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Topic : 07/10 Biggest Brats

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Created on : Thursday, July 06, 2006, 07:03:12 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They're rowdy, wild and uncontrollable. They have no respect for authority, demand what they want when they want it, and there's hell to pay when they don't get it. If bratty kids are ruining your world, Dr. Phil has advice on taking back parental control. His first guest, Tabitha, feels like she's living with an abusive man, but it's not her husband; it's her 6-year-old son, Justin. He says, 'I hate you' at least 40 times a day and threatens her with knives and lighters. Is Tabitha contributing to the chaos? Then, Shelley says that her defiant 18-year-old daughter, Mackenzie, is worse than a brat. She's a high school senior who stays out until 5:00 a.m., then cusses at her mom for waking her up to go to school. Is it too late for Mackenzie to change her ways? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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July 8, 2006, 4:51 pm CDT

control your children in your home.....

These guidelines are included with the children's section of Bible Sex Facts because it is likely that persons who read this section will have an interest in proper child rearing techniques. There is no real or implied relationship between sex and spanking your children.   

First, let's look at what the Bible says about spanking in the book of Proverbs:   

Proverbs 13:24. He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.   

Proverbs 22:15. Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.   

Proverbs 23:13. Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.   

Proverbs 29:15. The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.   

   

Corporal Discipline Limitations. There are a few No-No's to observe when using corporal discipline:   

  • Never spank while in the heat of anger. There are two important reasons for this restriction: a) You may be tempted to cross over from discipline to abuse; and b), you may not be in a proper frame of mind to provide sincere hugging and counseling.
  • Never spank to impress others. As a general rule, these situation come up when other children and adults are involved. For example, you and your four-year-old are visiting Mrs. Clutter whose house is jam-packed with all kinds of breakable knickknacks. While walking sedately [for a four-year-old] through the living room, Johnny trips over the leg of an end table and the table goes down with a crash of broken glass. You will be tempted to spank Johnny to impress Mrs. Clutter; don't. Counsel Johnny. Offer to make restitution to Mrs. Clutter. But don't spank. This was an accident that you might have made as well.
  • Never spank because of accidents that could not be prevented even if due care was taken. These kinds of accidents may occur in your own house as well as Mrs. Clutter's. The kitchen and dining room are likely locations. Spills at the table come to mind.

I have 4 children, 1st daughter is 15, 2nd son is 12 and half year old, 3th son is 10 and half years old and new girl baby.  All of 3 children are very good bahave, obey us and learning from what we train and teach them about the Bible.  We do spank them when they were bad, in trouble and behave before it is too late for them when they grow up. Because we truly love them and save them from the Hell.  We have to control them until they turn 18 then they can have own life and wise choice in right direction.     

   

The meaning of the Biblical word rod. The use of the word "rod" in Proverbs refers to corporal discipline as described below. Do not assume that you are encouraged to beat your children with a stick! However, do not assume, either, that the meaning of rod is always pastoral, as in Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.   

What Is Corporal Discipline. The word "corporal" pertains to the body. Therefore, corporal discipline is inflicting temporary discomfort to the body. There are many other forms of discipline which parents may use, such as behavior modification, restrictions, or time out, that do not involve discomfort to the body.   

  • Abuse versus corporal discipline. Please note that we are talking about temporary discomfort, usually to the buttocks. If your corporal discipline is leaving marks on the body which are still visible after thirty minutes, you may be involved in physical abuse, not corporal discipline. As a general rule, limit your corporal punishment to your bare hand. The use of such traditional instruments of discipline as a belt or a yard stick may make it too easy to cross over from discipline to abuse. Never strike a child in the head or face. The normal target is the buttocks. The implement of discipline is the open palm. Avoid pulling hair, pinching, or shaking. In fact, excessive shaking can cause permanent injury to a small child. This type of injury to the brain and central nervous system is know as shaken child syndrome.
  • Balance physical love and corporal discipline on the basis of a ratio of ten to one. For every smack, there should be ten hugs, along with prayer and corrective counseling. If this much hugging and counseling becomes impractical, it may be time to look for another form of discipline. By the way, I am opposed to teachers using corporal discipline in school for this very reason. What teacher is going to hug ten times for every smack?
  • The purpose of any discipline. The purpose of discipline is to improve behavior, for the safety and long-term well being of the child. In addition, a child who comes to accept discipline from loving parents will be more likely to accept it from a loving God, also.

