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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Number of Replies: 408
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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August 7, 2006, 11:39 pm CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: bamasbest1

I never , said wait till you're 30 to have sex.I said don't consider marriage until you're 30.ESPECIALLY MALES!!!!!!!!! And,no,I didn't wait until I was 30 to have sex.I had sex with the same partner from 16 to 21,got pregnant at 19,married him when our daughter was 6 months old,which lasted for only 2 yrs.,then I had go to work to support us and didn't get to  fullfill my dreams to go to college until I was 35.By then I had entered another marriage( which lasted 10 yrs.),had a son,became a single parent,struggled to make it for the 3 of us, until they got old enough for me to think about college, 

I then went into the medical field and by the time they started moving out,I could finally do things for them.The time in between everything was so hard and so unfair to my kids,but, that's what I jepordized for myself having sex when I didn't have a clue about life and it's consequences,just like the person I was writing to is doing.THAT'S ALL! 

Oh I see...I thought you were against sex before marriage...my mistake.
 
August 8, 2006, 9:01 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: elffie

Actually, at 19 I did have a clue about love and commitment.  I got married at 18 because I loved him and still do and we wanted to be together.  One month before I turned 20 I had my son.  We now have a daughter and this year will be our 5th wedding anniversay, but we have been together for 7 years.  So, I was in your place, the only difference is, I love my husband and want to be with him my whole life.  We knew the commitment we were making together and he is a good man that provides well for his family.  I know things can happen, but I do not regret marrying him or having children.  You're right, I won't understand until I've been where you have been and I hope I never go there.

 

Take care.

Elffie

I'm with you Elf...it depends on the person.

My husband and I got married when I was 20 and he was 18...we are very happy together and I can tell, things are just going to keep getting better.  We've been married for over 7 years now.

Some people just know, some people are ready. There are no hard rules on this stuff.

My husband and I never even proposed to each other, it was just there...just assumed, just natural for us to be together and it's been that way ever since.

No our marriage isn't perfect...but it doesn't have the bumps and pits I see a lot of other marriages having..not by a long shot.

We laugh and giggle like little kids every single day still...not a lot of couples can say that after 7 years.
 
August 8, 2006, 3:54 pm CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: bamasbest1

I never , said wait till you're 30 to have sex.I said don't consider marriage until you're 30.ESPECIALLY MALES!!!!!!!!! And,no,I didn't wait until I was 30 to have sex.I had sex with the same partner from 16 to 21,got pregnant at 19,married him when our daughter was 6 months old,which lasted for only 2 yrs.,then I had go to work to support us and didn't get to  fullfill my dreams to go to college until I was 35.By then I had entered another marriage( which lasted 10 yrs.),had a son,became a single parent,struggled to make it for the 3 of us, until they got old enough for me to think about college, 

I then went into the medical field and by the time they started moving out,I could finally do things for them.The time in between everything was so hard and so unfair to my kids,but, that's what I jepordized for myself having sex when I didn't have a clue about life and it's consequences,just like the person I was writing to is doing.THAT'S ALL! 

BTW Why especially males?
 
August 8, 2006, 6:45 pm CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: purplepain

I'm with you Elf...it depends on the person.

My husband and I got married when I was 20 and he was 18...we are very happy together and I can tell, things are just going to keep getting better.  We've been married for over 7 years now.

Some people just know, some people are ready. There are no hard rules on this stuff.

My husband and I never even proposed to each other, it was just there...just assumed, just natural for us to be together and it's been that way ever since.

No our marriage isn't perfect...but it doesn't have the bumps and pits I see a lot of other marriages having..not by a long shot.

We laugh and giggle like little kids every single day still...not a lot of couples can say that after 7 years.

I know what you mean Purple.  My husband and I have been together for seven years and we still enjoy each other. LOL  Sure there are days when we annoy each other, but those are just moods and they pass.  We know that we still love each other.

 

It's good to see that there is another couple out there who are still in love and enjoy each other. 

 
August 12, 2006, 4:50 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: purplepain

BTW Why especially males?
Because a male doesn't have to be responsible for many of their mistakes and they normally aren't through "playing"until they reach 27-30.So many think they are,at younger ages{just like alot of females},but,the female has to pick up the tab,every time!!! It's really a catch 22,but,females have the deciding factor.They really have the choice in the matter.What cha'think???? I didn't get 54 yrs.old to know nutin',haha
 
August 12, 2006, 10:54 am CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: bamasbest1

Because a male doesn't have to be responsible for many of their mistakes and they normally aren't through "playing"until they reach 27-30.So many think they are,at younger agesjust like alot of females,but,the female has to pick up the tab,every time!!! It's really a catch 22,but,females have the deciding factor.They really have the choice in the matter.What cha'think???? I didn't get 54 yrs.old to know nutin',haha
I really just think you are making sad generalizations. I don't care what age a person is...I have seen a lot of 50-something people say silly wrong things.

I think this is a stereotype that is not true. I married an 18 year old guy who was never interested in "playing" and I have two younger brothers (25 and 26) who are not interested in playing anymore. Elffie here has another example of this. There are many.

Generalizations, stereotyping and superficial judgments are dangerous and they are usually based on a person's life experience only, not on any actual analysis.
 
