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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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August 2, 2006, 3:58 pm CDT

Swinger

Quote From: purplepain

I know how to get him to understand that you don't want to continue a relationship with him....

STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HIM!  Seriously girl! Knock it off!  The longer you debate him on these issues the more he'll think he has a chance at changing you. Cut this off now before he gets anymore obsessed.

Change your email address. If he has your phone number change your phone number. This guy has crossed the line with you and you know it and you need to stop talking to him and giving him hope that he has a future with you. Move on. He's probably not dangerous but he isn't respectful to you.

Also, ask yourself a question, why have you been continuing contact with him? You MUST be getting something out of this...some kind of confidence boost or titillation? Ask yourself if the flattery (or whatever your reward is) is worth it.


I only have one (cell) phone for work and personal use.  If I changed my number,  I'd have to list a forwarding number, so my clients will be able to reach me.  Leason learned...get new cell phone just for dating!!  I posted my message the day I told him I no longer wanted to see him.  Later that day he called and sent me a couple of emails - non of which I replied to.  Other than that, he has left me alone, which is a relief.  I just hope it stays that way... 

Dating sure has changed a lot since in the last decade.  






 
August 3, 2006, 2:20 pm CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: michgirl64

I only have one (cell) phone for work and personal use.  If I changed my number,  I'd have to list a forwarding number, so my clients will be able to reach me.  Leason learned...get new cell phone just for dating!!  I posted my message the day I told him I no longer wanted to see him.  Later that day he called and sent me a couple of emails - non of which I replied to.  Other than that, he has left me alone, which is a relief.  I just hope it stays that way... 

Dating sure has changed a lot since in the last decade.  






That's good! You might get tempted to reach out to him again...maybe if you do come and read this thread again? You are much better off with out him. Sounds like he needs to find a very specific person or he needs therapy to learn to be more accessible and more open to normal dating patterns.

Good for you!
 
August 4, 2006, 10:32 am CDT

Rump Roast??

Okay, I get that this menu thing was a playful thing at first, and maybe it was a way to communicate some things that were awkward.  But Christie said something that blew me away. When discussing anal sex(rump roast), she said she hated it. Then WHY is she doing it??? She didnt' say it was her least favorite, or that she was only willing to do that occasionally, but she outright said she hated it.

Now this is not about whether or not anal sex is okay. I have no problem with it.  The issue is, it sounds like the menu idea has made sex impersonal, and that has given the hubby the option of stepping over lines of respect and mutual pleasure. He says the anal sex is "to die for". Well what is even more to die for is seeing your wife enjoy physical intimacy and her own sexuality, which is not likely if she is being pushed into doing something that, if involuntary, can be humiliating.

The clincher is, he puts the money on her bedside table. I am all for roleplay as a way to spice things up, and if you want to play hooker and john occasionally, go for it. But this is standard practice for them, and one that leaves her crying in the shower. It sounds to me like they are just screwing, and intimacy is all but gone. She is a piece of meat, and he is financially entitled to whatever his wallet allows. Some call girls are allowed more dignity.

Angela

 
August 4, 2006, 10:58 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: purplepain

If you look around on various message boards on the internet you will learn that this is not uncommon or unique at all.

We live in a society where there is a ridiculous and harmful stereotype about men and their sex drives. It's harmful to men especially, because men, like my husband and your husband are left to feel "stupid" and like something is "wrong" with them. People fly off the deep end about this because men are supposed to be horny freaks...not true. Men are human beings and each human being has different likes, dislikes and tastes.  He simply doesn't have a high sex drive.

If he doesn't want this "problem" "fixed" I suggest you leave him alone. I don't want to be harsh, but if this was the other way around everyone would be angry at your husband for him pressuring you into sex.

Get a vibrator, read some erotica...because this guy doesn't have a matching sex drive to yours.

If you have a REAL reason to worry about his sex drive it should be handled with care. (Not that you haven't) Sex issues are delicate issues.  Is he under stress? Is he working very long hours? Is he working and in school at the same time? Was he raised in an ultra religious home that made sex dirty? If there is no reason, other than the low sex drive, for you to assume a problem then leave him alone...

Everyone is different and stereotyping your own husband is walking a dangerous path.