To be able to control your children in your home, you must:   

  1. Establish rules and limits. Your children may act like they don't want limits but many humans thrive in a controlled environment. Make sure they know and understand the rules of the home.   

  2. Enforce established rules and limits. Don't make empty threats. You may say, "The next time you run in the house, you will sit in the time-out chair 2 minutes." But if you say it, make sure you do it. Count on one thing: you will be tested..   

  3. Understand and be able to use the basic principles of such behavioral techniques as contingency contracting, positive reinforcement, behavior shaping, and delayed reinforcement.   

   

   

 
July 8, 2006, 4:52 pm CDT

I NEED HELP with my son!

My son is 8 and he just doesn't understand normal things that kids "just pick up on as they grow up."  He is in special classes at school (going into the 3rd grade in August) and has never consistently been in a normal grade level classroom.  He has a LANGUAGE IMPAIRMENT ... which is something I learn more and more about every day with him.  

   

I am a strict and CONSISTENT single mom!  I am the only one that is around him enough to correct him, explain to him why this/that was wrong/not nice, etc.  He listens to me and shows respect, because he knows the consequences.  When it comes to listening to anyone but his mother/father ... that is when he loses respect and takes advantage of the situation.   

   

He thinks that playing is throwing things at other children, or bugging them until they complain and say stop.  I am at a loss of what to do.  There is so much more to this situation and hard to type in this small space, but here are the other issues:  He has had epilepsy (takes Dilantin) since 2002 (4 yrs old), but has been seizure free for 2 years!  ONLY because he can not be controlled at SCHOOL he takes RISPERDAL for his behavior.  We have been divorced since he was 2 years old.  His dad remarried a woman with 3 kids so his dad's household is the total opposite than mine.   

   

Most people tell me that he needs counseling and additional help.  IT ALL COST MONEY and that is something I don't have.  He does not know how to communicate his feelings and that is why he expresses them in "abnormal ways."  I have had so much advice given to me ... but the bottom line is money.  I want to find something that I CAN DO to help him along.  I do my best to correct him and explain to him almost every single time something happens ... is that wrong?  Does he only know his current bad behavior and NOT know how to change it?  He has a 11 year old sister and she knows when to RUN AND HIDE from his outburst ... she does everything to avoid making him mad, but sometimes just lashes out and he laughes!!!!   

   

HELP!   

 
July 8, 2006, 4:58 pm CDT

cyndi5, we parents have so many of our own demons to battle sometimes!

Quote From: cyndi5

I have a nine year old son who is what some call a BRAT, When he is told no about anything he goes into a rage. When I say rage I mean he flips tables chairs,anything that will turn over.At four he was put in a time out for punching his sister in the stomach.He kicked out his window with his bare feet. So I know how this woman fells about her 6 year old .I lock my self in rooms to keep me safe.My son tells me he hates me he is going to kill me or anyone he is mad at. I have taken him to Doctors they say ADHD,Bipolar and quite a few other things. He is nine now and on 5 different kinds of meds. They helped but he still gets out of control.My husband and I enforce all discipline that does no good at all.I am so worried that one day he will hurt me or someone. I am scared that one day I will be visiting him in jail or worse that I will be putting flowers on his grave.
... that it can be VERY hard to be the parents our children need us to be.

PLUS, i think that society has TOTALLY failed us parents in taking away all the parenting "tools" we and our ancestors grew up with for generations, then NOT teaching us all how to parent NONabusively!

to possibly answer your question, my friend's son has been out of control most of the past year or so.  she thought it was because he was getting ready to graduate high school.  she did a good job, imho, of timeouts, groundings, extra chores ... all sorts of non-abusive consequences for his continual acting out. 

on his 18th birthday, his father suddenly drove over and told her son to "move in with him" because he was now "free" to live whereever he wants.  this is the same "father" who tried to kill my friend during their marriage, who threatened to kill them all during the divorce process.  he lies and pays off judges ... she thought she was helping her children by not speaking the truth, ... turns out the fiend-ex was bullying and intimidating her son all along.  no wonder he was acting out so much during his last year of high school!  too, it really looks like her son had been intimidated into not saying anything about it.

