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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Number of Replies: 408
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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May 4, 2006, 9:36 am CDT

too late

Quote From: purplepain

Well if he is over weight does this mean he doesn't work out and eat right?

That is the hugest cause of loss of sex drive. Any Dr or therapist will tell you this is true. Think about it. Men and women both need blood flow to their genitals to become aroused. If he isn't healthy that will inhibit that blood flow greatly.

He probably won't listen to you and he probably will deny that this is true and he probably will resist trying to lose weight or at least to exercise a few times a week. Ask him to at least see a Dr about it. I am willing to bet that if he got off his hiney and exercise a few times a week and improved his diet...nothing DRASTIC, just tweeked it a bit his sex drive would improve greatly.

This is true for women too. Women think that because they aren't men, that they don't have erections (they actually do) that their health doesn't matter for their sex drive, but it does.

Being healthy effects your whole body and all your organs, including your brain and your sex organs.

Seriously...get him to a Dr so he can hear a Dr say it, because likelyhood is if you say it he'll just ignore it or pass it over.

Many people how have a diminished sex drive don't care about it. They don't realize they miss it.

I've been going through this for a little while now, my husband doesn't want sex EVER...why did he marry me anyway, he knows I have a high sex drive. It's like freakin torture and I don't want to committ adultry.  The topic of sex come up again the other night and BAM now I am looking at a divorce and why, you ask, because he can't deal with his issues. It's like I can't satisfy him no matter what I do. I can't even make supper right anymore. I don't know what his problem is... I have tried to be patient with him after all he says that It's only going to work if there is no tension. So I try to be patient, loving, and gentle, I give him back rubs at night because he works so hard. I don't complain... even though I want to. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING WRONG. Now he sleeps on the couch and i'm in the bed room. It's been that way for a while now. Can you tell we have been married for only one and a half years. I even approached the subject of going to see the Doctor, I had to do that very gently, even then he said that a divorce was imminent. It was a concern, I wasn't asking for a divorce. Well I guess that's what I got anyway.  

 
May 4, 2006, 12:37 pm CDT

I hear ya!

Quote From: davis33

I am 22 yrs old, my boyfriend is 23 yr old. He is diabetic...which I think is related to his low sex drive. We are also is a loving, healthy committed relationship. We have been together for 5 year and we live together . This has been a problem that I discussed with him for over a year now...Nothing has changed! I  know he loves me but I get so sexual frustrated. I feel rejected..unwanted...SO...I feel like i crave attention from the opposite sex. I would never cheat on him....but I am getting to the point where I don't know whether the relationship is going to sustain this. I asked him to talk to his doctor...he was reluctant...said he would...but he hasn't made the appointment yet. Should I give him an ultimatatum to talk to his doctor or I am leaving? How long should I wait for him to get around to making this appointment? I am very anger at the situation because I feel like he is ignoring me and hoping I will just get over it. Obviously it isn't that important to him, because if it was....It would already been dealt with. I am not willing to give up sex...is there a happy medium?

Girl, that is exactly where I stand. 

  

If this was nearly as important to him, he'd deal with it. I've tried my best to steer my thinking away from such things, as I know it will only making the situation worse, but I just can't help it. I go out of my way to show that things he asks of me are important by getting them done and getting them done with a smile. 

  

Why oh why can't it be the same? 

 
May 4, 2006, 2:59 pm CDT

LOL- Overweight=a lesser sex drive

Quote From: purplepain

Well if he is over weight does this mean he doesn't work out and eat right?

That is the hugest cause of loss of sex drive. Any Dr or therapist will tell you this is true. Think about it. Men and women both need blood flow to their genitals to become aroused. If he isn't healthy that will inhibit that blood flow greatly.

He probably won't listen to you and he probably will deny that this is true and he probably will resist trying to lose weight or at least to exercise a few times a week. Ask him to at least see a Dr about it. I am willing to bet that if he got off his hiney and exercise a few times a week and improved his diet...nothing DRASTIC, just tweeked it a bit his sex drive would improve greatly.

This is true for women too. Women think that because they aren't men, that they don't have erections (they actually do) that their health doesn't matter for their sex drive, but it does.

Being healthy effects your whole body and all your organs, including your brain and your sex organs.

Seriously...get him to a Dr so he can hear a Dr say it, because likelyhood is if you say it he'll just ignore it or pass it over.

Many people how have a diminished sex drive don't care about it. They don't realize they miss it.
I just dated a man who was overweight and he wanted sex 24/7 and he would do anything to get it. That's why I had to go- because I have 3 kids and I had a bad yeast infection creep up on me-gardnerella and I had to go to the hospital because of the abdominal pain. I left and even later on I found out I had mono. I wonder who he was kissing or if I got it off of my school age kids somehow (I don't know if they had it or not). People replace things with sex or sex with other things and sometimes they end up forgetting how nice real love making can be.
 
May 4, 2006, 3:03 pm CDT

Yuck

I'm sorry, but after viewing the clip of the woman who gets off on biting, I'm going to have to pass on this show, lol.  I know everyone's got their "thang," but that was just a bit icky.
 
