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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 2034
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:46:09 pm
Author : dataimport
Have a question or problem concerning your child? Share advice and support with other parents.

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September 16, 2005, 12:43 pm CDT

Child with no backbone

We have a seven year old girl who doesn't stand up for herself nor does she think for herself...even when she is around me she always asks "mommy what colour do you think I should have"...and it's even things like "what colour of popsicle shoud I have?".  When I tell her to chose what she wants she says "I don't know what do you think?"  I am afraid for her.  As I grew up my friends and other people pushed me around, I went through my childhood and teenage years trying to please everybody and I know first hand how it feels to have people walk over you...I don't want that for her.  I would like to teach her how to not let people push her around and have a mind for herself...but I'm not sure how or where to begin.  Does anyone has any suggestions????
 
September 18, 2005, 11:38 am CDT

Take a step back

Quote From: tayali

We have a seven year old girl who doesn't stand up for herself nor does she think for herself...even when she is around me she always asks "mommy what colour do you think I should have"...and it's even things like "what colour of popsicle shoud I have?".  When I tell her to chose what she wants she says "I don't know what do you think?"  I am afraid for her.  As I grew up my friends and other people pushed me around, I went through my childhood and teenage years trying to please everybody and I know first hand how it feels to have people walk over you...I don't want that for her.  I would like to teach her how to not let people push her around and have a mind for herself...but I'm not sure how or where to begin.  Does anyone has any suggestions????
 Take alook back at the last seven years.  Was she ever given the choice to make decisions on her own?  Or were things decided for her.  When she was given the choice, was she too slow in answering?  If so was the decision made for her.  It sounds like she is a quiet kid and those kids tend to be left behind [so to speak] because our lives are so busy it make things progress when we have one less person to think about.  I am reflecting on my own childhood here but I thought it may give you some insight if this seems to be your daughter. 
Also help her build up her self esteem.  Do not do it for her but when she seems interested in something let her try on her own.  Tell her I'm here if you need help but why don't you try first. Be there as a guide but let her do the work herself.  If she "falls" say that's ok try again you'll get it.  Use phrases like "How do you feel about that" or "how do you think you would feel"  Don't scold her just keep rephrasing things until she feels comfortable to answer. Avoid questions with yes/no answers. Let their be an infinant possibility of answers i.e.  "where do you think the plane is going"  "How do you think it feels to be up in the sky",  "How did they get there" and so on. Also role model self esteem and doing things for your self. 
If your life is busy calm down for a while, read together (let her read or make up a story) go to the library, the park, or what ever she is interested in.
If she asks your opinion on her art say well what do you think?  Tell me about it.  When we say "that is beautiful, we are building our children's self esteem.  It needs to come from with in them and not us or the world around them.  Remember:  We are raising adults not children.  Think how what you are doing now will impact her future.
Follow your heart and listen to your daughter, together you'll find the way.  You are on the right track just by seeing the potential problem and doing something about it.
Karen
 
September 20, 2005, 12:54 pm CDT

How to help w/o doing damage...

Quote From: lorihelmy

I was a fat child. a fat teen and yes a fat adult. about ten months ago i had a gastric bypass.  I dont wish this for your son or mine.  Mine is 41/2.  I am soooo paranoid about him being obese (he already weighs 50lbs) i didnt allow any process sugar till the age of 2.  at one point he told his teachers at his new kindercare that i told him sugar was poison for him and i didnt allow him to eat it.  they asked me if he was diabetic and allergic to it!  the reason why i got my gastric bypass was an attempt at keeping him from getting overweight.  I dont allow him to watch tv.  have him enrolled in tai kwan do and read all labels that come into my house.  try changing one habbit at  a time.  go for a walk for fiffteen min. after dinner.  dont allow candy in your house.  NO SODA not even diet.  water and milk.  you may not be able to stop him from being overweight but you will be able to curtail the amount of overweight he is.  also enrolling him in martial arts is not a bad thing.  then if kids pick on him he only needs to take out one of them.

Hi... Sorry to hear what you've had to go through, so thanks for listening to my problem.  Gosh, I'm a label reader (my son has become one also), I rarely let him watch t.v. or play computer games, he's always on his bike or running around w/friends, I never buy candy or bake (except his birthday cake), he's not allowed to have soda (in fact, he doesn't like it), he must drink a gallon of water a day.  It's hard to know how much to do or explain without damaging his self-esteem.  He's smart enough to see through the "it's all about a healthy lifestyle" stuff, even though it's the truth.  He will often look at what I say (ever so gingerly) as "there's something wrong with me".  Any advice there? 

