Quote From: k_dudleyIs there anyone else out there who always wanted to be a parent and now that they are they are absolutely miserable?
My first son (who will be 3 in June) was born 4 weeks early and was an intense baby right from the start. There were stretches where I would go 48 hours with only 20 minutes of sleep, total. He went from an intense baby to a spirited toddler and continues to be so.
Then our second son came along. We weren't thrilled because we didn't know how we could possibly parent another baby who could be as intense as our first, while trying to raise a very spirited toddler. Everyone reassured us that the second baby's personality would be completely different from the first, the first baby was so extreme that the second couldn't possibly be as difficult, etc.
Second baby arrives. First 2 weeks were a dream. Then all hell broke loose. He is now 6 months old and just now starting to sleep a little more than 30 minutes at a time, smiling more, etc.
Our spirited toddler has been acting out A LOT trying to get attention because the 6 month old has been taken up all of our time.
I get about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day - not in one stretch. Hubby has taken on 1 (one) night time waking durng the last 6 months. I haven't been nursing since about 4 months so he could take on more, but he says he has such a hard time going back to sleep and I believed that it wouldn't be fair since he is working and going to school. If I hear one more complaint about how tired he is after 8 hours of full sleep I think I'll scream! I can't nap during the day because the 3 year old is up. I hae ve taken the kids to the childcare at the healthclub so that I could take an exercise class, but the staff had to hunt me down and tell me how badly my baby was "freaking" out and that I had to remove him. When I went to get him, I thought to myself "Oh this is nothing. He is just starting to work up to what I deal with all day long."
I work 20 hours a week from home for my in-laws. I want to quit but my husband seems to think that we really need the money. If I quit he plans on looking for an additional job - he works 40 hours a week making a more than decent wage as well as he is working on his MBA. I don't want him to take on more work, I want him home to help me out as much as he can, spend time together, etc.
I've hired a high school girl to come and help out several days a week for a few hours each day while I go to a coffee shop and work. Ironically, must adults cannot handle being with my infant for more than 20 or 30 minutes without handing him back to me dripping sweat, disheveled, saying "Something is wrong with him. Why does he cry so much?" This high school senior perserveres with my kids. Although I come home and she too is dripping sweat and frazzled, she doesn't complain and comes back again the next day to do it all over again. At the coffee shop I end up not really working but messing around on the computer because this is the only time I have to myself. Therefore, I have a hard time justifying keeping the babysitter around to my husband because I end up staying up until midnight working anyway.
Before I had kids I wanted so badly to be a mother. I'm one of those people who is patient beyond patient with children and children are drawn to me. I had no illusions about parenting being fun, easy, a joy, etc. 100% of the time. I went into this with my eyes wide open. Ironically, I used to teach parenting classes, work with families in distress, teaching in preschool classrooms. I am now one of those families and I am so overwhelmed that I cannot even remember what I taught. It is one of those cases where I was an expert on something that I really knew nothing about.
I always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom but now I truly believe that our children would be better off in childcare. At least they could spend a few hours a day with a mom that wasn't completely burned out, exhausted and at her wits end. I feel that I would be a much better parent and would appreciate my children more if I were working full-time. But, I keep telling myself, this is gonna get easier, this is gonna get better.
If I would have had a crystal ball 10 years ago and saw what kind of a duo my husband and I would be together as parents, and what I would be like as a parent with the children that fate dealt me, I think I would have made other choices and moved to a remote island far, far away. But, I cannot turn back the hands of time, so I'm trying my hardest to make the best of a situation that is quite difficult.
I write this half laughing at myself and half crying. Oh yeah, my midwife insisted that I remain on zoloft throughout my pregnancy and at least until our baby is 9-12 months old (I was put on Zoloft for PPD with our first son). My health insurance no longer covers Zoloft and when I went to pick up my refill awhile back it was now going to cost $80 a month, which we don't have. So, I've been switched to Paxil. I have had to titrate off of Zoloft down to zero, and I just started Paxil today. Hmmm.....maybe this has something to do with my extreme anger and depression? I know it does, but how do I get through this until I feel better and my kids get a little easier, if ever?
I know that this is a barrel of random thoughts and frustrations that I have posted. Gramatically incorrect, misspelled words, unrelated sentences, etc. I just need to vent and I want to know if there is anyone else out there who so very much wanted to be a good parent and now hates being a parent and if broken-hearted by this this fact.
When I read your msg, it is enlightening for myself as well....You have A LOT on your plate and you need a break. I can feel your exhaustion in your posting. When I look back and my and my kids worst moments, I can say it's true what Dr. Phil refers to as "mirroring". My kids best days were my best days and thier worst days were my worst days.....but they didn't make them that way...I did. When I am patient andunderstanding, they are cooperative and helpful and happy. When I respond to situations in a volatile manner, so then do they. I try to remind myself of that when I feel it coming on. But it is difficult to be rational when you are tired. I know because neither one of my children have slept thru the night - EVER. I get really tired of others offering me what I haven't done right and textbook solutions for such things. My only rule is that there are no steadfast rules, every child is different and we have to be flexible. I know one other thing too, and it's obvious your frustration/anger/rage (as well as mine ) is rooted in other pressures/expectations. There is a monthly newsletter (tied to your childs age in years and months) out there that I find helpful in understanding thier behaviors. It is very eye opening and called Growing Child. It discusses parenting as well. I flag the articles that hit home and have my husband read them too. We have a code phrase too when he or I start to lose it to remind us that it's not really something to get upset about. I try repeating it to myself when he's not around to say it but it's not the same. The other thing I do it limit my expectations to do one task a day instead of 10. That way I feel I accomplish something instead of nothing and am cutting myself a break too. I had to quit working because it was too hard to take care of kids, house, hubby, dogs, and work too. We have had to cut back financially but it is worth it to me. If a mom has to work, then she is entitled to as much help as she can enlist. I hope maybe something I have said can help.....Wishing I had the answers - for you and me....BTW, it got a little easier for me when I could begin to reason my 3 yr old....hopefully you will turn that corner soon.
