Topic : Teen Dating

Praise God my children are almost past their teens. One things I have learned about teens and dating is that they do think they know what they are getting themselves into. With my son I made a lot of mistakes and he paid for them because I was not consistent nor enforced the rules.  Parenting is not about children liking you, yet if you have an open relationship they will respect you. The problem is when we allow our children more contact with others than ourselves they will value what they are around the most.

As Dr. Phil has said be the best influence for your children. I learned that almost too late with  my son but in time with my daughter. There is 9 years between my daughter and her elder brother. Children need boundaries and when they have the right tools they will make the right choices.  My daughter was equipped to make the choice to not date because she saw what it lead to for other young ladies.  We did not make the choice for her, she came to it on her own.

We learned too late with our son when we allow him more contact with his peers then we do with us there is no relationship to build on.  How much time do you spend with your children? What I also learned was the time we spent together had to be interactive not passive. All too often we load ourselves down with so much activity that we lose relationships.  The art of relationship is lost to a generation and now society is paying the price.

We were very honest with our daughter about teen dating, how drinking impairs judgment.  She watch as some of her friends, died in car accidents, got pregnant and many other things and knew even though she chose what was not popular she was way ahead of her peers and will not suffer what they have.

Children will listen to facts about dating, drinking, drugs and other issues if they are connected with you in heart and mind.  The ability to reason with absolute truth and the consequences of bad behavior can be learned at an early age, without spanking.  I did not grow up with these tools or skills and had to learn them the hard way, on the job training.  I knew I did not have any direction in my teens, ended up pregnant and had an abortion. That ruined my life for a long time, so I knew I was not equipped to be a good parent and started searching for answers.

Believe me there are a lot of people out there with opinions and "experts" as well, so there is really no reason for not finding answers. After much searching I did find the Bible is really the best place for answers.  We have the promise of His Holy Spirit to teach us all things if we ask and believe He will.  It has changed my parenting skills.

Being young is difficult, I won't lie. The "dating" that you mention is a hard situation. It is exposing a temptation to someone young that feels invincible. Perhaps, instead of asking your mom if you can "date" then call it something different that she is comfortable with. Here is an example scenerio. You could ask your mom if you could invite your guy friend over to watch a movie with you in your living room. Don't call it a date and let your mom meet your friend. Then maybe ask if he can come over for dinner with your family. You can enjoy the company with your guy friend and your mother feels in control of the situation.

As for mistakes, everyone makes them, but everyone has consequences too. Your parents are acting within their discression to decide what you can and can't handle, and if you feel that you should be able to do something that your parents don't think you are ready for then show them that you can maturly handle similar and safe situations.

Growing up is a constant give and take...and the reason your mother can't promise you that you can date at a certain age is that you can't promise her who you will be in 2 or 3 years either. All you can do is show her that you can handle your life in mature ways within her bounds. The more mature you are and the more you include your family in your life the more willing she will be to see you as someone deserving of responsibility.

When I was a teenager my boyfriends parents were always around. We were in the band and they were at every competition. We had lots of friends and when we looked for places to hang out they would always offer to order pizza at their house. When we got a little bit older they bought a used pool table and always had cold drinks. Even better, they were usually around. They always suggested things for us to do (one of them would offer to drive us to the video store to rent a video, or they would offer to take us all to the lake etc) When I was a kid I just thought they were "cool"....but as I got older I realised that they were enticing us to include them in what we did. I'm 28 now and I and their son have gone our seperate ways, but whenever I visit my parents, I visit his too. I'm thankful that they had the insight to do that.

That was a stark contrast to my parents. My parents believed that their home should always be a place of calm and serenity. Friends shouldn't be invited over. You could NEVER have a mess. And conversations about life never happened. We ate dinner together, but we never brought up any topics that were difficult to talk about. To this day I don't tell my parents who I'm dating or what we do unless it's pertinant. My brother and I always joke that the first time our parents meet our wives/husbands is probably going to be our wedding day.

Point is....it's a fine line to walk, but make your daughter and her friends feel safe and welcomed in your home.  Tell her things that you like about the guys she chooses. (Like - tell her that you thought he was very nice and polite...or that your really impressed that he gets good grades...or that he's got great tastes in movies) that will make her want your approval and it will also make her feel ok about coming to you talking about what she likes as well. As for not smothering her...open a conversation with something easy for her to answer (like - what's her boyfriend's favorite subject or something else that is rather impertinant) and let her take the lead. Girls talk and if you just give her the opportunity then she will talk to you. And let her decide when the conversation is over too. Tell her about your boyfriends. Tell her the things that you like and admire in her father/ your husband. Just don't tell her all at once.

