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Topic : 05/12 Toxic Relationships

Number of Replies: 410
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Created on : Friday, May 05, 2006, 07:05:23 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you know someone who turns your stomach or makes you cringe the minute they walk into the room? If so, Dr. Phil has advice for managing toxic relationships. Janet left her husband, Mark, on 10 separate occasions in their first year of marriage. She says she’s tired of being his maid and concubine, and of putting up with his lying, and his selfish and unsympathetic ways. Mark thinks Janet needs to get over her deep-seated issues. Why does she keep tolerating his behavior, and is he the only one at fault? Then, Gay and MG say their lives are being torn apart by their daughter, Summer’s, hostility and abuse. They say she lies about illnesses, verbally attacks them and blames them for her chaotic lifestyle. Summer feels betrayed by her parents and even accuses them of taking away her child. Find out Gay’s ultimatum to Summer and share your thoughts here.

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May 6, 2006, 7:31 am CDT

Truth is stranger than fiction

Real people are stranger than  characters in a book......... We have several cousins (the other side of the family of course):>) that are real bossy perfectionists. When someone on their side of the family passed away they let us know that we could only order flowers from one flower shop  so that all the flowers would match!! They told this  to everyone. Well,all the flowers matched. I just thought it was kind of funny. I try not to have too much contact because they are very critical of everybody else. I saw a funny cookbook at the bookstore yesterday - It was a cookbook for funeral luncheons. It was called "Being Dead is No Excuse" (The guide to the perfect funeral) :>) I laughed seeing it - something they might use on Desperate Housewives or my relatives!!!
 
May 11, 2006, 8:40 am CDT

our relationship is being destroyed

I need an opinion.  I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years.  We have been living together a little over a year of that.  I have had immense trouble from his x-wife and also the relationship with his 10 year old daughter.  It’s been a very emotional relationship as far as being accepted into his side of the family.  His x-wife didn’t want the divorce and for years they had a traumatic marriage.  He ran around, cheated and for the life of me I don’t know why she stayed with him.  I knew him before his divorce, he would always tell me he was getting divorced trying to get me to go out with him and I would respond, you get a divorce and maybe we’ll go out.  He eventually moved out and got the divorce and we started dating.  I told him from the onset that I would never tolerate his treatment towards me as his relationship was with her.  In the beginning we did everything we could not to be around anywhere that she would be and considerate of her feelings.  Once we moved in together and she had actually dated others, we were invited to a party at his parent’s friend’s house whom she is friends with their daughter.  She was therefore, invited too.  It was his weekend to have their daughter and we had her with us at the party and had decided we would just stay a little while because of the situation and then leave.  His x-wife was drinking and glaring at me the whole time.  I walked into the house to use the restroom and as I opened the door to come out she was there before I even got the door open on top of me hitting me in the head and ribs with her fists until finally someone pulled her off of me.  I was lodged between the toilet and bathtub from the fall and all I could do was put my arms over my face to protect myself.  She done this with her daughter there, I was shocked.  Because of the circumstance being at his parent’s friend’s house and due to the fact that she’s friend with their daughter nobody would call the police.  Therefore, we immediately left and went to the local Sheriff’s department and I pressed assult charges and then went to the hospital where I had golf ball sized lumps on my head and cracked ribs.  We ended up going to court and my boyfriend’s sister-in-law appeared that day as well along with his x-wife to support her which caused more hard feelings of course.  Once this happened everything, including my relationship with my boyfriend’s daughter became very complicated and has been very painful in many ways over the last year.    

   

  

When I first met his daughter she was accepting of me and liked me.  I got along fine with her and it seemed to be pretty easy going after all the worry about it.  Once this all took place, his daughter was caught up in the middle and basically her mother turned her against me.  She knows full well that we do not like each other and because of that evening we can’t be in the same place.  The x-wife is still on probation and has a restraining order on her to protect me.  She has pushed it several times appearing where we are and calling our house hanging up, it’s been endless.  

