before becoming sexually intimate.  I know that he read it, but he still pushed to be sexually intimate on our next couple of dates.  In fact, he's already told me he loves me (another red flag).  During our fourth and last date, he tells me that he's into The Lifestyle (swinging) at a local clubs.  He said that if I wanted to go, he'd take me.  He said he would enjoy watching me get pleasure.  WOW!  That pretty much blew my mind.  I called him the next day and told him that I've thought about what he told me and that his lifestyle is something that I can't handle and I didn't want to pursure a realationship with him.  He was so upset.  Later in our conversation he said  that he shouldn't have told me.   Now, he's trying convince me to continue to see him.  He thinks we could have a future together.  He says that if that type of thing bother's me, we won't do it.  I can't handle that he ever did it.   I believe he should have told me about his lifestyle sooner in our communication.  Because this goes against my core values,  I think I have every reason to walk away.  He's really giving me a hard time about it - he thinks I'm judging him.  In his most recent email, he was defending his lifestyle and the people who chose to participate.  He said that the basis to this lifestyle is trust and openness.  I've tried to explain that he's free to life his life how he wants, but it doesn't mean that I have to accept it into my life.   Any advice on what to say or do to get him to understand that I don't want to continue a relationship with him?  I must admit that I worry, he'll get a little crazy. 
I know how to get him to understand that you don't want to continue a relationship with him....

STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HIM!  Seriously girl! Knock it off!  The longer you debate him on these issues the more he'll think he has a chance at changing you. Cut this off now before he gets anymore obsessed.

Change your email address. If he has your phone number change your phone number. This guy has crossed the line with you and you know it and you need to stop talking to him and giving him hope that he has a future with you. Move on. He's probably not dangerous but he isn't respectful to you.

Also, ask yourself a question, why have you been continuing contact with him? You MUST be getting something out of this...some kind of confidence boost or titillation? Ask yourself if the flattery (or whatever your reward is) is worth it.


 
July 31, 2006, 12:11 pm CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: hitechgirl

18 year olds probably should not go off to war!  good point...and they definitely have no real need for sex.  You are brainwashed by society to think differently.
Brainwashed?  Why do you assume they are brainwashed, and not you yourself?
 
July 31, 2006, 2:05 pm CDT

Sad values

Quote From: purplepain

Ok, fine, how does a marriage license protect a person from STD's?  How does a marriage license protect someone from emotional pain?

If you are a Christian, you shouldn't be picking and choosing which of Christ's teachings you will follow. They aren't meant to be popular or easy.

 

Ever wonder why we have so much disease, abortion, depression, neglect, drug use, divorce and adultry in our society? It's because of attitudes similar to yours that see no problem with a lack of respect for both privacy and one's body.

 

With sex should come fidelity to one, committment to eachother and to God and a lifetime of love, honestly and respect. One night stands are none of those. And that type of pure sex for hedonistic purposes is what is KILLING our teens and young adults. They are not emotionally ready (and sometimes not physically ready) to engage in sex. And when something BAD comes out of that sex (and it often does) they are not emotionally or fiscally ready to take full responsiblity and do what's right. They do what's easy and it's adults with your opinion that have led to a host of problems facing our young people.

 

How does a marriage license protect YOU from STD's, you ask? If you are in a committed, loving, monogomous relationship (AS YOU SHOULD BE IF YOU'RE HAVING SEX), you won't be getting STD'S!!!! You'll have no worries at all and you will be following the teachings of Christ that are in place for a reason. When they are followed, we don't see all the low life behavior too many these young people (and even older people) display without even a thought.

 

I am tired of teaching teens who are getting sexual diseases, being emotionally harmed by relationships that are way over their heads, tired of adult women who are harming their children by moving men in and out of their beds and homes (the same for adult men) and a society that is KILLING itself because it lacks morals AND common sense!

 

This is from a woman who's been married 17 years, who has children and who has seen the slippery slope our society is on.....it's SCARY!!!!

 

Let's ALL raise our standards and expect more of ourselves along with respecting our bodies more.

 
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