You do, however, need to have certain information from her...like...what his phone number is, what his parent's number is. Where they are going, who else will be there etc. She'll hate that....but...she's less likely to get in trouble if she feels like everyone is checking up on her.

There is, also, NO WAY she can date without you telling her your views on boundries. If you avoid this conversation then guaranteed she won't know what is right or wrong.

The best way to open the door for safe dating.....your daughter is 15 so she can't drive. Offer to drive them. You'll get to overhear what they are doing, what they are talking about and you'll know where everyone lives.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

My 16 year old son began dating a 19 year old girl this last year.  We met her and had a talk about their age differences and things were fine for about 6 months.  She was well mannered - we never had any problems - she lived at home also and she kept a job.  It seemed to be fine.

Then she got an apartment and we felt it was not okay for them to be there together for extended periods of time.  She began to put my son in the middle and say we were trying to pull them apart and all she could think about was him.  The final straw was her calling for several nights from 11pm to midnight and letting the phone ring once and then hanging up.  She said it wasn't her repeatedly.  We put some more rules in place that limited her access to our son.

She then came up and said she was pregnant by our son- we were floored - upon investigating this - she had also told people she was pregnant, but had had a miscarriage.  I suspected there was no baby.  I tried to talk to her parents - they said she lives her own life.

Two weeks ago I found my son on the internet at 2:45am - he was talking to her about what they had just done outside - he had gone outside to meet her.

He seems bent on ruining his life.  Does anyone have any ideas?

Oh no  Dad!  That dude sounds like bad news!  You should be very proud that ur daughter said "no" to sex b/c most teenagers aren't saying "no" anymore!  That is very commendable!  I honestly can tell you that I was 13 years old when I started to date my first boyfriend but when I sit and think about it, it was too young!  I mean, I think its ok to have her "boyfriends" over at the house or vise versa but goin out alone jus isn't cool!  Now with the boyfriend thing.... I wouldn't say, "dont allow her to see him" b/c then she will jus want to do it more and more!  Maybe try to jus tell you that u really dont think that he is a good guy and jus ask her, "what happens if you are with him when he gets caught with the weed or the alchol!"  Also.... there is nothing wrong with "tough love" so when it comes to her drinking... that would not be allowed at all!  Jus keep an eye on her and ask questions.... she should have no problems answering them as long as she has nothing to hide!  Hope I helped you!  Keep me in touch! 

PS- This was the opinion on a 21 year old woman who has been a young lil girl at one time... and knows what's goin on with kids these days!  Also my boyfriend was a high school teacher of young boys... and he's told me numerous things about what lil boys are thinking about more and more these days!  Kate

I agree that that boy is bad news weed, drinking, wanting sex  (and he will probably smoke aswell) at age 14 is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy to young for a boy to do that kind of stuff.

about that saying no it is a bit harsh most people lose their virginity arount the age of 16/17 years old (though you shouldn't be less proud that she is able to resist peer pressure.)

You should talk to your daughter why you think he isn't right for her in a calm fashion (avoid screaming from your side at ALL cost) My guess is she knows it deep in her hart aswell.

I don't concur with you shouldn't allow her to drink at all, you should allow her to drink on special occaisons like birhtdays new year christmas (just on or two beers or equivillent though) so that you don't create a taboo around it which will only make it more interresting.  (when she's 16 you can allow her to drink more frequent I think just make shure she doesn't get home drunk every time she goes out offcourse)

Oh and don't be scared of all 14 year old boys they think of a lot but they wouldn't dare to try it out at that age (or at least most of them)

That pregnancy story is fishy indeed I wouldn't trust her either (especially because of the way her parrents reacted)

I do think though you could give some leniancy towards your son aswell (in a next relationship that is) 19/16 isn't that much of an age difference. and for youth 11 pm isn't that late (in the weekend atleast) And the sneeking off is something teenagers do if they feel to restricted (this DOESN'T allways mean that you are to restrictive though)

You should also theach him about birth-control ect. because abstinance doesn't work and you can't controll his where abouts all the time (you already saw that.)

my brother is 17 and his girlfriend is 21..shes got a 2 yr old baby!!

and my mom just trys to deal with it!! But she finds him in the same situations your finding your son in! Out at all hours of the night,phone calls late, internet late, and trying to stay over night at her apartment!! For the first few months of their relationship it was great total respect, and my parents had no problem with her!! Just let him know that dont let her start controlling him like my brothers girlfriend does..Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 months now! and were jus perfect we sit down and talk when we have problems with somthing or with eachother! We dont let either of us try to control the whole relationship! Just make sure your son knows that if his girlfriend is pulling that im pregnant sceam then that mostly means shes saying that just so he cant leave her! Dont let him become whipped ((controled by his girlfriend)) cause thats just gonna throw his life down the drain!