   

  

The problem now is I cannot deal with anything that involves the x-wife or the child.  It has made our relationship so difficult that I am afraid in the end it’s going to destroy us.  I don’t’ know how we have made it together enduring everything but somehow we have.  One day, my boyfriend had to work on Saturday so he tells her she can stay with me until he’s home and she gets hysterical and says that if she does, her Mom will ground her and she will be in trouble.  We tried to explain that it wouldn’t be her that got into trouble, if her Mom was going to be mad at anyone it would be us.  Also, we tried to explain that when she is at our house, for his weekend visitations, it’s his decision to make.  This is where the trouble really began.  The problem is anytime he has to work on the weekend, he has to call her Mother and take her home early in the morning or the evening before, or he’ll call all around looking for a sitter.  Because her Mother says she can’t be with me or go anywhere with me, he goes along with this not to complicate things but the only thing it’s doing is hurting me more and more and making me feel despise towards this child because it’s causing us so much trouble.  I rarely talk to her unless I have to, and I keep my distance because frankly I have been hurt more times than I can possibly mention on here over this whole situation.  Last weekend, he had to work and we had her and so he called his sister to come and get her at 10 on Friday night and then picked up back up on Saturday rather than her just stay at the house.  If I were a bad person, if it was not a good environment then I would understand.  I have raised two wonderful children whom are 19 and 21.  My daughter just finished her freshman year in college.  I would never have lost my control so bad with my kids around to assult someone.  She has done so much damage to this child mentally that I fear it will scar her for the rest of her life and to be honest the child is getting to be just like her Mother.  She even called our house one time and insisted to her father that he break up with me because she didn’t like me and that her Mother broke up with her boyfriend because she didn’t like him.  Her mother told a huge lie to her, it was the man that broke it off with her because he didn’t feel she was someone he would like to take home and meet his kids.  The child will do anything that she knows will cause conflict between her father and I.  He is blinded by this whole ordeal and thinks I need to just get over it and that I shouldn’t let any of this bother me.  His justification for not putting his foot down while she’s at our house and just saying look you’ll stay here until I get home is that I wouldn’t have allowed my x-husbands girlfriend to watch my kids while they were little.  I said if they were living together in a serious relationship I would have no choice.  It’s a lost cause and I do try to just harden myself to it and it’s why I have to block the child out as well because I am tired of being made to feel that I am not worthy enough for this child to stay with me.  Although, I am good enough to go shopping for her, cook her dinner, buy her Christmas, birthday gifts, my paycheck goes into this too as well as what he pays in child support.  He does not correct this child, anything she wants, he agrees even if he knows that I don’t agree with it.  I do not try to be her parent, or I do not set her rules as well as I don’t say anything about discipline I don’t feel it’s my place.  I let him do that or not do that it’s not my concern.  He pushes her on me, trying to force me to have a relationship with her, saying you don’t love my daughter when we get into fights over it and he doesn’t even try to understand my feelings.  I see her as her Mother and frankly just a downright spoiled brat.  I know some of this isn’t her fault and I know she’s suffered too, but I just cannot set myself up for anymore hurt by any of them.  I have a huge wall built up.  My problem is, I don’t know how to keep it from affecting our relationship.  I can’t even talk to him about his kid, he’s so blinded and it’s quite sickening the way he goes on about her that I don’t’ want to hear anything about her.  He even has said well your daughter can babysit her and that’s another problem he’ll throw up to me that I think my daughter is perfect and I say I know she isn’t perfect, but she’s mine and I love her and she’s a pretty good kid.  I know she has faults just like they all do.  

   

  

I’m sure someone else has had this type of circumstance with their boyfriend’s kid(s) or stepchildren and how do you handle the x-wife and him going along with her rules because he can’t stand up to her and the bad feelings towards the kid(s).  I feel so immature over it and I keep thinking is it me, my fault why can’t I get over it but I just can’t.  I’m actually going to be going to counseling at the end of the month to get a professional opinion.  I feel very vindictive and angry with the whole situation and it is hurting our relationship.  I’ve seriously considered leaving him to get away from it all.  I’d love to hear from anyone that may have some advice. Good or bad thank you.    

