Topic : 07/13 Online Dating

  As a divorced woman of many years who finished raising her children , I tried a few on-line dating services.  Since I was on the hefty side I choose one for BBW and after talking to a few nice men and several not so nice ones , I saw a picture of a man who had just lost his wife and wanted to talk to someone for friendship.  He had a great smile so I sent him a  "HI " .  To make a long story short we emailed and talked for three weeks,  I also talked to his children who informed me he was the  "best father in the world and that he had made their mother happy for 35 years ". He liked to cook,  had religious values, musical abilities, and worked with carpentry.  ASk me why but I through caution to the wind and let him fly into town to meet me. (yes , I know it was a crazy thing to do ) but what was crazier was that we were married that same day and I have been the happiest woman in the world for the last two years !!!!!  He is the kindest and most loving man I have ever met !!!   This caused quite a few problems with our children at first, because it was so sudden.  They all thought we were nuts when we told them but my children love him as much as I do now, his it has been harder on since he had to move here and away from them. 

       All I can say girls is there are some great ones out there and good luck to all of you. 

  Sorry to hear things didn't go so great for you,  I even talked to one who wanted someone to ride naked on his golf cart,  go figure that fruit cake,  lol .  But I'm hear to tell you it does work for some of us. I met the greatest , most loving man  this way and he has made me the happiest woman for the past two years.

I think we need more show like this.  Being single lady for many years and on line dating is one of the options we have for meeting men besides bars..I think it is a great service Dr Phil does to let us talk about our experiences bad and good and to learn there are alot of singles out there of all ages.  Thanks Dr. Phil..I hope to see more shows like this.  I really didn't get to see the show just this site on the internet because I work during the day..

>Most men who are in there late 40's or early 50's only want to date women who are at least 10 years younger then them. They won't even date someone there own age!!!! To tell you the truth half of these men don't work out or take care of their bodies so they really have a lot of nerve to ask for a beauty queen. These men post pictures that are at least 5 years old and I don't think they've looked in the mirror in quite a few years. They complain about their ex-wives, kids, girlfriends, work, and about the traffic.    

   

God forbid a flabby couch potato guy should have to "settle" for a woman his own age or a year or two younger!   

   

I have been on match.com for a few months now. About 3 weeks ago I rec'd a response from someone supposedly in New York. I was hesitant to answer because I'd much rather meet someone in the area where I live. I went ahead & answered and we started IMing for anywhere from 3 to 5 hours a night. I tried to be cautious but eventually gave him the benefit of the doubt & started believing him. He was a contracter & after a few weeks he told me he was going to Canada for a contract & would be gone for a month. All of a sudden before he left it was changed to Nigeria. He was such a sweet talker & supposedly was falling in love with me. During this time he told me he was divorced, had a 7 year old son, his parents were deceased & he had no siblings. He said a few things that sounded a little funny but when you thought about them, there was no reason they couldn't be true. Of course he was in Nigeria for 1 day when he found out that in order to start this "job" he had to pay the govt. a $10,000. tax & he only had $7,000. & wanted me to send him the $3,000. In the first place I don't have an extra $3,000. laying around to give. He gave me this sob story, he had no one else to turn too & if I cared about him I would help him. It didn't matter to him that I told him I didn't have it. He kept' pressuring me & pushing me & tried to make me feel guilty, you know if you care you'll find a way to get it to me etc. then he would get mad when I told him I just didn't have any way to do it. By this time I pretty well figured he was scamming me, but I held out hope & thought just maybe he was telling the truth. I don't know how they do things in Nigeria & I am a nice person & try to believe that people are honest. I contacted western union just to find out about things. They told me in no uncertain terms that I was being scammed & if I had never actually met this man there is no way they would even let a wire go through since Nigeria is one of the major scam areas in the world. I confronted him with this & he tried to make me feel quilty, "i can't believe you would believe them over me" etc. Finally last night I let him have it. I had been sick all day & didn't feel like messing with this anymore. He I'M'd me earlier in the day & I told him I didn't feel good. He I'm'd me later in the evening & asked wasn't I going to talk to him today? I got on for a few minutes & told him I still didn't feel good so I wouldn't be talking long. The first thing out of his mouth was "any help yet" meaning did I find a way to get the money for him yet. I finally just lost it & told him he was a bastard. He came back with why are you calling me that? I told him because I told him that i didn't feel good & all he can do is ask about me getting him money again!. He then proceeded to call me a "bitch" & various other things & told me that I just didn't want to help him. He then proceeded to threaten me & tell me that he had my address & he knew people that could take care of me & he was still going to come & see me & that he would kill me!  I reported it this morning to Match.com & have not heard anything from them. As soon as I sent the e mail to them I noticed I had an e mail & looked & it was from a Frank in Jeanette, PA & he noticed my profile & wanted to get to know me better. He is a contractor & currently is in Africa but will be back soon! My bet is it's the same jerk trying again. I mean I have rotten luck but please, I don't think even I would be lucky enough to get 2 different scammers in a row. I'm trying to still believe that there is still a wonderful man out there somewhere but they all just keep proving me wrong! I just wish Match.com would acknowlege this & tell me they are trying to do something about this!

