Topic : General Advice

 Ihave a daughter that is 12 and she lives with her mother. She wants to stay with me now but we have this problem with the peircing in her bellybutton. Her mom doesnt care about it but i do. I want it out but she refuses to take it out. I am trying my best to do the right thing without her hating me. what do you think i should do?

Really, I wouldn't worry too much about the piercing...back in the old days, it was scandalous to have pierced ears...as long as she is well-behaved and living according to your rules...but you can put a ban on further body piercings...if you make the piercing an issue, she will fight you more on the imortant issues...save the battles for what really matters...

 

I have three boys, so I'm not really an expert on teenage girls...but that's my take on the issue...

 

Becky

I'm sorry you are having such difficulty with this issue with your dad.  You might want to take the time one day, when you are wearing "normal" clothes, to just sit down with your dad and talk about the issue calmly.  I suspect your style of clothing reminds him of something in his past that makes him feel bad.  That's not your fault.  You need to be respectful of your dad's wishes, and you need to try to talk with him.  Try to compromise on the issue.  And remember, you will be moving up and out of your parents home within a few years, and will have the rest of your life to express yourself with clothing.  Good luck.

It's time to play hard ball.

 

Start taking things away: "if you don't get those dishes done in (time frame), you cannot go out with your friends to the mall this weekend."  Done. Easy.

 

My parents do that to my sister all the time. Take away something that they hold VERY important, and they'll bend to your will. Eventually, they'll have to do what you want in oder to get some of their things/freedom back.

First off, take a step back: the situation between your son and his father is not your doing, and any guilt you feel about it is unwarranted. Your husband seems to have issues controlling anger, and should look to start counseling; either with you, or alone.

 

Failing as a parent takes alot more than finding out your kid is dabbling in drugs. There's been a breakdown in communication, and it seems like he's self-soothing. Again, blaming yourself or your husband isn't necessary, because your son is making these choices.

 

Take your son to a neutral place: go to the movies/dinner, go walk through the park with him, something where the "spotlight" isn't being put on him an his behaviour- that always makes people apprehensive about sharing important information. Ask him why he does it, what attracts him to it, how it makes him feel. Talk about finding safe and healthy alternatives to his drug use. I believe getting to this early will be a huge step in the right direction, but remember: DON'T ATTACK HIM. When someone is attacked, they automatically fight back or shut down. That will get you nowhere. Try to be stern, not harsh.

 

If (later down the road) you find out he's still engaging in the drug use, more harsh discipline will be nesessary. Nothing too dramatic right now, it's surely a stressful time for him.

 

I don't believe your son is doing this to "rebel", merely to help him deal with the pain and tension he must be dealing with due to his relationship with his father.

 

 

Once more: YOU'RE NOT A BAD PARENT. You just have some obstacles to overcome in the future. Good luck.

Girl, I've BEEN there.

 

My parents didn't want me wearing anything that made me stand out, so I was constantly butting heads with them about letting me be. If the gloves and boots freak him out, don't wear them both at the same time. Blasting him with a double negative is sure to boil his blood, and then having a fighting chance is a far cry from forseeable.

 

Approach him at a time that's good for him: watching t.v., reading, hanging out in the kitchen. Ask him why these thing bother him and LISTEN FULLY to his responses: don't interrupt. Once he's presented his case, you can then offer him your side, make statements, etc.

 

 

Some guidelines:

 

1. Don't use negative language or place blame. If you find yourself saying 'you always" or "you never", try owning your feelings. Try saying "I feel" and 'I think', because taking things as your own will help him to realize you're listening. Try REALLY HARD not to curse.

 

2. Address his concerns in a non-aggressive manner. If you have to stay quiet for a moment, think your point through before shouting it. Even if he starts to get upset, keeping your voice calm should bring him back down again.

 

3. If all else fails, ask mom for help. Having mom there to act as a filter can be helpful if he's too set in his ways to listen to you. She can assure and re-affirm statements made, and act as the solid ground in the storm. She is Switzerland.