 
May 11, 2006, 12:04 pm CDT

emotionally drained

  I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse.  He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does.  I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad.  He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while.  He is great in school and is full of life.  My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time.  In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem!  He said if that is what he is then that is what he is!  I completely disagree.  I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does.  He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him.  He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer.  We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him.  My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him.  The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week!  I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone.  My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work.  We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school.  I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair.  My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad.  HELP!!!!  

  

 The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed.  Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them.  I have begged my  husband to mend the relationship and he refuses.  He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him.  How could I do that???  I could not see my kids torn apart.  I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give.  They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them.  He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home.  I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at  such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents.   I tell my husband carefully  how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace.  He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is  the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.    

  

If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy?????  

 
May 11, 2006, 1:53 pm CDT

05/12 Toxic Relationships

Quote From: benjione

  I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse.  He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does.  I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad.  He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while.  He is great in school and is full of life.  My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time.  In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem!  He said if that is what he is then that is what he is!  I completely disagree.  I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does.  He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him.  He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer.  We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him.  My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him.  The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week!  I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone.  My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work.  We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school.  I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair.  My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad.  HELP!!!!  

  

 The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed.  Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them.  I have begged my  husband to mend the relationship and he refuses.  He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him.  How could I do that???  I could not see my kids torn apart.  I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give.  They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them.  He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home.  I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at  such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents.   I tell my husband carefully  how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace.  He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is  the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.    

  

If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy?????  

If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy?????   

  

It doesn't sound like your husband is concerned with anyone's happiness.  Only controlling you and your child.   

 
May 11, 2006, 2:44 pm CDT

emotinally drained

Quote From: janelles13

If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy?????   

  

It doesn't sound like your husband is concerned with anyone's happiness.  Only controlling you and your child.   

  My husband says that he is not controlling because he doesn't tell me what to do, where I can go, or how I am spending our money (which I control.)  I tried by being the better person today by asking him to put this behind us and asked him to do the same and once again he has said that he did not do anything wrong...but I did EVERYTHING wrong with the situation with our son Chris.   

  

How  can I punish a boy for one week in his room for his little brother falling and hurting himself.  He feels bad enough that his brother got hurt!   

  

Are all the red flags being waived and am I in denial of seeing that??? PLEASE RESPOND! 

  

 
May 11, 2006, 4:05 pm CDT

I feel sorry for you

Quote From: zapatosred

Real people are stranger than  characters in a book......... We have several cousins (the other side of the family of course):>) that are real bossy perfectionists. When someone on their side of the family passed away they let us know that we could only order flowers from one flower shop  so that all the flowers would match!! They told this  to everyone. Well,all the flowers matched. I just thought it was kind of funny. I try not to have too much contact because they are very critical of everybody else. I saw a funny cookbook at the bookstore yesterday - It was a cookbook for funeral luncheons. It was called "Being Dead is No Excuse" (The guide to the perfect funeral) :>) I laughed seeing it - something they might use on Desperate Housewives or my relatives!!!

I don't think that I have an answer to your problem, but feel very, very sorry for you.  Too bad that you couldn't have seen what kind of guy he was before you had a child together.  Your little Chri will be scarred badly with having to live with a man that treats him like this.  I don't know how you can make your husband see what he is doing is WRONG.  The punishment doesn't fit the "crime" and he is only a child too.  I do think that, going behind your husbands back and taking Chris to his science fair was wrong, but know how you must have felt.  Your husband has no right to discipline your son......he is yours and it should be your say in how and when to discipline.  Now with Kyle, it is different.  It is sad that the grandparents are kept from their grandson and also sad that Chris can't see them.  They need each other.  You will have deep regrets if something happens to either of them and you have not mended the relationship.  If I were you, I would go visit them and take Chris and Kyle.  I know that your husband says it would be disrespecting him, but when someone is so unreasonable, then you have to do what you know is the right thing.  Wish I had a better answer for you.  Is there a third party that you could go to for an opinion that he would respect?  He needs councelling badly.  Hope all turns out, but if not, then you may have to leave for Chris and your sake.  