  

gardenbug2 

 
September 22, 2005, 10:52 am CDT

10 year old doesn't care at all

Please help....my daughter is 10 and started middle school this year. I cannot get her to care about anything. This covers her room, schoolwork, friends, punishment, incentive, her clothing. She is a pretty even tempered kid with no outstanding issues, unless you consider her younger twin sister and brother. She is incredibly smart, (she skipped first grade), but we don't push her at all. I have had the mantra...the easy way and the right way....as part of our normal life routine. She takes the easy way every time. I really don't nag her, I know it sounds like I do, it's just that she is so irresponsible. We talk to her, punish her, encourage her, praise her...nothing. She is not miserable, I don't think. All of this behavior may be normal for her age and transition, but I need to work through this with her and teach her how to pull out of this before she sits back and it becomes part of her. I just feel like I cannot get through. Does anyone have any suggestions? I don't know what to do.
 
September 22, 2005, 11:06 am CDT

10 year old daughter...........

Quote From: lisaellyn

Please help....my daughter is 10 and started middle school this year. I cannot get her to care about anything. This covers her room, schoolwork, friends, punishment, incentive, her clothing. She is a pretty even tempered kid with no outstanding issues, unless you consider her younger twin sister and brother. She is incredibly smart, (she skipped first grade), but we don't push her at all. I have had the mantra...the easy way and the right way....as part of our normal life routine. She takes the easy way every time. I really don't nag her, I know it sounds like I do, it's just that she is so irresponsible. We talk to her, punish her, encourage her, praise her...nothing. She is not miserable, I don't think. All of this behavior may be normal for her age and transition, but I need to work through this with her and teach her how to pull out of this before she sits back and it becomes part of her. I just feel like I cannot get through. Does anyone have any suggestions? I don't know what to do.
If she truly doesn't care about anything, then it must be difficult to punish her and/or find an incentive to get her going. If I were you, I would get tougher on her, as Dr. Phil says- take everything out of her bedroom and make her earn it back with good behavior, such as doing her school work and keeping her room clean, which should be easy when all thats in it is a bed. In his book on parenting, he outlines how to raise children to be respectful and responsible adults, even if they already have some bad habits like your daughter. The thing is, it will take considerable effort and you've got to commit to being consistant. You don't want to let this opportunity slip through your hands, the time is now, before she becomes a teenager!
 
September 25, 2005, 1:31 pm CDT

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT of general interest to families

*1 More Yellow Ribbon*

On September 11, 2005 a new message board was established on drphil.com to SUPPORT OUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS in the military.

This is a forum for soldiers, their families other compassionate and concerned individuals for both mutual support and to talk about real things folks can do to help those who serve and protect.

Will you please join us? Who do you know that is in-harms-way? Tell us about them. We can do more to support our loved ones. We can make our voice heard and make their voices heard as well.

GO TO MESSAGE BOARDS page
CLICK BEYOND THE HEADLINES
CLICK News and Current Events
CLICK *1 More Yellow Ribbon*

Most people agree to support OUR TROOPS. That’s wonderful. But what does that mean? OUR TROOPS are individuals... every soldier is someone’s son or daughter. As we tie our yellow ribbons, let’s attach names to the sons and daughters collectively know as OUR TROOPS.

FAMILIES are also caught up in the war.

THIS WAR has hit our home. Our son Mike is in the desert. Until he returns safely the light on our patio shines day and night on a large AMERICAN FLAG tied with a YELLOW ribbon. We call it MIKE’S LIGHT.

Please light a lamp in your window or keep a porch light on, fly the flag proudly, and tie a yellow ribbon for those in harms way. We invite folks to post pictures of these tributes on the board.

What else can we do to support those who are sacrificing because of the war? Everyone can do SOMETHING. Please share your ideas.

When I asked our son what I could do for him, he said, “You speak for me!” Mike said I should tell people that each man and woman in the military has a job to do. They need the support of the people back home to get the job done!

Mike’s Mom
 
September 28, 2005, 11:07 am CDT

its likely physical

Quote From: vixsen927

Thank you for answering my message. My Brother was the same way he wet the bed up till he was about 7 or 8. I wish there was something I could remember they done but I cant seem to remember anything. He eventually grew out of it though. It may not be much consulation but the only advice I can think of is just to support him and try not to chastize him for it I believe he will grow out of it but I wouldnt want him to feel bad either. Im sure its really embarising for him. Their self esteem is so easy to hurt at such a young age.

my 8 year old daughter has the same problem and we did alot of research on this-  

I saw a show on kids who wet the beds and the number is like 90% of them (and the % increases every year they are more than 5 years old) brains are actually not producing a required enzyme 

  

the key is when you urinate in the morning- it appears darker than during the day- the reason is your body releases less water overnight- your brain tells your kidneys to do this as you are intaking fluids at night 

  

when your son urinates in the morning- check to see if his urine is light- same if you wake him up to pee- that is the first indication that his brain is not making this chemical (enough) of it to tell his body to conserve water.   There is a pill that your child can take for the short term that replaces this naturally occuring enzyme and will help your son not wet the bed.   

