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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Number of Replies: 408
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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May 1, 2006, 2:29 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

I have never ever ever ever understood how some men can have sex with their wife when they KNOW that their wife doesn't want to.

How can that possibly be enjoyable? Then add in paying for it? SICK!
 
May 1, 2006, 6:11 pm CDT

Sex desire 180 degrees apart

I agree that I could not imagine having sex with a woman that did not want to have sex. Totally degrading to her and a huge turn off for me. AND.... what to do when you love/want/desire/lust after your spouse and she has zero interest in any physically intimate activity? She says she is totally in love with me and yet we have arrived at a static friendship. We've been celibate for a year and a half and probably had sex a total of 5 times in the year before we stopped completely. We've been to marriage counseling, the ob/gyn, done the hormone thing, the anti-depressant thing, the testosterone shot/cream. Nothing works. And I love how these women talk about how 'if their man would do some housework they would be all over them...nothing is sexier than a man doing dishes or running the washing machine." Well, I've been all over that stuff for years...if she cooks a meal, I clean, and vice versa. I do most of the laundry, take out the trash, cut the grass, get the cars serviced. And she says it isn't me...she wouldn't want sex if Tom Selleck were in bed with her. So i sleep next to her every night (wanting her) get dressed each morning (loving her and getting excited by how she looks in the morning) and get the quick kiss good bye as we head for work..... What a life!
 
May 1, 2006, 7:22 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: indichuck

I agree that I could not imagine having sex with a woman that did not want to have sex. Totally degrading to her and a huge turn off for me. AND.... what to do when you love/want/desire/lust after your spouse and she has zero interest in any physically intimate activity? She says she is totally in love with me and yet we have arrived at a static friendship. We've been celibate for a year and a half and probably had sex a total of 5 times in the year before we stopped completely. We've been to marriage counseling, the ob/gyn, done the hormone thing, the anti-depressant thing, the testosterone shot/cream. Nothing works. And I love how these women talk about how 'if their man would do some housework they would be all over them...nothing is sexier than a man doing dishes or running the washing machine." Well, I've been all over that stuff for years...if she cooks a meal, I clean, and vice versa. I do most of the laundry, take out the trash, cut the grass, get the cars serviced. And she says it isn't me...she wouldn't want sex if Tom Selleck were in bed with her. So i sleep next to her every night (wanting her) get dressed each morning (loving her and getting excited by how she looks in the morning) and get the quick kiss good bye as we head for work..... What a life!
Maybe you aren't right for each other then.  I mean you have obviously tried everything and you are out of options. Maybe it's time to move on if sex is that important to you/not important to her at all.

Maybe she would agree to let you have some kind of a sexual out let. A girlfriend or a lover. I know many people will get on me for that but sex IS somewhat important and if you have tried everything and are this unhappy then it's time to do something drastic.
 
May 1, 2006, 9:24 pm CDT

Also

Quote From: indichuck

I agree that I could not imagine having sex with a woman that did not want to have sex. Totally degrading to her and a huge turn off for me. AND.... what to do when you love/want/desire/lust after your spouse and she has zero interest in any physically intimate activity? She says she is totally in love with me and yet we have arrived at a static friendship. We've been celibate for a year and a half and probably had sex a total of 5 times in the year before we stopped completely. We've been to marriage counseling, the ob/gyn, done the hormone thing, the anti-depressant thing, the testosterone shot/cream. Nothing works. And I love how these women talk about how 'if their man would do some housework they would be all over them...nothing is sexier than a man doing dishes or running the washing machine." Well, I've been all over that stuff for years...if she cooks a meal, I clean, and vice versa. I do most of the laundry, take out the trash, cut the grass, get the cars serviced. And she says it isn't me...she wouldn't want sex if Tom Selleck were in bed with her. So i sleep next to her every night (wanting her) get dressed each morning (loving her and getting excited by how she looks in the morning) and get the quick kiss good bye as we head for work..... What a life!
I would steer clear of stereo types when it comes to you own personal relationship. You shouldn't need stereotypes to figure out the kind of woman you wife is.