   

This response is to another post and was not meant to be here.  Hope you know who I am talking about.  

 
May 12, 2006, 2:50 am CDT

Hi

Quote From: benjione

  My husband says that he is not controlling because he doesn't tell me what to do, where I can go, or how I am spending our money (which I control.)  I tried by being the better person today by asking him to put this behind us and asked him to do the same and once again he has said that he did not do anything wrong...but I did EVERYTHING wrong with the situation with our son Chris.   

  

How  can I punish a boy for one week in his room for his little brother falling and hurting himself.  He feels bad enough that his brother got hurt!   

  

Are all the red flags being waived and am I in denial of seeing that??? PLEASE RESPOND! 

  

Hi, I must say that my heart bleeds for little Chris, please you have to do something and soon, you cannot stand by and let your husband treat your son this way, it is not fair. You also need to mend the fences with your parents. How would you feel if someone comes into your son's lives at a later stage and due to them, you end up being estranged from your sons and their future children? I would quite simply put my foot down, move out with both boys if you have to. All I know for sure is that my son is my life and over my dead body would someone enforce a punishment on him that I don't deem fit for the 'crime'. If someone even tried they would come up against me!! I would suggest an intervention with your husband, get a local councillor or someone from your church to facilitate it. Don't attack him, maybe he really just doesnt realise what he is doing. Maybe he is also battling adjusting to having a child of his own, and having those feelings towards Kyle, that he just can't seem to summon up for Chris and he feels guilty about that. An intervention may make him realise what he is doing. Please do something about it, for Chris's sake if for nothing else.
 
May 12, 2006, 4:36 am CDT

Have Been For Years

When I was married I was in a toxic relationship. Every day I felt like I was walking on eggshells with my ex and his family. Now, he passed away as did his mom recently. His brother calls and is afraid I would hate him. Nobody really talks to him he said. Well, we have to treat people well. People avoid him cause if we say something he does not like, he hollers. Don't EVEN discuss politics with this man.
 
May 12, 2006, 5:58 am CDT

not going to change

Quote From: raineday1

I need an opinion.  I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years.  We have been living together a little over a year of that.  I have had immense trouble from his x-wife and also the relationship with his 10 year old daughter.  It’s been a very emotional relationship as far as being accepted into his side of the family.  His x-wife didn’t want the divorce and for years they had a traumatic marriage.  He ran around, cheated and for the life of me I don’t know why she stayed with him.  I knew him before his divorce, he would always tell me he was getting divorced trying to get me to go out with him and I would respond, you get a divorce and maybe we’ll go out.  He eventually moved out and got the divorce and we started dating.  I told him from the onset that I would never tolerate his treatment towards me as his relationship was with her.  In the beginning we did everything we could not to be around anywhere that she would be and considerate of her feelings.  Once we moved in together and she had actually dated others, we were invited to a party at his parent’s friend’s house whom she is friends with their daughter.  She was therefore, invited too.  It was his weekend to have their daughter and we had her with us at the party and had decided we would just stay a little while because of the situation and then leave.  His x-wife was drinking and glaring at me the whole time.  I walked into the house to use the restroom and as I opened the door to come out she was there before I even got the door open on top of me hitting me in the head and ribs with her fists until finally someone pulled her off of me.  I was lodged between the toilet and bathtub from the fall and all I could do was put my arms over my face to protect myself.  She done this with her daughter there, I was shocked.  Because of the circumstance being at his parent’s friend’s house and due to the fact that she’s friend with their daughter nobody would call the police.  Therefore, we immediately left and went to the local Sheriff’s department and I pressed assult charges and then went to the hospital where I had golf ball sized lumps on my head and cracked ribs.  We ended up going to court and my boyfriend’s sister-in-law appeared that day as well along with his x-wife to support her which caused more hard feelings of course.  Once this happened everything, including my relationship with my boyfriend’s daughter became very complicated and has been very painful in many ways over the last year.    

