Hi all. I am posting this in the hopes that someone will be able to help me out...
It's been almost 6 years since I discovered that the man I call dad isn't my biological father. I was 22 at the time and had always felt out of place and a little disregarded by my father. It seemed he always favored my younger sister and a lot of the time I found myself asking "why does he not love me the way he loves her?” Well, I took it upon myself to do some research into the situation and came to the conclusion that either I was adopted or my parents had conceived me prior to getting married. There were no wedding photos anywhere, my birth certificate stated my mom's maiden name and no-one ever knew exactly how long they'd been married for. I went to my mother with my discoveries and found out that she was my mother but my father was not my father. I was shocked and hurt and upset and felt extremely betrayed. I had never really believed I could be adopted!! And everyone in our family knew the truth, except for me, my sister and our two cousins who are the same age as us!!
My mother didn't want to talk about it, but I made her. It was my right to know more than it was her secret to carry and she finally gave me a brief, very brief, summary on how I came to be. According to her, my "real" father and her dated for about 8 months before she became pregnant with me. She loved him and they seemed to have a great relationship. Until she told him she was pregnant. He accused her of being unfaithful and said that the baby could be anyone's and that really hurt my mother because she knew he was the one, but he left and she let him leave. She had decided to make it work on her own and had me. I spent the first two years of my life living with her and my grandparents before she met the man I call dad and I was almost 3 when they were married. At this point of the story I knew why there weren't any wedding pictures displayed on the walls or in albums, I was probably in them all!! And that would've been a dead giveaway!! Shortly after they were married, my father adopted me and I took his name. When we were talking about all of this, my mother kept saying that she thought I had known all along because I was there and that I should remember. I was THREE!! Maybe that's just her way of making herself feel better for having kept the truth from me for so many years, I don't know. According to her, my "real" father had become a real jerk after he found out about me and had no intention of ever seeing my mother and me or having anything to do with us ever again. I pushed for as much information as I could get out of her and I did get his name and the town he lived in while they dated and also the town where his brother lived. She claimed to know nothing else. I wasn't entirely sure I would ever want to find him, but I liked at least having his name. I think about it all the time and wonder about the people who make up my other half. I mean, I have an entire family out there that I just don't know. My grandparents could still be alive, I could have other brothers and sisters, cousins and aunts and uncles. Hell, I could've dated one of my brothers!! We only live one town away from where he lived when he dated my mother, he could still be there!! It just blows my mind sometimes. Well, recently I decided to try and find him. If anything, I would just like to see him and maybe not even talk to him. I guess I would decide that when and if the time ever came. Supposedly I look just like him and it makes me curious to see where my features come from. I don't think my mom would be very happy to find out that I am looking for him, but this isn't her decision to make. Her and my aunt have both told me that he's a jerk and I have been better off, but isn't that my choice to make?? Shouldn't I come to that conclusion on my own?? And as much as I hate to, I find myself doubting some of the things my mother has told me about him only because she has been lying for so long now, who knows what the actual truth is. What if she didn't tell him about me?? What if she was the one to walk away?? I need to know those things, and I need to know a lot of other things as well. It's only recently that I have been able to come to terms with this and to not be so upset with my parents. I had a lot of resentment towards the two of them, and towards others in my family as well, but I somehow got past all of that. I still have my issues, but it's not like it was before and I think that I'm finally ready to at least try and locate my biological father.
Of course, I have no idea where to start and this is why I am here. I have his name and know the town he lived in when he was dating my mom, but that's it. I'm at a loss as to how to go about looking for this man. I have done searches through Yahoo and MSN and Google but his name seems to be a real common one and without even knowing his age, it's hard. And I am not about to call every one with his name and then going through my entire story to each one of them until I eventually find him!! And who even knows it any of them would be him anyway!! I'd like to maybe hire a private investigator, but I'm not really sure how to go about finding a good one. And I also can't afford to pay anyone all that much money, so he'd have to be good AND affordable. If anyone has any suggestions on how to go about doing this, I would greatly appreciate it!! I'd really like to find out as much as I can about this whole other part of me, before it's too late. Thank you in advance for reading my story, I know it was a long one!! And also for any help that you can give.
Erin