Not all women find doing dishes sexy...I certainly don't. I could care less. I find my husbands brain sexy. I literally get turned on when he starts talking about physics or evolution or history or computer programming. My husband is incredibly brainy and brainy turns me on bad.

What EXACTLY has she said to you about her sex drive? She sounds like she's not going to be fixed by doing something specific to turn her on. She sounds like she doesn't want to be "fixed"...a person has to be willing to fix the problem.
 
May 2, 2006, 7:40 am CDT

I know how you feel....

Quote From: indichuck

I agree that I could not imagine having sex with a woman that did not want to have sex. Totally degrading to her and a huge turn off for me. AND.... what to do when you love/want/desire/lust after your spouse and she has zero interest in any physically intimate activity? She says she is totally in love with me and yet we have arrived at a static friendship. We've been celibate for a year and a half and probably had sex a total of 5 times in the year before we stopped completely. We've been to marriage counseling, the ob/gyn, done the hormone thing, the anti-depressant thing, the testosterone shot/cream. Nothing works. And I love how these women talk about how 'if their man would do some housework they would be all over them...nothing is sexier than a man doing dishes or running the washing machine." Well, I've been all over that stuff for years...if she cooks a meal, I clean, and vice versa. I do most of the laundry, take out the trash, cut the grass, get the cars serviced. And she says it isn't me...she wouldn't want sex if Tom Selleck were in bed with her. So i sleep next to her every night (wanting her) get dressed each morning (loving her and getting excited by how she looks in the morning) and get the quick kiss good bye as we head for work..... What a life!

Except I'm fairly sure our stations in life are somewhat different.   

   

I'm in my early 20's, super energetic with a great sex drive and a pretty adventurous spirit (I worked in a adult novelty store for many years in what's considered the 'gay/bi/les district of our city, there's NOT MUCH that would shock me, or gross me out. I figure, you only live once, right?) and, not to toot my own horn here or anything, but I know I'm very attractive to both men AND women.   

   

My husband is eight years older than me, and as he has said and I quote "I've never been with a woman with a high sex drive, to be honest, sex was a chore in past relationships and I've never really been with someone who I felt wanted ME". My husband is the sweetest, smartest, sexiest man I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, let alone falling in love with so at first I was in shock - how could they just not want him? how could he live without sex altogther? I mean, not to go into graphic detail but he's definitly the only man I'd ever met not to recieve oral sex until the age of 28. I guess for the most part I understand, as he is a real gentleman and treats EVERY woman he comes across with absolute respect (one of the reasons I love him.) If he says his ex's just weren't that into sex I BELIEVE HIM. They seem for lack of a better word, like prudes, and seem to think that men can/should live without sex in a relationship. I'm sorry, but I can't live without sex in a relationship, so for me, this man putting up with all he has and not going crazy? He's a saint! I would have snapped a long time ago!  

   

MY PROBLEM? Our sex schedules totally clash. He's not very good at intiating sex, and while I took up the brunt of this for a long time and didn't mind, lately I am wishing he'd just pick me up and scoop me into that bedroom already! I mean, he tells me a million times a day how sexy he thinks I am - we can't walk down the street without him telling me this man and that man are checking me out - but we don't have sex! When we began dating we were like rabbits, and now, it's hardly once a week. He's told me it's not me and he's seeking help from his doctor, but I am extremley discouraged. I feel unwanted and absolutely alone. I used to love when he'd come home from work and now it's a time I dread because I know we'll just sit there like roomates or something, completley non-sexual. I feel as if I am stuck in a sexless marriage already - to be honest, i expected something like this maybe when kids come along, but hey, this is crazy! I wish I could just smack him upside the head. How is it a man can acknowledge and get crazy jealous over others looking at you etc. etc. but when it comes to 'getting down to business' there's nothing at all?   

   

....I'm afraid. I'm working so hard to keep myself having 'those feelings' for him and trying to keep this little family we've just begun building together. I feel as if I'm trying alone though, and part of me has begun to self talk, I'm young, hot and have my whole life waiting for me. What am I doing?!  

