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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Number of Replies: 408
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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May 5, 2006, 2:26 pm CDT

What to do??

Okay now...I hope Dr. Phil or someone can give me some advice on how to handle my situation on sex and desire and the expression of same therein.... 

  

I was over 250 lbs when I married my husband 9 years ago...I have had a great deal of weight loss due to Gastric bypass 4 years ago after I reach a weight of over 300 lbs.....now I am about 147 and have lots o skin hanging in all the WRONG places and to me are very VERY UNATTRACTIVE...so much so that I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror,much less allow my husband to see me without feeling really really awkward and embarrassed.  He says he does not mind it and sees me as sexy...the problem is me, I know this, but how do I get by what I see and how I feel about it??  I have a very low sexual desire now due to how I feel about my body...(I guess) I used to be very open and on the adventurous side when I was younger...now I feel rather prudish...ugh... 

  

now the other problem is that when we do have sex, it is not only awkward for me due to how I feel about my body...but also awkward as my husband, since I have lost this weight, has put on about 60-70 lbs extra and it makes it had for us to try positions that would be stimulating or different..so add that to my loose sagging skin and I am all out of it...I love my husband very much and don't know how to approach this either...I find him sexy and he still excites me...but how do I get it so our sexual desires are met and met without obstacles such as excess weight or flappy ugly skin.... 

  

ok...so I have said enough...HELP...I want to feel comfortable but don't know HOW....I am 40 years old and we have sex maybe once a month if we are lucky...most times he is waiting for me to feel comfortable... 

 
May 5, 2006, 2:27 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: saralouann

Im 22 and I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. We also share a 2 year old. We have a great sex life but I still think about other men. I flirt all the time with men over the internet and I have cheated on him several times. At first I figured it was an issue with our sex life but I have re-evaluated that and I do not think that is the issue. I love the thrill I have and the attention I get from other men.  

I do love my boyfriend. I just wish I was happy with being with JUST him. I seem to want others as well. How am I suppose to make our relationship work when I cant keep my eyes in my head?  

You need to really think about if you WANT to be with your boyfriend. You are very young. ( I started young too, but I've been 'settled down' since I was a teen.)

But you obviously have not made a commitment here. You seem to still think you are free. You need to decide what you honestly want, and  you need to make sure your child NEVER suffers for whatever you choose.

Also, if you continue to cheat on him you need to tell him, cause he is open to STD's that he is unaware of and you have no right to open someone up to disease with out their knowledge.
 
May 5, 2006, 2:30 pm CDT

In their shoes

Seeing this show, gives me a glimpse of my own life. My husband is wonderful in every way possible... I would be the happiest woman alive if only we have the same sex drive. We've been married for 3 years, the first 6 months was great. But since then, we've only been having sex once a week.. if even!  And all this time, it's only I that have initiate it. I don't know whether the problem lies with him or me. I'm young (21), I'm sexy, I'm nice... I'm so frustrated! I don't want sex everyday, it doesn't even have to be every other day... just at least once or twice a week. Is that really too much to ask for?  I've tried talking to him... but each time, it just feels as if I'm nagging someone to make love to me. Nothing hurts more than feeling rejected time after time after time. 

  

I know he loves me... why is it so hard for him to show it to me physically?  

 
May 5, 2006, 2:35 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: purplepain

You need to really think about if you WANT to be with your boyfriend. You are very young. ( I started young too, but I've been 'settled down' since I was a teen.)

But you obviously have not made a commitment here. You seem to still think you are free. You need to decide what you honestly want, and  you need to make sure your child NEVER suffers for whatever you choose.

Also, if you continue to cheat on him you need to tell him, cause he is open to STD's that he is unaware of and you have no right to open someone up to disease with out their knowledge.
I agree.  And it is possible that your husband may agree to an open marriage...but it is only fair if you give him the choice.
 
May 5, 2006, 2:36 pm CDT

Five Love Languages

I was informed about a book to read for all newly weds...its called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. This book has really opened our eyes and I was wondering if you "Dr Phil" have read this wonderful book? I haven't heard any comments about how to improve ones love life referring to this book or its teachings. If you haven't read it, in my opinion, it would be worth while. Let me know please...thank you .....Myles and Barbara Stillman 

 
May 5, 2006, 2:38 pm CDT

Biting is not OK with me

The first set of guests had a couple in which the lady bit instead of kissed. I love to kiss! It is the greatest sense of passion (besides making love) that I like to do with my partner. I hope she can get some help with that. I would like to tell her that it is lovely to kiss. 