cyndi5, what is so upsetting to your son that he's going ballistic on you the way he is?  in NO way am i trying to blame you here because we are ALL fighting our own demons. 

what has your son so scared that he's acting out so badly at you?

there are other reasons besides someone's hurting him, or has hurt him in the past.  like john bradshaw pointed out, our children get stuck working out a LOT of our issues that we haven't been able to work through *yet*.  i know that a LOT of the things that really scare me in life ... are things that scared my mother.  for instance, she grew up dirt poor and was terrified of never having enough money.  yet i am not dirt poor ... but sometimes i feel her fears coming out in me and my life.  she died without working through SO many issues that i'm stuck cleaning up the mess she left behind, and that makes life very very hard, unnecessarily hard. 

i think that you want to find a good family counselor while your son is still young enough.  you can counsel together and if you call places like a local high school or the united way, they can give you some ideas of places that offer sliding scale counseling.

the other thing i would do is look up the "elimination diet" online and see what foods he might be sensitive to.  follow the diet and ... sometimes removing those sensitive foods can help a lot.  if you have a good health food store near you, you could see what alternative remedies they might be able to suggest, to help calm his nerves and heal his troubled heart.

finally, can you get some counseling just for you, to help you figure out if maybe you are scared of all men?  another friend of mine was terrified of having a son, but fine with her daughter.  turned out she had been hurt by men growing up and was still too wounded to be ok with her son until she worked through her wounding.

all the best with this!  just remember you CAN make it through this, both of you, happier and together!



 
July 8, 2006, 5:25 pm CDT

Spanking

Quote From: mkonu1

  I firmly believe that allowing a child to think that he can disrespect his parents and others is a form of  child abuse.     

   

  It is more abusive than the spankings that are not in fashion at this time. He will go on through life wondering why he is not liked, invited, married, hired and otherwise welcomed into society.  Being permissive is not kind to a child at all.  You have to teach a child to be respectful from the beginning;  in the crib. The first lesson is sleeping through the night.  That is teaching basic respect for parents.  I'm sure you have never heard it referred to in that manner. You cannot wait until some magic age - 3? 4? 6? to begin socializing a child. You would train a dog better than that.    

  We owe children respect, too.  I definitely do not mean giving them everything 'I didn't have' and allowing them to dictate when, where, what and how life goes on around him.  We owe them the social skills to develop into useful, happy people.  'Tough love'  needs to happen from the start.  It's very hard when a 6 year old is laying in the floor at the grocery store kicking and screaming  or a teenager who's unsocialized behavior has landed him in jail or worse.     

   

  And, Dr. Phil, a spanking never hurts unless it is never given.  I spanked each of my very active sons very seldom and all they needed for the most part  was a firm reminder and/or time out. They never said, 'I hate you'  or thru  tantrums after they passed the terrible 2's.  Bottom line they have to know that you mean what you say the first time you say it.   My boys are grown now and I have asked each one if there is something that happened in the past that we need to talk about and maybe I need to apologize for. (Did I get that from your show or Oprah?  :) )  They never mentioned spanking only curfews and onions in my cooking.  They are good men of whom I am very proud..   

Obviously, a negative consequence has to occur to stop an out of control child, but I don't know that 'spanking' is the answer. At the very least, a parent has to figure out how their child will react to negative reactions. Not all children will learn a lesson from being hit. My daughter was out of control when she was three. I'd have been hitting her 24/7 had I used spanking. When I told her "no", her screaming could break glass, and she would scream in public so loudly, people thought someone was hurting her. Her pediatrician told me one day (when she had an outburst with him), to thump myself on the lip. I did, and then said 'ouch!' He told me to try it, and winked. The next time we were in public, and she started screaming, I didn't say a word. Just reached down and gave her a little thump on her lip. She stopped yelling for a moment, then started again. I reached down, and again thumped her on the lip. She never screamed again. She made the connection that the sound coming out of her mouth would result in a negative experience to her mouth from mom. I didn't have to use my hand, and it was so simple I was amazed. I've seen dogs train their puppies the same way. A little 'pinch' with their mouths, and the puppies get in line. A full scale, traumatizing, hitting with one's hand or anything else, isn't required, in my opinion. From that experience, I learned to 'creatively' discipline my children. Returning home from work one day, I found my coffee table lying in a few pieces on the floor. My children (then 12 & 13) began their excuses when I walked in the door; "he did it!" "she did it"......"he started it" "she started it".......I said nothing. I walked into my daughters room and broke her favorite thing. I then did the same in my son's room. Then, I started making dinner, without having said a word. They quickly cleaned up the mess of the coffee table, and never broke another thing.
 
