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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 831
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:43:59 pm
Author : dataimport
Share advice and support with other parents of pre-teens and teens.

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July 23, 2005, 9:07 pm CDT

son

my 13 yr old is the oldest of 5.  4 boys 1 girl.  any advice on how to handle up coming puberty??  or anything on helping him to become responsible.  He shows very little responsibility of anything.
 
July 24, 2005, 5:02 am CDT

General Advice

my 13 yr old is the oldest of 5. 4 boys 1 girl. any advice on how to handle up coming puberty?? or anything on helping him to become responsible. He shows very little responsibility of anything.
My 13yo son & 10yo daughter were taken into foster care last November after our home burnt down. Now, I have the added pressure of their anger, frustration, stress (he's getting migraines, she's got excema) & derpression. I've been sent to do a parenting course which says you have to talk to your children & express your love daily. Up until recently I only saw them 11 hours a week & with a baby to look after I wasn't able to do that & their foster parents certainly don't - in 8 months they've been in 7 foster homes. I'm lost as to what to do, but I'll check in with bits of info as I get them. Until them show affection, even if it's just a wink, so they think that you care, ask them specific things about their day & try to keep in touch with what they're going through. I've always been really close to my kids & despite their fathers attempts to seperate us we have remained so. However, they're going to do what they want to do whether you approve or not, so my son gets up to things I don't like, but at least I know where he is & who he's with. Luckily he's not getting into trouble or doing anything illegal & the best way to show responsibility is by example & I'm afraid in my current state of mind I'm not setting the best ones. My best advice is to go through Dr Phils advice & read the pHenomenal family book. Goodluck to us all. This is the scariest thing I've ever had to do & this involves other peoples lives.
 
July 25, 2005, 4:32 am CDT

Friends???

This is a long story, please stay with me...

We have 3 children, the two eldest are boys (20 & 21) and a daughter whom is about to turn 19. Our daughter is disabled due to an accident when she was only 2 and in a special education class, she's a cheer to be around...most of the time (like any teen eh?). She has a young friend I'll call 'Anne' who is also in her class, she has a 16 yr old body and the mind of an 8 year old. Our daughter and Anne get along very well and we have been having her over this summer for company as we live in the country, we have been doing all of the 'girl summer' stuff..painting nails, sun, sand, water, magazines...shopping, they are having a great summer as it should be.

The young girl has been raised by her father whom works to support herself and 3 older siblings in the house, as the mother left when Anne was only 18 months old. Her grandmother had much of an influence until she passed on 2 years ago, but since then I don't believe there has been any other womanly input.

Anne comes to visit with a ripped shopping bag full of clothes which are 2 sizes too small, no underwear nor bras...I'm sure you get it. We aren't wealthy but I have taking the girls out for some shopping and I have managed to pick up some cotton panties and the like, I stuck them in the bottom of a bag I made her for travelling. This has been happening since the end of school and gradually I have been able to weed some Tshirts and shorts for her from our daughter's stock...no biggie.

This week Anne didn't feel well so I took her home early (I called first), she had too much to carry herself so I was allowed entry into the small family home for the first time. I'm not quite sure how to say this without sounding like I'm judging the dad because I know he works hard but the place was...looking for a word here...terrible. They have 2 small dogs that seem to not go outside and have left all of their business on the kichen floor...everywhere. I had to wade and find the kitchen sink just to wet a cloth for her forehead, there is garbage and bags and towels and empty beer bottles and old newspaper and old food...you get the drift. I didn't give any response at all and just kept on as I didn't want Anne to feel as I had noticed.

Now the dilema...should I just go in and have Anne help me clean up? Keep my nose in my own business? Offer to help? We like having Anne here and it seems she loves being here and her father doesn't seem to have any problems with it either, I'm just not sure IF I should go anywhere with it at all. There are 2 older siblings at Anne's home that are female 20 and male 22, and from what I can tell her sister watches Jerry Springer and soaps all day and the brother stays up in his room playing video games and listening to Marilyn Manson (I can hear it from outside when I pull up).

My husband says I am always out to save the world...I think we can only do what we can, if we can.

 

Any thoughts anyone? Thanks in advance :)

 
July 25, 2005, 3:40 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: bj1962

This is a long story, please stay with me...

We have 3 children, the two eldest are boys (20 & 21) and a daughter whom is about to turn 19. Our daughter is disabled due to an accident when she was only 2 and in a special education class, she's a cheer to be around...most of the time (like any teen eh?). She has a young friend I'll call 'Anne' who is also in her class, she has a 16 yr old body and the mind of an 8 year old. Our daughter and Anne get along very well and we have been having her over this summer for company as we live in the country, we have been doing all of the 'girl summer' stuff..painting nails, sun, sand, water, magazines...shopping, they are having a great summer as it should be.

