Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

at the begining of the show, Dr. Phil said that the kids might need to leave the room.  At 12 and 13, i felt that the boys are old enough to hear some things.  However, when Dr Phil was reading the Chez Chrissy menu I realized there were things that the boys didn't need to hear....  

now  the 12 y/o wants to know what "rump roast" means.  do i explain that, or just let it go...frankly, i'm not even sure what it means on that menu!!! 

Very true..I do need to grow up. Im not sure if its my age that makes me act this way or what it is really. Most of the time when I tell someone how I feel, I get burned with, its just your age and you didnt get to "sew your wild oats" To an extent, its true. I dont party, I dont go to bars, I dont do anything a normal person my age would do. Ive been this way through every relationship I've ever had though. So I know it cant be that. 

You say Im emotionally immature. How do I correct it then? I dont have any money so I cant really go see someone about this issue. I've had tons of advice, but nothing really meaningful. 

And Im a very good mother. Just because I am attracted to other men does not make me any less of a mother.  

Im not sure if I want to be with just him. I care deeply about him and about all that we have accomplished. I've never been on my own and its a scary thing for me. 

My daughter will always come first. I would never let her suffer for my actions. My sex life and my daughter are two totally diff. subjects. 

I had to take a phone call and I missed two things on today's show and am hoping that someone could fill me in. I was wondering if the the answer Dr. Phil gave the woman who had a menu of sex options when she asked him if what they were doing was considered prositution?  

The other question will show how naive I am. Even though I'm 25 years old, I have never had a boyfriend so you can forget about more than a limited amount of sexual knowledge. Now the guest who was also a college student who couldn't say certain words because they had a sexual context has got me totally confused. What the hell is close to Cheese Nips in sex???? Thanks in advance for your answers!   

(been married for 16) because he didn't want to listen to me when I told him what he needed and I got tired of "servicing" him and not getting anything out of it.  How can you get anything out of it when it lasts for 2 minutes start to finish, no foreplay, he's done and rolling over, and you're just thinking of getting started, but he doesn't care.  Orgasm?  Forget it.  He didn't care as long as he had his, whether I was satisfied or not was of no concern to him.   

 I now have 4 lovers, 2 married, 2 single.  They came on to me, not me to them.  The 2 married ones have wives that either won't put out at all,  or put out once a month--if that, but he can tell she's only doing it because he wants it, she doesn't enjoy it.  They are starving--not so much for sex but for attention to them as a person, and most of all, the affection that they are deprived of at home.  Their wives do not appreciate what they do for them, and both are staying in the marrige because it would cost them too much financially to leave and start over, one being in their mid 40's and the other early 60's.  They bend over backwards for their women, but are treated like crap in the bedroom.  The 40 something has offered to go to counseling with his wife but she refuses since to her there is no problem.   

Hi jenport.  My hat is off to you - FIVE kids is a huge job to work 24/7, as I'm sure you do!!   

I totally understand your feelings being crushed when your husband said he's not as attracted to you because of the extra weight.  I know how that hurt, really I do. And unfortunately you are in the place in life where you have so little time for yourself that I know losing weight and getting enough exercise can be very difficult.     

You are right, true beauty is on the inside.  It is even more important to have that true beauty in yourself and your partner in later years when outer beauty fades with age.  But for now, here is something worth remembering...Men and woman are so different in all areas, but especially when it comes to sex.  Women are turned on by what the hear and feel emotionally from their men, but men are turned on strictly by what they see with their own two eyes.  They can't help it - they are just hardwired this way.     

I know that is not fair, but there you are.  So, as mothers who have given birth to multiple children and wear the effects on our bodies what are we to do????  First, even though his attitude hurt your feelings, don't blame him for being who he was born to be (a man).  He really can't help that he is a visually stimulated creature.  And while there are lots of men who love bigger women, he is apparently not one of them.  So....don't take it personally!    

Second, instead of wasting any energy being hurt or feeling unloved make a commitment to yourself to love yourself better.  When we love ourselves better we naturally take better care of ourselves.  Don't wait for him or anyone else to motivate you to lose weight - find that motivation inside yourself.  Set small goals every day to make yourself a priority in your own life.  When he sees you doing that and being less unhappy with him I really believe his attraction will be revived.   

Don't make the mistake of getting stuck in the sadness and anger!  Accept what is and set about taking steps to change the parts of your reality you don't like.     

Try to remind yourself every day about the things you love about your husband, work on keeping those loving feelings going so that you don't stay angry at him for making you feel rejected.  Intimacy is hard to acheive when we don't feel emotionally safe enough to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, I know.  But take back your control over this situation by refusing to feel like a victim or a reject.  Refuse to see yourself that way and certainly don't act that way.  You can do this!!! I will be pulling for you :)   

p.s.  just in case this helps you with losing weight here is how my doctor helped me to lose 24 pounds in the last 6 months:  Within 15 minutes of getting up in the morning you must eat a bite of something protein. (I usually have a teaspoon of peanut butter or a little block or cheese).  Then, within an hour or two eat a full breakfast.  Throughout the day you MUST eat 6 bites of something every 2 hours- this is the secret to keeping your body from holding onto its fat because you never give it a chance to think it is hungry.  Then eat dinner at least 3 hours before bedtime.  While you are trying to lose the weight you have to give up all breads, pototoes, pasta and rice (I KNOW, a real sacrifice for most of us women!) Oh, and no oatmeal or cereals.  I never feel deprived because I am eating all day and I really have lost 24 lbs without it killing me to do so.  Hope some of what I have written helps you!!!   

I have been living w/my girlfriend for 10 years and she stopped me cold during our first year of cohabitation.  The law laid down was, only she could initiate any contact and since then, no contact.  She says "I love you" but the wall of non-intimacy she has built is inpenatrable.  I plan to move on as soon as i can, even though I feel that she has always been the one for me.  I am a great cook and keep house equally, take full responsibility for all bills, am in great shape and know i could date at will.   

I have stayed so long only out of loyalty, but when the summer comes and we sell our condo, i'm moving back home to hawaii and will probably avoid getting too close to another woman for quite a while.   

I believe that when a woman loses her 'spark' for a particular individual, there is no way to reignite it...that's why so many marriages have a sexless aspect...the wife has lost it (for a million different reasons) for her husband...i only regret that i have used 10 solid years of my life chasing the unobtainable...i hope that i have learned my life's lesson here and that things will be different in my next relationship.  

Doctor Phil. I think that kissing is better then biting. But biting is no good except when you have a dog or cat in your own home. Now that is much better then biting a person then their kiss togeth- 

er. See you next week. By the way I will not beable to see you on Saturday July 29th, 2006 becau- 

se I will be out of town on a bussiness meeting in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Well I had bette- 

r close now. Sincerley Your. Russell