Some helpful rules:   

   

1. Never give out your home address.  Open up a PO Box if you have to, but don't give prospective dates nor the dating service your PO box.   

   

2. Never give out your home phone number.  Have it unpublished & block it to say "private."  You don't want some wacko finding your home address via your phone number.   

   

3. Don't waste time doing a lot of IMing or emailing.  Have a date to see if you connect in person.   

   

4. The instant a prospective "partner" asks you for money, particularly one you've never met, immediately discontinue all contact.  Assume scam.  Once he started pressuring you for money, I don't know why in the world you continued to hold out hope that he was "Mr. Right " & continued contact with him. Even if a non-criminal pressured me for thousands of dollars after I said no, that would be an instant dealbreaker.     

   

5. If Western Union tells you in no uncertain terms you're being scammed, do NOT confront the criminal with that information.  There is NOTHING to be gained & much to be lost.  Immediately discontinue all contact.   

   

6. If someone doesn't care about how you're feeling when you're sick or worse, only cares about whether you can lend them money rather than asking how you're doing, immediately discontinue all contact.   

   

7. If someone is verbally abusive, END the relationship (or the "pre-relationship") !   

   

8. If someone threatens you, discontinue all contact & report it to the police.   

   

9. Yes, the same jerk or one of his friends is trying to scam you again.  IGNORE that person.   

   

10.  Just as the NYC subway has some criminals, so do online dating services.  It's up to us users to be very viligent at all times   

   

11. Do not automatically assume a person is honest.  People must earn your trust.   

   

12. Check your computer for spyware & viruses.  This criminal may be trying to hack into your computer to steal personal information.  And if you have personal information stored in your computer:  social security number, credit card numbers, etc., delete it.  

   

13.  A guy you've never met claims he's "falling in love with you"???  Big red flag.  

   

   

I think the problem that many women have with online dating is that they take it too seriously whereas they don't take meeting people as seriously in the bar or other social settings. Women (and men) set out to find true love instead of just using it to meet new people and make a few friends along the way. The key thing to remember is that it's still "just dating." You're still going to have to meet and build a relationship. You can't build one via email and chat rooms. Match doesn't speed anything up. It just helps put people together in a setting other than a bar.    

   

I set out on Match because I was tired of the men who would approach me in bars. I wanted to be able to enforce my "no prior marriage/bachelor's degree or higher/no kids" standard without having to be rude. Match enabled me to do so.  Yet, I do have a few complaints. Most of the men on Match are embarassed to be there, and they don't think that they belong. So, many of them are arrogant and assume that there is something "wrong" with me. They also assume that they can "get" any woman on Match and send email after email and wink after wink when I don't respond to them. They only look at the pictures and don't read the profile, and they create fantasies based on who they want you to be...not necessarily who you are. Others don't even care who I am...they see blonde hair and blue eyes and a young body. They may or may not notice that I'm also an attorney. They don't want to know me. However, I don't think Match is to blame for all of this. I have many of the same problems when I meet men in social settings. That's just dating...    

   

As for the danger? I have many friends who have gone home from bars with men under the influence. Or, they have met a man under the influence and went out with him the next weekend. How is that any better? I was drugged in a bar...twice. I've never been drugged by a match.com date. Dating is a horrible experience no matter how you do it. Match just enables you to do it in your underwear with a green mud-mask on your face!    

Hello,  

   

I met my husband in September of 2000, online, and we were married in June of 2002.  I believe a big factor in our dating turning into an engagement and marriage was the sites that I posted my profile on.  I would advise anyone to not go on sites for just dating or where people seem uncommital.  Go to a reputable site where people are looking for marriage.  I met my husband on a matrimonial site which is only for marriage.  This way no time or effort is wasted and it is very efficient.  We were engaged in late February of 2002 and my family met his family and friends up in Detroit for the wedding, which was pretty small, but pretty much what we and both our families wanted.  We now have two children and are buying our house this month.    

My husband and I replied to each others profiles, sent each other two pictures each through snail mail, and then talked on the phone for 3 weeks before he drove 4 hours to see me.  He brought a dozen roses for me and after two weeks came and saw me again.  Meeting online was a great experience!  Good luck to everyone!  

Hello, 

  

I met my husband in September of 2000, online, and we were married in June of 2002.  I believe a big factor in our dating turning into an engagement and marriage was the sites that I posted my profile on.  I would advise anyone to not go on sites for just dating or where people seem uncommital.  Go to a reputable site where people are looking for marriage.  I met my husband on a matrimonial site which is only for marriage.  This way no time or effort is wasted and it is very efficient.  We were engaged in late February of 2002 and my family met his family and friends up in Detroit for the wedding, which was pretty small, but pretty much what we and both our families wanted.  We now have two children and are buying our house this month.   

My husband and I replied to each others profiles, sent each other two pictures each through snail mail, and then talked on the phone for 3 weeks before he drove 4 hours to see me.  He brought a dozen roses for me and after two weeks came and saw me again.  Meeting online was a great experience!  Good luck to everyone! 

All of what you wrote is just plain common sense.  I disagree with rule # 3.  It's important, in my opinion, to share emails and IM's for a while BEFORE giving out your cell phone number.  You can learn a lot from those emails and IM's.