I am 38, the mother of 3 kids. Two biological (1 boy who is 14 and autistic, and 1 girl who is 8) and my step-daughter who is 14. We have been to counseling and had her in counseling as well. I would like to explain some things about her mom as I feel they are relevant as to why I worry so much about the direction my step-D is taking with her life. Her bio-mom thought of her more as a 'trophy' or a means in which to get drug money from everyone. She is addicted to pain killers, smokes pot, and drinks...a lot. She is emotionally abusive to Step-D, keeps her on an emotional roller coaster, and constantly puts myself and her dad down to SD. She also recently had another child, a little girl. Her counselor told us to be prepared for some hard times because of the way it will effect SD to see her mother "be a mother to" this other child...but has made very little effort to even see SD since we got custody of her. SD still fights for, cries for, and begs for her mother's love and acceptance...and her mother knows that and uses it to her advantage.
After getting custody a lot of stuff came to light that we had no idea about. Stuff that SD had witnessed, been subjected to, and seen. Lots of partying, drugs, fighting, etc. Another thing that played in our favor when we got custody was that the mother constantly moved her and changed her schools..each time going from one man, back to her parents, another man, back to her parents, etc. SD told me her mother was smoking pot in front of her, told the judge that, and the mother 'gave up' custody of her to us (plead guilty to dependancy and neglect). The bio-mom REALLY holds that against SD.
SD calls me "mom" , asked if she could and I agreed to it, but has many times gone behind my back to her mother, and others, and done and said very hurtful things. Things that don't make me feel like she values my part in her life at all. I would also like to add that I am the "strict" parent, my husband is the "good cop"...most of the time. We ARE on the same page 95% of the time with her, but that is only after many counseling sessions and coming very close to divorce over it. She truly was trying to put a wedge between us, and it was crystal clear to me, but not so much so to him. He sees that now....and most of the time we discuss our action plan before confronting her with punishments and decisions.
She is a good student and makes really good grades.
To start off...I must be honest. I am horrified that I won't get this kid to the age of 18 without her becoming pregnant, or worse. I think that drives the majority of why I feel like I have to keep her under lock and key most of the time. She has been dishonest, it seems, at almost every interval in her life where she had a chance to make a 'good decision..she didn't. Her computer time is restricted to 1 hour a day over some sexual talk she was having with a 16 year old guy she met at an after school activity..she was 13 at the time. Net Nanny is also on her computer. When we ground her from something, 9 times out of 10 - unless it's something AT HOME where we can physically see her doing it, she will do it anyway. Her only goal seems to not get caught. The boy was calling her and she was lying to us about who it was. We found out through her computer conversations..which we log and let her KNOW that we are doing it. On her computer, she has ZERO privacy and she knows that.
Am I wrong in doing everything within my power to see to it that she doesn't put herself into a position to have to say "NO" to a boy? Recently we found out, through her MySpace website (which she made private and used a different password than what we told her to use for all of her stuff), that she was 'dating' a 16-y/o. According to conversations, they were trying to make plans to be 'alone' at tonights football game. Problem solved, I talked to her aunt, who took her, and told her not to let her out of her sight. If he wanted to sit with her, that was fine. She is allowed to have boyfriends, just not ones who drive and are that much older than her. Come to find out she has been sneaking to her grandmothers and calling him, made her password different so we could not see the conversations going on between them..or even find out that he exsisted...so I told her that she could date him, but since she went against our rules (not dating anyone over sophmore age) then she would have more restrictions placed on her extra-curricular activities. (i.e. no calling him, no calls from him, no going to movies without me or her dad with her, etc).
She is not allowed to car date until she's 16. TO ME, that includes movies, going to eat, etc. I don't even want her going places with them, outside of school, with adult supervision. I don't trust her, and my lack of trust is not completely unfounded...although I admit to being a little over-protective. Her counselor, and ours as well, have me terrified by telling me what boys her age, and especially older ones, have on their minds. I believe it. I believe that she is not emotionally capable of saying "NO" and if put into a situation where she had to say 'yes' or 'no' that she would not say no. My husband and I have talked it out and came to a compromise, but we had a huge fight today over how I felt about her having this current BF..and because I found out her password (by asking her) to her MySpace site and changed it, blocking her access of it temporarily as punishment for posting on there that I MADE her break up with the BF (totally untrue)..and also because her cousin made some very ugly comments about me for "making" her break up with him and I'm considering telling her mother, whom I'm very close to. When I confronted her about the site and about the BF she ultimately apologized for breaking the rules and said she'd break up with him...only for me to find out later that there was a dance she was wanting to go to and I figure she only apologized and SAID she'd break up with him so she could go to the dance tonight. When I told my husband I'd changed her PW he felt that was over the line and told me to change it back and "leave her alone".
She says that I make my decisions about her because I think she's going to turn out like her mother. Truth of the matter is, she is already a lot like her mother. I am very close to her grandmother, her bio-mom's mom, and she is behind me and my feelings towards SD 100%. I am afraid she'll follow in her mom's footsteps. She already looks forward to "going out for drinks" with her friends when she's old enough. Her mother is an alcoholic, her paternal grandfather was an alcoholic, and her maternal great-grandfather was an alcoholic, as well as her maternal grand-father. You can see why this worries me.
I think she, like most other teenaged girls, are desperate for love and would do anything to feel loved by someone...mainly teenaged boys.
People say "don't be too strict or they will rebel" but my thing is I thought it was MY JOB to be strict. To set boundaries for her. To make sure that she doesn't put herself into a situation where she'll do something she could regret the rest of her life. How do you know where to draw the line between being too strict and giving them enough rope that they hang themselves and you and they both regret it for the rest of your lives?? I WANT to trust her to go to dances and not sneak out and do things she'll regret with boys. I WANT to be able to trust her to do anything...but most of the time I don't.
People also tell me, and I've heard Dr. Phil say it before, that I should just bow out and let my husband handle everything with her. I've been in her life she since she was 5, and she lives under my roof which makes me responsible for her. I am not a 'sit back and let the train wreck' happen kind of parent. I do everything for her just as if I am her mother and I guess I just feel that I should have say so in her upbringing. She has proven herself to be dishonest and capable of malice towards me when she thinks it will get her what she wants from her Daddy. I honestly think part of her hates me because he and I are on the same page more often than not now.
I don't want to push her to rebel but I also don't want to allow her to do things that I feel would put her at potential risk. How do you know where to draw the line?
Lastly, we do not typically ground her, as we found it useless to do so. She has chores. If she doesn't do her chores each day, or she has some other indiscretion, we give her an 'X' for the day on the calendar. For every two 'X's she gets it is a week she has to wait after she turns 15 to get her learner's permit. She's gotten 20 X's since May. If an offense is bad enough, she gets more than one X. This has gotten her to do her chores a LOT better...but apparently it's not keeping her from breaking other rules and thinking she can get by with it.
Although I would DIE for input from Dr. Phil, or even his adorable wife Robin, I don't expect miracles. Just someone out there who has some advice..has been there, done that, something? !!
I have successfully treated post partum depression and PMDD with anti-depressants in the past and haven't felt the need for them for a long time..until now. I'm not sure my marriage will survive. I don't want to say I regret going for custody of her, but I sure can't help but miss the marriage I once had.