August 12, 2006, 12:08 pm CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: bamasbest1

Because a male doesn't have to be responsible for many of their mistakes and they normally aren't through "playing"until they reach 27-30.So many think they are,at younger agesjust like alot of females,but,the female has to pick up the tab,every time!!! It's really a catch 22,but,females have the deciding factor.They really have the choice in the matter.What cha'think???? I didn't get 54 yrs.old to know nutin',haha

I have a son, and I am raising him to be a responsible person.  I want him to own everything he does, I don't want him to blame others or put his mistakes on others, that would not be right.  I am teaching him chivalry.  I don't care how independant women are ( I am one of them) it's always to nice to have a gentleman. 

 

You say that men aren't through playing until their 27-30, then why do some of them have mid life crisis and feel the need to have an affair?  You see, that is generalizing, all middle age men don't have affairs, just like all young men are irresponsible.  Each person is different.   I think you don't like men at all, and every man you come into contact with might have to deal with that.  How about seeing the person for who they are, not what there age is.

 
August 12, 2006, 8:50 pm CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: browneyed2

Should I just let this go on? Why isnt he interested? Is it me? Will we last? I am really getting frustrated with my boyfriend. He doesnt even think about sex. I am not over weight I weigh about 140 I could get toned but I really dont think my body is the issue. He told me it just wasnt a priority to him anymore. This breaks my heart. How can my happiness not be a priority to him? He kisses me and touches me often but he just wont approach me for sex. He said he has never been the one to insatiate sex. And when I let on that I'm in the mood and invite him into the bed room and have candles lit and all that jazz he just says yeah ill be in in a minute and sits out here and watches TV until I get so pissed off I say just forget it. Or when he finally does come in he says he just wants to read for a bit first and then ends up falling asleep!!! I just love him so much and he loves me that I cant just let him go. Will this work out? Will things change? He wont go see anyone about this problem and just thinks things are fine the way they are, but they arent fine for me and I tell him this all the time that Im not happy and he says hes sorry and that things will change and he will start to pay more attention to my needs but never acts. There must be a better way! I need some help!

Wow, it sounds like you are really putting yourself out there, and it has to really hurt to be rejected in such an offhand way.

It sounds like he is in complete denial about the fact that the two of you have a real problem, and, no, it will NOT just work itself out. Do NOT proceed under that blind, naive hope. It is up to you to just be blunt. It sounds like this is what Dr. Phil calls a deal breaker. It is one thing to have  a low libido, it is quite another to just not try. There are other, albeit sometimes less satisfactory ways to be sexually intimate, and even if he isn't "feeling it", he can still be with you physically that meets your needs.

I wish I had more encouraging words, but unfortunately, I am dealing with the same thing. My boyfriend shows little or no interest in sex. I know he loves me OUTSIDE the bedroom, but he refuses to deal with our problems inside the bedroom, and eventually something is going to have to give. He already knows I will NOT marry him until we have reached a solution that makes us both happy, and I am not willing to wait forever for him to figure it out.

Angela

 
August 14, 2006, 11:16 pm CDT

no different than driving to the movies?

Quote From: purplepain

So, someone disagrees with you and it means they are brainwashed? It's not possible it's something they have thought long and hard about?

I used to be against sex before marriage, but now I am not.  I actually *personally* feel the opposite of what you are saying. I feel like I USED to be brainwashed about this topic, now I've cleared my head and thought about it.

Sex is pleasure that has some risks...it's no different than driving to the movies, skydiving, driving a motorcycle (for some people), swimming, and tons of other activities that people participate in for pleasure.  There are risks...yes...but people still do pleasurable things.

Most people do not think LONG AND HARD about having sex...b/c MOST PEOPLE are having sex in their early teens.  Comparting risky sex with driving to the movies is CRAZY.  There is no comparison.  I am curious if my haters are males or females?  I have rarely met any women who will say that sex has no emotional damage,,,which in many ways is far worse than  physical damage.  I expect guys to say that sex is "risky like swimming"...but what they don't understand is the emotional connection sex creates whether they want it or not.

 

 

 
August 15, 2006, 12:40 pm CDT

07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: hitechgirl

Most people do not think LONG AND HARD about having sex...b/c MOST PEOPLE are having sex in their early teens.  Comparting risky sex with driving to the movies is CRAZY.  There is no comparison.  I am curious if my haters are males or females?  I have rarely met any women who will say that sex has no emotional damage,,,which in many ways is far worse than  physical damage.  I expect guys to say that sex is "risky like swimming"...but what they don't understand is the emotional connection sex creates whether they want it or not.

 

 

Hater? How old are you? LOL

I'm a female.

And my comparison is not crazy in the least. Sex is a pleasure, it has risks. Driving somewhere is a pleasure and it has risks.

The only reason there is such "emotional" damage is because we put sex up on a pedistal. If we taught our kids what sex actually was, told them no lies, showed them how to use a condom, showed them pics of people with genital warts, sores, crabs, other VD's and AIDS and cervical cancer and told them, this is a RISK of having sex.  If we did all this BEFORE they got horny, so at like 11 years old,  then I think that would solve problems.

But treating sex like you are putting your emotional life on the line is silly. Sex isn't always emotional.  And making it seem that way causes a lot of heart ache.
 
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