Message Boards

Topic : Abuse

Number of Replies: 27088
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:59:59 pm
Author : dataimport

Please join us on the new Abuse Support message board: Click Here

 

If you believe you need immediate assistance, please call your local emergency number or crisis hotline listed in your local phone book's government pages. You can also find more help on our General and Mental Health Resources and Domestic Violence Resources pages.



As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

July 22, 2009, 5:22 pm CDT

Actually...

Quote From: manoman

I am doing better than I deserve... :-)))

 

One of my brothers from Florida is staying with me for the summer so he does all my yard work before I even get home. Kewl huh...

 

I didn't get the pool open this year because the liner tore when I was cleaning it.  Next year....

 

Stay the sweet person you are and remember....with both eyes open. 

 

Tell Shirley I said hi.... and

 

I have to ask... can you still do 15 army push-ups easily?  Yeal baby....

 

Brad

 

 

 

 

Yes. :) Smooch.  That is cool with your brother. It must be nice to have him there. Sorry to hear about the pool. Everything has it time and place, right? I will try my darndest to stay sweet, although it can be difficult at times. Eve when my both eyes are open, I still have to blink! And it only takes a sweet second to throw us. I will tell shirley you said hi. We are getting to real deep stuff now that I am out of the crisis mode. Don't sleep much after a visit with her anymore but I think I can afford a few hours, huh? wink.

 

How is your exercise regime going? Do you walk still or jog now??? Watch out. Well, just got back from the dentist. Still looks like I'll be needing work but nothing too too drastic. I am avoiding extreme at all cost. My dr. knows this. I am back with my old guy too. Ok. Take care. I'll be gone for a day or two. Thanks for writting, really.

 
July 22, 2009, 8:00 pm CDT

Abuse

Quote From: camelnose

It's over over. now.

All ends are tied. He called me, I took care of it. Strongly.

I got an im from him this mornign saying ok, its over, Im blocking you, you went too far.

(I went too far?!)

SO, now I am sitting here thinking, wow its really over...And Im sad (?!?!?)

I mean Im thinking of the good times....I never remember the bad times well, even when I try to. Its just a blur in my mind, like it didnt rly happen, maybe I imagined it?

And its been 7 weeks since he laid hands on me...

And maybe we are meant for eachother?

Who will put up with my crap? Who will understand me the way he did? who will touch me, kiss me, like he did (sorry but yea, that is my thought) Who will understand my little habits, and eccentricities?

I feel like no one ever will, Im thinking, what if I made a big mistake?

Never again will I see the little wrinkles on the sides of his blue eyes when he smiles. Never again will I smell him (I know, weird, but he always smelled so good) Never again will I feel his always soft hands, or his lips.

I really did think this woudl be easier, afterall, this is what I wanted, needed. And it has been so long that we've been havng this back and forth drama, that you would think I was happy its over.

I am, Im relieved, but I also have a feeling that Ive made a terrible mistake, and I will never find someone who loved me as much, or who will accept me for me, or who will want me.

-s

I am in the same boat-Ive had signs that this wasn't healthy for 9 yrs.  Of course back then I ONLY made excuses for his behavior. So now that I'm actually ready Ive been so strong for the last 6 weeks but  I'm getting so exhausted from the battling that I forget why I'm doing this, again.  I remember all the bad things but he is starting to convince me he can change.  He is trying to do everything for me and says over and over "I will change, I didn't know how to be a good H" "you never told me what you wanted"  a now "tiny small" voice in my head is saying WHAT IF, what if he can actually change? I know I no longer have feelings for him but I'm stuck on the fantasy of a healthy loving empowering family.

When I asked for a break he couldn't give it to me. He has tried to manipulate me into staying by saying I'm selfish and all I think about is myself because I'm not thinking of the kids. So I say I don't need you and now I'm a feminist.

If he could actually change wouldn't he give me the space and just try to be an gentle/soft/caring guy?

I cant help but think that it could have been worst..I know its the same old story but it really feels like reality. These guys cant change RIGHT???  Why after 10+ years can I not be stronger and just tell him where to go? 

He kept asking me what my dreams were as a little girl and saying he could make me happy-well my dreams never included having a man I called my H, be the man who hurt me more than anyone Ive ever met. Ive never had a stranger hurt me like him-he ripped up my insides and it doesn't show when you look at me and NOW I believe him when he says he can change...What does it matter if he changes? The damage is done. 