July 8, 2006, 5:46 pm CDT

Time for the

Quote From: cyndi5

I have a nine year old son who is what some call a BRAT, When he is told no about anything he goes into a rage. When I say rage I mean he flips tables chairs,anything that will turn over.At four he was put in a time out for punching his sister in the stomach.He kicked out his window with his bare feet. So I know how this woman fells about her 6 year old .I lock my self in rooms to keep me safe.My son tells me he hates me he is going to kill me or anyone he is mad at. I have taken him to Doctors they say ADHD,Bipolar and quite a few other things. He is nine now and on 5 different kinds of meds. They helped but he still gets out of control.My husband and I enforce all discipline that does no good at all.I am so worried that one day he will hurt me or someone. I am scared that one day I will be visiting him in jail or worse that I will be putting flowers on his grave.

First, let's get this kid to a doctor that doesn't flake out by hanging a "tag" on every kid and then medicating them. If you tell this kid over and over he has problems--he will act them out--he sees them as excuses to do as he wishes.    

Then, you two full grown, better educated, rational, human parents step in and prove to that kid that YOU DO have the power, right, and ability to control his world--and if you have to do so he won't like it. He's eating your food, and he's living in your home --you have the right to do this. Oh yes, and you don't have the right to abuse him--but what I'm talking about ISN'T abuse in any state of this country --call your child protective people if you doubt that. My point is, quit giving in to a 9 YEAR OLD! Be his parents -- say what you mean, and mean what you say --and get consistent with it.    

Heres' a great opening line "There is about to be a butt kickin' and you are going to be the guest of honor".  And if you don't decide to do this -- well try to imagine what he will be like when he's 19.  

 
July 8, 2006, 6:00 pm CDT

bratzsbigtime

i have 6 children one is 19 he is not at home and one is 16 he is not at home  the others are 14 ,13,11,9 i have 5 boys and 1 girl they are all adhd but i have one big brat and i mean big brat he will tell you what to do when to do it and how to do it  if you dont do it he will show you what will happen you are a  B---.and  a F---  and he will slap you he thinks he is the boss and he dont care there has been no trespassing papers on him and he says he dont give a f--.he dont care for authority he says they are only good for one thing .he tells me my place is to have his food and clothes and home clean thats a womans job .i have tried to work but when do get called cause noone will watch him he has been in court for truancy he dont care sometimes i feel like giving up but i know i cant cause i am no failure
 
July 8, 2006, 6:18 pm CDT

07/10 Biggest Brats

 I'd be telling Mackenzie to shape up or ship out.  She 's in school, that's true,  but she's 18.  Old enough to be out.  There's no reason her mother has to put up with her carrying on.  If I'd acted like that, I'd have had a board across my backside.  But kids now days know they have the law on their side.  Thanks to Hillary Clinton.     Too bad Chelsea didn't give Hillary some grief growing up.   I heard it said one time.  "spank the gludomous maximus, and the cerebral cortex will get the messsage who is boss."  I was spanked plenty in my day and it didn't hurt me one bit.  It sounds too, Like her( Mackenzie) brother needs to be taken  in hand  before he gets out of hand.  I still say , Prayer was taken out of school,   Parents rights were taken away from them to discipline their kids,, the Bible was taken out of schools.      What can you expect?    Parents need to stand up and take back their God-given rights to be parents. 

  

 
July 8, 2006, 6:22 pm CDT

Amen to that!

Quote From: mkonu1

  I firmly believe that allowing a child to think that he can disrespect his parents and others is a form of  child abuse.     