 
May 5, 2006, 2:41 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: lucky24

But it might not have to be this way!!!!  

 

Please convince him to get a check up.  This is something that a physician may very well be able to help him with. Even though he appears to be in good health, there may have been a drop in his testosterone or some medication he takes causing his lack of sex drive.  It is not too late to get to the bottom of this.  Please don't just resign yourself to living like this without at least trying to get some help! 

I've got a question, I could use your opinion / advice.   My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 5 kids.  The last 3 years I've been unhappy with our sex life.  He says that he's not attracted to me because I've got extra weight - that crushed me.  Am I wrong to take it personal?  Is that supposed to motivate me to shed the extra pounds?  I feel angry and hurt by this - I thought beauty was on the inside.  I agree that its important to take care of myself and I do exercise as I can - with 5 kids its a challenge but I try to get up and workout before they wake up.  ANYWAY,  I feel so sad and mad about this.  I need intimacy and now I don't really WANT it with him because I'm tired of ALWAYS being overlooked.  ANY advice?
 
May 5, 2006, 2:47 pm CDT

GROW UP

Quote From: saralouann

Im 22 and I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. We also share a 2 year old. We have a great sex life but I still think about other men. I flirt all the time with men over the internet and I have cheated on him several times. At first I figured it was an issue with our sex life but I have re-evaluated that and I do not think that is the issue. I love the thrill I have and the attention I get from other men.  

I do love my boyfriend. I just wish I was happy with being with JUST him. I seem to want others as well. How am I suppose to make our relationship work when I cant keep my eyes in my head?  

Grow up!!  You are someone's mother now, act like it.  There is no room in your life for this kind of behavior if you intend to be a good mother. 

 

People who cheat for the reasons you have cheated (the thrill, the attention) are emotionally immature and narcasistic.   

 

You need to give serious thought to who you are and start disciplining yourself to behave in a responsible way.  If you continue to play with fire like a little child you run the risk of serious, painful burns. No relationship you are in will work until you take control of your immature impulses.   

 

Your child is counting on you becoming the best of all you can be,  and this ain't it.  

 
May 5, 2006, 2:54 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: jenport

I've got a question, I could use your opinion / advice.   My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 5 kids.  The last 3 years I've been unhappy with our sex life.  He says that he's not attracted to me because I've got extra weight - that crushed me.  Am I wrong to take it personal?  Is that supposed to motivate me to shed the extra pounds?  I feel angry and hurt by this - I thought beauty was on the inside.  I agree that its important to take care of myself and I do exercise as I can - with 5 kids its a challenge but I try to get up and workout before they wake up.  ANYWAY,  I feel so sad and mad about this.  I need intimacy and now I don't really WANT it with him because I'm tired of ALWAYS being overlooked.  ANY advice?
If you don't mind me butting in...(if you do then disregaurd this message)...This is not your problem, this is your husband's problem. Yes, if he admits that your weight gain causes him to have a less of an animal attraction to you then that is valid and it would be nice of you to lose the weight for him.

But if he was rude and refuses to have sex with you because of this, if it gets to an emotionally abusive level then tha tis HIS problem

A couple that has been together for 10 years should have, by now, found something besides animal sexual physical attraction to get turned on by. I've been married for almost 7 years, my husband and I both have gained some weight. We don't have sex as often as we used to, but we DO have attraction to each other, even if it's NOT physical. We love each other, as you said, the beauty we see in each other is in the inside now even more then the outside.

So, if after 10 years he can't find something INSIDE you that turns him on then this is HIS problem.

If he was just being honest with you and admitting that your weight is a slight distraction for sexual attraction then, just lose the weight.
 
May 5, 2006, 3:00 pm CDT

Leigh and Jill

Jill doesn't have to go thru any books to learn how to stop biting Leigh while kissing. No medication or therapy required whatsoever. Leigh can heal her in a day or two. It's called the "Newton's Third Law of Force" - "For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction". Leigh just has to apply the theory on Jill. Whenever she bites him, give her a bite back and then she'll realize the fact that it hurts him. I don't think she's gonna take any hurtful bites !!!!! Especially on their wedding day, she's not going to like a bite scar on her face.   

 
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