  

He is probably not wetting himself at sleepovers as he is stressed and worried and excited about sleeping- so he is probably not really falling into a deep sleep.   

  

They say in this that the child is also probably the child of a bedwetter 

  

they said in this health show that the problem is most parents dont speak about this to anyone- and so it never got the attention it deserved and that although most children's bodies will outgrow this problem- the psycological damage of contstantly wetting the bed, the pressure from parents about drinks and wetting, the secret they have to carry about wetting the bed from their peers, not being able to do the same things as their siblings or friends (sleep overs, summer camps etc etc) is longlasting.   

  

they dismiss betwetting alarms as too little too late  

  

anyway check with your doctor to see if this may be the probemlem.    

 
September 28, 2005, 11:19 am CDT

leave it be

Quote From: dansmom

My ex-husband & I got divorced when my son  was 2 ( he is now 11) Over the last 9 years he has spent less & less time with him. My current husband & I have been married 5 years and he is very much a father to my son. I have always done everything I could to encourage a relationship between my son & his father but as my son gets older I am starting to wonder if I am doing the right thing. For example, here is the current situation: My Ex has not had any contact with my son for about 6 weeks. This morning my husband told me I should go ahead & call him to see what is going on & to encourage him to spend time with my son. I called him & he went on & on about himself & his problems (typical) and did set up a weekend at the end of this month to see him. He said he would call back this evening to talk to my son and never did (also typical). My son is a great kid & has a great relationship with my husband but he does enjoy the time he spends with his dad. Do I continue to encourage the relationship between my son & my ex or should I stop getting involved & put the resposibility in the hands of my ex ?

my ex and i divorced when our children were 6 and 1- i spent the longest time trying to be the "responsible one" worrying about when or if he spent time with the kids- what he did with them etc.   he would go forever and not see them- or worse- he just wouldnt show up to take them on his weekends- they were heartbroken- after fighting, promising, explaining everything...i decided that id take Dr Stephen Covey's advice (7 habits of highly effective people) and not focus on things that were beyond my circle of control (things that are directly in my control).  

  

at that time I gave my ex access to the kids when he wanted, but if he didnt call I didnt worry- if he said he was coming on the weekend- I wouldnt tell the kids until he showed up, I stopped making excuses or explaining, and just planned our lives around what we were doing at home-  

  

is daddy coming this weekend-  

not sure- but if he does we'll see him when he comes- now what movie did you want to watch tonight.....can I call Daddy- sure-  daddy didnt phone me back- thats ok im sure you'll talk to him soon- now lets read a book together-  

my kids grew up very very well adjusted to the whole thing...key is never never speak badly about the other parent- it is their father- I have a new man in my life for the past 12 years  and he is great about spending time with the kids like they are his own-  

 
September 28, 2005, 5:56 pm CDT

my son wont sleep

I have a 3 yr old son who does not sleep.  On a good night he will sleep 5 hrs.  that wouldn't be so bad if it was all at one time, but it's not.  He will sleep for an hour or two at a time.  We both work 40 hr. wks.  and are exhausted.  We have tried a few natural remedies and nothing has worked.  We got a prescription for a sedative yesterday and tried it last night.  It didn't work.  He climbed the walls all night last night and all day today.  The doctor said to stop giving it too him because it had an opposite affect, and that he doesn't have anything else to offer him.  HELP!!!! We need sleep.
 
September 29, 2005, 12:04 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: robinchk

I have a 3 yr old son who does not sleep.  On a good night he will sleep 5 hrs.  that wouldn't be so bad if it was all at one time, but it's not.  He will sleep for an hour or two at a time.  We both work 40 hr. wks.  and are exhausted.  We have tried a few natural remedies and nothing has worked.  We got a prescription for a sedative yesterday and tried it last night.  It didn't work.  He climbed the walls all night last night and all day today.  The doctor said to stop giving it too him because it had an opposite affect, and that he doesn't have anything else to offer him.  HELP!!!! We need sleep.
i dunno if this will work but i guess ur kinda desperate so um i remember when i was a kid, i'd get tired of what i was doing after awhile, especially if i dont get any attention for it. so MAYBE if u just leave him alone he'll tired himself out? just make sure he stays in his room and there's nothing distracting in it so he'll get real bored and just sleep
 
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