   

  

When I first met his daughter she was accepting of me and liked me.  I got along fine with her and it seemed to be pretty easy going after all the worry about it.  Once this all took place, his daughter was caught up in the middle and basically her mother turned her against me.  She knows full well that we do not like each other and because of that evening we can’t be in the same place.  The x-wife is still on probation and has a restraining order on her to protect me.  She has pushed it several times appearing where we are and calling our house hanging up, it’s been endless.  

   

  

The problem now is I cannot deal with anything that involves the x-wife or the child.  It has made our relationship so difficult that I am afraid in the end it’s going to destroy us.  I don’t’ know how we have made it together enduring everything but somehow we have.  One day, my boyfriend had to work on Saturday so he tells her she can stay with me until he’s home and she gets hysterical and says that if she does, her Mom will ground her and she will be in trouble.  We tried to explain that it wouldn’t be her that got into trouble, if her Mom was going to be mad at anyone it would be us.  Also, we tried to explain that when she is at our house, for his weekend visitations, it’s his decision to make.  This is where the trouble really began.  The problem is anytime he has to work on the weekend, he has to call her Mother and take her home early in the morning or the evening before, or he’ll call all around looking for a sitter.  Because her Mother says she can’t be with me or go anywhere with me, he goes along with this not to complicate things but the only thing it’s doing is hurting me more and more and making me feel despise towards this child because it’s causing us so much trouble.  I rarely talk to her unless I have to, and I keep my distance because frankly I have been hurt more times than I can possibly mention on here over this whole situation.  Last weekend, he had to work and we had her and so he called his sister to come and get her at 10 on Friday night and then picked up back up on Saturday rather than her just stay at the house.  If I were a bad person, if it was not a good environment then I would understand.  I have raised two wonderful children whom are 19 and 21.  My daughter just finished her freshman year in college.  I would never have lost my control so bad with my kids around to assult someone.  She has done so much damage to this child mentally that I fear it will scar her for the rest of her life and to be honest the child is getting to be just like her Mother.  She even called our house one time and insisted to her father that he break up with me because she didn’t like me and that her Mother broke up with her boyfriend because she didn’t like him.  Her mother told a huge lie to her, it was the man that broke it off with her because he didn’t feel she was someone he would like to take home and meet his kids.  The child will do anything that she knows will cause conflict between her father and I.  He is blinded by this whole ordeal and thinks I need to just get over it and that I shouldn’t let any of this bother me.  His justification for not putting his foot down while she’s at our house and just saying look you’ll stay here until I get home is that I wouldn’t have allowed my x-husbands girlfriend to watch my kids while they were little.  I said if they were living together in a serious relationship I would have no choice.  It’s a lost cause and I do try to just harden myself to it and it’s why I have to block the child out as well because I am tired of being made to feel that I am not worthy enough for this child to stay with me.  Although, I am good enough to go shopping for her, cook her dinner, buy her Christmas, birthday gifts, my paycheck goes into this too as well as what he pays in child support.  He does not correct this child, anything she wants, he agrees even if he knows that I don’t agree with it.  I do not try to be her parent, or I do not set her rules as well as I don’t say anything about discipline I don’t feel it’s my place.  I let him do that or not do that it’s not my concern.  He pushes her on me, trying to force me to have a relationship with her, saying you don’t love my daughter when we get into fights over it and he doesn’t even try to understand my feelings.  I see her as her Mother and frankly just a downright spoiled brat.  I know some of this isn’t her fault and I know she’s suffered too, but I just cannot set myself up for anymore hurt by any of them.  I have a huge wall built up.  My problem is, I don’t know how to keep it from affecting our relationship.  I can’t even talk to him about his kid, he’s so blinded and it’s quite sickening the way he goes on about her that I don’t’ want to hear anything about her.  He even has said well your daughter can babysit her and that’s another problem he’ll throw up to me that I think my daughter is perfect and I say I know she isn’t perfect, but she’s mine and I love her and she’s a pretty good kid.  I know she has faults just like they all do.  