May 4, 2006, 3:14 pm CDT

Ben needs to respect Christy

Ben, to treat your wife as a commodity is simply wrong. She's not some drive thru doormat that you can "pay for" like a whore or some kind of sex object you can scrutinize to your every desire. If you really want to make her feel like a woman, think outside of the bedroom. There is so much missing from her life with you, that's why she don't want sex like you do. Start over by being a friend to her- be patient and treat her as if you were first together and hadn't had sex at all. Then find out what is important to her and reprioritize your agenda. Then maybe she will be more turned on and willing to be a partner, not a ready-to-order-and-pay-for-piece-of-ass. 

Christy, I'm glad you stood up for yourself. It may take time for Ben to learn what real life is. I hope you two can take the time to grow together. God bless u both. 

 
May 4, 2006, 6:44 pm CDT

I HATE it!!

What am I supposed to do when I just can't stand ANY sexual contact? My hubby sulks everytime I say no, yet he knows what I'm going to say. How can my marriage work when I just won't have any sexual contact? I thought we were meant to love each other because of WHO we were, and work together as a team, and love and raise our kids. I didn't realise that sex was the main priority and nothing else would work if he didn't 'get it' on a regualr basis. I want a team-mate in my man. I am just not willing to have sex. I don't EVER want sex again. What am I meant to do?
 
May 4, 2006, 7:03 pm CDT

...and if it's reversed?

Quote From: shawnigan

I've been going through this for a little while now, my husband doesn't want sex EVER...why did he marry me anyway, he knows I have a high sex drive. It's like freakin torture and I don't want to committ adultry.  The topic of sex come up again the other night and BAM now I am looking at a divorce and why, you ask, because he can't deal with his issues. It's like I can't satisfy him no matter what I do. I can't even make supper right anymore. I don't know what his problem is... I have tried to be patient with him after all he says that It's only going to work if there is no tension. So I try to be patient, loving, and gentle, I give him back rubs at night because he works so hard. I don't complain... even though I want to. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING WRONG. Now he sleeps on the couch and i'm in the bed room. It's been that way for a while now. Can you tell we have been married for only one and a half years. I even approached the subject of going to see the Doctor, I had to do that very gently, even then he said that a divorce was imminent. It was a concern, I wasn't asking for a divorce. Well I guess that's what I got anyway.  

I am anticipating replies to your message, as I am in the same boat as your hubby. I am the one who has moved out of the bedroom, and can't stand sex. We started out O.K., then I started loosing interest but kept 'putting out' for him, then I started asking myself why I should have to when I didn't want to. I feel sorry for Hubby, but just can't lie there and grit my teeth any longer. I want our marriage to work, but without the sex. 

We now have seperate rooms and he has stopped pressuring so much, and after sevaral months, I reached out and gave him a cuddle. First one I've given volintarily for ages. 

Any chance of telling Hubby that you want to make a marriage work, and will love him even if he never has sex again? If you remind him of the things you love about him, he may feel less pressure, and start to relax with you. Do things together that don't involve touch - board games, card games, video and popcorn on seperate couches... give him as much space as he needs - can he have his own room for as long as he needs it? Quit grumbling about it - that just puts pressure on him and pushes him away further and faster. Learn to satisfy yourself as much as you can, and enjoy the good side of him. Leave the physical side to him. He probably needs to know that you love him more than sex, and will not leave him because of it. 

That is what I am wanting and needing from my hubby. 

 
May 4, 2006, 8:40 pm CDT

How do two ends meet?

What I want to know is how come its always the men that seem to want it more? Whats wrong with you women out there???? I have recently had my first child and my sex drive never changed throughout preganncy!!! My fiancees did however and it has never picked up again. Im frustrated to no means. I feel like he thinks hed be sleeping with HIS mother. I have discussed it with him, and he has the same blase attitude I think most women take on. "Its just sex" or "I dont feel like it right now" I mean come on. If all men are the same, then why is he so different? And NO, he is not having an affair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
May 5, 2006, 2:02 am CDT

send me a copy of the menu

  I would like a copy of that menu for my husband and I.  I am happy with my husband and I think  it would be great for me because my husband is in Iraq. This is something that a wife would send to her man so far away. Think about it ladies, if you were in my shoes? It can be a game for the both of you. And when he comes home he will be happy to play for a good minute... So dr. Phil please send me a copy of it...I like to send it to my husband....Willing to do anything...tina
 
May 5, 2006, 3:14 am CDT

Sex Styles

It's been studied several times ... over a normal lifetime females and males will say no to sex at about the same rate. Women  will normally say no when they're young and men when they're old.

Over the years in reading Dear Abby and Anne Landers the number of women complaining about too much sex and the number complaining about not enough are roughly equal. The difference is the men do not talk about it and women blame the men; that's probably the only difference between the sexes.

We need to get the men to talk about sex & desire.
We need to get the women to stop blaming and shaming the men.
We need to get all to understand the human need for sexual closeness (regardless of form).

It's not a difficult problem to fix IF you care about your partner. Therein lies the problem, there are a LOT of people (both sexes) who do not care about their partner.
 
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