I remember mostly bad times, when I think of him I have negative vibes.  Somehow he turned everything, EVERYTHING into something not being good enough, or not being done right. I always had to justify myself to the point where I started second guessing my own thoughts.  To keep the peace I started telling little white lies to him and I thought enough!! Why am i doing this, this isnt me? Why am I thinking of giving him another try?  Somebody slap ME...lol

 I admire you Cam-its hard to explain but I know exactly how your feeling.

 We are in the same Boat-and were letting the water pour in :< 

 
July 23, 2009, 6:37 am CDT

Stick to the plan...

Quote From: smilesagain

I am in the same boat-Ive had signs that this wasn't healthy for 9 yrs.  Of course back then I ONLY made excuses for his behavior. So now that I'm actually ready Ive been so strong for the last 6 weeks but  I'm getting so exhausted from the battling that I forget why I'm doing this, again.  I remember all the bad things but he is starting to convince me he can change.  He is trying to do everything for me and says over and over "I will change, I didn't know how to be a good H" "you never told me what you wanted"  a now "tiny small" voice in my head is saying WHAT IF, what if he can actually change? I know I no longer have feelings for him but I'm stuck on the fantasy of a healthy loving empowering family.

When I asked for a break he couldn't give it to me. He has tried to manipulate me into staying by saying I'm selfish and all I think about is myself because I'm not thinking of the kids. So I say I don't need you and now I'm a feminist.

If he could actually change wouldn't he give me the space and just try to be an gentle/soft/caring guy?

I cant help but think that it could have been worst..I know its the same old story but it really feels like reality. These guys cant change RIGHT???  Why after 10+ years can I not be stronger and just tell him where to go? 

He kept asking me what my dreams were as a little girl and saying he could make me happy-well my dreams never included having a man I called my H, be the man who hurt me more than anyone Ive ever met. Ive never had a stranger hurt me like him-he ripped up my insides and it doesn't show when you look at me and NOW I believe him when he says he can change...What does it matter if he changes? The damage is done. 

I remember mostly bad times, when I think of him I have negative vibes.  Somehow he turned everything, EVERYTHING into something not being good enough, or not being done right. I always had to justify myself to the point where I started second guessing my own thoughts.  To keep the peace I started telling little white lies to him and I thought enough!! Why am i doing this, this isnt me? Why am I thinking of giving him another try?  Somebody slap ME...lol

 I admire you Cam-its hard to explain but I know exactly how your feeling.

 We are in the same Boat-and were letting the water pour in :< 

Smiles,

I highly suggest "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Everything in your post is in there. Everything you are feeling and his actions are "classic" abuser antics. Example : page 222 the heading is : WHY HE DOESN'T ACCEPT YOUR REQUEST TO "TAKE A BREATHER"  Take care and be strong.

 

Good girl

 
July 23, 2009, 9:57 am CDT

Welcome

Quote From: rachaelbty

I am in a marriage that I know is probably abusive. I do not know what to do anymore cuz I amafraid of starting all over again. I have been thru 1 other marriage and it was all the same. My husband now seems to think he is in control of everything. For the longest time he was telling me I was fat and needed to lose weight. So I did that and lost over 60 lbs. Plus I did that to keep him around . He used to tell me I was a bad houskeeper so ofcourse I changed that as well. He is a man that gets so angry easily. I have had 2 restraining orders out on him cuz he scares me so bad but at the same time  love him to pieces. I just wish he loved me as much. I feel worthless in his eyes. I wish I knew what to do in this situation and I do not want a divorce cuz it was very hard to start over before.

Sounds like you're like alot of us here. You've come to the right place. I'm sorry that you have to be afraid of the man you love. Doesn't sound quite right does it? It's not, but some how we get sucked in by these guys. You have to start by learning about abuse. The first thing is that you don't have to be physically harmed to be abused. Calling you fat, insinuating you're fat or anything that makes you feel bad about yourself IS abuse. You don't deserve that, nobody does, no matter what. It's a behavior that they choose to gain power and control. It suits them, they're happy being that way, so why should they change? They will deny they are that way or they may profess it, whatever works for them to keep control of you. It's actually so classic and typical of abusive men, you won't believe how many of them use the same exact antics. I suggest going back on this board and reading. There are some pretty strong ladies here. There are some that are done with the abuse and many that are still trying to end it. Stay on and let us know how you are, ask questions and vent - We're here for you.