I agree that this lady should take responsibility for meeting her own needs sexually.....for now. But sex is a bonding experience, and a pretty darn important at that. Yes, some guys dont' have a high drive. No argument here. Well guess what, there are a LOT of things about being in a relationship that don't necessarily come naturally. In case no one has mentioned it, relationships are work and compromise.

Dr. Phil mentioned on his show that it is VERY rare that a couple's sex drive is in sync over the span of their relationship, and that is when you have to get outside of what is easy and do what works for both of you.

That does not mean we attack or belittle our LL mates, which can be hard, because we HL folks spend a great deal of time feeling very belittled and rejected, and it is hard not to strike back. But it is not unreasonable to clearly state your expectations and expect them to be willing to work with us so both partners are felling loved.

Angela

 
August 5, 2006, 5:12 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: purplepain

Are you one of those people who honestly thinks people should remain unmarried virgins until they are 30?

Did YOU do this? I doubt it.

I never , said wait till you're 30 to have sex.I said don't consider marriage until you're 30.ESPECIALLY MALES!!!!!!!!! And,no,I didn't wait until I was 30 to have sex.I had sex with the same partner from 16 to 21,got pregnant at 19,married him when our daughter was 6 months old,which lasted for only 2 yrs.,then I had go to work to support us and didn't get to  fullfill my dreams to go to college until I was 35.By then I had entered another marriage( which lasted 10 yrs.),had a son,became a single parent,struggled to make it for the 3 of us, until they got old enough for me to think about college, 

I then went into the medical field and by the time they started moving out,I could finally do things for them.The time in between everything was so hard and so unfair to my kids,but, that's what I jepordized for myself having sex when I didn't have a clue about life and it's consequences,just like the person I was writing to is doing.THAT'S ALL! 

 
August 5, 2006, 5:49 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: elffie

LOL.  I know this wasn't to me, but are you serious?  Not even thinking about marriage until 30?  I know people who have gotten married in their 30's and even older than that and they did not last.  They shouldn't even gotten married.  I think living together before marriage is a good thing, you get to see what your future looks like before you make the life commitment to each other.  I do agree that you need to take care of yourself, but I don't see why people can't consider marriage before 30.   

  

LOL 

I'm  only tying to impress the fact on her that,it seems that these days,if either sex gives theirself until at least 25 yrs old,before thinking of maritial committment,they are much more successful in 

knowing what road they actually want to go down.Too many times you see  it so much easier to get into a relationship than to get out,reguardless of how painful,abusive and useless it might be.This is normally because you haven't given yourself enough time to even know how to take care of yourself,so it's harder to get out.My 2nd marriage,at the age of 23,lasted 10 yrs.,only because I then had 2 children to take care of and I didn't even know how to take care of myself.See,even at 23 I didn't know what I was doing and in this day and time,you can't have a clue until you reach at least 30 and have some kind of idea what you want to do in life. 

 
August 5, 2006, 7:56 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: bamasbest1

I never , said wait till you're 30 to have sex.I said don't consider marriage until you're 30.ESPECIALLY MALES!!!!!!!!! And,no,I didn't wait until I was 30 to have sex.I had sex with the same partner from 16 to 21,got pregnant at 19,married him when our daughter was 6 months old,which lasted for only 2 yrs.,then I had go to work to support us and didn't get to  fullfill my dreams to go to college until I was 35.By then I had entered another marriage( which lasted 10 yrs.),had a son,became a single parent,struggled to make it for the 3 of us, until they got old enough for me to think about college, 

I then went into the medical field and by the time they started moving out,I could finally do things for them.The time in between everything was so hard and so unfair to my kids,but, that's what I jepordized for myself having sex when I didn't have a clue about life and it's consequences,just like the person I was writing to is doing.THAT'S ALL! 

Just because you weren't careful, does not mean others will follow in your footsteps.  Why did you marry your first husband?  Was it because you had a child together?  That is never a good reason to get married.  Please, I don't mean to offend, I believe that a relationship can last if the two people involved are commited to it working.