   

  

I’m sure someone else has had this type of circumstance with their boyfriend’s kid(s) or stepchildren and how do you handle the x-wife and him going along with her rules because he can’t stand up to her and the bad feelings towards the kid(s).  I feel so immature over it and I keep thinking is it me, my fault why can’t I get over it but I just can’t.  I’m actually going to be going to counseling at the end of the month to get a professional opinion.  I feel very vindictive and angry with the whole situation and it is hurting our relationship.  I’ve seriously considered leaving him to get away from it all.  I’d love to hear from anyone that may have some advice. Good or bad thank you.    

you should worry about your happiness he aseems to always put himself first . He wasn't happy with his wife so he stepped out and that was easy for him and now instead of dealing with the problem he now puts you and your feelings aside and again does whats best for HIM! He should be making them respect you "she doen't have to like you but she has to respect you" Good luck and say bye im sure your kids wouldn't do it would they or would they
 
May 12, 2006, 6:12 am CDT

Run for the hills!!

Quote From: raineday1

I need an opinion.  I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years.  We have been living together a little over a year of that.  I have had immense trouble from his x-wife and also the relationship with his 10 year old daughter.  It’s been a very emotional relationship as far as being accepted into his side of the family.  His x-wife didn’t want the divorce and for years they had a traumatic marriage.  He ran around, cheated and for the life of me I don’t know why she stayed with him.  I knew him before his divorce, he would always tell me he was getting divorced trying to get me to go out with him and I would respond, you get a divorce and maybe we’ll go out.  He eventually moved out and got the divorce and we started dating.  I told him from the onset that I would never tolerate his treatment towards me as his relationship was with her.  In the beginning we did everything we could not to be around anywhere that she would be and considerate of her feelings.  Once we moved in together and she had actually dated others, we were invited to a party at his parent’s friend’s house whom she is friends with their daughter.  She was therefore, invited too.  It was his weekend to have their daughter and we had her with us at the party and had decided we would just stay a little while because of the situation and then leave.  His x-wife was drinking and glaring at me the whole time.  I walked into the house to use the restroom and as I opened the door to come out she was there before I even got the door open on top of me hitting me in the head and ribs with her fists until finally someone pulled her off of me.  I was lodged between the toilet and bathtub from the fall and all I could do was put my arms over my face to protect myself.  She done this with her daughter there, I was shocked.  Because of the circumstance being at his parent’s friend’s house and due to the fact that she’s friend with their daughter nobody would call the police.  Therefore, we immediately left and went to the local Sheriff’s department and I pressed assult charges and then went to the hospital where I had golf ball sized lumps on my head and cracked ribs.  We ended up going to court and my boyfriend’s sister-in-law appeared that day as well along with his x-wife to support her which caused more hard feelings of course.  Once this happened everything, including my relationship with my boyfriend’s daughter became very complicated and has been very painful in many ways over the last year.    

   

  

When I first met his daughter she was accepting of me and liked me.  I got along fine with her and it seemed to be pretty easy going after all the worry about it.  Once this all took place, his daughter was caught up in the middle and basically her mother turned her against me.  She knows full well that we do not like each other and because of that evening we can’t be in the same place.  The x-wife is still on probation and has a restraining order on her to protect me.  She has pushed it several times appearing where we are and calling our house hanging up, it’s been endless.  

   

  