 
May 2, 2006, 7:50 am CDT

re: more

Quote From: purplepain

I would steer clear of stereo types when it comes to you own personal relationship. You shouldn't need stereotypes to figure out the kind of woman you wife is.

Not all women find doing dishes sexy...I certainly don't. I could care less. I find my husbands brain sexy. I literally get turned on when he starts talking about physics or evolution or history or computer programming. My husband is incredibly brainy and brainy turns me on bad.

What EXACTLY has she said to you about her sex drive? She sounds like she's not going to be fixed by doing something specific to turn her on. She sounds like she doesn't want to be "fixed"...a person has to be willing to fix the problem.

She has said that she WANTS to want to have sex...she just doesn't.  I simply added the part about doing things around the house not to sound sexy, but to illustrate that I'm not drinking beer on the couch, ignoring her and letting her do all the work and then expecting fireworks in the bedroom.  

We have had an amazing sexual relationship in the past, which is why a complete halt in any sexual touching,  french kissing, etc is so hard to take.  I am not saying that what I did turned her on then...or that whatever that was I have stopped doing.  I really have no idea at this point.  

It has just become such a very sore subject that communication about our sex life is fraught with peril...and to bring it up shows just how dissatisified I am with the marriage, which works against my goal of having a joyful, connected and loving marriage (for both of us.)  

Dr. Phil hits it right on the head when he says: "If you have a great sex life in your marriage, it accounts for about 10% of your happiness.  If you do not, then it accounts for 90% of your unhappiness."  

 
May 2, 2006, 12:54 pm CDT

It's My Turn

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years.  When he was at his sexual peak at 21 - I was there for him - having sex whenever, where ever he felt like it.  Now we are in our 40's.  I am at my peak - and he is not.  I have experienced his rejection more then I would like to admit.  He claims to be "Too tired" - "bad timing" - "worried about our children hearing us" - We live like we are brother and sister.  No screaming or fighting, but hardly any sex.  I always have to initiate it and then I am sadly rejected.  We have spoken about it - he thinks something is wrong with me - I went to the doctor and was told I'm normal.  I even asked him if he had a girlfriend or if he was gay.  To both questions the response was "no".  Any other women having this problem?  I am not over weight - although he is.  Yet I still desire him.  Any suggestions?  I am at the end of my rope.
 
May 2, 2006, 7:47 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: abbywill

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years.  When he was at his sexual peak at 21 - I was there for him - having sex whenever, where ever he felt like it.  Now we are in our 40's.  I am at my peak - and he is not.  I have experienced his rejection more then I would like to admit.  He claims to be "Too tired" - "bad timing" - "worried about our children hearing us" - We live like we are brother and sister.  No screaming or fighting, but hardly any sex.  I always have to initiate it and then I am sadly rejected.  We have spoken about it - he thinks something is wrong with me - I went to the doctor and was told I'm normal.  I even asked him if he had a girlfriend or if he was gay.  To both questions the response was "no".  Any other women having this problem?  I am not over weight - although he is.  Yet I still desire him.  Any suggestions?  I am at the end of my rope.
Well if he is over weight does this mean he doesn't work out and eat right?

That is the hugest cause of loss of sex drive. Any Dr or therapist will tell you this is true. Think about it. Men and women both need blood flow to their genitals to become aroused. If he isn't healthy that will inhibit that blood flow greatly.

He probably won't listen to you and he probably will deny that this is true and he probably will resist trying to lose weight or at least to exercise a few times a week. Ask him to at least see a Dr about it. I am willing to bet that if he got off his hiney and exercise a few times a week and improved his diet...nothing DRASTIC, just tweeked it a bit his sex drive would improve greatly.

This is true for women too. Women think that because they aren't men, that they don't have erections (they actually do) that their health doesn't matter for their sex drive, but it does.

Being healthy effects your whole body and all your organs, including your brain and your sex organs.

Seriously...get him to a Dr so he can hear a Dr say it, because likelyhood is if you say it he'll just ignore it or pass it over.