 

 

 
August 5, 2006, 4:09 pm CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: bamasbest1

Hey browneyed2,this sounds so familiar and believe me it isn't about you.My husband and I went through this,only it was both of us not having desires.I thought ,at first,we were just that comfortable,after 8 yrs.together,&4 yrs.of being married.I knew he couldn't be happy with this and we talked about it and came to the conclusion that it was medicine related.I am on several meds for high blood pressure,sugar and cholestrol and he's on thyroid and sugar meds.It really had nothing to do with us and  weight has nothing to do with it if he truly loves you.If you have gained some weight,start the process of getting rid of it before it really becomes a medical hazard to your health.You are tooooooooo young to be having that kind of issue.Take care of that NOW,babygirl. 

Just don't give up and make him feel you aren't interested,but,don't be so pushy that he gets irritated.Keep talking about it.I think men go through changes just like women.He might should talk to his family dr.,if he is being honest about his feelings.Don't let this change who you are.Keep tabs on it,though..............................................................Good Luck! 

Should I just let this go on? Why isn’t he interested? Is it me? Will we last? I am really getting frustrated with my boyfriend. He doesn’t even think about sex. I am not over weight I weigh about 140 I could get toned but I really don’t think my body is the issue. He told me it just wasn’t a priority to him anymore. This breaks my heart. How can my happiness not be a priority to him? He kisses me and touches me often but he just wont approach me for sex. He said he has never been the one to insatiate sex. And when I let on that I'm in the mood and invite him into the bed room and have candles lit and all that jazz he just says yeah ill be in in a minute and sits out here and watches TV until I get so pissed off I say just forget it. Or when he finally does come in he says he just wants to read for a bit first and then ends up falling asleep!!! I just love him so much and he loves me that I can’t just let him go. Will this work out? Will things change? He wont go see anyone about this problem and just thinks things are fine the way they are, but they aren’t fine for me and I tell him this all the time that I’m not happy and he says he’s sorry and that things will change and he will start to pay more attention to my needs but never acts. There must be a better way! I need some help!

 
August 6, 2006, 7:07 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: elffie

Just because you weren't careful, does not mean others will follow in your footsteps.  Why did you marry your first husband?  Was it because you had a child together?  That is never a good reason to get married.  Please, I don't mean to offend, I believe that a relationship can last if the two people involved are commited to it working.

 

 

You're absolutely right,but,there has to be a very large understanding of what LOVE is ,to become commited.I'm sorry,but at 19,you haven't a clue.And yes I married the 1st time because of my daughter.That's what I'm talking about.I had no business having sex that young,let alone getting married because of a child!!!!! Trust me,sweetie,you won't get it until you've made the same mistake.I wouldn't want to live ,today,if anything happened to my princess,but,if I had listened to the wisdom of my mom,I would have done it right & not put my daughter through all the heartache she has been through.You just won't know until you put yourself there & that's all i''m trying to impress on you.By the way,my little princess is 35 yrs old,now & doesn't have any children.She just can't forget what life was like for us due to the choices I made & she knows the chances on the same thing happening,even in a stable relationship.SEX can change your life completely,but,you won't understand until you've been there.I rest my case.
 
August 6, 2006, 9:10 pm CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: bamasbest1

You're absolutely right,but,there has to be a very large understanding of what LOVE is ,to become commited.I'm sorry,but at 19,you haven't a clue.And yes I married the 1st time because of my daughter.That's what I'm talking about.I had no business having sex that young,let alone getting married because of a child!!!!! Trust me,sweetie,you won't get it until you've made the same mistake.I wouldn't want to live ,today,if anything happened to my princess,but,if I had listened to the wisdom of my mom,I would have done it right & not put my daughter through all the heartache she has been through.You just won't know until you put yourself there & that's all i''m trying to impress on you.By the way,my little princess is 35 yrs old,now & doesn't have any children.She just can't forget what life was like for us due to the choices I made & she knows the chances on the same thing happening,even in a stable relationship.SEX can change your life completely,but,you won't understand until you've been there.I rest my case.

Actually, at 19 I did have a clue about love and commitment.  I got married at 18 because I loved him and still do and we wanted to be together.  One month before I turned 20 I had my son.  We now have a daughter and this year will be our 5th wedding anniversay, but we have been together for 7 years.  So, I was in your place, the only difference is, I love my husband and want to be with him my whole life.  We knew the commitment we were making together and he is a good man that provides well for his family.  I know things can happen, but I do not regret marrying him or having children.  You're right, I won't understand until I've been where you have been and I hope I never go there.

 

Take care.

Elffie

 
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