The problem now is I cannot deal with anything that involves the x-wife or the child.  It has made our relationship so difficult that I am afraid in the end it’s going to destroy us.  I don’t’ know how we have made it together enduring everything but somehow we have.  One day, my boyfriend had to work on Saturday so he tells her she can stay with me until he’s home and she gets hysterical and says that if she does, her Mom will ground her and she will be in trouble.  We tried to explain that it wouldn’t be her that got into trouble, if her Mom was going to be mad at anyone it would be us.  Also, we tried to explain that when she is at our house, for his weekend visitations, it’s his decision to make.  This is where the trouble really began.  The problem is anytime he has to work on the weekend, he has to call her Mother and take her home early in the morning or the evening before, or he’ll call all around looking for a sitter.  Because her Mother says she can’t be with me or go anywhere with me, he goes along with this not to complicate things but the only thing it’s doing is hurting me more and more and making me feel despise towards this child because it’s causing us so much trouble.  I rarely talk to her unless I have to, and I keep my distance because frankly I have been hurt more times than I can possibly mention on here over this whole situation.  Last weekend, he had to work and we had her and so he called his sister to come and get her at 10 on Friday night and then picked up back up on Saturday rather than her just stay at the house.  If I were a bad person, if it was not a good environment then I would understand.  I have raised two wonderful children whom are 19 and 21.  My daughter just finished her freshman year in college.  I would never have lost my control so bad with my kids around to assult someone.  She has done so much damage to this child mentally that I fear it will scar her for the rest of her life and to be honest the child is getting to be just like her Mother.  She even called our house one time and insisted to her father that he break up with me because she didn’t like me and that her Mother broke up with her boyfriend because she didn’t like him.  Her mother told a huge lie to her, it was the man that broke it off with her because he didn’t feel she was someone he would like to take home and meet his kids.  The child will do anything that she knows will cause conflict between her father and I.  He is blinded by this whole ordeal and thinks I need to just get over it and that I shouldn’t let any of this bother me.  His justification for not putting his foot down while she’s at our house and just saying look you’ll stay here until I get home is that I wouldn’t have allowed my x-husbands girlfriend to watch my kids while they were little.  I said if they were living together in a serious relationship I would have no choice.  It’s a lost cause and I do try to just harden myself to it and it’s why I have to block the child out as well because I am tired of being made to feel that I am not worthy enough for this child to stay with me.  Although, I am good enough to go shopping for her, cook her dinner, buy her Christmas, birthday gifts, my paycheck goes into this too as well as what he pays in child support.  He does not correct this child, anything she wants, he agrees even if he knows that I don’t agree with it.  I do not try to be her parent, or I do not set her rules as well as I don’t say anything about discipline I don’t feel it’s my place.  I let him do that or not do that it’s not my concern.  He pushes her on me, trying to force me to have a relationship with her, saying you don’t love my daughter when we get into fights over it and he doesn’t even try to understand my feelings.  I see her as her Mother and frankly just a downright spoiled brat.  I know some of this isn’t her fault and I know she’s suffered too, but I just cannot set myself up for anymore hurt by any of them.  I have a huge wall built up.  My problem is, I don’t know how to keep it from affecting our relationship.  I can’t even talk to him about his kid, he’s so blinded and it’s quite sickening the way he goes on about her that I don’t’ want to hear anything about her.  He even has said well your daughter can babysit her and that’s another problem he’ll throw up to me that I think my daughter is perfect and I say I know she isn’t perfect, but she’s mine and I love her and she’s a pretty good kid.  I know she has faults just like they all do.  

   

  

I’m sure someone else has had this type of circumstance with their boyfriend’s kid(s) or stepchildren and how do you handle the x-wife and him going along with her rules because he can’t stand up to her and the bad feelings towards the kid(s).  I feel so immature over it and I keep thinking is it me, my fault why can’t I get over it but I just can’t.  I’m actually going to be going to counseling at the end of the month to get a professional opinion.  I feel very vindictive and angry with the whole situation and it is hurting our relationship.  I’ve seriously considered leaving him to get away from it all.  I’d love to hear from anyone that may have some advice. Good or bad thank you.    

This is not a good relationship.  You're being demonized by your BF's x-wife and child, assaulted, harassed and made to feel like you are at the root of this problem.  You are NOT!  This relationship has so many issues that I seriously think you are wasting your time IMO.  Cut your losses and move on.  The very fact that the BF is not supportive and still dances to the ex's tune is a sure sign that this is not likely to change.  You deserve better and you deserve a man who will make you his priority.  He has left you twisting in the wind.  You will be happier alone than living in this mess.  Good luck!
 
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