 

Good girl

 
July 23, 2009, 10:02 am CDT

"Why Does He Do That" helped me the most

Quote From: rachaelbty

I am in a marriage that I know is probably abusive. I do not know what to do anymore cuz I amafraid of starting all over again. I have been thru 1 other marriage and it was all the same. My husband now seems to think he is in control of everything. For the longest time he was telling me I was fat and needed to lose weight. So I did that and lost over 60 lbs. Plus I did that to keep him around . He used to tell me I was a bad houskeeper so ofcourse I changed that as well. He is a man that gets so angry easily. I have had 2 restraining orders out on him cuz he scares me so bad but at the same time  love him to pieces. I just wish he loved me as much. I feel worthless in his eyes. I wish I knew what to do in this situation and I do not want a divorce cuz it was very hard to start over before.
Bringing this forward-   Suggested Reading and more....

Thank you Ms Very Irish for such a good insight on some of the whys & hows of abuse and for sharing a page of your story. It is always encouraging to hear how someone has worked to move past the abuse in their lives. Kudos to you!

 

Below is a small list of some helpful reads (book list originally posted by cocomama). These books help breakdown the abuse cycle in ways that you can understand and how they might apply to you. Remember knowledge is power. No matter if it is physical, emotional, sexual, abuse is abuse and we all deserve to live abuse free!

  • "Why does he do that?  Inside the minds of angry & controlling men", "The batterer as a parent", & "When daddy hurts mommy" by Lundy Bancroft (also www.lundybancroft.com)  
  •  "the emotionally abusive relationship" & "Breaking the cycle"  by Beverly Engel (also www.beverlyengel.com)  
  •  "Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward  
  •  "The verbally abusive realationship" & "Controlling people"  by Patrice Evans  
  •  "Dangerous realtionships" by Noelle Nelson, PhD  
  •  "It's my life now:starting over after an abusive relationship" by Meg Kennedy Dugan & Roger Hock  
  •  "No visible wounds" by Mary Susan Miller PhD 
  •  "Co-dependant no more" by Melody Beattie 

Again, this is a small list but it is a start and can be the first step in your journey to be abuse free, you're not alone, we are here to help.  Take

 
July 23, 2009, 12:43 pm CDT

Rachaelbty -I know what it's like

I took note of your comment "I've had 2 restraining orders cuz he scares you so bad, but you love him".

 

First, you need the think in terms that love has nothing to do with it.  Think in terms of your fear of him and what he might do to you. A restraining order will not solve the problem unless you follow thru.  Each time you allow him back, he gains more control, because you allowed him to get away with abusing you.

 

I have had 14 years of it and finally said "NO MORE".  I have a temporary order and a move out order also. I go to court the 28th for the permenant restraining and move out order.  This is not easy because I to love my abuser. But I had to draw a line between my FEAR OF HIM, and MY LOVE FOR HIM.

 

He will not change. No matter how many promises he makes. He will do and say whatever it takes to come back and then once back, he will regain control and the abuse will start again.  Each time getting worse than he was before, because he feels stronger.

 

Build your own strength. While it is a hard decision concentrate on your FEAR, not LOVE.  You are nothing more than property to him and your love is not returned.

 

Fear is a tool the abuser uses for constant control and manipulation of you.

Be strong and follow thru with the restraining order. Call the police when he violates it. Keep track of dates and times of violations. That is the only way you can protect yourself from him, and eventually put a stop to it.

 

Remember you are not responsible for him. "HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIMSELF".

 

My favorite saying right now to keep myself strong is :

CHOICE=ACTION=CONSEQUENCES (sometimes good, sometimes bad).

 

Make your own choices, take your own actions, and live with the consequences of your OWN making.

 

God Bless,

Huggs, Purrs,

Cybil

 
July 23, 2009, 12:58 pm CDT

Pleasance - Where are you?

Haven't heard from you for a while.  Are you OK??

Missing you on the board.

 

God Bless,

Huggs, Purrs,

Cybil

 
July 24, 2009, 9:50 am CDT

About my friend.

Quote From: figuritout

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's situation.  I don't know much about the law, so I can't help to make sense of the court's decision.

 

One thought--depending on the state/county, some courts have a family court with a family court facilitator who can give some basic information to someone needing to deal with a problem in the court system.  In my county, the fee is $25. 

 

Another idea--if she files for divorce, she might be able to freeze assets, etc, until the judge can divide them fairly.  Also, this would be the time to set up child support, etc. 

 

Do you know if she has checked various abuse support groups for names of lawyers and/or programs that provide free legal assistance (in addition to the one she used for the protection order)?  I know it's a long-shot, but maybe she will find someone who is willing to take her case.

 

I'm wondering if the legal aide attorney had time to dig up the dirt on this guy.  Did he have prior convictions or anything that might interest the court?  If so, was it all presented?