   

  It is more abusive than the spankings that are not in fashion at this time. He will go on through life wondering why he is not liked, invited, married, hired and otherwise welcomed into society.  Being permissive is not kind to a child at all.  You have to teach a child to be respectful from the beginning;  in the crib. The first lesson is sleeping through the night.  That is teaching basic respect for parents.  I'm sure you have never heard it referred to in that manner. You cannot wait until some magic age - 3? 4? 6? to begin socializing a child. You would train a dog better than that.    

  We owe children respect, too.  I definitely do not mean giving them everything 'I didn't have' and allowing them to dictate when, where, what and how life goes on around him.  We owe them the social skills to develop into useful, happy people.  'Tough love'  needs to happen from the start.  It's very hard when a 6 year old is laying in the floor at the grocery store kicking and screaming  or a teenager who's unsocialized behavior has landed him in jail or worse.     

   

  And, Dr. Phil, a spanking never hurts unless it is never given.  I spanked each of my very active sons very seldom and all they needed for the most part  was a firm reminder and/or time out. They never said, 'I hate you'  or thru  tantrums after they passed the terrible 2's.  Bottom line they have to know that you mean what you say the first time you say it.   My boys are grown now and I have asked each one if there is something that happened in the past that we need to talk about and maybe I need to apologize for. (Did I get that from your show or Oprah?  :) )  They never mentioned spanking only curfews and onions in my cooking.  They are good men of whom I am very proud..   

I am a fairly new mom...I have my first and only child who is 16 months.  Sleeping through the night was huge for me and I was very firm about never having her in our bed.  Since my daughter was 6 weeks old she has been sleeping 12-14 hours straight through the night and is happy to go to bed.  I was fortunate to have a friend who recommended the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.  I read it before I gave birth, and I absolutely found it invaluable.  People are always commenting on what a happy, alert, smart little girl I have...I credit 99% of it to adequate sleep. (And it wasn't just her nature...I "trained" her to sleep well).  I'm also very protective of having my daughter home in her crib when it's nap or bedtime.  Yes, it means I haven't been out past 5:30 pm for a very long time, but I didn't have a child thinking that my life would go on just as before.  On the few ocassions we have gotten a sitter and gone to dinner, I'm just apalled at how many people have little, little ones out at night!   

My daughter can only speak a couple of words, but as soon as she could walk, she was expected to participate in helping clean up her toys or any food dropped from her high chair.  What a gift it is for her to have opportunities to be praised for a job well done!  Guess I'm kind of tooting my own horn here, but being 35 and having my first child, I'm really seeing what a difference there is between her and children of parents that don't implement healthy sleep habits and manners right from the get go.   

It also helps that I am fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with my daughter.  I think that's a really important thing to do if you can, but that's a whole other topic :-) 

 
July 8, 2006, 6:22 pm CDT

07/10 Biggest Brats

My family thinks my 15-year-old daughter is nothing but a brat, and they think I am a bad mother.  She is my adopted daughter. Came to me when she was 9 years old.  I have lived in hell ever since.  It is now that I am first finding out that she has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).  That explains it all.   She has ADHD, depression, bi-polar symptoms, and is just shocking to live with.  I am going to counseling more often now to learn how to handle or deal with a kid with her problems.   Anyway, I could go on for days about her RAD, but that is totally different than being a bratty kid. I think brats learned how to be a brat from their parents.   Children with RAD have no choice of their condition because it is a physical mental condition in the brain.  A RAD child needs very extensive therapy.  Often they are just put in institutions because of their violent behaviors.   

My daughter is not a brat, she has RAD.  I wish everyone could understand this terrible disorder.  

  

 
July 8, 2006, 6:23 pm CDT

Bratty Kids (Grandchildren too)

Long before a child reaches the age of 6, the stage is set!  Discipline starts at a very early age.  Having raised four, VERY active boys, I know that if I didn't set the limits early in their lives, I was not going to gain it back!  Children respect authority, although they may not show it at the time.  And what's more, a child who is shown love, treated with love and respect at an early stage of their little lives will grow up respecting others.  Children imitate what they see and hear.  The very best gift a parent can give their children it to see their parents have love and respect for each other.  It has a very positive trickle down effect!  Thankfully, none of my 11 grandchildren (ages 4-30) are or have been "bratty".  Oh, there were tantrums, but they soon learned it didn't get them anywhere. 
 
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