The young girl has been raised by her father whom works to support herself and 3 older siblings in the house, as the mother left when Anne was only 18 months old. Her grandmother had much of an influence until she passed on 2 years ago, but since then I don't believe there has been any other womanly input.

Anne comes to visit with a ripped shopping bag full of clothes which are 2 sizes too small, no underwear nor bras...I'm sure you get it. We aren't wealthy but I have taking the girls out for some shopping and I have managed to pick up some cotton panties and the like, I stuck them in the bottom of a bag I made her for travelling. This has been happening since the end of school and gradually I have been able to weed some Tshirts and shorts for her from our daughter's stock...no biggie.

This week Anne didn't feel well so I took her home early (I called first), she had too much to carry herself so I was allowed entry into the small family home for the first time. I'm not quite sure how to say this without sounding like I'm judging the dad because I know he works hard but the place was...looking for a word here...terrible. They have 2 small dogs that seem to not go outside and have left all of their business on the kichen floor...everywhere. I had to wade and find the kitchen sink just to wet a cloth for her forehead, there is garbage and bags and towels and empty beer bottles and old newspaper and old food...you get the drift. I didn't give any response at all and just kept on as I didn't want Anne to feel as I had noticed.

Now the dilema...should I just go in and have Anne help me clean up? Keep my nose in my own business? Offer to help? We like having Anne here and it seems she loves being here and her father doesn't seem to have any problems with it either, I'm just not sure IF I should go anywhere with it at all. There are 2 older siblings at Anne's home that are female 20 and male 22, and from what I can tell her sister watches Jerry Springer and soaps all day and the brother stays up in his room playing video games and listening to Marilyn Manson (I can hear it from outside when I pull up).

My husband says I am always out to save the world...I think we can only do what we can, if we can.

Any thoughts anyone? Thanks in advance :)

 I personnally would be offended if someone took it upon themselves to come in my home and start cleaning, however I think it would be perfectly acceptable to offer Anne's dad some help, whether it be with cleaning or even just some emotional support.
 
July 25, 2005, 3:53 pm CDT

pre-teen backtalk

 my 11-year old son is constantly calling people names. and i mean everyone- his siblings, cousins, other childrens' friends, even me. things like "stupid" and "freak" are his favorites. i do not know how to stop this behavior. i have ignored it, discussed it with him, and tried taking away things he enjoys. nothing seems to work. ideas?
 
July 25, 2005, 9:28 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: jencofresi

my 13 yr old is the oldest of 5. 4 boys 1 girl. any advice on how to handle up coming puberty?? or anything on helping him to become responsible. He shows very little responsibility of anything.

I am having issues with my 13 year old daughter. Sort of like you're dealing with in regards to your son. 

 

Currently they are in Alaska on a visit to family.  All her and her older sister do is fight, verbally.

 

Like you I've taken stuff away, grounded blah blah.  You know the routine :)

 

I was thiking today that both seem to take things for granted.  They have been allowed 1 hour on the internet a day.  Well, I know they both love the internet so what better weapon for me?

 

I've decided when they get back that they'll have to earn their internet time.  They'll be allowed to check their emails but aside from that they get no internet time UNLESS they don't back talk, don't fight, don't argue, no name calling, do their chores etc. They can earn 10 minutes - not to exceed 60 minutes. Also, I've decided that if they earn time then do something bafoonish I'll deduct time.

 

Perhaps something like that will work with your son?  Maybe with tv or whatever he REALLY enjoys?

 
July 25, 2005, 9:33 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: momof4gals

I am having issues with my 13 year old daughter. Sort of like you're dealing with in regards to your son.

Currently they are in Alaska on a visit to family. All her and her older sister do is fight, verbally.

Like you I've taken stuff away, grounded blah blah. You know the routine :)

I was thiking today that both seem to take things for granted. They have been allowed 1 hour on the internet a day. Well, I know they both love the internet so what better weapon for me?

I've decided when they get back that they'll have to earn their internet time. They'll be allowed to check their emails but aside from that they get no internet time UNLESS they don't back talk, don't fight, don't argue, no name calling, do their chores etc. They can earn 10 minutes - not to exceed 60 minutes. Also, I've decided that if they earn time then do something bafoonish I'll deduct time.