 

I'm just throwing out ideas, wishing I had an answer for you.  Good luck with this.

Sorry I have not gotten back to this.  It seems when I am at my wits end...this is where I go ... eventually!

My friend has been talking with her husband over the phone about trying to get her belongings from him.  He is living in the home and he calls the shots.  Both of their names are on the trailer that she paid for. That is not important, I know, as it is marital property.  He is holding her laptop as a deal for her to 'drop' the upcoming court case about extending a protection order that was previously dropped by the court! If she won't drop the court date (Aug.7) then he will sell it he "admitted".  He also admited that he has Anger Issues!!!!!! WoW!

 

This man threatened to kill her twice.  Although no one thinks that really would happen but who knows.  It does put her and everyone else on edge!!!  Her nerves are shot and she is a wreck today after talking with him today!  He accuses her of taking his jewelry, which she hasn't.  For real!!!  

 

I feel so bad for my friend.  She will be coming from her mom's from 5 hours away, to stay with me until her court date.  She asked him if she could come and get some of her things.  He told her NO, he didn't want her in the house without him there!!!   WHAT???? Her name is on the deed to it also!!!!  She has a right to go there and live if she wants to...she told him that!!!  He is freaking out.

 

Sorry to be so lengthy in this!

Thanks for ANY help!!!

 

LSSANDERS

 
July 24, 2009, 9:55 am CDT

Abuse

Quote From: Pleasance

My goodness girl,

 

its been so very, very long.

 

I am with limited time today just discovering your post of worry regarding your dear friend.

 

She is so very lucky to have you for a confidant and friend.

 

I will have to come back in at another time to converse with you.

 

Hopefully others will pitch in and offer some kind word, some resources, & thoughts.

 

So many in here really do have lots to offer.

 

I will get back as soon as I possibly can....with all that I have going on in life right now.

 

Please take care of yourself.

 

Please stand by your friend.

 

You both can be a support system for one another.

 

I have wondered and  cared about you in our  conversations of the past.

 

 

Take care.

 

I care

 

Pleasance

Pleasance,

Hi.  Yes it has been a very very long time.  Things are much better for me.  Some days are difficult.  I think the new job change for my husband did help around here.  He is still controlling and has some mad 'fits' but I don't let him get to me like before!!!  I hold my ground.  I just really thinks he is an unhappy person!  That is on him though, not me!

 

I hope you can read my last post to the other girl, about my friend.  I am so worried as her court date is Aug 7th.  Her husband wants her to drop the court date.  He is holding her laptop as hostage!  HA....a basket case!

 

Thanks,

LSSANDERS

 
July 24, 2009, 4:18 pm CDT

Your Friend

Quote From: lssanders

Sorry I have not gotten back to this.  It seems when I am at my wits end...this is where I go ... eventually!

My friend has been talking with her husband over the phone about trying to get her belongings from him.  He is living in the home and he calls the shots.  Both of their names are on the trailer that she paid for. That is not important, I know, as it is marital property.  He is holding her laptop as a deal for her to 'drop' the upcoming court case about extending a protection order that was previously dropped by the court! If she won't drop the court date (Aug.7) then he will sell it he "admitted".  He also admited that he has Anger Issues!!!!!! WoW!

 

This man threatened to kill her twice.  Although no one thinks that really would happen but who knows.  It does put her and everyone else on edge!!!  Her nerves are shot and she is a wreck today after talking with him today!  He accuses her of taking his jewelry, which she hasn't.  For real!!!  

 

I feel so bad for my friend.  She will be coming from her mom's from 5 hours away, to stay with me until her court date.  She asked him if she could come and get some of her things.  He told her NO, he didn't want her in the house without him there!!!   WHAT???? Her name is on the deed to it also!!!!  She has a right to go there and live if she wants to...she told him that!!!  He is freaking out.

 

Sorry to be so lengthy in this!

Thanks for ANY help!!!

 

LSSANDERS

You are absolutely right she does have rights.  To get her things is not worth the crap from him.

To put a stop to it -- she can call a Police Stand By unit. They will usually give her 15 minutes to get what she can. They will also keep him away from her while this is happening.

 

When she goes to court she needs to also ask for a MOVE OUT order on him so she can get possession of the house again. Everything is in her favor if she follows the LEGAL approaches available to her.

 

Hope this helps,

 

God Bless,

Huggs, Purrs,

Cybil

 
First | Prev | 2699 | 2700 | 2701 | 2702 | 2703 | 2704 | 2705 | 2706 | 2707 | 2708 | Next | Last