Many people how have a diminished sex drive don't care about it. They don't realize they miss it.
 
May 4, 2006, 12:10 am CDT

I hear you...

Quote From: dominolove

Except I'm fairly sure our stations in life are somewhat different.   

   

I'm in my early 20's, super energetic with a great sex drive and a pretty adventurous spirit (I worked in a adult novelty store for many years in what's considered the 'gay/bi/les district of our city, there's NOT MUCH that would shock me, or gross me out. I figure, you only live once, right?) and, not to toot my own horn here or anything, but I know I'm very attractive to both men AND women.   

   

My husband is eight years older than me, and as he has said and I quote "I've never been with a woman with a high sex drive, to be honest, sex was a chore in past relationships and I've never really been with someone who I felt wanted ME". My husband is the sweetest, smartest, sexiest man I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, let alone falling in love with so at first I was in shock - how could they just not want him? how could he live without sex altogther? I mean, not to go into graphic detail but he's definitly the only man I'd ever met not to recieve oral sex until the age of 28. I guess for the most part I understand, as he is a real gentleman and treats EVERY woman he comes across with absolute respect (one of the reasons I love him.) If he says his ex's just weren't that into sex I BELIEVE HIM. They seem for lack of a better word, like prudes, and seem to think that men can/should live without sex in a relationship. I'm sorry, but I can't live without sex in a relationship, so for me, this man putting up with all he has and not going crazy? He's a saint! I would have snapped a long time ago!  

   

MY PROBLEM? Our sex schedules totally clash. He's not very good at intiating sex, and while I took up the brunt of this for a long time and didn't mind, lately I am wishing he'd just pick me up and scoop me into that bedroom already! I mean, he tells me a million times a day how sexy he thinks I am - we can't walk down the street without him telling me this man and that man are checking me out - but we don't have sex! When we began dating we were like rabbits, and now, it's hardly once a week. He's told me it's not me and he's seeking help from his doctor, but I am extremley discouraged. I feel unwanted and absolutely alone. I used to love when he'd come home from work and now it's a time I dread because I know we'll just sit there like roomates or something, completley non-sexual. I feel as if I am stuck in a sexless marriage already - to be honest, i expected something like this maybe when kids come along, but hey, this is crazy! I wish I could just smack him upside the head. How is it a man can acknowledge and get crazy jealous over others looking at you etc. etc. but when it comes to 'getting down to business' there's nothing at all?   

   

....I'm afraid. I'm working so hard to keep myself having 'those feelings' for him and trying to keep this little family we've just begun building together. I feel as if I'm trying alone though, and part of me has begun to self talk, I'm young, hot and have my whole life waiting for me. What am I doing?!  

I am 22 yrs old, my boyfriend is 23 yr old. He is diabetic...which I think is related to his low sex drive. We are also is a loving, healthy committed relationship. We have been together for 5 year and we live together . This has been a problem that I discussed with him for over a year now...Nothing has changed! I  know he loves me but I get so sexual frustrated. I feel rejected..unwanted...SO...I feel like i crave attention from the opposite sex. I would never cheat on him....but I am getting to the point where I don't know whether the relationship is going to sustain this. I asked him to talk to his doctor...he was reluctant...said he would...but he hasn't made the appointment yet. Should I give him an ultimatatum to talk to his doctor or I am leaving? How long should I wait for him to get around to making this appointment? I am very anger at the situation because I feel like he is ignoring me and hoping I will just get over it. Obviously it isn't that important to him, because if it was....It would already been dealt with. I am not willing to give up sex...is there a happy medium?
 
May 4, 2006, 7:48 am CDT

i agree

Quote From: purplepain

I have never ever ever ever understood how some men can have sex with their wife when they KNOW that their wife doesn't want to.

How can that possibly be enjoyable? Then add in paying for it? SICK!
i cant understand how a man can treat his wife like crap call her names , disresect her and then expect her to enjoy sex or want to have it.  i alkso dont see how these women can  do it either.
 
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