 

 

 

Hope my ideas can help you: Good Luck.

I'm a 14 year old girl and this year ill be going into high school. My mom and dad got divorced 3-4 years ago and still agruging in court. My mom works 3 jobs 2 of them are being a secratary for our school district and the other is working at the local culvers on the weekend. For a while in the summer time she would work 12:30pm til 11:00 pm. 12:30 til 4 at her school job and then 5 til 10:00 at culvers. after running around all day geuss what she does when she gets home... cleans! even if i already cleaned it she cleans. It wouldnt be a problem to me but she yells at us when shes cleaning saying how disgusting the house is, even if I (key word I) not my little sister whos 11 but me cleaned it already! But it doesnt stop there... if we make her made she either says in a snotty voice well you have to clean this this this and this... or she says i work 3 jobs to keep this house running the least you could do is this! "mom,you dont relize that i do just as much as you do, only i dont get paid for it!!!" or she says why dont you just go live with your dad then(knowing i dont want to visit him anymore) she says that for a punishment??? The more she says it the more she makes me want to go right to my room and pack my bags. When i do do stuff for her she doesnt say thank you she doesnt do anything. I just want to say to her im not your slave nor your maid nor your assistent nor your phycalogist!!! IM YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!! i need some help what can i do to make her relive that 1 im not her slave and 2 to learn to say hey thanks for cleaning the house and mowing the lawn and taking the garbge out and the dog out!" and stop giving monica all theses things when she doesnt do anything to get it!!!!!!!!!

My son had little in the way off a relationship with his father (we divorced when he was 2 and his father stopped bothering with weekend visitation when my son was 8). My son definitely had issues and started acting out and smoking pot. Ultimately, my son got more and more heavily into drugs to the point that he was dealing, got beaten during a bad deal, and has been in juvenile detention several times and inpatient rehab twice between the ages of 16and 18.  He was a star athlete (on 3 soccer teams) and talented musician (in 3 bands at school).  Still, he managed to get into things I'd never have dreamed possible.  He's had a very serious 2-year Pecocet habit I knew nothing about and he started out with pot.)  Don't take early drug use lightly.  "Later down the road" could mean his death -- literally!  Adolescents don't have the ability to relate to the consequences of their poor choices.  Laying blame ("am I a good mother?" or "is it my husband's fault?") doesn't change the reality.  You need to take prompt action to prevent further problems.  How you go about it depends on the circumstances.  Open, non-judgmental communication certainly is a good first step.  But things can spiral down quickly as a child goes through adolescence.  There are increasing influences and peer pressure.  Seek counseling for yourself and him.  (Unfortunately, my son refused to cooperate with counseling despite my numerous attempts when he was 12 through 17.)  Make sure YOU have some sort of support system.  Since I have no one (except an 85 year old mother who is ill), I've decided to contact B.I.L.Y. (Because I Love You).  If nothing else, this will help me not feel so alone and give me the strength I need to get through everything.

Can anyone give advice on how to get your kids (10/11 yrs old) to wear the clothes in their closet, instead of wearing their same new favorite shirt all the time.  There are alot of clothes in the closet (even clothes they picked out themselves at the store), but they don't want to wear them.  They liked them when they first got it a month or two ago!  (They've maybe worn them once or twice and they still fit/still new). They only want to wear about 10% of the clothes in their closet and it's typically the brand new shirt that was just purchased for them (from other parent or relative/gift).  Therefore, the many other clothes in their closet (which have only been worn once, maybe twice), will never get worn again.

We're trying to get the kids to appreciate and be grateful for the amount of clothes they have.

 My son is 14 years old and a freshmen in high school.  I can't get used to him dressing in the skinny jeans, band t shirts and black all the time.  He is a good kid and doesn't get into trouble.  He also gets good grades.  I just don't understand this dressing.  His father and I are normal hard working people.  I feel like why is he doing this to us, why can't he just dress like a normal kid (blue jeans and t shirts).  I know that he has a right to be an individual but sometimes I wonder where I went wrong for him to dress like this.