Perhaps something like that will work with your son? Maybe with tv or whatever he REALLY enjoys?

sorry, I was actually trying to respond to jasmamaus but hit the wrong button :)

 

However, when my eldest (nearly 20) was hitting puburty the one thing I found the most helpful was talking.  Everyday I'd spend one on one time with her. Granted, girls hitting puberty is a tad bit different then a boy but really, be available to answer questions.  If you're not comfortable with that there are lots of books out there geared towards pre-teens that you might find helpful to hand over to your son :)

 
July 26, 2005, 8:14 am CDT

Straightedge?

hey guys...i was just wondering if any of you were raising children that are straightedge (sXe, XXX, etc) For those of you that don't know, that means no sex, no drugs, no drinking. Which i think is great morals to have but my parents and i were talking about it recently and they were upset that my sister is sXe... i am so confused. Can anyone shed some light on this?
 
July 28, 2005, 5:51 pm CDT

Frustrating, I know!

Quote From: bj1962

This is a long story, please stay with me...

We have 3 children, the two eldest are boys (20 & 21) and a daughter whom is about to turn 19. Our daughter is disabled due to an accident when she was only 2 and in a special education class, she's a cheer to be around...most of the time (like any teen eh?). She has a young friend I'll call 'Anne' who is also in her class, she has a 16 yr old body and the mind of an 8 year old. Our daughter and Anne get along very well and we have been having her over this summer for company as we live in the country, we have been doing all of the 'girl summer' stuff..painting nails, sun, sand, water, magazines...shopping, they are having a great summer as it should be.

The young girl has been raised by her father whom works to support herself and 3 older siblings in the house, as the mother left when Anne was only 18 months old. Her grandmother had much of an influence until she passed on 2 years ago, but since then I don't believe there has been any other womanly input.

Anne comes to visit with a ripped shopping bag full of clothes which are 2 sizes too small, no underwear nor bras...I'm sure you get it. We aren't wealthy but I have taking the girls out for some shopping and I have managed to pick up some cotton panties and the like, I stuck them in the bottom of a bag I made her for travelling. This has been happening since the end of school and gradually I have been able to weed some Tshirts and shorts for her from our daughter's stock...no biggie.

This week Anne didn't feel well so I took her home early (I called first), she had too much to carry herself so I was allowed entry into the small family home for the first time. I'm not quite sure how to say this without sounding like I'm judging the dad because I know he works hard but the place was...looking for a word here...terrible. They have 2 small dogs that seem to not go outside and have left all of their business on the kichen floor...everywhere. I had to wade and find the kitchen sink just to wet a cloth for her forehead, there is garbage and bags and towels and empty beer bottles and old newspaper and old food...you get the drift. I didn't give any response at all and just kept on as I didn't want Anne to feel as I had noticed.

Now the dilema...should I just go in and have Anne help me clean up? Keep my nose in my own business? Offer to help? We like having Anne here and it seems she loves being here and her father doesn't seem to have any problems with it either, I'm just not sure IF I should go anywhere with it at all. There are 2 older siblings at Anne's home that are female 20 and male 22, and from what I can tell her sister watches Jerry Springer and soaps all day and the brother stays up in his room playing video games and listening to Marilyn Manson (I can hear it from outside when I pull up).

My husband says I am always out to save the world...I think we can only do what we can, if we can.

 

Any thoughts anyone? Thanks in advance :)

I think you seem to be doing a wonderful job being the support Anne may need. It is so unfortunate that she has siblings and a father who seem unable to meet her needs. Also it is very sad that her home is unclean and unhygenic. As much as this frustrates you, it may cause her Father to stop you having so much interaction with her if you mention that you think the house is in need of a clean. He may feel judged or inadequate.

What is the most frustrating is that she has siblings. Two able bodied adult siblings who are clearly not pulling their own weight. Sometimes things are just not fair, however, I think this aspect of Anne's life is out of your control. I think you can have a continued profound affect on her by doing just what you have been doing and try to help her personally where you can. She will always remember and appreciate your kindness. Don't feel you are letting her down by not being able to fix everything. Don't be hard on yourself either. You are doing what you can, and your heart is in the right place. Be proud of yourself.

 
July 29, 2005, 1:30 pm CDT

To Bi1962

I am rather dismayed that so many have posted a response to you that indicates how to deal with this situation. It sounds like this situation is one of not dealing. Animal feces is not a healthy thing to have around someone who is mentally the age of 8. Hygiene is a serious issue for a young lady that age. I also wonder about someone who allows filth to lie around in their house. It seems if they can ignore that than they are able to ignore a great many other things. It is not enough to be trying and to "mean well" when it comes to raising children. I would call Child Protective Services the minute I got home. You are not doing the child any favors by ignoring this situation, and it sounds like the father needs some help anyways. Americans will blame a million institutions for what is happening to children these days, when I think what is happening to them is bad parenting, and bad parenting that is considered acceptable. What you are seeing is the tip of the iceberg. It sounds very disturbing to me. I think you know what to do and yes it will disrupt that family. Dysfunctional families rarely just wake up and begin to function. This family needs an intervention and you are the one to do it.
 
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